


Half Blade and Half Silk

by orphan_account



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Ableist Language, Alternate Universe - College/University, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-10-26 08:08:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 85,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10782861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Isak's friends introduce him to an art student at a college party. He won't stop calling Isak baby and Isak's bad at pretending to hate it.College AU where Isak's past is a little more colorful but Even still won't leave him alone.





	1. Week 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I'm Not in Love](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9351218) by [cuteandtwisted](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuteandtwisted/pseuds/cuteandtwisted). 



> Baby's first fanfic :/  
> I love love love to write, but I'm a pre-med student in college, not given a lot of opportunity for creative discussion, so I decided to try this technique!  
> Warnings for mentions of past rape/non-con, but it's not a very graphic fic.  
> Title from Rupi Kaur's Milk and Honey  
> Kisses :*

**Friday**

“I don't want to be here,” Isak whined, receiving shoves on his shoulders from both sides. He stopped walking, and so did the boys surrounding him, turning to look in exasperation. “Look,” Isak started, and they all rolled their eyes and opened their mouths to protest. “Can't I just go home?” he continued, voice lifting to accommodate their groans. “I don't want to be at a party tonight, you douchebags, if you make me go you _know_ I'll only bitch the whole time.” He just wanted to be in bed watching _Stranger Things_ for the tenth time on his laptop.

“You have to meet this guy, Isak!” Magnus said, jumping up with the force of his intentions. “He's great.”

“Why are you guys always trying to get me laid?” Isak asked, closing his eyes and turning his face skyward.

“Because you refuse to take the initiative to get yourself laid,” answered Jonas. Isak made a face at him and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

“I don't want to meet your fucking drug dealer friend,” he tried to protest, but they were all three pushing him, so he just went with it. They weren't going to let him wallow by himself in their apartment tonight, which was irritating. In high school, when he was closeted and sad and keeping up appearances, he would go to parties a lot. Now he just felt... old, and tired. And he was only nineteen. He'd spent so much of his youth pretending to be someone he wasn't that now he wanted to be who he was: an insecure gay kid who hated being around other people and liked laying in his shared apartment with bags of Cheetos and gummy bears.

“You'll love him,” Mahdi said, and Isak hated that he said that. They were always pretending to know his type, when he'd never even entertained the idea of introducing them to the guys he fucked. Because they weren't nice guys, and his roommates would have tried protecting him, and telling him what's good for him, and that he deserved better. He didn't want to be told he deserved better, because he didn't. And having people care about him was still such a foreign notion that it made him more uncomfortable than the bruises left all over his body. He was used to abuse. He wasn't used to someone telling him he shouldn't be.

“I don't think so,” Isak answered, letting himself be pushed to the counter with vodka bottles. He filled a solo cup halfway with foul-smelling liquid and followed the boys through the crowd, until they were against a wall and the boys were all peering up on their toes above the sea of heads, presumably searching for whoever this weed-dealing casanova was.

Isak had absolutely no interest in meeting this guy. He was content with having in-the-dark sex with strangers, even if it was way rougher than he'd ever want. He was not looking for someone sweet who'd treat him right that his friends liked. He wasn't looking for love, or anything. He was looking for the quick, hard, into the pillow fucks he was getting, with guys whose last names he didn't know.

“There he is!” Mahdi yelled above the music—too loud and too forceful and too fucking harsh, bass thumping so hard we could feel it a block away.

Isak couldn't help but follow his pointed finger, but while Jonas and Magnus lit up in recognition, Isak only saw the sea of people. Grinding and dancing, standing and talking, leaning in close to be heard above the music. Couples making out against the walls, people shouting nonsense, groups of girls crowding into circles to avoid talking to the guys that handed them a beer in hopes of getting in their pants. He smiled when he saw some girls from their apartment building waving to them, but soon there was someone tall in front of Mahdi, to Isak's left, and he turned and looked up.

Fine. The guy was hot. But instead of being appreciative of this fact, Isak found himself annoyed. God, the least this apparent nice dude could do was be unattractive.

Isak took a long, burning swig of his vodka, because he was being ridiculous. The guy was lean and built and tall, taller even than Isak, and he had a nice face and nice hair, and he was smiling at Isak's friends who had been talking about him nonstop since they met him three weeks ago. Isak took another drink, looking down at his cup so that if the guy looked at him he wouldn't have to make eye contact, listening hard to the music so that he wouldn't have to listen to his roommates.

Mahdi tugged on his arm and Isak followed him as he followed Magnus and Jonas and the tall weed dealer to the back of the house, onto a large back porch where they could finally breathe and hear.

“Dude, this is the guy,” Magnus said to Isak when he was crowded against the railing, his roommates surrounding him and the guy standing a respectful distance from the huddle until Magnus grabbed his arm and pulled him closer.

“Yeah?” Isak said, for lack of anything better to say. Isak nodded at the guy, and he smiled.

“I'm Even,” he said, sticking out his hand.

Isak shook it, not wanting to, and avoided eye contact, but said, “Isak.” When he looked back up at Even, he was smiling like he knew something Isak didn't. Isak almost couldn't help but smile back, so he ducked his head to do so.

“Isak's got a double major,” Magnus was saying, and Isak rolled his eyes at his drink and turned around to lean over the other end of the railing and look into the tiki-lit backyard, littered with beer bottles. He could still hear them talking about him, though, bragging about him as if he wasn't there. He'd heard enough about Even the twenty-one-year-old art major that he didn't really believe that this was the first time Even was hearing that Isak was an nineteen-year-old biochem major. But he just said, “Oh?” at the right times during their stories. “Isak lives with us in the apartment. Isak works as a lab assistant. Isak wants to be a researcher.”

“Stop,” Isak said, finally turning around. His roommates turned to look at him, and Even looked like he already had been. “That's enough,” Isak continued. “Go inside and... fucking, have fun. I'm gonna wait out here until it's time to go.” He nodded his head once at Even. “Nice to meet you.”

He smiled and nodded back, then said, “We can go back inside,” to Isak's friends, and followed them back into the house, looking over his shoulder at Isak and winking poorly, like he'd saved his ass. He kind of had. They wouldn't have listened to Isak.

Fuck. He turned back around, and he pulled a joint from his pocket, and he tried not to think about anything.

 

**Saturday**

Isak went into the living room only because Jonas had texted him after leaving their shared bedroom to come out. Immediately after he got out there, he wished he had just stayed in bed.

“No,” Isak said, starting to turn around. He had homework to do, and he had an exam on Monday to study for.

“No no no, dude,” Jonas said, sitting on the couch. “We're not going out.”

Isak eyed them, still hungover from the night before. “Then why are you dressed like you're trying to impress someone?” Fuck. Oh fuck. “What the hell,” he groaned. “Did you invite that guy over?”

“Just to smoke some,” Mahdi said, but Isak was already turning to go back to his bedroom when Magnus grabbed his arm and pulled him back into the living room, pushing him against the wall where they could all lecture him from a safe semi-circle around him.

“Just because you know one other gay guy doesn't mean we want to sleep together,” Isak said.

“I know tons of gay guys,” Magnus said. “Besides, we don't know if Even's gay.”

Isak rolled his eyes, leaning his head back in exasperation. Nothing they did ever made sense. “Whatever. Whatever, I'm gonna do homework in my room.”

“No you're not,” Mahdi said.

“I—I have to do it sometime,” Isak said.

“You're using it as an excuse. Do it tomorrow.”

“I have other shit to do tomorrow, like fucking work, at my second job, which none of you assholes have to deal with.”

“Do your homework out here, then,” Jonas said. “It's better than the bedroom, there's no space in there. Just do it at the kitchen table, we won't bug you.”

Of course they would, but they'd bug him even more if he was in the bedroom, so he groaned and got his textbooks and notebooks from his bed and slammed them onto the table. They were all dressed in jeans and nice shirts and Isak was in sweat pants and a t-shirt he'd gotten for free a gay pride parade that Eskild had dragged him to when he was seventeen. It was faded pink and said “I Run For Women's Rights” and had a hole at the armpit. He was really bringing it. If this didn't turn the possibly-gay Even on, he didn't know what would.

Isak hadn't gone home with anyone after the party, like he usually would. He had come back with the boys despite being propositioned from some Grindr find he'd seen in real life at the house. Isak hated the app, but it got the job done. Made it easy.

But Isak didn't go with him. He was tired, and his friends had irritated him, and so he just got high and waited for them to get their fill of the party so that he could go home. He'd caught Even's eye a few more times, but he hadn't tried to talk to Isak again. Even was making him feel weird, looking at him like he mattered. Like he was something amazing Even had never seen before.

Isak was taking notes at the kitchen table when the knock came. He didn't even look up. He was afraid of looking at all interested, because then his roommates would think they'd done something right, and they wouldn't stop trying to hook him up with Even.

“Hey, man!” he heard Magnus say, and he heard Even's deep voice greet them all back in a very slow and chilled out way. Way chiller than his friends were being, or had been. They should've been the ones to sleep with him, not Isak.

“Don't mind Isak,” Mahdi was saying. Isak sighed at the mention of his name and lifted his head to raise his eyebrows at Even in some sort of greeting. “He's fucking lame. Doing homework on a Saturday night.”

“That's me,” Isak said quietly, but Even smiled, before turning back to the boys and procuring a bag of pot from his pocket.

“Want any?” Jonas asked, turning to Isak, who only looked up from his textbook in the silence that followed.

He shook his head. “I'm good.” He glanced at Even and added, “Thanks,” hastily. Even just shrugged, smiling. He was always fucking smiling. Isak wanted to yell at him. _Why are you so fucking happy?_

“Come on, man,” Magnus said. “You've been in your room doing homework for like three hours. It can't be that fucking important, what you're doing now.”

“I have to finish it now,” Isak said, “because I fucking work all goddamn week. You rich assholes don't have to worry about that.”

Even was smiling, of course, watching him, and he said, turning to Magnus, “He doesn't have to. I work, too. It's hard to get shit done. And that's with an art degree, he's biology and chemistry.” He looked back at Isak, smiling in a way that looked like a wink without being a wink, and said, “It's here if you want some. No charge.”

He had just taken fifteen bucks each from Isak's friends, so they all dropped their mouths open and looked between the two, their gazes locked, a blush rising to Isak's cheeks. Magnus whooped and Even broke eye contact to laugh at him, sitting down on the couch.

Eventually Isak did go over, and, about to sit on the floor, Mahdi got up from his spot on their Craigslist couch and pushed him down next to Even, sitting at their feet. Fuck. Isak looked to his left, tilting his head up a little to see Even's face. He was already looking down at him. Even passed him a bowl he had repacked, and when Isak couldn't get the lighter to hold a flame Even took it from him and lit it as Isak inhaled. He held the smoke in his lungs, holding eye contact with Even, and upon exhalation said, “Thanks.”

Even was looking at him with an intensity, their shoulders pressed together on the couch, and said, “No problem.”

Oh, God. This was going to end badly.

 

**Sunday**

Isak worked at one of the local bookstores twenty hours a week. It was easy, and only him there. He was rarely supervised, never monitored, and allowed to do homework between customers.

“Hi,” he heard, and looked up from the book he was reading, blinking a few times at Even.

“Hi,” Isak replied, narrowing his eyes at him. “Are you stalking me?”

He shrugged. “Kind of. Your roommates told me where you worked and encouraged me to bring you this.” He held out one of Isak's textbooks and Isak took it with a smile. He'd texted Jonas asking for him to drop it by. He'd asked him to bring me lunch, though, too.

“Thank you,” Isak said, looking back up at Even.

“No problem. I was there this morning. But you were already gone.” He cocked his head, then drew his hand from behind his back and dropped a bag of takeout on the counter. Isak smiled, looking up at him hopefully before leaning forward and opening the bag. Chinese takeout boxes from the best and sketchiest place in town.

Isak looked up him in something like awe, and Even smiled down at him. “Anyways,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets. “I'll leave you to it. And I'll see you around.”

“Wait,” Isak said as he was walking to the door, and it pained him to say it, really, and he closed his eyes and leaned his head back. Jesus. When Isak opened his eyes, Even was waiting for him to say anything else, looking at him in amusement. Slowly Isak said, “Do you want to... eat with me?”

He smiled, and walked back over to the counter. “Are you being nice to me, Isak?”

Isak rolled his eyes. “I'm always nice to you.”

“You've been civil,” he said.

“I've barely talked to you,” Isak answered, pulling out the two takeout boxes and opening them. Lo mein and fried rice, seven hundred napkins, and a pair of chopsticks alongside a plastic fork.

“I know,” Even said. “I'm super interested in you, and you won't even look at me.”

Isak looked up at him, raising his eyebrows. “You're super interested in me?” he said. “You don't know me.”

Even shrugged. “I'm trying to. I know a lot about you. Your friends are very into you.”

“My friends are very into you, too.” Isak handed him the chopsticks, then lifted his eyes to his again. Even leaned his forearms on the counter and unwrapped the chopsticks, holding Isak's gaze. He really was beautiful. “Possibly too into you.”

“Impossible,” Even said. He fit the chopsticks between his fingers and started digging through the fried rice. “So why don't you want to get to know me?”

Isak picked through the lo mein with his fork and said, looking down at it, “What makes you think I don't want to get to know you?”

“Because you don't,” Even said.

“I don't want to _date_ you,” Isak corrected.

“Why not?” He nudged Isak's fork aside so that he could stick the chopsticks in. “And don't say it's because you don't know me. That can be remedied.”

Isak rolled his lips in so that he could try to hide a smile as he poked around the fried rice. “I don't believe in relationships,” he finally said, looking up at him.

“You don't _believe_ in them?” Even asked. “That's... sad. Why not?”

Isak shrugged, shaking his head. “I don't know. It just seems like a lot of work. Seems like giving up a lot of yourself.”

“So... it's scary,” Even finished.

Isak opened his mouth to say no. But, really, he was scared. He was terrified for anyone to care at all about him. And now, since he wasn't correcting Even, this stranger knew that.

“That's alright,” Even said. He smiled at Isak. “Because we're gonna be friends.”

“Are we?” Isak asked.

Even nodded at him. “The best.”

He stayed for the rest of the day, talking with Isak about nothing, and making him laugh, and throwing him these looks that were very very hard to ignore. And Isak thought _I'm in trouble_ every time they looked at each other, smiles fading into a silence, Even's eyes locked on his. Because this wouldn't end well for him. This was someone who would have all the power in the world to hurt him, if he let him. So he just couldn't let him.

 

**Monday**

“Hi, Isak.”

Isak looked up from the kitchen table to where all of his roommates were standing and staring at him. He chewed some cereal, holding the spoon in one hand and the fingers of his other hand hovering over his phone. When they didn't continue, Isak said, “What?”

Jonas stuck his tongue in his cheek and bit down in an attempt to hide a smile. Then he said, “How do you like Even?”

Isak sighed. Not this again. Could they talk about anything else? Jonas had been his best friend since he was eleven years old, wasn't he supposed to be protective of him? Wasn't no one supposed to good enough for him? “Jesus Christ,” Isak said, setting his spoon in the bowl. “Can you stop trying to make me sleep with him? Please?”

“We don't want you to sleep with him,” Magnus said, indignantly. “We want you to date him. I mean, I know that usually involves sleeping with him, but he shouldn't be a one night stand.”

“I don't date people,” Isak said. “And I'm not sleeping with Even. Or dating him.”

Mahdi groaned in what appeared to be exasperation. “Dude! Grow up! This guy could be great for you. He's nice, and he likes you, and he's better than these assholes you won't talk about.”

Of course he was better than them. That's why Isak was so afraid of him. Even had the chance to make him feel something, and when you feel something, you get hurt. But if Isak said, “I know,” like he opened his mouth to, it would come out in a quiet, broken voice, and they would drop the topic but their ever-present concern for him and his well-being and his fragile emotional health would grow.

“Look,” Isak sighed. “I can take care of myself. And Even's fine, I don't dislike him. I'm just not gonna date him. And I told him that.”

They all raised their eyebrows at him and before he could shoot out another annoyed, “What?” Mahdi said, “How'd that go? Telling him you're not into him? Did it... deter him? Did he leave?”

Rolling his eyes, Isak said, “You know he didn't. But you guys are always there, and he said he wanted to be my friend, so... that's not... weird of him, right?”

“Did you have fun?” Magnus asked in a suggestive tone.

He definitely did. Even was funny. He was interesting, talking to Isak about music and movies, TV shows, the neighborhood he grew up in. While Isak offered very little of himself, Even would fill the silence in ways that made Isak laugh, and then he'd say, “I like your laugh.”

“Don't say that,” Isak had said, softly, looking up at him. He liked that Even was this much taller than him. But then Isak pushed that thought from his head, because it didn't matter. “We're friends.”

“I know,” Even had answered, smiling and very close to him. “We're friends.”

“I don't know,” Isak told his roommates. “Yes. I mean, yeah, I did, because you're right, he's nice. I just... I'm not gonna date him. I don't do relationships.”

“That's a sad fucking way to live, Isak,” Jonas said.

And yeah, maybe it was, the way he was doing it. Out of fear, out of low self-esteem, because he didn't deserve anything more. Maybe it was sad, maybe it was unfair, maybe it was hard to understand. But it was safe, and it was easy, and it was how he was.

That day Isak had four classes, each over an hour apart, which was an annoying limbo between being too long a time to go straight there, but not enough time to return to the apartment. So he was spending his day on campus. Between biology and statistics he was sitting in the library reading a paperback he'd picked up from the shelf beside him, when a voice over his shoulder said, “Hey handsome,” and made him look up.

Isak huffed out a small smile. “Hi Even.”

He sat down next to Isak, and Isak looked back at his book, trying to placate his smile. “You look great today.” Even's lips rolled in and then popped back out with a little sound. “As usual.”

Isak rolled his eyes, turning the page. “Thanks.” Glancing up at him, he asked. “What are you doing here?”

“Relax, I'm not stalking you. This time happened to be a coincidence. I was doing some homework and saw the back of your head. Your roommates didn't even have to tell me where to go.”

Isak turned in his seat, closing the book, to look at Even and say, “Speaking of my roommates, will you tell them that we're not gonna date? Please? They won't leave me alone.”

Even raised his eyebrows. “What? I'm not gonna lie to them. I like them.” When Isak opened his mouth to protest Even just leaned back in his seat and said, “Oh, we're gonna date, gorgeous. Just you wait.”

Blushing, Isak said, “Don't say things like that,” as he ducked his smile into his scarf. Even looked at him open-mouthed in faux offense, and Isak mocked his expression to say, “Handsome. Gorgeous. Cut it out.”

Even had this way of looking at him like he knew everything. Like his gaze was cutting through in the best way. Scared Isak, the way it made him feel. “Why?” Even finally asked, one simple word.

Isak sputtered a bit before he spit out, “Because I'm not! Because I don't know you--”

“You keep saying you don't know me,” Even said, “like I didn't spend three hours with you at work on Sunday talking and making you laugh.” He added, after a second, “And blush.” Isak felt himself flushing even as he opened his mouth to tell Even that he didn't blush, but Even was speaking again. “And you're so hot, Isak. I'm gonna win you over.”

“Yeah?” Isak said. “How are you gonna do that?”

“You won't be able to resist my charms.” It made Isak laugh, and his laughing made Even smile. “You have such a great laugh.”

Isak looked down at the table, blush reddening his cheeks, and said, “Thank you,” because he didn't know what else to say. None of the guys who were trying to fuck him had ever been so sincere in their compliments. Usually it was a, “You're so fucking hot,” coupled with an ass grab and then Isak was on his knees in a back alley trash dump. Willingly. Liking it, for the split seconds before it started. And then it started, and then they got rough, and he was left choking and gasping with a bruised neck, his hair pulled and his eyes watering.

He was waiting for Even to realize he was broken. For him to say, “Someone must have hurt you,” and then disappear. Until that came, Isak couldn't let himself fall too deep into his buttered-up words and bright compliments.

“I guess I'll leave you alone,” Even said, eyes all bright and beautiful. “But I'll see you around.”

“Bye, Even,” Isak said, when he only stood there, not leaving.

“Bye, beautiful.”  
  
**Tuesday**

**Eva :)**

 

Eva: _I heard you have a new love interest. Spill._

 

Isak: _?? No_

 

Eva: _Don't fuck with me Isak_

_I talk with Jonas_

 

Isak: _Well don't. He's giving you shitty information._

 

Eva: _Swear to God Isak_

_Tell me about tall dark and handsome or I'll kill you_

 

Isak: _No! You'll tell all the girls and then Noora will tell Eskild. No._

 

Eva: _So there IS something there ;)_

 

Isak: _Bye Eva_

 

Eva: _Bitch._

 

**Kollektivet**

 

Eskild: _WHO THE FUCK IS EVEN AND WHY AM I HEARING ABOUT HIM FROM EVA???_

 

Noora: _??_

 

Linn: _Shut up Eskild._

 

**Eva :)**

 

Isak: _Fuck you_

 

Eva: _< 3_

 

**Wednesday**

They were sitting with Even when Isak got there, and it made sense. All their _Isak come to lunch please we never see you_ in the group chat. All their pushing to get him into the cafeteria in the dining hall, five bucks for an all you can eat buffet. He had gone up anticipating to find Magnus, Jonas, and Mahdi at a table with plates piled high.

But of course Even was there.

Isak had already paid, though, so he sat down between Jonas and Mahdi, across from Even at the circular table. Even smiled at him as everyone greeted him, and Isak raised his eyebrows at Even, then stood up, leaving his backpack on the floor, to go get french fries. “Serve Yourself” french fries were the best, and he filled up a whole plate with them before sitting back down.

“Healthy,” Magnus said.

Isak looked around at them as they began a conversation that started with Magnus saying, “Oh, God, I had a dirty dream about that girl in the apartment above us!” and then he zoned out, eyes finding Even. This might have been the first time he wasn't already looking at him. He was, instead, laughing with the rest of them as they looked at Magnus and listened to his story.

God. He really was gorgeous. And this time when he caught Isak staring, Isak didn't immediately look away in shame. He met his gaze and smiled a little. And Even smiled broadly back.

Over his shoulder, though, Isak saw someone glaring at him, and it took a second to place the face, but when he did he stilled and stared at the guy before he could force himself to look away. Isak had sucked him off once upon a time, when he was a lot drunker with a lot less self control. And then the guy had wanted to be with him, or something, and hold his hand and spend time with him, date him and love him, and Isak couldn't even remember his name the next time he saw him. Isak didn't only fuck terrible people, sometimes he was the terrible person. People call you a bitch if you're honest about your cynicism.

When Isak looked up again the guy was still glaring, meanly, and Isak looked down at the table. Fuck. He really didn't want to deal with this. He hadn't wanted to deal with it when the guy kept texting him, he hadn't wanted to deal with it when the guy found him at a party and tried to put his arm around Isak, he hadn't wanted to deal with it when he avoided the guy for the rest of the semester. He didn't want to deal with it now, either.

But the guy was standing up.

Isak muttered, “Fuck,” under his breath and then the guy was standing next to him and Isak waited as long as he could before he looked up. Like a totally horrible person, he couldn't remember his name even now.

“Hi,” Isak said in a wavering voice. The boys had fallen silent. Isak was still holding a french fry between his fingers. He glanced quickly at Even, then ducked his gaze down. Even was about to figure out the bad person Isak actually was, the shitty things he'd done, and for some reason that made him feel ashamed. If he didn't care, like he said he didn't, he wouldn't have felt this way.

“Where the fuck did you go?” the guy spit at him.

Isak couldn't look at him. He did feel a little bad about it, but it also wasn't really his fault that the guy thought they were something they weren't. Isak had never promised him anything. He was too drunk to function that night, he'd been horny and desperate and this guy had been there.

“You think it's okay to just... disappear?” the boy continued when Isak didn't say anything.

“I....” He couldn't think of anything to say. He didn't have an excuse. Yeah, it was shitty, to get a blowjob and then never talk to him again. But Isak had given him one, too, and it was a great blowjob, because he was good at those, and what was he supposed to say? Sorry, I don't believe in love, I can't have a relationship, I only have sex because it helps me feel something.

He was empty. He just wanted to feel close to someone. That's why he was so fucked up. Or maybe it was a result of being so fucked up.

“I'm sorry,” Isak said, after a moment, glancing up at the guy, then back down. “I shouldn't have.... I should've told you I wasn't... looking for anything.”

He wanted so badly to look at Even. Even wouldn't like him anymore after all of this bullshit, and Isak had been appreciating attention for the first time in his life. It wasn't the attention of grown men holding down a sixteen-year-old boy in a bar, or the attention of some closeted frat boy who fucked hard and then kicked him out.

“God,” the guy huffed. “Don't you care about anything?”

Isak pulled a fry apart, not looking at him. _No. I don't fucking know. Maybe I don't._

The guy walked away and Isak didn't look at his roommates. He especially didn't look at Even. He stared at the fry being torn to pieces between his fingers and thought about what it could be a metaphor for.

“What a fucking asshole,” Magnus finally said, breaking the silence.

Isak looked up, confused. Because it didn't sound like Magnus was talking about him, but if anyone was an asshole between Isak and that guy, it was Isak. “What?”

“He comes over here and talks about your personal shit in front of other people?” Magnus scoffed. “That's not okay.”

Isak dared a glance at Mahdi and Jonas, and they were nodding in agreement, so he looked at Even. And Even was watching him with careful eyes. Sorting his thoughts. Trying to figure him out. He didn't look upset, though, or disappointed, or anything, really. He just looked like he was solving something in his head.

“I mean,” Isak started, looking back down, “I shouldn't have fucked him over like that, I guess. He has a right to be mad.”

“Just because you hooked up doesn't mean he owes you anything,” Mahdi said, like it was obvious.

Isak just shrugged. He didn't want to talk about it anymore, and they seemed to understand that. But when he glanced at Even again, he was smiling at him.

  
**Thursday**

**Eskild Tryggvasson**

 

Eskild: _Baby gay you need to tell me about these things_

 

Isak: _What things? I'm busy._

 

Eskild: _Don't play dumb with me. I saved your jailbait ass from a perv._

 

Isak: _You found me after I fucked that guy._

 

Eskild: _I saved you from other pervs. Talk to meeeee_

 

Isak: _It's nothing. He's a friend of the boys._

 

Eskild: _Are you going to ruin this the way you ruin every healthy relationship?_

 

Isak: _Fuck off._

 

Eskild: _Do you need advice baby jesus?_

 

Isak: _No. I'm not going to date him or fuck him so you can relax._

 

Eskild: _But Eva said Jonas said he's a good guy._

_Why keep fucking bad ones if there's a good one waiting for you?_

 

Isak: _I'm not a fucking baby I can take care of myself._

 

Eskild: _That's been proven wrong for years baby son_

 

Isak: _I'm going to stop texting you now_

 

Eskild: _Love you !!!!! <3 <3 <3_

 

Isak: _Ugh_

_Love you too_

 


	2. Week 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a lil more flirting to tide us over on exam week god bless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg where do I start? Thank you! For reading it and liking it and everything. For everyone who commented, thank you! I loved the validation since I was so nervous posting this. A lot of myself went into this version of Isak, and it's customary to be wary of how that's received <3  
> Anywaysss, I've decided to post this chapter today as well just to get the ball rolling. I hope this doesn't feel too slow moving for people... I just want a realistic timeline. I hope you like it!!! (hella cheesiness is about to ensue)

**Friday**

The voice came easily to his ears, cutting through the din of the gathering at Mahdi's weed friend's house. “Hi Isak. You look amazing.”

Without looking up from his phone, Isak said, “What do you want, Even?”

Even fell heavily into the spot next to him on the sofa. “That hurts, Isak.” Isak glanced up at him and Even's smile made Isak smile as he looked back down. “Enjoying the party?”

Isak huffed a laugh at his sarcasm. “Yeah, time of my life.” It was the second Friday in a row that his roommates dragged him out with them.

“What are you doing on your phone?” Even asked. “Texting someone hotter than me?”

Isak rolled his eyes and looked at Even again. “There's no one hotter than you.” He turned to his phone. “And you know that. It's my mom.” He tipped the screen subtly away from Even, then locked the screen.

“Anything good?” Even asked, still beaming at the first compliment Isak had ever given him. Isak wanted to hug him in thanks for not torturing him with what he'd said.

“There's never anything good,” Isak said, putting his phone into his jacket pocket as he turned to look at Even with his full attention. Even turned minutely on the couch so he was facing him more, and Isak didn't miss it. Not that Even was a subtle person. “I come from a shit family. And I had a shit life there, too.”

Even was sliding an arm over the back of the couch behind him. “Why was it shit?”

Raising his eyebrows, Isak asked, “My family?”

“Your life.”

“Even.”

“Sorry,” he said, still smiling. His eyes crinkled up with the upturn of his lips. It was cute, which was odd, because the rest of him was hot. He was a good mix of cute and hot that made him attractive and approachable at the same time. “Your family, then. Why is your family shit?”

Isak shrugged, leaning back into the couch cushions behind him, momentarily forgetting that Even's hand was there. He wanted to pull back when he leaned on his arm, but Even's fingers started stroking the hair at the back of Isak's head, and it felt good, so Isak let him. Even had long fingers, strong and roughened but with a calm touch. Nothing about Even seemed rushed. He'd been flirting shamelessly with Isak for a week and didn't seem close to giving in. “A lot of reasons, I guess,” Isak said finally. Even twisted a strand of Isak's hair around his finger. “I just had to get out of there.”

Even tilted his head at him. “And you did.”

“Yeah, I did,” Isak said, looking away from Even to pick up his beer from the table. After taking a sip he offered Even the bottle, and Even took it and drank some, maintaining eye contact. Isak looked away when he found himself following the movement of his Adam's apple when he swallowed. Even's lips looked good wrapped around the bottle's brim. “And that's all you get,” Isak said. “About my childhood.”

“For now,” Even said, winking when Isak looked back. Isak leaned back into his prior position and Even took the hint and started stroking his hair again, this time making it more brazen and obvious, but Isak couldn't find it in himself to care. “I already know what I need to know about you.”

Isak rolled his head on the couch's back so that he was staring straight at Even, slouched down low. “Do you?” he asked with raised eyebrows and a tired little smile on his face. He was a ten o'clock bedtime kind of guy in his old age.

Even nodded. In the short period of time they'd been on the couch, Even had moved so close they were only a few inches apart. Or maybe it was Isak's fault, too. If Isak hadn't noticed Even moving, he certainly hadn't noticed himself.

“What do you know?” Isak asked.

He seemed to think for a minute, rolling his head on the couch's back to look up at the ceiling. When he looked back Isak didn't have time to wipe the fond smile off his face before Even saw. “I know you're nineteen, and you're a brilliant biochem major, and you're beautiful.” Isak rolled his eyes but Even persisted. “And I know you break poor guys' hearts and then they confront you in the cafeteria.” Anyone else saying it would've made Isak feel guilty, but Even made him smile. So he smiled. “And I know you don't want to be here, and you're... cynical.” When Isak opened his mouth to protest Even raised his eyebrows in a challenge. But he was right. So Isak let him keep talking. “You... hate peas. You have good music taste and bad movie taste.” Fucking art major. Hipster dork. “You like cheap Chinese food. You've broken your arm twice and your leg once. You have the cutest laugh I've ever heard.” He was leaning closer to Isak, just resting his head on the back of the couch like they both had been doing, as if they were falling asleep. Isak could have, warm on the couch with Even's fingers in his hair. “I haven't known you for very long,” he said, “but I know I want to know you.”

Isak smiled sleepily at that. God, he'd avoided this type of intimacy for so long. It scared the hell out of him, being vulnerable. Even's hand stilled at the nape of Isak's neck and Isak just looked at him with wide eyes. He was saying he would give him time. He was saying he would wait.

If this was any other time, any other person showing him this much attention, Isak would shake off the tension and the tenderness and take them into a room somewhere. He'd fuck them and then leave afterwards, and he wouldn't think of them again. And they'd forget him, too. They'd be a temporary fix, they'd be something to dull the fucking loneliness and fill the emptiness, just for a little while. If it was any other time he wouldn't let them stroke his hair and compliment him and lean in closer. They'd only kiss while they were fucking, not at all before or after. If it was any other time he wouldn't let himself speak intimately.

But this time he nodded and talked to Even for a few hours longer with a smile on his face.

 

They all went back to Even's place. His roommates were there with weed and Even wanted to introduce them all.

Isak leaned back against the wall, head tilted back, smoke drifting through the air between all the people spread out in the living room. He was watching Even with a small smile on his face as Even laughed at something his roommate had said. When he made eye contact with Isak, Isak could only hold it for a second before looking down. Someone handed him the joint, and he took it, and managed to tug his gaze back up to Even's as he pulled, fingers around the rolling paper, close to his lips.

Isak didn't even fight his roommates, this time, when they started walking out the door to yet another outing. He was getting used to seeing Even every day, and he was liking it. He didn't think too much about it, though. It was safer if he didn't.

Even's roommates were nice. They were Even's age, or older, but they were college students who loved weed, so it didn't really matter. They let Magnus get high off his ass after a week of not smoking, let him lay in the middle of the floor and stare up at the ceiling, almost falling asleep between incoherent mumbling. They offered him food and water and kept asking if he was okay, even though they'd only met him an hour before.

“This is a nice place, man,” Mahdi said, looking around the cheaply-decorated living room.

“Thanks,” all three of the housemates said at once. Martin was the EMC major, and he was the one who was trying to coax some fluids into Magnus.

“Yeah, we like it,” one of them said. His name had been forgettable and Even had looked good so Isak hadn't thought to ask for his name again. And it'd been an hour, so it was too late now. “Cheap.”

“We hear that,” Jonas said. He was on the couch with the guy whose name he didn't know. Andre? Anders? Mahdi was cross-legged at Magnus's feet carefully tying Magnus's shoelaces together in an intricate knotted mess with extreme concentration. Martin had taken the armchair, leaving Even leaning against it on the floor, staring at Isak across the room.

Magnus finally formed the first coherent sentence he'd said in an hour. “That's a nice _fucking_ guitar, man,” he exclaimed, pointing to a corner of the room. He very carefully moved his arm so that he was pointing at Even instead. “Is it yours?”

He nodded, taking a pull from the joint. “It is.” He looked up at Isak and raised his eyebrows, and Isak rolledhis eyes, then leaned his head back and continued looking at his face even after he turned to focus back on what Magnus was saying.

“That's rad, man. That's a rad fucking guitar, man. How much did it cost?”

Isak nudged his shoulder with his foot. “Inappropriate.” When Magnus looked at him in confusion, he said, “Don't ask that.”

Even was smiling, and looked like he was about to speak, but Magnus started talking again. “Can you play? I mean... what can you play? You're a music major, is that your music?”

“Sorry, man, I'm a visual arts major,” he answered with a laugh. “The guitar's more for fun.”

“Oh, fuck, dude, Jonas can play guitar. Fuck. You should date him instead of Isak.”

“Will you shut the fuck up, please?” Isak said, kicking him harder this time. Magnus's mouth fell open in offense and Isak couldn't help the smile that came.

“You fucking kicked me man. Holy fuck, man, you fucking kicked me.”

“Stop saying fuck so much, Jesus Christ,” Jonas said, taking a pull from the joint. “How high are you?”

“Well if he's not gonna play guitar then he's gonna show us drawings,” Magnus continued, loudly. “Go get some fucking drawings, man, you're not gonna play guitar you're gonna show us drawings.”

“Oh, dude, he's fucking amazing,” Martin said, voice hoarse and dazed and in another realm. “Yeah, his drawings--” he made some sort of hand gesture that Isak assumed meant amazing, and then stuffed potato chips in his mouth.

“Yeah, man, he's awesome,” the other roommate said. What was his fucking name? Isak was distracted by Magnus shouting, “Show us! Show us a drawing.”

Isak had his eyebrows raised and a smile on his face when Even looked back at him, almost apologetically, cheeks kind of pink. Had Isak really never seen him embarrassed before? Isak had thought he was shameless.

“Yeah, man, show us something!” Jonas said enthusiastically, sitting forward on the couch. Mahdi had finally looked up from the totally fucked shoelaces in front of him to nod with wide eyes.

When Even looked at him again Isak nodded towards the artwork in the corner. “Go ahead, Michelangelo.”

“Sweep our boy off his feet!” Jonas exclaimed, releasing smoke on his exhale as Even acquiesced and stood, Martin pulling at his clothes from above him to try to tug him up. “Impress the hell out of Isak! Make him believe in love again!”

“Will you shut the hell up? Jesus fucking Christ.” Isak said, turning to look up at him. He was going to say that he wouldn't get all hot and bothered by some guy's artwork, but when Even was pulling at a canvas from the corner of the room with his hoodie's sleeves pushed up to his elbows, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt behind a mess of easels and paints sitting in a corner for which unfinished art was designated, he kind of lost his breath for a minute. Even glanced at him with a small smile, not at all shy, as if he hadn't been blushing at his friends' praises just a minute ago. He looked completely in his element, sorting through pencil sketches Isak couldn't make out from the distance and leaning canvases face down against the wall. Isak found himself leaning forward, knees bent towards his chest, waiting for Even to come back.

He set a few paintings down, in the center of the uneven circle of boys, and they were amazing. Beautiful. Portraits of old men with cigarettes, acrylic realism and cubed portraiture. Pictures of faces, of hands, gorgeous takes on ordinary sights. He was gifted, and Isak found himself holding his breath.

After only a week Isak knew so much about him. He had two older sisters, he'd played guitar since he was seven, he'd broken his left leg twice in one year. He'd played Isak his favorite album by his favorite rapper when he'd come to the bookstore to look after him on Sunday. Isak knew that his father had died when he was eight, that his mother had remarried when he was thirteen. He had a niece named Lisa and a nephew named Nils. He knew the Qur'an. In arabic.

He stopped looking at his own paintings after less than a minute and scooted to sit across from Isak again amid awed, weed-induced compliments, and soon everyone went back to separate conversations after an impromptu round of applause that Isak took part in timidly, clapping his hands in his lap. Even moved himself over to sit next to him against the wall.

“What'd you think?” he asked. “Did I make you believe in love again?”

“I never believed in love,” Isak answered. He looked up at Even. Even was already looking down at him. “But they're... good. They're, you know....” Isak nudged him with his shoulder, looking down at the hands in his lap as a blush rose to his cheeks. “Incredible,” he finished, looking back up.

Even smiled. “You're so cute,” he said.

“I thought you wanted me to be impressed,” Isak said, indignantly, and Even laughed. “Well, I'm admitting defeat and telling you that you're good.” Isak smiled. “I'm impressed. They're really... amazing.”

Even was smiling brightly, beaming at him, proud, and Isak felt his heart swell at it. “I'm glad you think so,” Even said, closing the inch between their shoulders so that they were pressed together.

Isak glanced up at him and bit his lip, and Even looked back, his smile faltering. Isak blushed and looked down. He had never wanted to kiss someone so badly.

Even touched his cheek for a second with his knuckles. Isak wished he'd left them there longer. “Are you okay?” he asked in a soft voice.

Isak couldn't look at him. He just nodded.

“Are you sure?”

Isak shrugged. “This is... new to me,” he finally said, looking back at him.

Even nodded. “I know,” he said with a smile. He bumped Isak's shoulder with his. “It's okay.”

  
**Saturday**

“Dude, can you just spot me this one time?” Isak asked. Begged. “Please, man, I really can't afford it right now.”

“This _one_ time, Isak?” scoffed Jonas, even as he pulled out his wallet from his pocket. “I've been covering your one am Waffle House bills for years, you've racked up quite a debt.”

“When I'm rich I'll pay you back,” Isak said, rubbing at his red eyes.

They were with one of Jonas's friends, Nate, who Isak disliked but who gave free weed, at a table in the back. Isak's hood was pulled over his eyes and he had just scarfed down an entire meal but was starving, still.

“How're things going with your boy?” Jonas asked, still picking at his eggs. He was never that hungry when he was high, which seemed preposterous to Isak.

Nate leaned forward in sudden interest, cooing, “Ooh, you got a boy, Isak?”

“No,” Isak said, rolling his eyes. “I have friends that are too invested in my sex life.”

Even was an obvious fucking dork. He'd added Isak on Facebook the day they met, and then he'd added Isak on Instagram a few days later. And if Isak went through all of his photos in one sitting, well, he didn't have to know.

“Wow, man,” Nate said, leaning back in his chair with a smile. “Finally giving up on your one night stands?”

“No,” Isak said. “I'm not.” He didn't acknowledge that he hadn't had sex in a week despite going to two parties, and neither did Jonas, but the knowledge was there. And while it wasn't unusual for him to go more than a week without sex, the knowledge that Even had something to do with it was there, too, unspoken.

“Have you been talking at all?” Jonas asked, and Isak rolled his eyes before pinning him with an unimpressed look. Jonas raised both his hands as if in surrender as he chewed on some toast, eyes going wide and towards the plate. “It was a question,” he muttered as he poked at his eggs with a fork.

“No,” Isak said. “I haven't been talking to him. I mean, except the times we're all with him.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don't want to fuck Even!” Isak said. “Jesus Christ.” But when he looked up and saw Jonas's face, he amended, “I mean, I _would_ fuck him, but he wants... more than that, so it'd be kind of shitty for me to do that.” He shrugged, looking down at his empty plate. “He's nice.”

“I heard about the guy who's life you wrecked at the cafeteria,” Nate said.

Jonas said, “Will you shut the fuck up?” as Isak stared open-mouthed at him. Jonas looked at him apologetically, mouthing, “Sorry.”

“I didn't mean to hurt him,” Isak said. “It just... turned out that way.” It's what he did. He fucked people over just like people did to him. He didn't know another way.

People asked, “Who hurt you?” and Isak didn't have an answer. It wasn't just one person, it wasn't a bad breakup, it wasn't an unrequited love. The truth was, it didn't matter.

His life was shit. People thought that that was some sort of excuse. That he was allowed to be scared and fucked up and insensitive because he'd left home at sixteen and his mother had gone crazy and he was hit by his father. But that wasn't an excuse. He didn't have to act the way he acted, or do the things he did. But he did anyways.

  
**Sunday**

**Pappa**

 

Pappa: _You should come see mamma in the facility._

 

Isak: _I see her as often as I can_

 

Pappa: _She misses you._

 

Isak: _Well I can't exactly drop everything to go see her when she misses me_

_I miss her too but I have responsibilities_

_You're the one that put her in that place anyways_

 

Pappa: _I don't want to have this discussion with you again._

_I did what was best for her._

_You couldn't take care of her on your own._

 

Isak: _Then maybe you should've fucking stayed_

_Not been such a selfish asshole_

_Leaving your crazy wife and 16 yr old kid_

 

Pappa: _I didn't love her anymore._

 

Isak: _Well I did. And you sent her away._

_I had nowhere to go._

 

Pappa: _Isak this is something that you can't understand._

 

Isak: _I know that if you'd left her with me I could have helped her._

_I wouldn't have locked her up._

_She doesn't like it when you visit her. You scare her. So just leave her alone._

_Stop pretending like you care about either of us_

_  
_ **Monday**

The stress was eating him alive. His father kept texting him, starting arguments he would never try to finish. It was early on in the semester and Isak was already getting overwhelmed; not with the work but the issues at home that wouldn't fucking leave him alone long enough to _do_ the work.

“Why is he still _fucking_ talking to me?” Isak mumbled, sitting in the armchair across from Jonas as Jonas sat on the couch. “He left. I was sixteen and Mamma was getting bad and he fucking left. And I was doing fine. I could take care of her.” Isak saw Jonas want to argue this point. Want to add that, no, he hadn't been fine. He'd gone days without sleeping when she wouldn't, following her around the house and shoving her hands away from sharp objects. He'd missed school for days at a time, forgotten to finish homework, lost weight because he didn't have the energy to eat. So, no, he wasn't fine, but he didn't want her to be taken from him. He didn't want her to be gone.

“I come home from school one day and bam, she's gone. House empty.” Isak was talking to himself at this point. Jonas was listening but Isak wasn't saying anything for his edification, just using his presence to justify speaking aloud. The thoughts in his head felt like stones sinking. “I think she's run off, or something. Think she's gotten out of the house, all confused and fucking crazy, and hurt herself. I run around Oslo scared out of my goddamn mind, I call Pappa while I'm fucking crying in the street, and he says he's had her taken away. To a facility on the other side of the motherfucking _country_. And now he wants to tell me I'm being a bad son? Neglecting her? Fuck him.”

“Fuck him,” Jonas echoed. This was one thing they always agreed on. Fuck Isak's dad. Jonas came to sit beside him on the cushioned arm of the chair. “You need to rest, Isak. This isn't healthy. You're acting like you're back in your mom's house. Like you're at the collective with Eskild after fucking a full grown perv.”

“Shut up, you know I don't like to talk about that.”

Isak's sixteenth year after losing his mother was a blur of drugs, alcohol, and men. His sexuality stayed a secret while he was living in his mom's empty apartment, and when Eskild found him passed out and groped in a gay club's alleyway, the knowledge spread to a close circle of people. His trek from the closet was still slow and destructive; he only admitted it to himself at all because he was so tired of feeling nothing. He couldn't keep pretending to like blowjobs from girls if everything else in his life had gone to shit, too.

“Go to bed, Issy,” Jonas said.

He did, but sleep was restless and halfhearted, so he finished his biology notes at two am.

  
**Tuesday**

**Sanasol**

Sanasol: _Eva wants me to ask you about Even_

 

Isak: _Tell Eva to keep dreaming_

 

Sanasol: _Will do Isabell_

 

Isak: _You're my favorite person_

 

Sanasol: _That shouldn't be news to you_

 

**Eva :)**

Isak: _Stop talking about me to your friends_

 

Eva: _They're your friends too_

 

Isak: _Well then I would tell them when I fucking want to_

_Not that there's anything to tell_

_Ugh you make me angry_

_He's cute ok_

 

Eva: _Isak you've gotten so soft in your old age ;)_

 

Isak: _I hate telling you anything_

 

Eva: _His name's Even right?_

_Do you want to kiss him?_

_Do you want to kiss his cute face?_

_Isak?_

 

**Sanasol**

Isak: _I do like him ok_

_Don't tell Eva_

 

Sanasol: _I don't really care but cool_

 

Isak: _As always thanks for your valuable input_

 

Sanasol: _Is this one actually good for you?_

 

Isak: _I think he could be_

_If he gives me time to get over my issues._

 

Sanasol: _If he's worth anything at all he'll wait_

 

Isak: _Thank you o wise one_

 

Sanasol: _This may come as a surprise to you_

_But I don't get joy from your self destructive behaviors_

_We all want better for you_

 

Isak: _What the fuck_

_When do you all talk about my wellbeing?_

 

Sanasol: _Just give this guy a chance ok?_

 

Isak: _I will Sana. Just for you._

_I'll be thinking about you the whole time ;)_

 

Sanasol: _Gross_

 

Isak: <3

  
**Wednesday**

Magnus was pointing at Isak from across the room as he talked to a girl, and Isak watched him with a furrowed brow, beer in hand. People crossed in front of him, the music got louder, and still Magnus was waving animatedly while gesturing to him.

“What's up?” he heard, and turned to the side to see Even leaning against the wall next to him. Isak hadn't seen him all night, even though they were at a quiet party at his flat, and Isak wanted to ignore the fluttering nerves at his presence. _Chill the fuck out._

Isak pointed with his beer at Magnus and the girl. “He's telling her something about me.”

Even squinted across the room. “What do you think he's saying?” He took Isak's beer and Isak let him.

“I don't know. He's talked about using me and my homosexuality to get girls before, so it might be that.”

“Has it ever worked?” Even asked, putting the can back into Isak's fist.

“Nothing's ever worked for Magnus.” Isak looked back up at Even. “What are you doing over here? You're not being a very good host.”

“I'm greeting my guests,” Even defended, and Isak smiled.

“Is that what this is?” he asked. The song changed abruptly, and before waiting for Even's smartass remark, Isak said, “Who chose this fucking music?”

Even laughed. “I don't know. Not your style?”

“You've already criticized my style.” Despite the few number of people there, at a “gathering” that had gotten a little out of hand, it was starting to get so loud Isak couldn't hear him. He gave the party an hour before it was reported to the landlord, considering these idiots were throwing a party on a Wednesday night. Isak leaned in to hear Even's answer, but he couldn't, and when he looked up at him with confusion on his face Even took his hand, and Isak let him. That was the most surprising thing he'd ever done. Isak followed him to a bedroom, and the party had only been going on for an hour but there was already a couple making out against the wall.

“Hey!” Even said loudly, hand still clasped around Isak's when he opened the door. “Out.”

“Come on, man,” the girl complained, head tipping back against the wall. “You get to fuck in here but we don't?”

“This is my room, and my house,” Even said. Isak pressed against his back and peered over his shoulder. “Please just fucking leave.” His voice was exhausted on the last sentence and Isak smiled as he looked at him.

They left, annoyed, and Even pulled Isak inside and shut the door. Isak sat on one of the beds, releasing Even's hand before realizing that he kind of missed the comfort of it. Even sat on the other bed, bouncing a little, facing him. Isak glanced around the room. Two twin beds, posters on the walls of bands and movies, photographs, a dresser with a fish tank on it. Isak stood up and looked at the fish closer.

“Did you name your fish?” he asked, looking over his shoulder at Even. The light was on and it was cozy in the room, muffled pop music coming—still rather violently—through the door and bass vibrating the floorboards.

“Not my fish,” Even said from the bed. “But his name is Scarface. It's Martin's.”

Isak turned back around and sat on the bed next to Even instead of the one across from him. “Enjoying the... Wednesday night party?”

Even shook his head. “I hate having parties at the house. I end up having to clean up after everyone.”

“You could just get really wasted and pass out,” Isak suggested. “Then you wouldn't have to clean up.”

Even smiled. “Avoiding the problem. Is that your solution to everything?”

“Of course,” Isak said. “Makes everything easier.” Even was close to him, their shoulders almost touching. Isak missed the feeling of his big hand around his fingers, and then felt silly for missing it.

Even pulled a blunt from his pocket and Isak smiled. “Think we can finish the whole thing?” Even asked.

“If you're okay with me being unresponsive for the next few hours,” Isak said, taking it from him and admiring it. “This is really well rolled. Did you do this?”

Even wiggled his fingers. “These can do a lot of things.”

Isak felt himself blushing even as he laughed. “I'm sure they can. And I'm sure you steal a lot of boys' hearts with that line.”

“I don't want a lot of boys,” Even said, taking the blunt from his fingers and looking around the room, muttering, “I know I have a lighter somewhere,” as he lifted up the pillows on the bed. Isak stood up and took in the room again. They were clearly on Even's bed. His walls were covered with photos and drawings and Isak got closer to them to look. Mountain scenes, sunsets, Even with groups of smiling people. The posters on his side were of obscure bands and outdoor concerts and political rallies he'd apparently attended. There were little sketches taped up, cartoons with speech bubbles. His blinds were open and there were sunglasses on the windowsill. He had a guitar leaning in the corner, near the open closet door.

“Found it,” Even said, standing up straight with the lighter in hand as Isak ran his fingers over the guitar strings. He sat down, eyeing Isak, then raised his eyebrows at the guitar. “Want me to woo you with my guitar?” he asked after a second.

Isak picked it up and handed it to him as he sat down next to Even. “You can try,” he said. “I'm very hard to woo.”

“Here, take this,” he said, putting the blunt between Isak's lips and handing him the lighter. Isak felt color rise to his cheeks again when Even's fingers grazed his lips, but he lit the blunt and turned to blow smoke in Even's face as he situated the guitar on his lap and started to pick at the strings. Any guy with a guitar is hotter than a guy without. He looked up at Isak when the smoke hit his face and he smiled before looking back down.

Isak took another drag and then held it out to Even. He opened his mouth and Isak rolledhis eyes, but put the blunt between his lips anyways. Even looked at him as he pulled from it a few times, bringing two fingers up to it to hold it in place. He sighed out a stream of smoke and said, “Ready to have your mind blown?”

“Is that a line?” Isak asked, huffing out a laugh as he took the blunt back. “Does it usually work?”

“I'm good at blowing minds,” he said suggestively, and Isak laughed for real.

“I bet you are.” Isak turned to cross his legs under himself and face Even. “Well go on,” Isak said, gesturing to the guitar. “Are you gonna play me something? Are you gonna _woo_ me? Because just sitting there is only making me... less attracted to you.”

“Oh, I'm gonna woo you,” he said, putting his fingers into position without looking away from Isak. Isak took a drag and blew some smoke out after holding it in. “Just you wait. You'll _have_ to kiss me after you hear my guitar skills.”

“Wow,” Isak said. “You're that good?”

“Are you gonna shut up so I can play?” Even asked, leaning forward. “Are you stalling? Afraid that you'll be wooed, and then you'll have to kiss me?”

“I'm not gonna kiss you,” Isak said, smiling and blushing, which seemed to be Even's favorite version of him.

Even raised his eyebrows. “We'll see.” And then he started to play.

And like the paintings he'd shown them, his fingers on that guitar were magic. Isak's breath caught, and he stared at the way Even's fingers moved before pulling his eyes to his face, bent over the guitar, not paying Isak any mind. Isak leaned back against the wall, watching him, bringing the blunt to his lips and inhaling deeply, his eyes on the way Even was moving. It was some familiar tune he should have recognized, deftly played, fingers picking carefully over each string. He wasn't singing or humming or nodding his head; he was still and he was playing and it was beautiful. And when he stopped, Isak hadn't wanted him to.

_God, what am I getting myself into._

Even looked up as he set the guitar aside and took the blunt for a long inhale, eyes trained on Isak. Isak didn't break the gaze. He didn't want to.

“I won't kiss you,” he said carefully after the silence. “It's a... very bad idea.”

Even didn't look disappointed or sad or anything but amused, really, and curious, when he said, “Why's that?”

Isak only watched him for a minute, as Even watched him, moving the pot to his lips for another long pull. “Because I want to,” Isak said softly. “I really, really want to.”

“Then why don't you?” Even asked, just as softly.

Isak shook his head, still meeting his gaze. It was an intense gaze. It was piercing. He didn't know how to explain the fear he had. He didn't want to hurt Even, but more than that, he didn't want to be hurt by him.

Even didn't make him answer, just smiled as he handed the blunt back. They spent the rest of the night together in his room, talking about everything until the marijuana took its strong hold and they only laid next to each other on the double bed, their shoulders touching, giggling at nothing and making intoxicated observations. And when Isak woke up after his friends had left, Even drove him home and walked him to the door and stood there with him as Isak looked up at him and forced his hands into his pocket because they wanted to grab Even and pull him forward.

It'd be so easy to invite him in.

But that would ruin everything.

So Isak took his hand lightly for a second, squeezing before he let go, and disappeared inside.

  
**Thursday**

He wasn't even surprised to see Even at the table when he walked up with Mahdi. He had gotten so used to seeing Even over the past two weeks that he couldn't really imagine his day without some brief encounter with him. Only two weeks. Sometimes it hit him how briefly he'd known the guy, but sometimes Isak was also overwhelmed with how much he knew about Even.

Isak sat down next to him and Even beamed at him, as if Isak had chosen him and it meant the world. It was partly because Isak wanted to sit with him, but mostly because the other open spot in the booth was beside Nate, and Isak didn't like Nate. He wasn't really sure why Nate was there; he could only assume that Jonas invited him, as he always did.

“You look great, Isak,” Even said. He smelled good, like soap and clothes softener.

“Fucking subtle, man,” Mahdi said from across the table before Isak could reply. “God, you two are so obvious.”

“Me?” Isak asked, pointing a finger at himself. “What do _I_ do? He's the obvious one.”

“Please, you slept over at his house last night,” Mahdi said, and Isak felt himself blush. “You disappeared into his bedroom an hour into the party and didn't come out at all.”

“When we tried to find you ya'll were dead asleep on his bed,” Jonas said, and Isak threw him a, “Really? You, too?” kind of look, before saying, “We just smoked,” as he stared down at the table, fingers fussing with a napkin in front of him. They were at a diner in town. Someone was going to have to pay for his meal, because they had been the ones who asked him to go when he whined that he was perfectly content eating microwave popcorn in bed. He was out of money. Rent was due in a week and everything he'd made over the past month had to go towards that or they'd have a late charge tacked onto January.

“So this is your boy?” Nate asked him. Isak rolled his eyes. Even looked far too amused by all of this.

“I don't have a _boy_ ,” Isak said pointedly, looking at Nate and then looking back down. He was always fucking staring at him in the weirdest way. Some cross between a smirk and a million unidentifiable emotions.

“Isak doesn't believe in love,” Magnus said, possibly assuming he was being helpful.

When Isak looked at Even he said, “Shame,” as he smiled, and Isak couldn't help but smile back.

“But you slept with him,” Nate said, and Isak's mouth fell open.

“Not that it's any of your _business_ ,” he said, “or any of yours, but no, we didn't sleep together. I passed out after smoking and he took me home at three am. There was no... fucking involved.”

“Not yet,” Even added, and Isak hastily said, “Not ever,” as he looked up at Even incredulously. Still smiling a little. Isak turned back to Nate, who was still fucking looking at him, in that way he did. Isak hated it. “Besides, you can sleep with someone without believing in love.”

“Isak does it all the time,” Mahdi agreed.

“Why is everyone attacking me?” Isak asked, even though his face was flushed and he was avoiding looking at Even. He had a self-destructive sex life that he didn't want Even to know all the details about. “Did you invite me to dinner just so you could do this?”

“We invited you to dinner so you would eat something other than ice cream and chips,” Jonas said.

“Well I don't have any money,” Isak said. “If you want to make rent this month one of you will have to pay.”

“I got you,” Even said, and Isak said, pointing, “No, not you. Not you. Jonas, or Magnus, or Mahdi.”

“Why not me?” Even asked, feigning offense. “What the fuck? It's like a ten dollar meal.”

“Because they're the assholes that made me come, not you. You shouldn't have to pay,” Isak said, turning to face him. “Also, I don't want you confusing this for anything like a date.”

“So, what, if Jonas pays it's a date with him?” Even asked. “You'd date Jonas before you'd date me?”

“If you pay, then I have to make sure you know it's not a date, because you, for some reason, want to date me,” Isak said. “That means I have to owe you money, and I don't have any of that.” He pointed to the other guys. “They don't want to date me. I don't owe them anything, because they already know it's not a date.”

“If I assure you it's not a date, will you let me pay?” Even asked.

“No.” Isak turned back tohis roommates, eyebrows raised. “Well. Who's it gonna be?”

“It's Mags's turn,” Jonas said, lifting his drink to his lips. No one had come to the table since Mahdi and Isak had gotten there so Isak took Even's cup of water for a sip. “I got you the other day at Waffle House.”

“Fine,” Magnus said. “I'll spot you. Again.”

“I'm sorry I have to work two jobs to make rent,” Isak said. “I'm sorry that inconveniences you all so much. Jesus Christ. I was perfectly happy in bed, you know.”

“But then you wouldn't've seen me,” Even said. His arm was along the back of the booth, not quite around Isak's shoulders, but intimate, still. It was nice. “Just give me your number, Isak,” he said.

“For the last time, no!” Isak said, laughing. “You don't need my number. You have me on Facebook and Instagram. That's... plenty.”

“But it's more so much more _intimate_ \--”

“Ugh, don't say that word! That's what we're avoiding, Even,” Isak said, turning his head to Even, both of them smiling, holding eye contact. Isak forgot that his friends were there for a second, so when he remembered he blushed when he turned back to them, embarrassed even as he moved closer to Even.

But Even was smiling, so Isak smiled back, trying not to break out into a laugh, and when Isak couldn't look at him any longer, he looked at the table and nudged him with his shoulder. Even wrapped his arm around him, and Isak let him keep it there. He let himself lean into Even, taking his drink again, smiling up at him briefly while the rest of the boys shifted the conversation to different topics.

He was falling hard and fast. He'd never felt anything like this before.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me comments about when you'd like this updated! I have a few chapters written, I'd like to know if you'd like the first few now (then there'd be a bigger wait between the later chapters), or to spread them out.   
> Thank you for reading <3 Please be nice to me and tell me if I've messed anything up :)


	3. Week 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even keeps trying.......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll. This is being received so well and I love you all for even giving it a chance, and especially leaving me kudos and comments. It's so niceeee.   
> I've decided to post this today (2 hours before chemistry final o shit) because the first few chapters are pretty slow and this way we can get to the goods quicker.  
> Alsoooo I feel so so bad for accidentally plagiarizing cuteandtwisted in the first chapter (a lot of ya'll probs didn't notice bc it was 2 lines that I was notified of like 20 mins after posting and took down immediately but I still feel so guilty omg ;__;) so this is a plug for their current fic You Don't Even Know Me and it's amazing like all their other fics <3 I'm sure pretty much everyone already reads their works but I'm swimming in guilt at what I did (so sorrrrry, literally no one is mad at me but I'm still so sorry :'( ).  
> Anyways, here you go! Leave me comments if you want, I'm replying <3 Ya'll are the best!

**Friday**

Isak liked spending time alone with Even. He wouldn't admit this. He hadn't told the boys that he was going to Even's apartment when he left his own, but he was sure they would figure it out. And then they'd make a bigger deal out of it than it was. Even was just... easy to talk to. Easy to be around. Even made him happy in a strange way. He hadn't been happy for long enough to be used to it, yet.

“That's some sweaty cheese,” Isak noted as Even sliced it to put on bread. Even didn't look at him as he scoffed in offense.

“That's Martin's fault. Always leaving the cheese out.”

Isak laughed. “You're a fucking liar. It was you, wasn't it?”

“Didn't you come over here to buy weed?” Even asked. “And what do I do instead? I feed you, I clothe you, I smoke you up.” He was in the process of making food and Isak was wearing one of his hoodies and Even hadn't charged him for the weed because they'd smoked it all together. He did sound a lot like Eskild, though, in that moment. Isak just smiled, told him to add all the spices, and watched as he walked around the kitchen with his sleeves pushed to his elbows. Sleeves pushed to elbows was always the best look possible on hot guys.

Isak's phone was buzzing. Fucking group chat. They never shut up.

Jonas: _Party at Nate's place._

Mahdi: _Hell yea_

Magnus: _I'm in bro!!_

Jonas: _Isak?_

Isak looked up at Even, shoving the bread in the oven, and decided to get this shit over with.

Isak: _I'm with Even. We're staying in._

Pocketing his phone, he ignored the constant buzzing that went on for almost two minutes, resolving instead to watch Even put away all the ingredients in what would be speculated as the worst tasting cheese toasties in the universe. Isak wasn't holding high hopes for them.

“These are gonna taste like balls,” Even said, closing the fridge door and reading Isak's mind.

“Yeah, what the hell did you think?” Isak asked. “You better make some popcorn after this. To cleanse my palate so I can enjoy this fucking movie you're gonna make me watch.”

“Look, I give you free weed, I make you cheese toasties, I educate you on movies, and what do I get in return?”

Isak was laughing. “You're so fucking dramatic!”

“Do you want a beer, Isak?”

“Don't say my name like that,” Isak said, holding out his hand for the bottle.

Even looked amused, pushing the glass, wet with condensation, into Isak's palm. “Like what?”

“Like... in that sexy way.”

Even laughed, a full bodied laugh. It was gorgeous. “What the fuck does that mean? That wasn't sexy! I think you're starting to see me the way I see you. Everything you do is sexy.”

“You're a dork,” Isak said, then burst into laughter with him. Even pulled out the cheese toasties, led Isak to the living room, and sat him on the couch next to the bong and lighter that were still out. Isak may have shuffled a little closer than necessary. He may have touched the outsides of their thighs together when there was an entire sofa that could have been between them. Whatever. It's not like Even was being subtle, or stopping anytime soon. Why couldn't Isak play along?

Even did make him popcorn, after they each got through about half of their snack. He made him tea, too, when it was late at night and they hadn't even turned the TV on yet because they'd spent so long talking. Even finally turned on _Romeo + Juliet_ and Isak didn't tell him that he recognized the director's name from a video Even had made in high school that Isak may or may not have found while stalking him the day after meeting him. Even was the desperate one. Isak was still clinging onto his hard-to-get lifeline, unraveling a little more each time he thought of him.

But really. It wasn't Isak's fault for liking him. He was kind and hot and made him feel good. There was no harm in flirting with him, as long as he didn't let anything go too far.

He didn't want to be responsible for breaking such a good heart.

  
**Saturday**

“I know you cried,” Even said, coming close to Isak and smiling at him, putting his hands on his waist.

“No!” Isak said, laughing as Even pressed closer, Isak's hands on his chest halfheartedly pushing him away. He didn't want him to go completely; he was touch starved and Even always laid his hands on him with nothing but affection.

Even pressed his hands deeper into Isak's sides, pulling more laughter from him. “Don't be ashamed, it's a sad movie. You cried just like you did last night. It's alright.”

“Stop! I didn't cry!” Isak squirmed against him, resisting the urge to wrap his arms around his neck, still smiling and giggling in a totally whipped way.

When Even stopped poking at his ribs, he didn't move his hands from Isak's hips, and Isak didn't move his hands from Even's biceps. They were in the kitchen getting snacks, their five roommates in Isak's living room. They had just spent a few hours laying around the room watching TV stoned out of their minds.

“We should get lunch,” Isak said, quietly, still keeping his fingers on Even's shoulders.

“Okay,” Even said, but he didn't move either. Finally, Isak made himself tear away from him, opening the pantry. Each shelf was labeled with a Sharpie name on masking tape, Noora's collective style. Jonas's was full of healthy shit, like granola and whole grain cereal. Isak's was a kind of embarrassing mix of chips and popcorn and Easy Mac.

Isak pulled some chips and stuff out, handing them all to Even as he looked for more, and then they walked back into the living room and sat down on the floor with everyone else.

“So,” Jonas said. They were finally sobered up enough to hold conversations instead of watch _The Lion King_ on cable. Isak was sitting with his back against the couch, shoulder pressed against Even's, and Isak looked up when he spoke. “We're having a pregame on Friday.”

Even looked at Isak, but Isak was busy saying, “Please don't.”

“We're gonna host the pregame here, at our place, with a few friends, before we go to a party,” Jonas continued, ignoring him. “Ya'll should come.”

“We'll be there!” Martin exclaimed, then turned to Isak with an odd amount of excitement for someone he barely knew. “And we'll bring hella alcohol, man, Even's really into you.”

“That's... not necessary information,” Even said as Isak turned to him with an expectant look on his face.

“Please, like you've been so subtle,” Anders said. “But yeah, dudes, we'll be there.”

Isak looked up at Even. “You'll be there?” he asked quietly.

Even gave him a firm nod of his head, corners of his lips curling up minutely. “I'll be there.”

Isak smiled. He hadn't wanted to go to this party, thrown by a friend of Nate's, but he had long since stopped arguing with his roommates about letting him stay home on the weekends, and he could have a good time if Even was there.

He leaned into Even's shoulder as Jonas changed the channel from _The Lion King_ to the cable news, and found himself lost in the heat of him. Even turned to him, too close to really be able to make out his features, but Isak saw those full lips smile and had to restrain himself from lunging into a kiss.

“You're kind of an asshole, you know that?” Isak said, low enough that no one else could here.

Even only smiled, looking straight ahead at the television. “Why's that?”

“You'll never stop being a goddamn tease.”

“Everything I've offered you, you can have, baby.”

Isak smiled, rested his chin on Even's shoulder for a moment to watch his profile, and said, “You know I can't.”

“Only you think that. I think you should do whatever you want.”

“What if that doesn't involve you?” Isak asked.

“Who am I to keep you from anything?” Even answered.

Isak put his head on Even's shoulder and didn't reply.

  
**Sunday**

“Is this going to become a thing?” Isak asked, unwrapping a Wendy's cheeseburger. “Don't you have anything better to do than come here and talk to me? Don't you have a job?”

“Do you want me to go?” Even asked, raising his eyebrows as he took a bite of his burger.

“No, stupid, I don't want you to go,” Isak said. He rounded the counter so he could sit against it, facing Even as he sat by the bookshelves. Their feet were touching. Isak gave him a few halfhearted kicks so he could get into the position he wanted.

“You're being pretty unprofessional,” Even said.

“You don't ever fucking shut up, do you?” Isak asked, and Even laughed, tangling his ankle with Isak's. They seemed to always be touching now, whenever they were together. And they were together a lot. Isak never thought he'd like a guy this much.

“You're also being pretty mean to the person who brings you food,” Even said. “You should check your attitude.”

“Oh, no, wouldn't want to stop being spoiled with three-dollar hamburgers and nasty cheese toasties.” Isak threw the wrapper at him and he caught it and threw it back. “Is this how you win over all the boys?”

Even shook his head, taking another bite, not even looking at Isak as he said nonchalantly, “No, you're the only boy I've ever chased.”

Isak paused with a french fry poised in the air on its way to his mouth. “What? You're... you've never been with a guy?”

“Are we gonna get that personal right now?” Even scoffed, mouth open, teasing him. “I've been with guys before, Isak, don't you worry. And I'm _very_ good at being with them--”

“Funny,” Isak said. “That's the way to win me over—brag about your other exploits.”

“I wasn't finished, crazy, calm down.” Isak threw a fry at him and Even pinched it between two fingers to throw it back. He leaned back against the bookshelf and raised his eyebrows. “Are you done? Are you gonna let me finish this time?” Isak bit his lip to stop a smile and nodded for him to continue. “I've been with guys before,” Even said. “But I've never had a boyfriend.”

Isak shrugged. “Okay. Neither have I.”

“But I've had girlfriends. A girlfriend. Four year girlfriend.”

Isak nodded. That feeling in his stomach better not be jealousy. “Ah. I see. So you, like, are into relationships, and whatever.”

“Yeah, Isak, I'm into relationships and whatever,” Even mocked, eating a french fry. “Why aren't you?”

There were a lot of things he could have said, and all would be the truth. _Because my father left my mother. Because I had sex with a forty-year-old when I was sixteen and he beat the shit out of me. Because I was in the closet for eighteen years. Because everyone leaves anyways._

“Because I clearly have issues,” he said. It was the simplest answer, it was all-encompassing. And it was true.

“You're really not one to divulge anything personal, are you?” Even said.

“Don't feel left out,” Isak said. “No one knows that stuff about me. Only Jonas. And my roommate from high school.” A customer came into the store, ringing the bell above the door, and Isak sighed as he stood up to move behind the counter.

“You had a roommate in high school?” Even asked.

“Yeah,” Isak said distractedly, looking for the person who had walked in. “I moved out when I was sixteen.” He glanced at Even. “Can you pull your gangly fucking legs in so you don't brain my customer?”

“Sorry, baby,” he said with a wink, and Isak smiled at him as he flipped him off. “Tell me about this roommate,” Even said.

Isak shrugged. “Not much to tell. I had three roommates. I slept in Eskild's room. They didn't make me pay rent.”

“How'd you end up staying with them?”

Isak sighed and threw him a look, then decided that maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if he told Even this fact about him. He was going to find out sometime. “I moved out of my mom's place when I was sixteen.” He looked down at the table. “I stayed with Jonas for a while. Then I started to do stupid shit, like....” He stopped and looked around for the customer, but they weren't there anymore. Whatever. “Like going out and getting drunk and having stupid rough sex with people that I couldn't even remember the next morning. And... yeah.” He shrugged, picking at a thread unraveling from his sleeve and watching his fingers intently. “Some guy had knocked me out after we fucked, and later that night Eskild found me outside the bar. I was drunk and hysterical and kept telling him I didn't want to go home. So he just took me to his apartment. And, I dunno, I stayed.”

There was barely a pause before Even was speaking again. And Isak was so glad it wasn't, _God, Isak, I'm sorry_. “Was it nice?” Even asked. “The apartment, I mean? Your roommates?”

“Yeah. Uh, we ate dinner together a lot. They really cared about me. The girls didn't know about all the shit I did, not at first, but Eskild did, and he didn't care unless someone hurt me.”

“I don't know how anyone could want to hurt you,” Even said.

“Because you're a good person, Even,” Isak answered. “Not everyone's like you. And not everyone deserves someone like you.”

“You do,” he said. “If you want me.”

_Of course I want you, you idiot. Just fucking take me. Kiss me, press me up against the wall. I want you._

“I can't trust myself,” Isak said. “I can't trust what I want.”

“Why not?”

“Because I make the wrong decisions.”

  
**Monday**

“Hi coffee boy,” Isak said, smiling when Even looked up from the to-go cup he was drawing on in Sharpie. “Can I get some service here?”

Even smiled as he set the cup aside. “You found me.”

“I did. You look busy.”

The coffee shop was empty save for two kids at separate tables reading textbooks. Isak held up a Burger King bag and Even's face brightened even further.

“Just returning the favor, don't look so fucking happy,” Isak said. “I got you a cheeseburger and french fries. Good?”

“Perfect.” Even took the bag and opened it to eat a fry. He held one out to Isak and he took it between his teeth. This was the cheesiest shit. What was happening to him. They weren't even fucking dating.

“Do you want a coffee?” Even asked. “No charge. You can even have the doodle cup.” He held up the paper cup with drawings of jellyfish and dogs all over it.

“Tempting, mister art student. But I gotta get to class.” At his knowing smile Isak huffed out an annoyed, “What?”

“You came all the way here just to bring me lunch?”

“Fuck off, Even.”

“You're so fucking cute. Holy shit, you're just as whipped as I am.”

Isak rolled his eyes and said, “Jesus Christ, Even, no one could possibly be as fucking whipped as you are. It's not like it's out of the way, it's right off campus. And... and you buy me shit all the time, this is just making sure I don't owe you too much.”

“I think you like me, Valtersen,” Even said with a smirk.

“How could anyone like you?” Isak answered.

Even scoffed. “How could anyone not?”

“Well that girl you dated for four years did, but I don't see how.”

Even bit his lip, eyes lit up in a smile. “Jealous?”

_Fuck yes._ “You wish.”

That was always the wrong thing to say in situations filled with sexual tension. “You wish,” was a gateway from flirting to acting on impulses, just like, “Make me,” and, “Prove it.” As Even and Isak stared at each other from across the counter, Isak realized this. And he realized that he wanted Even to lean in and kiss him, he wanted Even's fingers in his hair and Even's tongue in his mouth, he wanted the tension to break and finally give them the release they both needed.

But he just said, quietly, “I have to go,” as his eyes fell to Even's lips.

And Even answered, still smiling, “Sure, baby. Go.”

Isak didn't go. He leaned against Even's counter and missed his math class and talked to Even until his shift ended and he hung up his dorky apron and left with Isak. They stood together on the tram, backpacks weighting them down, shoved close together by the throngs of people. Even kept looking down at Isak every time he had to press against his chest to let someone past, and Isak just rolled his eyes and pretended he wasn't blushing at the contact.

Someone crashed into Isak upon their exit, and Isak would have fallen if Even hadn't held him up with a hand around his waist, smiling down like he knew more than Isak did about something important.

“You're an asshole,” Isak said, biting his lip and smiling up at him.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Why's that?”

“Being such a nice fucking person. Why do you always have to be so goddamn nice?”

Even smiled. “You deserve the best.”

“You're always saying shit like that.”

“It's true.” Even looked around. “Are you going to your place or are you coming back to mine?”

“You already know the answer to that.”

  
**Tuesday**

Isak had his phone tucked between his shoulder and his ear and was arguing with Jonas as he set up some 101 Chemistry lab before the students got there. He'd have three hours to wait, and then he'd go in and take everything down.

“Just give him your number man. Just do it. Do it, Isak.”

“Stop!” Isak said, pulling the hood for the hazardous waste up. “Why do you all care so much about whether or not I fuck Even? Seriously. We're hanging out. We're friends. Stop trying to fuck it up!”

“I just think he could be good for you,” Jonas said.

“Cause I'm so fucked up?” Isak said.

“Yeah, Issy, you're pretty fucked up.” Jonas sighed and Isak laughed a little, getting out the weigh boats from the giant chemical closet. “You know I don't sugarcoat this shit, man. You're messed up.”

“Because I like sex?”

“You know there's nothing wrong with casual sex,” Jonas said. “I _love_ casual sex, I don't know where I'd be without casual sex. But, Isak, you don't fucking _want_ it. You just... do it, because it's something to do. Because someone else wants you to.”

“I can make my own decisions, you know,” Isak said. “I don't need you babysitting me. I'm not eleven anymore.” After a moment's thought, he added, “Or sixteen,” because that was the age at which he really needed help.

“Bitch, I know you can make your own decisions. I'm just saying you should decide on Even.”

Isak scoffed to hide the very real laugh that was threatening to spill. “Why?”

“Because he's nice, and he'd treat you right, and you deserve to be treated right. You need to stop letting people treat you like shit, man.”

“I'm hanging up, Jonas. I'll see you at home.”

As he tossed his phone onto a table, he knew Jonas wasn't wrong. He also knew that he wouldn't accept it, yet.

Even was easy to talk to. He was fun, and he was patient, and Isak liked being around him. Isak loved being around him. And as much as he tried not to, Isak could imagine some sort of future with him. Some sort of relationship, no matter how much he wanted to avoid thinking about it. He could see Even being someone he could be with. But before he even considered it, he had to work through some of his shit. He needed to be alone for a while, be without sex, reflect or whatever on whether he could be what someone needs.

He didn't want to take his time. He wanted to be with Even now.

_Get over yourself_. He couldn't be with someone else until he learned to take care of himself. He couldn't burden the kindest guy in the world with his problems. And his problems were plentiful.

He picked his phone up from the table saw a Facebook message from Even. _Come over after work?_

Isak smiled and held the phone to his chest. _Yeah. Give me a few hours._

The reply was quick. _Miss you._

_You're ridiculous._

_< 3_

  
**Wednesday**

The hospital made Isak nervous. His mother didn't deserve to be in a place like this, with it's sick green walls, pale and rotting in the corners from water damage. He had been here every month since he was sixteen, so he knew the drill. He knew about waiting in a plastic chair-lined room until his mother was placated enough for him to see her.

He didn't like the place. He didn't like that they sedated her whenever she showed the least bit of spirit instead of calming her as their jobs described. When Isak was done with school, he was going to move her somewhere better. Somewhere closer, where she was allowed to be nervous or happy or whatever she felt. Whatever she really felt, instead of this numbed version of herself.

The nurse finally called him into the hallway and he followed her down the tiled floor into his mom's pistachio colored room, leaving the door opened behind them as the nurse walked away. It was a rule, during visitations.

“Hi, Mamma,” Isak said, sitting in the armchair as she was perched on the corner of her bed, looking blankly out the window. He could tell she'd been drugged shortly before his visit. Her eyes were glazed over, she wasn't looking at him. “How are you?” he tried, leaning farther into her line of sight.

“Your pappa keeps coming to see me,” she said, dully.

“I know. I'm sorry, Mamma, I'm trying to get him to stop.”

“I hate him.”

“I know.” He took her hands when she extended them, moving to sit next to her on the bed. “Me too.”

Isak never knew who she would go on a tirade about when he visited. It had only been him a few times, and she had sobbed apologizing the next time he'd come. She rarely meant any of what she said; it was frustration at her position, misdirected anger at her husband.

“I love you, Mamma,” he said, leaning his head on her shoulder.

“I love you, too, my sweet boy.”

“Are you doing better?” he asked, pulling back to look at her, his arm around her shoulders. She had always been small, but seemed smaller these days, alone in a hospital she'd been forced into.

“I don't feel much of anything anymore,” she answered, looking at her hands in her lap.

_Neither do I_.

“I'm so sorry, Mamma,” he said, tilting his head against her temple. “I'll get you out when I can, I promise, but you just need to hold on a little longer. Just until I finish school. I don't have the money to move you, now, but I've been saving up.” He wasn't there when she was taken away, he would be there for her now and for the rest of her life. “Pappa won't have any say over your treatment anymore.”

“Tell me about school,” she said. “Tell me about your friends. How's Jonas?”

Isak smiled. “He's great, Mamma. He asks about you, sometimes. He's offered to come with me, to see you again. Is that something you think you'd like?”

She looked hesitant at that; crowds overwhelmed here, and in this tiny room even two people would seem like too many. He patted her hand and said, “It's okay. When you're feeling better. We'll talk about it again when you're feeling better.” He kissed her cheek and settled back against her. “Mamma, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Okay? You can tell them you don't want to take the sedatives. You can tell them not to allow Pappa in to visit. I think you should stay on your prescription, but you shouldn't be so drugged you can't function.” He smoothed his thumb over her hand where they were interlocked in her lap. “Anytime you need to see me, tell them to call me. They will. And I promise I'll come. No matter what.”

On the tram home he didn't cry like he wanted to. Not for his mother, for his lost childhood, for his future he wasn't at all sure about. He rested his head against the window, exhausted and emotionally drained, and slept as they passed green hills.

  
**Thursday**

Isak had music on. So did Magnus. Because it was three in the afternoon and Magnus was having the loudest sex he'd ever heard in his bedroom. His mattress was squeaking, the frame was slamming against the wall. The girl sounded like she was straight out of a porno, the way she kept squealing, “Yes, yes, yes!” in a high pitched voice. Isak heard Magnus grunting with exertion, which was the most uncomfortable thing of all.

He was trying very hard to focus on his anatomy textbook. Trying to learn the vertebrae and the way each rib connected. Instead he was learning about how flexible this chick was and how loud his friend could be.

“Shut up!” he screamed, which was nothing compared to the noise they were making. He turned his music up louder. Their neighbors had to fucking hate them at this moment.

Isak took a red pen to his textbook and started writing, listening to old-school rap music mix with whatever romantic crap Magnus was playing and loud, drawn out moans.

His phone lit up beside his and he picked it up when he would usually ignore it. Homework came first when he could actually focus on it instead of Magnus's sex life. The notification was from Facebook. Isak swiped it open and the messenger system popped up with a message from Even.

_Why won't you give me your number :(_

Isak smiled at it. _Why do you need it? We're talking right now._

His response was quick. _Not the same. What are you doing?_

The girl let out a particularly heady scream, but apparently they weren't done yet. _Mags is having sex with the loudest girl in the world. I'm hiding out in my room. Studying. What are you doing?_

Typing bubbles popped up as Magnus yelled but kept going. Isak didn't know straight sex lasted as long as this sex was lasting. He also didn't know it was necessary to let out that much noise. Even's message came up: _Painting._

_You're painting rn?_ he typed. He sent it without meaning to and had to add a separate message saying, _Why are you talking to me, then?_

_Well I'm allowed to take breaks, Isak. God. Is that okay with you?_

Isak hid his smile in his palm even though he was alone in the room. _You're always so fucking dramatic._ Magnus and his girl were not stopping anytime soon. God. Straight sex wasn't as exciting as those two were making it sound. Isak knew. He'd been deep in the closet in high school, deep enough to have sex with girls at parties just to prove a point, in between drunken weekend hookups with grown men that only Eskild knew about. _Can I come over?_ He wrote.

_I was just about to ask if you wanted to._

Isak smiled even wider. Why was Even always so good to him? _You're the best. I'll be there soon._

_Door's open, baby._

When he got there, toeing off his shoes and calling, “Even?” the door to his bedroom was open and Isak walked in with his backpack. Even was lying on his bed with a sketchbook open and charcoal smeared on his fingers, a hood pulled over his head and a swirl of blonde across his forehead.

“Hi,” Isak said, leaning his hip against the doorframe. Even looked up and grinned. “Hi, baby. Good day?”

“What's with the 'baby'?” Isak asked, sitting next to him on the bed. “You've just... completely given up on being at all subtle?”

“When was I ever subtle?” Even retorted. He pushed himself up until he was sitting, and Isak could see a sketch of hands going on the sketchbook page.

“Are you ever gonna draw me?” he asked, smiling at Even as he fingered at the corner of the sketchbook.

“I already have.”

Isak scoffed. “Sure.”

“I have!” Even said, laughing. “I swear.”

“You have _not_!” Isak said. When Even kept smiling and looking, he leveled him with a disbelieving look that was a bit less convincing from the upward curl of his lips. “Prove it, then!”

“No!” Even said, like it was obvious. “You don't get to see them until we're together. If I can wait to date you, you can wait to see the drawings.”

“What makes you so sure we're going to date?”

Even didn't answer, just smiled as he closed his sketchbook.

 


	4. Week 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're getting somewhere but not where most of you probably hope just yet ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo I'm so glad people are being so responsive to this omg everyone is so good and nice and patient! I have so much fun writing this, and I'd keep writing it even if it only got 10 kudos but we're pushing 400 and I want to cry.  
> Notice the new tag please! It's very very mild but if you're at all concerned go ahead and skip over Saturday <3 In the future if there's something people need to worry about I'll put trigger warnings in the end notes so everyone can stay safe <3  
> Also, I don't use tumblr, but I have one so that I can have all my translated videos of this season in one place. It's supermansplaining.tumblr.com and if you want you can ask me questions or send requests or ideas for this fic or a future one <3 Or just keep talking to me in the comments, I love hearing from you!  
> I really like this chapter, but not as much as the next one :0  
> After chapter 5, updates will slow down a bit! Enjoy!

**Friday**

Even's roommates had delivered on their promises of alcohol.

They walked into the apartment with armfuls of vodka bottles. Even bent down to kiss Isak's cheek before pulling a joint from his hoodie pocket and tucking it behind Isak's ear. “I've known you for a month,” he said in his ear, to be heard above the noise. “Happy anniversary.” Isak smiled up at him. “Thanks,” he answered, not even bothering to roll his eyes.

It was a while before they got to talk on their own again. The apartment was small and packed with people. Some random friends from each of the roommates had come and were smoking and drinking and getting sufficiently intoxicated in preparation for the parties that night. Isak's roommates were planning to go to one at the shared house of Magnus's friend, and Isak knew he would be dragged with them no matter the time. He knew he'd be expected to enjoy himself. Glancing at Even across the room, though, made him think that maybe he could.

The sheer number of people in the apartment made it easy for Isak to go ignored in the corner but hard for him to find Even when he wanted to talk to him again. His freakish height should have been an indication but it wasn't, so Isak just downed some beer, willed himself to have self-control enough to not get wasted at the pre-drink, and fished his phone from his pocket when it started buzzing.

It was a text from one of the guys who wouldn't leave him alone. He used to be more bothered by them than he was now, but his chest still tightened as he read the words and realized he wouldn't be seen as anything but what they said.

_Fucking slut why are you ignoring my fuck you_

_I'll find you at the next party you know you can't avoid me_

He locked his phone immediately after hearing Even's, “Hello,” said in his ear. He shoved the phone into his pocket and made himself smile up at him.

“Hi,” Isak said. “Having fun?”

Even nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, are you?”

Isak shrugged. “Fine. Thanks for the joint. And all the alcohol.” Even was looking at him like he had a question. Maybe he had seen Isak's face when he first approached. Isak spoke before Even could ask him about it. “Are you coming to the party with us?”

“Yeah, of course,” Even said, smiling, nudging him with his shoulder as he leaned back against the wall next to him.

Isak pulled the joint Even had given him from his pocket. “Do you wanna smoke?”

When Even smiled, nodding, Isak took his hand and led him to his bedroom, like Even had done to him.

“Cozy,” Even said when he was in the room. He pointed at one of the beds and raised his eyebrows in question. He only sat down when Isak nodded his permission. It was Jonas's bed, but Isak's was covered in dirty clothes so he didn't correct him. When he found his lighter on the windowsill he cracked the window open and went to sit next to Even.

“You play guitar?” Even asked, taking the joint between his fingers.

Isak glanced up at him in confusion before his gaze landed on Jonas's guitar at the foot of his bed. “Don't you think I'd've mentioned it before now if I played guitar?” Isak said.

“Damn, sassy, sorry. So Jonas is the creative type?” Even asked, running his thumb over the guitar strings. He looked up at Isak. “Maybe I made the wrong choice. Wrong roommate. You know, chasing the science nerd instead of the music guy.”

“You want _two_ pretentious dorks in your relationship?” Isak asked, taking the joint. “You don't get sick enough of yourself?”

Even scoffed. “I'm not the dork between the two of us. You're the dual biochem major, here. I make art for the masses. I'm a romantic. I get to make people _feel_ things.”

_Do you even feel anything?_

“That's the dorkiest thing you've ever said,” Isak replied, shaking the queasiness from his gut at remembering the words of the scorned one-night stand. They hadn't hurt at the time, but they were creeping up on him now. _Don't you care about anyone but yourself?_ “You just proved my point.” Isak put the joint between Even's lips and Even caught his hand when he tried to pull back. Isak let him keep it. It was nice. “Are you still drawing me?”

“Yeah,” Even said. “Yeah, I'm turning it into a series. A museum's already shown interest. Want to know what it's called?”

“Sure,” Isak said, taking a pull from the joint.

“ _The Boy Who Strung Me Along._ It'll be in a maze throughout the museum that people have to follow so they can feel my pain.”

Isak shoved him with one hand, and Even rocked back with it, smiling. Isak said, “Sounds shitty,” as his eyes tracked the way Even's lips moved around the joint. “You know, I don't let all the boys do this.” He held up their interlocked fingers and nodded around the room. “You're the first guy who's been in this bedroom.”

“You don't take your sexual conquests here?” Even asked, handing him the joint back.

“No. Then they want to stay.”

“You don't care if I stay?”

Isak shook his head but pulled his hand back. Too real, in this moment. “I don't care if you stay.”

They smoked the entire joint, until they were lying side by side on Jonas's bed, their shoulders touching. Even's fingers felt for Isak's until they were intertwined again, hesitantly, and Isak turned his head to him and smiled when Even was facing him. Isak didn't pull back.

“Isak?” he asked, after a while. Isak made a noise to tell him he was listening, staring at the ceiling with his thumb stroking Even's hand absently, and Even continued after a long pause. “You know I'm not just fucking with you, right?”

Isak rolled his neck to face him again. Even wasn't looking. He had his tongue in his cheek and appeared deep in thought, eyes red and bloodshot, hair falling over his forehead. Fucking beautiful. “I know,” Isak said.

“I like talking to you,” Even said. Isak smiled. If he never left this moment, that'd be okay.

“I like talking to you, too,” Isak answered. They were so stoned.

“So I shouldn't give up? You really don't want me to stop? If you really want me to stop, I will.”

“I know you will.” Isak turned onto his side and put his head on Even's chest. Even moved his arm from beneath his head to wrap it around Isak's shoulders, pulling him tight into his side. “I don't want you to stop. I just need you to be patient.” Isak picked at the zipper on Even's hoodie, sliding it up and down over the tracks. “I don't want to fuck this up.”

Even kissed the top of his head after a moment of thoughtfulness. “You won't.”

Isak smiled into his collarbone. “Thank you.” And it wasn't just a thank you for the sentiment, it was a thank you for everything. But he thought Even got that. He must have understood. Because when Isak woke up from dozing, Even was still there, even though everyone else had left.

  
**Saturday**

Why Isak kept letting his friends drag him to bars and parties was beyond him. But having Even hanging around made it a little better.

They were at a crowded club that Isak had hated before he'd gotten as drunk as possible. His roommates and Even's had disappeared onto a claustrophobic dance floor with pulsing lights, and Even and Isak had found seats at the bar among a dozen other drunk undergrads.

“One more drink?” Even asked, and Isak laughed in a way that may have been embarrassing if it wasn't Even and he wasn't smiling fondly.

“Trying to get me drunk?” Isak asked, hiccuping a little and then laughing at himself.

“Oh, baby, I think you're long past that point. One more beer and then we'll stop, yeah?” The bartender was at the other end of the bar, so Even stood up. “I'll be right back,” he said, standing up and leaning in to be heard against the noise. “Save my seat. Don't drink my beer.”

Isak caught Even's face between his hands and kissed his cheek before he left, making Even actually blush for possibly the second time ever as he walked away.

Isak turned back to the bar, putting his jacket on the barstool beside him, and smiled at the girl sitting next to him, distracted by the alcohol in his mind. “You're boyfriend's cute,” she called to him, and Isak didn't argue any point of it, just let himself smile and nod at her.

“Hey,” someone said, moving Isak's jacket back onto his lap, and Isak went to turn his dopey smile back on Even, but it wasn't Even sitting beside him. It was some dark-haired, stocky guy who had a hand on Isak's thigh.

“Um, that seat was taken,” Isak called to him over the noise, choosing to believe that he wasn't rude, but just overly confident.

“By that tall guy you were with?” the guy asked, and Isak nodded, smiling a little. Fuck. He smiled now even when Even was mentioned in the vaguest description possible. “I'm good company, too,” the guy offered.

“No, thanks,” Isak said. The guy's hand was still on his thigh, and he had just noticed it and eased it off. “I'm kind of waiting for someone. The tall guy.”

He put his hand back on Isak, and Isak pushed him off and said, “Stop,” but he didn't, just scoffed and said, “I've heard about you. A friend of mine fucked you last semester, said you were a slut. Don't try to act like you're not.”

“Fuck you,” Isak said, feeling his stomach drop. No matter what he did, people would always look at him the same way.

“I will.”

Isak pushed him so hard he was shoved off the barstool, and Isak took the opportunity to stand up and walk away. When he felt a hand on his wrist, he turned around ready to shove again, but was faced with Even saying, “Whoa, you okay?”

Isak took his hand, pulling him towards the exit. “Can we go? I have money, we can go get food.”

“And ditch our friends?” Even asked, glancing behind him at the bar as Isak dragged him into the outdoors.

“Fuck our friends,” Isak said.

Even laughed and said, “Okay, baby, let's go get some food. Let you have a good night before the hell that tomorrow morning will be.”

In the cold, Isak pressed against his side, swaying on his feet. “I like you,” he murmured.

“Oh, baby. I know. I like you, too.”

  
**Sunday**

“We should go on a date.”

Isak looked up from the notes he'd been taking, narrowing his eyes at Even from behind the bookstore counter. They hadn't said a word to each other in over an hour, each caught up in their own activities. He was so hungover. “What are you talking about?” he asked.

“Was that confusing, Isak, really? What about that sentence fucked you up?” Even asked. Isak smiled even while trying to look offended.

Even was laying on his back on the floor, holding a paperback above his head, only now it was laid face-down and open on his chest and he was looking at Isak.

“I don't date,” Isak said, shaking his head and glancing away from him. “You know that.”

“That's right,” he said, as if he'd forgotten. Isak made a face at him and repeated in a mocking tone, “Oh, right.” Even sat up and pushed back against a shelf to look at Isak more directly. “It doesn't have to be a date, then.” Isak raised his eyebrows at him, and he continued, “It can just be a movie we go to, as friends.”

Isak considered this. “As friends?” he confirmed, giving Even a meaningful look.

“As friends who might kiss a little in the back of the theater,” Even amended. Isak laughed, and Even smiled, watching him. “You're cute.”

“Stop saying things like that,” Isak said.

“Sorry,” Even said, not looking nor sounding at all sorry. “It's hard for me not to. Why don't you like compliments? Is it just me, or do you hate it from everyone?”

“I don't... like it when people pretend to like me,” Isak said. They touched him, pretended they cared, to get him into bed. He didn't need that; he was expecting them to leave, they didn't need to act like they wouldn't.

“Oh, you don't have to worry about that. Because you _know_ I like you. You know we're gonna date and get married and have babies and a dog.”

Isak scoffed, smiling. “You've known me for a month.”

“People get married in less time than that,” Even said. Before Isak could reply that that was hardly a reference to go by, Even said, “Why do you think you don't deserve anything?”

Isak's smile fell from his face and he looked away from Even. Even's voice came quietly when he said, “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.”

Isak shook his head. “It's not you.” He glanced up at Even and shrugged before looking back down. “I'm fucked up. And I'm not... ready for this. But....” He managed to make eye contact when he said, “Don't give up on me yet, okay?”

Even smiled. “I won't.”

  
**Monday**

Isak had been standing at the tram stop for about ten minutes before he realized that he would freeze to death if he didn't get home soon. It was midnight at the library and he was starting to think that he may of missed the last bus.

He could walk back to his apartment. It would really only take twenty minutes, and there probably weren't many murderers lurking for blond college boys, so he could survive twenty minutes if he was walking. But he didn't want to walk, was the issue, and the solution was to call Even.

The phone number exchange had occurred while drunk and Isak had very little memory of it other than taking Even's phone and getting frustrated when it wouldn't unlock to his thumbprint. But now Even had his phone number, and Isak had his, and it _was_ more intimate, as Isak had originally feared, but Isak liked it that way. Liked having the name _Even_ saved in his contacts.

“Hi, baby,” Even said after the third ring. “How are you?”

“I'm alright. I'm, uh, stranded at the bus stop by the library. It's really cold.”

“Is there something you're asking for, Isak?” Even said, and Isak heard his smile.

“Don't laugh at me, asshole, this is your chance to be my knight in shining armor. Come rescue me. Please, Even.” He whined the last two words, and Even laughed on the other line.

“What are you doing in the library at midnight, Isak?”

He sounded so whiny and petulant when he said, “It's hard to study in my flat with three other assholes in there, Even, just come get me. Just... come get me, Even. Even, please.”

Even was getting too much pleasure from this. “I'll come get you, princess. Five minutes.”

“My hero,” said Isak, only a hint of sarcasm, a higher fraction of genuine fondness. “I'll see you soon. Thank you.”

“Anything for my future husband.”

“Funny.”

Isak sat down on the bench after hanging up, only for a second, because the cold got so intense that he had to move his limbs to feel warmth. Even found him while he was walking circles around the bus shelter, hands tucked into his pocket and face buried in the scarf around his neck. Isak looked up at the sound of a car approaching, and sighed out a huff of frosted air when he recognized Even through the glare of the headlights. He launched himself into the passenger seat and held his fingers to his lips, blowing warm breath on them. “Hi,” he said to Even.

“Oh my God. This is the cutest thing I've ever seen,” Even answered.

Isak sighed, smiling. He wasn't so good at the whole exasperation thing when he was around Even. It turned into something unbearably fond and mushy. “What now?”

“Your red little nose and your beanie and your scarf. God. Adorable.” Even turned up the heat on the dashboard and Isak pushed his fingers towards the vents.

“I'm not cute.”

“What are you, then?”

“Sexy.”

“Agreed.”

“And... charismatic.”

“Debatable.”

Isak laughed. “Fuck you.”

“Want me to drop you off at home?”

“Yeah, where else?”

“Maybe I'm the kind of stalker that makes you trust him and then kidnaps you and locks you in a basement,” Even said, turning a corner. It would take about four minutes to get to his apartment and Isak wished for a little more time.

“Is that what you're doing?”

“You won't know for sure until we get there, will you?”

“And what would I do all day, locked in your basement, Even?”

Even raised his brows suggestively as he drove and Isak hit him a bit harder than he had intended and then leaned over him saying, “I'm sorry, Even, shit,” as he laughed.

“I'm glad you find my pain amusing. God, I do everything for you, and I get abuse in return.”

“You're the one trying to lock me in your basement! I should practice defending myself from you, tall people are good at kidnapping.”

“What's the logic behind that?” Even asked. He pulled into Isak's parking lot. Isak made no move to get out of the car. Not then and not for the next hour, even when he had a nine am class coming up.

They sat in Even's car outside Isak's building for a long time, teasing with the heat turned on and the radio playing R&B with the volume low. Even helped him study, a little bit, taking his flash cards and asking him questions after making fun of him for having flash cards. Even told him he'd do just fine seven cards in and they started talking about other things. Everything. And soon, another hour had passed and Isak's eyes were falling shut and he _still_ had a nine o'clock class in the morning but he was willing to ignore that knowledge, except Even noticed and told him that they should get going.

Even walked him to the door. Isak lingered there, too.

“Guess I better go, baby,” Even said.

Isak couldn't help the desire to invite him in. To stay up with him until the sun rose again and fall asleep with him in his bed. But Even just kissed his cheek and left with a smile, tucking his hands in his pockets, and Isak stood looking after him for an embarrassing amount of time.

  
**Tuesday**

His phone had been buzzing constantly through the last nine questions on his chemistry exam and when he turned it in and left class he had a chance to answer it in the hallway.

_Fuck._

“Hello?” he said, voice already dripping with panic. “Oh, fuck. Fuck. Is she—did something happen?”

“She's okay, for now,” the woman on the other line said. “But she's been refusing to eat for two days. She's throwing fits. We called your father but he can't make it.”

_Can't make it. Fucking asshole._

“I'll be there soon. Yeah, fuck, I just need to find the, the, uh train schedule out there.” His hands shook as he ran them through his hair. “Tell her I'm coming? Yeah? Please?”

She wasn't getting better. She would never be better.

It was two hours until he could finally break through the doors of the hospital and rush the waiting room counter and the shocked-looking college intern behind it.

“Yeah?” she said, forgoing all formalities as Isak had with his entrance.

“They called about my mom? Marianne Valtersen.” He was breathing hard, hands braced against the counter. He looked like he had just outrun a knife-wielding madman.

“Yeah, have a seat,” she said. She was treating him like he was a knife-wielding madman, like he would snap and punch her if she told him the wrong thing.

So as not to continue on that image of himself, he sat down in the plastic-backed chair and waited, leaning forward and tapping his foot. When a nurse called from the doorway he shot up to follow him. He was shaking, twitching. This had been much of his childhood, taking care of his mom, but she'd never refused to eat for two days before.

She was laying catatonic on her bed, on her side, staring at the wall. There were a few attendings there, dressed in the same white as the tile floors, and Isak pushed past them without a word.

“Mamma?”

She had never been like that before. She had never been unresponsive, not to Isak. She would never willingly, knowingly ignore him, either.

“What's happened?” he asked, turning to face the two physicians. They stopped whispering to each other and looked up at him like they'd been caught cheating. Isak felt frustrated tears on his lashes and willed them not to fall. He didn't cry. He wouldn't.

“She was violent,” one of the men said. “Yesterday morning during breakfast, she was arguing with another patient, and we had to sedate her. We had to again this afternoon.”

“You had to sedate her?” Isak repeated. “You _had_ to, there was nothing else you could do? You couldn't get control of a ninety pound woman, so you had to sedate her?” His tone quickly moved from accusatory to furious. “Why the fuck did you have to sedate her? I argue with people all the time, I don't get sedated for it! Millions of people every day get violent, and then they ride it out, and then they come down from it and they're fine, all without sedation! How come every _fucking_ time I come here, my mom's drugged up so high she can barely function? What the fuck are we paying you for? It sure as hell isn't to bring her down so low she can't possibly fucking have feelings!”

He was yelling. He hadn't meant to yell. He also couldn't seem to stop.

“You don't get to give her whatever pills you want just so she doesn't cause problems! It's your fucking job to deal with her problems not just pretend they're not there!”

The attendings didn't say anything. They just stood in front of him looking like he was making no sense. Like _he_ needed to be sedated. He told them to get out and he laid next to his mother on her bed. She didn't turn to face him, and he didn't try to make her.

He fell asleep with her for a while; a half, dazed sleep. He shot to attention each time she so much as shifted on the bed. “Mamma?” he said, when she had been moving around a bit more. He'd been there for hours. It was starting to get dark, and he'd gotten the call from the nurses at the end of his nine o'clock class. Whatever sedative she'd been given was wearing off enough for her to look at him. He tried a smile and sat up and helped her up beside him. “Do you think you can try to eat something? Even if it's little? Even if it's only half a sandwich?”

She just shook her head, looking at her hands. Isak followed her gaze and saw her scratching at the skin of her wrist with her fingernail, leaving red marks that would turn to blood in a moment. He took her hands in his own but she said, “It doesn't hurt. It doesn't feel like anything.”

  
**Wednesday**

**Sanasol**

Sanasol: _Any developments with the man of your dreams?_

 

Isak: _Please never call him that again_

 

Sanasol: _Touchy_

 

Isak: _How about we talk about your love life for once_

 

Sanasol: _Not much to talk about. I'm in a committed relationship bitch._

 

Isak: _That doesn't sound fun_

 

Sanasol: _Just because you like tasting an assortment of dick doesn't mean we all do_

 

Isak: _Mean_

 

Sanasol: _But seriously_

_Is he still chasing you?_

 

Isak: _He is._

 

Sanasol: _And?_

 

Isak: _And I guess I don't hate it_

 

Sanasol: _What a fucking softie._

 

Isak: _Sana don't ask if you're not gonna offer to help :(((_

 

Sanasol: _You never want to accept my help_

 

Isak: _That's not the point you should at least still offer it_

 

Sanasol: _Don't be a child Isak._

 

Isak: _:(((((((_

 

Sanasol: _Fine. My advice is to let him sweep you off your feet._

_He seems like he would be good to you_

 

Isak: _How would you know?_

 

Sanasol: _Your friends aren't exactly secretive_

 

Isak: _So I should date him?_

 

Sanasol: _If you want_

 

Isak: _Maybe I should just sleep with him to get it out of my system?_

 

Sanasol: _I'm gonna say that's a bad idea_

_Don't make this more difficult than it has to be Isak_

_You always complicate things when you sleep when someone._

_And I'm not talking about the general public I'm talking about you specifically_

 

Isak: _Mean!!_

 

**Kollektivet**

Eskild: _I miss you Issy baby_

 

Noora: _I'm so glad you moved, Isak_

 

Isak: _Really feeling the love, Noora, thanks_

 

Noora: _Don't be a baby_

_Eva told me to pray for your love life. Any news?_

 

Isak: _Tell Eva to fuck off_

 

Noora: _Eskild told me, too_

 

Isak: _You fuck off, too, Eskild_

 

Eskild: _I can't not be involved in your life baby son_

 

Isak: _Why not_

 

Linn: _Do you have to do this in the group chat?_

 

**Eskild Tryggvasson**

Eskild: _This is to placate Linn you're not off the hook_

 

Isak: _There's nothing to tell, Eskild_

_I'm not sleeping with him_

_I'm not dating him_

_Idk what'll happen in the future but rn we're just being happy and shit_

 

Eskild: _Do you need any tips?_

 

Isak: _Not ever_

 

Eskild: _I just love you so much I want you to be happy_

 

Isak: _I know guru. I'm trying really hard not to mess this up._

 

Eskild: _Is he hot_

 

Isak: _Why_

 

Eskild: _Because I want to know_

 

Isak: _Yes_

 

Eskild: _Send me a pic_

 

Isak: _No find one yourself_

 

Eskild: _I've tried! Eva only knows his first name_

 

Isak: _That's a shame_

_Bye Eskild_

 

Eskild: _Love you peaches <3 Be a good boy_

 

Isak: _Jesus Christ_

  
**Thursday**

Isak was getting great at being with Even without necessarily needing to interact with him, but that was only for a few hours at a time. After three hours in silence with him, Isak needed to touch him or talk to him or something.

Even was laying on his stomach on the floor to sketch out the outline of some acrylic painting he was doing for class, and Isak had been on the couch reading from his chemistry textbook. And it'd been a solid few hours without interruptions, and Isak was tired of chemistry and unhappy with the fact that Even was ignoring him.

He stood up from the couch, joints cracking from disuse, and laid down next to Even, propping his chin on his palms. “Hi,” he said.

“Hey, baby,” Even said absently, drawing a long line. It was a face. It wasn't Isak's face. It was some girl's face.

“Who's that?” he asked, trying with all his might to sound nonchalant.

“Jealous?” Even smiled up at him, finally tearing his eyes from the girl.

“Depends on who she is.”

“It's my ex.”

“Then yes.”

Even laughed. “Don't be. Things didn't end too well on that front. This is just for a project for class.”

“What kind of project?” Isak asked, hating how petulant his voice came out. The same sentence could also have been, “Why couldn't you have used me?” and, “Why do you remember what she looks like so well?” without changing the tone at all.

“Relax, baby, you're the only one for me.” Even was sounding far too amused by this travesty of nature. “The project's a series of things from our past. Okay? She's in my past. You're my future.”

“Don't be cheesy,” Isak said, despite his smile. He would never stop smiling around Even, he was sure of it.

“Why not? What else would I be? I'm the cheesiest fucker alive, all for you.”

“Did you win your _ex_ over the same way you're trying to win me?” Isak asked.

“First of all, I'm not _trying_ to win you, at this point you're mine.” Isak rolled his eyes at that but didn't deny it. He had told himself he would try not to lie to Even, if he could. “Second,” Even continued, holding up another finger, “I met Sonja when I was fifteen, it was hardly the age for grand romanticism.”

“I was totally romantic at fifteen,” Isak said. “Got my first girlfriend when I was fifteen.”

Even snorted. “How was that?”

“Don't laugh at me! I was scared of anyone finding out I was gay!” Isak dropped his head to his forearms, resting on the carpet. “You're a dick.”

“I'm sorry, baby,” Even pouted, blanketing Isak's back with his own body, resting his chin on Isak's shoulder. “Tell me about this. Let me be your therapist.”

“You're just trying to get me to open up about my past, asshole,” Isak said.

“Yeah, maybe. Maybe I just want to hear about cute little baby Isak, and his adorable beard.”

“Fuck off!” Isak said, pushing Even off of him and rolling onto his side to sit up. Even followed his move, facing him cross-legged on the living room floor. “I didn't know she was a beard at the time. I thought I just didn't have a thing for blonde girls.”

“So, like, most of Norway.”

“I hate you.”

Even started laughing, then crawled over to Isak and put his arm around Isak's shoulder. “No, baby, tell me about your problems. I'm sorry. I'll stop being mean to you.” And though Even seemed anything but sincere, Isak decided to tell him. This was his plan. Slowly open up so as not to scare away. The plan had to go into action at some point.

“I didn't even entertain the idea that I was gay until I was sixteen. When I moved out,” Isak said, leaning his head on Even's shoulder. A heavier atmosphere had descended on the room and Even curled his arm around Isak's waist, tilting his cheek against the top of Isak's head. Isak was looking at his hands in his lap. “And then it wasn't really, like, a thing I slowly realized and came to terms with? It was just something I dove into all the way. Like, immediately. Didn't give myself any time to process it.”

Even made a noise to show that he was listening. He rubbed his palm down Isak's back. Isak turned his face farther into Even's neck and breathed him in.

“I still pretended to be straight in school and stuff. Everything in my head was so messed up. I would have sex with girls at parties, and then the next day I'd get totally drunk and fuck some old man. Not... _old_ , but... you know.”

He heard that Even was smiling as he said, “Sure.”

“And then my dad came back into my life, and fucked it up a little more.” This was when he returned and demanded that Isak move out of the collective and back in with him. Isak rebelled just a little more at that, even if his father didn't know that. “And my daddy issues spurred on a whole new level of self-destruction.”

“You have daddy issues?” asked Even, cheek still pressed against Isak's hair.

“Everyone alive has daddy issues, Even, men suck.”

Even laughed at that, and pulled his head up so he could look at Isak. “I don't think anything's wrong with you. I think you're perfect.”

Isak smiled. “Of course you do.”

“Mmhm. I do.”

“Because you think I'm cute?” Isak asked, pulling Even's hand into his lap and bending his fingers around.

“No. I mean, yes, I do think you're cute. You know that.”

“I think I'm manly,” Isak interrupted. “And hot.”

“That's also true. But also not the only reasons you're perfect.” Even brushed Isak's hair from his forehead and Isak looked up at him. He had pretty eyes. Isak had, of course, noticed this before, but it kind of seemed like every time was a new revelation.

“What do you mean?” Isak said.

“Well, you're smart, and you're fun. And you make me laugh, and you care about people.”

“Stop,” Isak said, blushing.

“Okay.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Isak's forehead, then lay back on his stomach to finish sketching Sonja. “When I get a project about the rest of my life, I'll be sure to paint you.”

 


	5. Week 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one's really sure if it's a friendship still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God ya'll over 550 kudos 4 chapters in I'm so glad this fic is making people happy!  
> Anyways as promised here is chapter 5, and then there will be a bit of a wait before 6 is ready (I have 2 finals today and moving back home tomorrow) but I will have it up before the end of the weekend I hope!  
> About this chapter, I had a lot of fun writing it. Friday is inspired by this fic I read a long long time ago that I can't find ;__; So if anyone notices any similarities please send me a link or the title or author! I'd love to give credit <3  
> Oh also I proofread this chapter even less than the previous ones so there are bound to be some mistakes sorry!

**Friday**

He was pouting. That's what Mahdi said, sidling up next to him as he leaned against the wall.

Isak scoffed. “I'm not,” he said, tipping his beer bottle to his lips and looking around the room again.

Mahdi was smirking when Isak looked back at him. “Who you looking for, lover boy?”

“Fuck off,” Isak muttered, moving to an empty couch. Mahdi sat on the arm next to him and said, “You should just give in. We all know you want to.”

They were at a party a block away from their apartment, and Jonas was chatting up a red-haired girl and Magnus was striking out with a blonde-haired girl and Isak was moping in the corner because Even had bailed last minute after promising to come if Isak came.

“This is none of your fucking business,” Isak said, trying for malicious as he looked up at Mahdi. His drunkenness dulled down the bite to his words, though, and made Mahdi smile. “Why don't you all leave me alone?”

“He'll be here,” Mahdi said, giving his shoulder a heavy clap as he stood up. “He's as desperate as they come. Even more desperate than Mags. Want to smoke?”

Isak glanced at Mahdi's extended hand, then at the door, and said, “Fuck it,” and followed him. He only took a few drags, enough to get him high, and then he went back inside to pour himself a strong half-cup of vodka and sit on the couch and sulk some more. He wasn't going to text Even. Even was the desperate one, Isak could be patient and wait another half hour.

So he just sat on the couch and got really drunk, because without Even there, there wasn't much else to do; he had no interest in flirting with someone and going home with them, and he tried not to think too much into why that was. His friends were all trying to get laid, attempts that Isak sometimes caught a glimpse of, attempts that made him happy he wasn't straight.

He was extremely drunk when a girl sat next to him, and he looked at her in shock for ten seconds before she said, “Isak, hi, we have statistics together!” To which Isak gaped a little more, and then said, “Oh, right. Hi.”

Her name was Brit and she did not know that he was gay, based on the way she kept moving closer, touching him as she laughed heartily at something not very funny that he'd said. This went on for too long. He was giving short answers, trying to focus on her and figure her out. He was very intoxicated, cross faded, ready for bed. They'd been there for an hour and Isak was bored, but the boys wouldn't be ready to leave and he was pretty sure he would die if he tried to walk home by himself.

The girl was leaning in close, laughing at something she'd said, when Isak heard, “Well what's going on over here,” and turned to see Even sitting down on his other side, swinging an arm around Isak's shoulders.

Isak smiled, face brightening, and only turned to Brit when she said, “Who's this, then, Isak?”

“I'm Even,” he said, reaching in front of Isak to shake her tiny hand. Even's was so big it engulfed hers, and in his drunken state Isak was a little turned on by it. When she murmured, “Brit,” in confusion, probably at the way Isak kept turning his head up to Even and smiling, he answered, “Nice to meet you. How do you two know each other?”

Isak turned at the edge to his voice, and at the look on his face started laughing uncontrollably. Which made Even smile and tighten his hold around Isak's shoulders, tenseness leaving his features. “What?” he asked.

“I can't believe you're jealous right now,” Isak said, tapering off into giggles. When he was wasted it was less embarrassing to be cute. Even was still smiling at him fondly and Isak couldn't tear his eyes away.

“Jealous?” Even asked, as if the thought was foreign. “Me?”

“I'm _gay_ , Even, Jesus Christ!”

That was apparently enough to make Brit huff and stand up. She had a high threshold, considering how Isak hadn't been looking at her for more than a few seconds at a time since Even sat next to him.

“God, finally,” Even muttered, and then turned down to Isak, smiling sweetly again. He reached up with the arm that wasn't around Isak to brush some hair from his eyes. “How's your night been?”

Isak thought for a second, and then the cloud that'd hung over him for the rest of the night returned, thundering and aided by alcohol, and he whined, “Where were you? You said you'd be here.”

“I'm sorry,” Even said, still smiling. He didn't look sorry. If anyone else was smiling at him while he was upset, Isak would get more upset, but when Even did it, Isak just smiled, too. “I had to help out Martin, he was drunk and he wouldn't get out of the bathtub.”

Isak let his head rest on Even's chest, not thinking about all the consequences of this that would arise tomorrow. Vaguely he registered Magnus's voice, and when he glanced up, all his roommates were on the other side of the room watching him. But for some reason it wasn't enough to make Isak pull his head away. Who cared who saw. It wasn't like these feelings were new at all, he was just acting on them in a new way. A way that was making Even smile like he'd never received anything better than Isak's cold nose on his collarbone.

“You doing okay?” he asked, rubbing Isak's back with the arm he had wrapped around his waist.

“Yes,” Isak mumbled into the fabric of his shirt, eyes starting to fall shut. “Even though you ditched me. You're making up for it now, because you're all... warm.”

Even laughed. “I'm warm? Are you cold?”

“Yes,” Isak said, not really registering his question. It was so easy to say yes when Even was asking the question.

“Do you want my jacket?” Even asked. “I'm not cold.”

This time he knew what he was saying when he said yes, and when Even wrapped him up in his hoodie Isak hummed and pulled the hood over his head, curling back into Even's chest and playing with the zipper.

Isak listened to him talk and laugh. Even carded his fingers through Isak's hair and ran them down his back, and pushed the hood over his eyes and wrapped their fingers together, and when Isak tried to kiss him he said, “Not tonight, baby,” and it was okay.

  
**Saturday**

He was a sloppy, clingy drunk. He used to try to deny it, in high school with Jonas and at the apartment with Linn and Eskild and Noora, who were more responsible and wizened to the effects of alcohol on their countenance. But by the second semester of his first year in college it wasn't easy to deny anymore. When his friends kept making him go to bars and parties, and he kept getting drunk every weekend, it wasn't a pattern he could rightly ignore. Especially given the way he was hanging off of Even at a frat house party, by the stairs where it was quieter and the only other people near them were sucking face against the wall.

“You know,” Even said, a steadying arm around Isak's waist as he stumbled in place, “you make me nervous as hell when you're this drunk.”

“I'm not drunk,” Isak said, because the clarity of his situation really only came to him when he was hungover the next day. “Why do I make you nervous? Think I'm gonna throw up on you?”

“You make me worry about everything,” Even said, smiling down at him. “Make me worry about anything you could fall over, anyone who looks at you wrong.”

Isak giggled and said, self-indulgently, “What does that mean? Looks at me wrong?”

“You know,” Even said, and Isak looked up at him innocently like he didn't, just so Even would say it. “The way I look at you.” Isak leaned heavily into his chest, arms folded and pressed between them, palms flat on Even's pectorals. “Or the way those creepy asshole stalkers look at you.”

Isak hiccuped as he giggled again, peering up at Even, pressed flush against his front. “You're a jealous guy. Never thought you'd be a jealous guy.” He was so gorgeous. Isak's drunken brain filed this away as a new thought, one that'd never been thought before. He didn't remember opening his mouth, but he remembered Even's fingers in his hair for the next week.

“Not as gorgeous as you,” Even answered him, smiling down.

“You think you'd still like me if you knew everything about me?” Isak asked, looking down at his fingers twisting in Even's shirt. “Like about how I got fucked a lot by people I don't know, and how my dad cheated on my mom? She tried to kill herself once and dad never went to see her.” When he looked up, Even was looking down with a pained expression.

“Fuck, baby, of course I still like you.”

“But....” Isak furrowed his brow, staring at Even's mouth. His thoughts were going around too fast for his mouth to keep up with. “But I'm not good or pure or anything. I let them fuck me when I was unconscious. I.... They were older, sometimes. A lot older.” Isak looked up at Even and smiled, cupping his cheek with one hand. “You're older, too. I like that you're older, though.”

“Let's not talk about this now, Isak, okay?” Even suggested, and Isak took it as a rebuke and went to pull away, saying, “I knew you wouldn't want me. I knew it.”

“No, baby, it's not that,” Even said, taking him back up against his chest, and even if Isak was upset a second before, he wasn't now. He couldn't be, all wrapped in Even like that. “I just don't want you saying anything to me drunk that you wouldn't say sober. Anything you won't remember tomorrow. Okay? I want you to only tell me what sober you wants to tell me. Drunk you is cute as hell, but he doesn't make good decisions.

“I think I could love you,” Isak slurred, face pressed against Even's chest and words coming out muffled. “If I let myself.” Before Even could say anything, Isak looked up at him and said, “Can I have another drink?”

“I think you've had enough.”

“I'll kiss you if you let me have a beer.”

Even laughed. “No, baby.”

“Can I kiss you anyways?” Isak wound his arms around Even's neck with little coordination and leaned back to look at Even's face. “I want to kiss you so bad, baby.”

Even groaned. “You're fucking killing me, Isak.” He pressed a kiss to Isak's forehead. “Not like this. At least the first time, you should know what you're doing. Your judgment is... terrible right now.”

“It's not terrible!” Isak cried indignantly. “I've wanted to kiss you since I met you. But I didn't. Cause there were too many issues. I was too fucked up.” He cradled his head in the crook of Even's neck. “I didn't want to just fuck you and have you be a one night stand. That's why I won't kiss you. It's not because I don't want to. I want to so bad.”

“I know, handsome,” Even said. “It's okay.”

Isak kissed his cheek and burrowed himself back down in his neck. “Why do you put up with me?” he mumbled almost incoherently. “Why haven't you left me yet?”

“I won't leave you, Isak,” Even said. “I don't know how anyone ever fucking could.”

Isak fell asleep against his chest not long after that, when they'd moved back to sitting on the couches with their friends. He'd had his head on Even's shoulder and his fingers around Even's, shifting them around and making them walk on his thigh. Even was being a good sport. Kept turning his head to kiss the top of Isak's because he knew it made him smile. Anders said, “Fucking whipped,” and Isak wasn't sure if he was talking to him or Even but it was true either way.

“I'm sleepy,” Isak managed to tell Even before he passed out on his shoulder. He woke up for long enough to say he was going to bathroom and instead down three vodka shots in succession, and when he stumbled back all giddy and drunk he collapsed in Even's lap and tucked his head under his chin to their friends' applause.

“What the fuck, baby!” Even said, taking the empty shot glass from his hand. “Where do you keep getting these?”

“I flirted with some guy,” Isak answered. “Don't worry, baby, he's not as cute as you.”

“Well no one is,” Even said in amusement, brushing his fingers through Isak's hair and then pushing him off to the side because Isak was six feet tall and on his lap. When they were parted Even drew Isak into his side with an arm around him, and Isak nestled his way into his neck. It was such a cozy place to be. It smelled like Even and nothing more. “Tired?” Even asked, once their friends had gone back to their stoned conversations.

“I'm tired,” Isak agreed.

“Should we go home?”

“Don't wanna go home.” Isak put his chin on Even's shoulder to look at him. He could really only see the side of his face, he was too close to focus. And too drunk. “Don't want you to go away.”

“Well, I can see you tomorrow.”

“You can sleep in my bed tonight.”

Even laughed. “That's not a good idea. Let's stay here for a while, and then when everyone wants to go we'll go, and I'll see you tomorrow. Okay?”

Isak kissed his cheek, and tried to tip Even's face to his own to kiss his lips. Even dodged it to kiss the corner of his mouth instead, smiling and saying, “Not tonight. Remember, baby? Not tonight.”

Isak swung his legs over Even's lap and nudged his way into Even's chest again. “Hug me back,” he said, pulling at Even's arm until he wrapped them both around Isak. “Do you like me still?”

“I do.”

“I like you, too.”

  
**Sunday**

Any bit of subtlety was gone. When one has tried to kiss someone on many separate drunken occasions, the deniability has disappeared.

So Isak wasn't going to even slightly pretend anymore that he didn't like Even. He hadn't been doing so well before, but he wasn't going to hide anything, now. No more eye rolls when Even appeared at their cafeteria table, no more mean remarks said with a smile. Since Even had gotten ahold of Isak's phone number, they were texting every second. Isak was with him every day. There was no more room for pretending.

They weren't technically anything yet. They weren't even about to have the discussion to become anything. They were just enjoying what they did have, as ill-defined as it really was.

They were in Even's coffee shop today, with all the boys. Isak's roommates, Even's roommates, Nate. Isak and Even had spent about half of Isak's eight hour shift together at the bookstore, finishing homework and hardly speaking, enjoying the silence and the smiles. They'd walked to the coffeeshop together, too, and Isak had watched Even pull on his apron. But his mistake had been to say that he couldn't hang out in the group chat. Because when they found out, they decided to join him. They decided to bring Anders and Martin. And Nate. So now there were a mess of young men who were far too loud for their setting, and Isak was supposed to be polite and talk to them instead of distracting Even from work. What was the fucking point?

“What do you and Even do when you spend all day together?” Jonas was asking. “You can't honestly believe he has fun when he's at your work.”

“I have fun when I'm at his work,” Isak said. Well, not right now, but usually.

“But what do you _do_ ,” Jonas repeated.

“I don't understand what you're asking me,” Isak said. “What do you mean what do we do, we just talk, and chill. We do homework. I don't know. It's pretty normal.” He looked over his shoulder at the counter. Even was serving the last person in the cafe, and it was a to-go cup, so Isak was hoping he'd come and visit the three tables they'd mashed together.

“But you're not dating,” Jonas said.

“No.”

“And you're not fucking.”

“No!”

Jonas just nodded, taking a sip from his coffee, and Isak was about to ask him what that smug fucking face was for but he felt Even's hand on his shoulder and got lost in smiling up him. “Hi,” he said.

“Hey,” Even answered. He dragged a chair beside him and sat down, an arm around Isak's shoulders, and Isak leaned close to him. “What are we talking about?”

“Nothing, how are you?” Isak said, turning to look at him. He always got lost in their little bubble immediately.

“I'm alright. I miss you when I'm alone up there.”

“Don't be cheesy.”

“Baby, have you even met me?”

Isak smiled. He was gone. Completely gone. When they turned back to the boys they were all looking at the two in silence.

“Sorry,” Isak said, moving his chair closer to Even's so he could lean his head against Even's temple. Even was moving his hand up and down Isak's arm, pulled close with an arm around his shoulders. Who gave a fuck if they were being gross. They were supposed to be alone. He had been avoiding the expressions of the boys, so when they resumed talking instead of focusing on Isak and Even, Isak glanced around. And Nate was looking back.

Not kindly. Not at all.

Isak went to ignore it, but the damage was done as soon as they made eye contact.

“Do you have to do that here?” Nate called across the table, and everyone stopped talking.

Isak glanced up at Even, who looked just as confused as Isak, and then said, “What do you mean?”

“Do you have to act like that? Both of you? In public?”

There was a beat of silence before the table erupted with varying forms of, “Man, what the fuck,” but Nate just grabbed his backpack and left without saying anything more, the expression never leaving his face.

Isak had never been shamed for his sexuality before. It was what he had feared, yes, for the years before he came out once and for all at eighteen, but it hadn't happened, yet. His friends were supportive. His parents had bigger things to worry about. Eskild loved it, obviously, and Linn didn't give a fuck about anything. He'd never been with a boyfriend in public, because he'd never had a boyfriend, so if anyone wasn't okay with it, he had never seen it.

So when Nate said that, he felt like he was fifteen and terrified again. Like he should be ashamed. He stood up fast, chair scraping back, and went to the bathroom. His hands were shaking and everything was too loud.

But then Even was there, pulling him against his chest and wrapping him up in those long arms.

“Baby, it's okay,” he was saying, when Isak could finally comprehend again. “Don't listen to him. It doesn't mean shit. I'm so fucking sorry.”

Isak had to wait a minute before he said, “Don't be sorry,” into Even's shirt, arms tight around his waist. “It's not your fault. It doesn't change anything.”

“Are you sure?”

Isak stood back to look at him, cupping his face in his hands and kissing Even's cheek. He could never quite work up the courage to kiss those lips. He was convinced everything would fall apart as soon as he did. “I'm alright. I don't want it to change anything, Even.”

  
**Monday**

“He's sorry,” Jonas said, and Mahdi said, “How can you defend him, man? After what he said?”

Isak was picking fries off his plate and not really participating in the conversation.

“I'm not defending him just for the hell of it,” Jonas said. “He just didn't mean for it to come off the way it did. I'm not saying he was right, but hating him won't do anything.”

“I don't hate him,” Isak said, upon realizing that Jonas had been talking to him.

“He just got dumped by his girlfriend, man, he probably meant why do you have to act like a couple right when he'd been dumped.”

“His girlfriend?” Mahdi said. “You mean that chick he was banging for like a week and a half? That's not an excuse. A real girlfriend wouldn't even be an excuse.”

“I'm not saying it's an excuse! I'm not happy with him, man! I'm just saying if we all got judged immediately for the stupid shit we did no one would have any friends.”

“I don't give a fuck,” Isak said, just to stop the conversation. “He's fine, I'm not mad. It was just shitty to hear that, at the time.” He had just learned to be at all intimate with another person, and someone had told him that it was wrong.

But he didn't care. That wasn't a lie. Even had talked with him for a long time after his shift at work, and it had helped. They'd sat together outside the coffee shop in the freezing cold air all bundled up in jackets, and Even had told him that it would be okay if it did change something, if he needed space. But Isak didn't want space. He didn't want some asshole to ruin this when he had spent so long making sure he wouldn't ruin it himself.

“I really won't be mad at you if you want to be his friend, man,” Isak said. Nate's opinion meant nothing to him. He realized that after his little bathroom breakdown. He'd never liked Nate, why should he give a fuck about him now? Just because Jonas liked Nate didn't mean he agreed with Nate's opinions, or didn't like Isak.

“Are you sure, man? I'll never invite him around. Really, he does have some redeeming qualities.” These being weed and access to parties.

“I really don't care. Even's not happy with him, but I don't really give a shit.”

“Isak!” Mahdi said, and Isak smiled at his outrage.

“Mahdi, it's fine. You don't have to forgive him. But don't hate him for my sake. He doesn't mean shit.”

“Hey, Isak?” Magnus called, exiting the bedroom he shared with Mahdi and seeing them all in the living room. “Oh. Nate texted me to tell you that he's sorry. Want me to say 'fuck you?'”

For all the shit they gave Magnus, he was the real MVP.

“No, Mags, it's fine. Tell him it's fine. As long as he doesn't do it again, you know, and as long as Even doesn't see him for a while, it'll be okay.”

“Ooh, is Even gonna punch him?”

Isak snorted at even imagining Even punching someone. He was so frail, he'd be killed immediately in a fight. “No, Even's definitely 'love not war'. He'd cry if he punched someone.”

“Is he coming over and stealing my bedroom like he's been doing for the last week?” Jonas asked.

“Yes he is,” Isak said, looking up from his phone, his text string with Even open. “It's not like you can't be in there, too. You were Even's friend before I was.”

“Ew, nobody wants to be in a room with you two,” Jonas said, face wrinkling up in disgust.

“Oh my God, we're not fucking, why does everyone think we're fucking?”

“Even if you're not,” Mahdi said, “which you probably are, you're gross when you're together.”

“Good. Maybe it'll keep you from interfering like you always do.” There was a knock on the door and Isak was up out of his seat in an instant. His, “Hi,” to Even was kind of shy and quiet and he knew the boys were listening, no matter how annoying they claimed Isak and Even were.

“Hi, gorgeous, what's going on in here?”

“I don't fucking know, let's go watch a movie.”

  
**Tuesday**

**Even**

Even: _What's on the agenda tonight?_

 

Isak: _I have a test tomorrow_

 

Even: _Don't ditch me baby :(_

 

Isak: _It's one night Even_

 

Even: _Fineeeee_

_Come over tomorrow after your test? You only have the one class right?_

 

Isak: _I have something to do tomorrow until like four but I'll see you after_

 

Even: _What are you doing?_

 

Isak: _Nothing, just family stuff. Wait for me?_

 

Even: _Forever_

 

Isak: _There's no one cheesier than you_

 

Even: <3

 

Isak: _Even wtf is a heart doing on my phone screen._

_We are not gonna be those people_

 

Even: _Oh yes we are_

 

Isak: _I have to study. I'll talk to you tomorrow._

 

Even: _Ok lil Einstein I'll miss you sweet dreams :*_

 

Isak: _You're exhausting_

_ <3_

  
**Wednesday**

Isak was usually drained after visiting his mother. From the journey to the hospital and from dealing with the doctors' shit and from comforting his mom because she thought he was mad at him because she lost weight. It was an emotional heaviness more than anything. Over the past few months he'd been visiting her more and more often and each time he felt more exhausted after it.

It was later than he intended when he got to Even's, but Even didn't seem to mind.

“Are you okay?” he asked, letting Isak into the apartment.

“Just a little tired. Can we do something chill, like watch a movie? Not one of your depressing ones?” Isak pressed his cheek into Even's shoulder as he hugged him around the waist.

“Are you sure you're okay?” Even asked, hugging him back. “You don't have to be.”

Isak smiled. “I'm fine. I just want to chill out a little bit.”

Even kissed his forehead. “I'll order a pizza.”

Isak went into Even's room as Even went to the kitchen with his cell phone to dig takeout menus from their silverware drawer. He shrugged off his backpack and jacket and sat on his bed. He sometimes felt a bit bad about being there all the time, because just like Jonas hated being in their shared bedroom when Even was over, Martin hated being in Even's shared bedroom when Isak was over.

He pulled Even's laptop to him and opened Netflix to look through Even's queue. Only overly dramatic cinematic masterpieces that Isak didn't want to watch.

“Haven't you ever watched something enjoyable?” Isak said when Even came into the room. “Something you just watch for the hell of it, to, like, make you laugh?”

Even fell on the bed next to him and peered at the computer screen. “I enjoy those.”

“We're gonna watch the stupidest movie on here,” Isak decided, shifting the mouse to the search bar. Even put his arm around Isak's shoulder and shifted on the pillows. “You're about to watch _Wet Hot American Summer,_ and you're gonna watch the _whole_ thing.”

When he turned to look at Even's face, he burst into laughter.

“Why would you do that to me?” Even asked, as Isak typed the title into the search bar.

“You'll love it,” Isak said, even though he knew he wouldn't. But he couldn't handle one of Even's heavy, tragic films right now. He'd been with his mom for two hours trying to calm her down. She had fingernail scratches down her arms that had to bandaged with antiseptic, but she claimed she couldn't feel a thing. He had scheduled the visit ahead of time but she was already crying by the time he got there. It made him wonder how often she was upset when no one would help; how often she was there by herself, crying alone, and he didn't even know.

“You've chosen the movie every night for a week,” Isak said. “It's my turn.”

They only watched for ten minutes before it became white noise behind their conversation, and then white noise as Isak slowly fell asleep on Even's chest, before he could eat the pizza Even had ordered.

It was becoming his favorite place in the world, at Even's side.

  
**Thursday**

“Isak!” Jonas yelled, and Isak jumped, startling awake, head lifting from the kitchen table. Jonas sat down with an apple. “Why do you keep falling asleep everywhere?”

“Because I'm tired, why the fuck do you think?” Isak rubbed his eye with the back of his hand and stretched a little.

“Okay, thanks, dumbass. Why are you so tired?”

“I don't know, because I'm taking five classes and my mom's going insane?”

“Don't say insane, Isak, you know she wouldn't like that,” Jonas said, and then took a bite of his apple that sounded far too loud to Isak's aching head.

“It's what happening,” Isak said. “And she's not getting better. And that place isn't helping, it's only making things worse. So, yeah, she's crazy, Jonas. You've always known that.”

“She's not crazy, man,” Jonas said. “She's... sick, if anything.”

“Fine, whatever,” Isak said. “I don't want to talk about this shit anyways, I just want my dad to agree to fucking send her somewhere else, where it'll be better for her.”

“I don't think he'll agree to that.”

“I know. Fuck my dad.”

“Fuck your dad, man.”

They sat in a pretty comfortable silence after that; Jonas ate his apple and Isak tapped his fingers on his open anatomy textbook.

“How are things with you and Even?” Jonas asked after a while.

“Good. I don't know. We're just... chilling.”

“Sure.”

“Man, I would tell you if I was fucking Even, alright?”

“I'm not so sure,” Jonas said. “Because then you'd be admitting we were right, and I feel like keeping your pride is probably higher on your list than telling me the truth.”

“You saw me drunk at those parties, right?” Isak said. “I don't have anymore pride left. Even stole it.”

“Aw. The epitome of love.”

“I'm going to bed.”

 

**Even**

 

Even: _Are you going to that party tomorrow? Jonas invited Anders so we're going._

 

Isak: _I guess._

 

Even: _I'll be there late._

 

Isak: _Ugh Even_

_Then what's the point_

 

Even: _You're so cute baby_

_It'll only be an hour_

 

Isak: _What are you doing?_

 

Even: _Just have plans_

 

Isak: _With who_

 

Even: _Don't be jealous baby they're not as pretty as you are <3_

 

Isak: _I fucking know that no one could be_

 

Even: _Wow what happened to “don't compliment me Even I'm so fragile and scared”_

 

Isak: _He's gone_

_It's me now_

 

Even: _I like this Isak_

_He's hot_

 

Isak: _I'm trying to take a nap Even_

 

Even: _Sorry baby. I'll let you get back to it._

 

Isak: _I'll come over when I wake up_

 

Even: _And I'll be waiting for you <3 <3_

 

Isak: _Ok_

 

Even: _Where's my heart?_

 

Isak: _Even don't make me do this_

 

Even: _:'(_

 

Isak: _< 3_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adding after posting again  
> Sorry for forgetting to add the ableist language tag when i updated the chapter it slipped my mind but it's there now! Also i sense some concern about waiting til sunday (ya'll are fucking awesome) so feel free to ask about my progress anytime! I get the comments in my email or you can send them to my tumblr (it's a really pathetic tumblr i'm sorry about that) and I'll answer!


	6. Week 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak's past comes back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!  
> Finished this earlier than I thought I would and decided to post it now instead of Sunday.  
> This is real heavy right off the bat, and there are trigger warnings in the end notes <3 Stay safe  
> Hasn't been edited or even really read over so any mistakes are mine  
> Talk to me if you want <3 tumblr @supermansplaining or just leave a comment!  
> Thanks for reading!

**Friday**

He was drunk and high and terrified, because he was pressed against the railing of the back porch and a guy whose name he used to know was crowded around him, pushing into his space, against his chest, fingers wrapped around his jaw. Isak had slept with him once, early on in the school year. He'd left bruises on his body and filthy texts on his phone. Threats.

Isak was too confused and incapacitated to push him away, too scared of what would happen. No one was paying them any mind; the porch was empty, everyone was inside in the warmth. He'd gone out to get a gulp of air, waiting for that familiar silhouette to materialize behind him and said, “Baby, you look so good.” But it wasn't Even who came. It was this guy, who just growled Isak's name as if he'd followed him, and then shoved him against the side of the porch, against the corner of the wall and the railing, where no one from the glass door could see them.

“Please let go,” Isak said quietly, voice calm despite his impending panic. _You're hurting me_. His phone was buzzing in his pocket, but he was too afraid to go for it. The guy was pressing against him, bringing his mouth close to Isak's, and Isak turned his head so that his lips were far away from him.

With every other guy it had felt a little too much like cheating. It was why he stopped checking apps and stopped looking back at the men and their hungry gazes. He hadn't even considered dropping to his knees in a bar, not since meeting Even. He felt like he deserved better. And it was Even, he knew it was, even if they were in this limbo that Isak called friendship and Even called love.

“Please stop!” Isak said, a little more forcefully, eyes squeezed shut as the guy's lips pressed against his. “Please!” He wanted to cry. He had never said no before, not really, and now he was and it wasn't _fucking_ stopping, he was just edging closer and Isak could feel the outline of his hard cock against his leg and he couldn't look, he didn't want it to be happening. He hadn't let someone touch him like that in weeks. His phone was still buzzing in his pocket and he was sure it was one of the boys but he just willed them to come out and find him. The guy's hand dug deep into his jaw and he cried out with the pressure of it. He'd have mottled bruises there, if he was ever let go. The other hand was reaching under Isak's layers of clothes, under the final t-shirt, skirting bare skin, and he wasn't saying anything but his eyes were clear, not clouded over with anything, and he knew what he was doing. They always know what they're doing.

The guy leaned close to Isak's ear and Isak shook at his hot breath, and he said the first words since the growl of his name. “You wanted this last time. You wanted it just like this.”

“I don't want it,” Isak said, whispered, trying to curl into the corner to get as far from him as possible. But his hand was against Isak's skin, he had Isak pinned in place. If Isak moved his head at all, the fingers tightened around his face and holy shit it _hurt_. He'd forgotten how much this hurt, but he'd let it happen every weekend, at every party, just for the few minutes he felt worth it, and useful, and at all important.

Now he just wanted Even.

“I'll yell,” Isak said. The guy just shook his head and bit Isak's earlobe to hiss, “No one can hear you.”

He started crying, then. The guy was bigger than him, he was holding him in place and digging short nails into his skin and pressing his lips against his face and closed mouth. He was going to do what he wanted to do, outside a house full of a hundred people, and it was going to happen. Because Isak couldn't do anything, and no one gave a fuck. He felt like he was sixteen again, moving out of his mom's house for the final time. No one asked where he was for weeks.

But then the glass door slid open with the most blissful sound he'd ever heard, and Isak gasped in stilted breaths as the guy let go enough to turn around, his body still blocking Isak from moving, and Isak looked over his shoulder to see who it was with the opportunity to save him, and it was Jonas and Magnus and Mahdi. And when he saw their faces in the dark he collapsed in tears, sinking to the ground, boneless, because he could. Because they wouldn't let him be hurt. Isak had been in high school fist fights with Jonas, but Mahdi was the one who punched the guy first. As his body staggered away from Isak's, Magnus dropped to his side, touching his face, smoothing his hair back, saying, “Fuck, Isak, it's okay.”

Isak leaned into his chest, and he cried—really cried—for the first time in years. He hadn't cried when he left home, hadn't cried after meeting a man twice his age in a bar. He hadn't cried when his mother tried to kill herself, and he hadn't cried all those times that he had wanted to, when he was being fucked nowhere near gentle in bathroom stalls and college dorm rooms. He hadn't cried since his mother had been taken away. But now he did, as Jonas yelled obscenities through teeth so gritted he couldn't be heard, punching the guy who wasn't fighting back anymore. Mahdi was just standing there, frozen; not stopping him, not joining anymore.

“Stop him, Mags,” Isak managed to say, staring wide-eyed at the scene. Magnus looked up, seemingly hesitant to leave his side, his hand in Isak's hair, still. “He's gonna kill him,” Isak said with a broken voice.

Magnus stood with one last glance at Isak and pulled at Jonas until he stilled, soothing him with his arms around him, pulling both of the boys back to crouch before Isak.

“Fuck,” Magnus said. “I should text Even.” He leaned forward to catch Isak's eye; he was staring at the guy as he got up and staggered away, blood on his face so thick he was unidentifiable. “Is that okay, Isak? If I text Even? He's just right inside. He was worried when he couldn't find you. We... we came looking for you.”

Isak nodded. Because he wanted to see Even so bad. He had stopped crying, and now he was just... staring. Shocked. Tears drying on his cheeks. _I can't believe this._

“We have to call the police,” Mahdi said. They all turned to Isak again, and he forced his gaze away from where the guy had been. He was gone, now. He looked at Jonas, and managed to say, “I don't know his name.”

“You don't have to do it,” Jonas said, rubbing his back. “If you don't want to. You don't have to.”

Isak just closed his eyes and felt tears, hot on his cheeks, without recognizing that he'd started crying again.

“Fuck, Issy,” Jonas said, hand on his knee, thumb rubbing circles. “I'm sorry if I scared you. I couldn't... I couldn't stop. I'm so sorry.”

Isak shook his head, eyes still closed. He wanted to say that it was okay, but his voice wasn't working. He was shaking, cold, still scared.

And then he heard Even's voice, deep and broken when he said, “Isak?” Isak opened his eyes and looked up at him, and then he was standing and wrapping his arms around Even's neck. The other guy had left bruises on his hips and jaw, but with Even's arms tight around his waist he felt safe, he didn't feel the pain, only overwhelming exhaustion. “Are you okay?” Even whispered in his ear, rubbing Isak's back. “You're shaking, baby.” He pulled back, a hand on Isak's cheek, and took off his jacket to help Isak into it.

“Let's go home, Isak?” suggested Jonas, touching Isak's shoulder, and Isak turned in Even's arms, Even's hands falling to Isak's waist, and nodded. Jonas wiped his thumbs under the tear tracks beneath Isak's eyes. “It's gonna be okay,” he said. Quietly. _Like I'll break. Maybe I will. Maybe I already have._ “I know it doesn't feel like that now. But it will.”

Isak didn't move or say anything. But he let Even pull him back against himself as they started walking, all of them crowding around him as they pushed through the crowd, and then they were walking down the street, Even supporting his weight, Isak's fingers clutching his shirt, wrapped up in his jacket. Even was whispering in his ear and pressing his lips to Isak's hair, and he could feel Jonas's and Mahdi's and Magnus's hands on him, too, just petting, and touching, and comforting.

And when they finally got back to their apartment, Isak let them all put him in the bedroom, and they left him with Jonas, who helped him out of his shoes and jeans and handed him a pair of sweatpants. Eventually Isak looked up at him, dressed for sleep, eyes rimmed red, and Jonas just pulled him into a hug and said, “I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, man. I love you, you know that? We all do. And we're here for you. I swear.” Jonas pulled back and pushed on Isak's shoulder until he sat on his bed. “Just... sleep a little. Okay? We'll see if you feel better in the morning? Yeah?” He watched Isak watch him. “Do you want me to get Even? I'll sleep in Mags's bed tonight, and you and Even can sleep in here.”

It took Isak a minute to nod, but he did. And Jonas smiled and said, “Okay,” and left him alone for a few seconds, before Even was beside him and the door was opened just a crack, and the room was dark, and Isak was dragging Even into bed with him, curling against his chest, letting Even tug the covers over them both.

“Is this okay?” he was asking uncertainly, bringing a hand to Isak's hair and stroking it. Isak didn't answer, just moved closer to him and shut his eyes, clutching Even's shirt in his fingers. He smelled like mint and cigarette smoke and pot. Isak pressed his nose against Even's collarbones and inhaled. “Alright,” Even murmured, running fingers over his back. “Okay, beautiful, sleep now, and I'll be right here when you wake up. Whenever that is. I swear.”

Isak wanted him to keep talking, but he didn't know how to ask, so Even fell silent.

  
**Saturday**

Isak kept waking during the night, and Even, who was barely dozing beneath him, would wake up, too, and sit up with him and hush him and pull him back down. They slept a lot of ways that night, but they were always touching, wrapped up together in Isak's bed.

When he woke in the morning Even was already away beside him, and he smiled down at Isak, Isak's head on his chest, Even's arm around his shoulders. “Good morning,” he said quietly.

“I'm sorry,” Isak said in reply.

Even's brows furrowed. “Sorry for what?”

Isak shrugged, looking away from Even's face. He started to pull his hand off Even's chest but Even grabbed it and wrapped their fingers together. He touched Isak's chin but when Isak didn't look up, Even didn't force it. Isak felt a dull pain on his jawline, and an ache in his hips. “There's nothing to be sorry for, baby,” Even said. “You didn't do anything wrong.”

Isak took a shaking breath, keeping his eyes on their joined hands. “You don't want this. I told you. I told you that you don't want this.”

“What are you talking about?” Even asked gently, winding strand of Isak's hair around his fingers.

“This is how I am,” Isak said. He didn't know why he was trying to push him away. Maybe because if he pushed, Even would leave because he was forced, instead of by choice. He'd leave because I made him. “I'm fucked up, and I let people do that to me. I let people do whatever they want to me. You don't want that.”

“I want you,” Even said. “I've told you from the start that I want you.”

“You can't want this!” Isak almost yelled, sitting up. Even stared at him in shock, then slowly pushed himself up. Isak felt tears coming back to his eyes. “Jesus, Even, how could you? How could you _ever_ want this? I won't hate you if you admit you made a mistake choosing me! Just don't fucking lie to me!”

There was a long, long moment of silence. Isak's heart was beating so fast he was scared of its pace. He was waiting for Even to stand up and leave.

When he didn't, Isak said, in a whisper, looking down at his hands twisting into the comforter, “I just don't want you to be here and be... sad.”

Even simply answered, “I'm not sad.” Instead of hardening his voice, raising his tone, calling Isak out on his bullshit with the same misplaced fear and anger that Isak had, Even spoke calmly. Like he always did. “You don't get to dictate how I feel, Isak. You're acting like you... tricked me. You're the same person that you were yesterday, or a month ago, or when we first met. You have the same baggage now that you did then. Nothing's changed, Isak. Baby, I want... all of you. Even this.”

Isak shook his head, looking down at his bed again, and when Even reached out to him he pushed his hands away. He was just trying to keep his breathing under control and his cheeks dry. He wanted to tell Even to just fucking go. Leave. He'd rather he do it now than when he finally lets himself fall. He was so fucking tired. Of everything. He was even tired of this game they had, Even's game. He wanted to be able to kick himself into drive, stop being so scared, make himself tell him. _Of course I want to be with you. I've never wanted anything so bad._

Like he knew what he was thinking, like he was in Isak's head, Even said, “Do you want me to go?” And it was more than just leave the room. He was asking if Isak wanted him to stop chasing, wanted him to leave. He was asking if Isak was giving up.

Isak looked up and shook his head and cupped Even's face in one hand. And then he kissed him, and instead of saying all the things he wanted to say, all the things he should have said, he whispered, “I still need more time.” It was better than the pressing, _Please, God, don't fucking hurt me,_ that was begging release.

Even smiled and kissed him again, short and chaste, and Isak knew that it would be the last one for a while. “Baby there's never been any rush.”

As Isak shook against him, terrified and bare, sick from what had happened and remembering every awful night that had come before, Even pulled him down to lay against him and whispered, “I know.” Even had said a lot of things, but none of them were promises. He wouldn't wait forever. “I know.”

  
**Sunday**

Isak could hear them talking outside his door. Even had spent the night again, and he'd slipped out from beneath Isak at the end of Isak's third nap of the day, thinking he was still asleep. Jonas had been staying in Mahdi and Magnus's room, but Isak couldn't even bring himself to feel bad.

They were all talking in low voices in the living room, and since no one would close his door when they left the room, he could hear everything.

Even was speaking. “I don't even know if he still wants me here, because he won't talk to me, and that scares me.”

It was true. Isak hadn't talked to Even or anyone all day. It wasn't anything new, he'd felt the same shitty way yesterday. Today, though, when he woke up for the first time, he just decided he didn't have the energy to speak. He didn't want to talk, he was too tired to talk, he felt terrible and scared and battered. So he didn't. He'd shrug if someone asked him something. Noncommittal. Saying no meant people would ask more questions, but he didn't want to say yes, either. _Do you want something to eat, Isak? Do you want to go out to the living room and hang out with everyone? Wanna watch a movie, or listen to some music?_ Jesus, stop asking questions. What he wanted was what he was doing. Laying in bed and sleeping all day.

“He wants you here,” Jonas said. “You can keep asking, and he'll keep saying maybe because he doesn't want to inconvenience you. He wants you to stay, but only if you want to stay. He's always been that way.” Insecure. “Selfless.”

“I just... I don't know what to do,” Even sighed. Isak could picture him running a hand through his hair. He did that. “Nothing is helping. Nothing seems right.”

“It's helping, man,” Mahdi said. “Really.”

“All you can do is be there for him, dude,” Magnus added. “It's all any of us can do.”

“I don't want to be a burden,” Even said. God, like he ever could be. He was keeping Isak afloat, and he was a few words away from sinking.

“You won't be,” Jonas said. “I've known Isak since we were kids. He doesn't ask for help. And he's been through... shit. And he'll tell you about it when he's ready, so just... keep giving him time to. He's just scared. Of feeling anything.”

“I wouldn't leave him.”

“I know. We all know. And Isak knows, too, but people have said that before and they just... they have. They've left.” There was a sigh that Isak recognized from the eight long years he'd been friends with Jonas. “And I know, that as much as you want to say you're not gonna leave.... You want to promise. But... but you can't promise, Even. No one knows what's gonna happen. Don't guarantee him anything except that you'll try.”

Isak was crying again. What had happened to him had hurt all of them, and Isak felt guilty, and violated, and touched beyond belief that they still cared.

Even came into the bedroom and saw him awake, sliding the door closed a bit. “Hey, what's wrong?” he asked. “Did you hear something? Did we say something wrong?” He sat next to Isak. “I'm sorry. We thought you were asleep. We shouldn't have been talking without you, I know, but you didn't want to come out, and we... we had to talk about it, sometime. We're just worried.” He was running his hands through Isak's hair. “Are you okay? Are you upset?”

Isak shook his head. He didn't know at what, but he realized he wasn't okay and he wasn't upset, so it didn't end up mattering.

“Can I lay down?”

Isak nodded.

  
**Monday**

**Eskild Tryggvasson**

 

Eskild: _Hi bby I miss you_

 

Eskild: _Isak?_

 

Eskild: _Isaaaaak_

 

Eskild: _Baby gay where are you it's been 4 hours I know you don't have a 4 hr class_

 

Eskild: _Isak please text me back I'm worried._

 

Eskild: _I texted Jonas but all he said is ur safe and to talk to you_

_I'll be patient with you just know I'm here and I love you_

 

Isak: _Everything got fucked up again_

 

Eskild: _Tell me what's wrong_

 

Isak: _No one sees me as anything but a slut_

 

Eskild: _Issy that's not true_

_You have a whole squad of people that love u unconditionally_

 

Isak: _People won't leave me alone_

 

Eskild: _Did someone try something?_

 

Isak: _He would've taken whatever he wanted if the boys didn't show up_

 

Eskild: _Oh Isak I'm sorry_

_Don't let this break you bby_

 

Isak: _I've been broken this whole time_

_I can't believe I thought I could be better_

 

Eskild: _Isak stop! Please hear me out_

_So many people love you Issy_

_Don't let some asshole take that away from you_

_Don't let this ruin you_

_You've been working so hard_

 

Isak: _I'm so tired_

 

Eskild: _I know Isak but giving up won't make you feel better_

_Not at all_

_Especially not in the long run_

 

Isak: _It would feel better now_

_Anything would_

 

Eskild: _You're scaring me Issy please_

 

Isak: _I'm with Even_

_He'd never let me hurt myself._

 

Eskild: _Good. That's good._

_Just talk to someone bby. Talk to whoever you want, but you have to talk._

 

Isak: _I need to sleep_

 

Eskild: _Okay baby jesus. Get some rest._

 

Isak: _Love you guru_

 

Eskild: _I love you too_

  
**Tuesday**

He found himself crying again at night. And Even wasn't there, and Jonas was in the living room, so he was alone in the bed and alone in his thoughts.

He had said no, that first time. The first time he ever had sex, he'd said no, and it'd happened anyways. And for years since, he'd pretended it hadn't. Pretended that he'd wanted it, because he must have shown desperation or desire or _something_ for it to happen. He had to be at fault.

“Even?” he said into the phone, voice wet and shaking.

“Baby. What's wrong?”

“I thought it'd change when we met,” Isak said. He was lying on his side, staring at the walls of darkness surrounding him. Tears were wetting his pillow case, but nothing mattered more than hearing Even's voice. “I thought I'd be better.”

“What do you mean?”

“The way people treated me before. When I was a kid. And before I met you. I thought that being loved by you would change that. Change what happened into something that didn't matter anymore.”

“Isak, baby, I don't understand. Why are you crying?”

“I didn't want to sleep with him. The first guy.” He had been drunk and young and heartbroken; abandoned by his father with his mother stolen away. He had gone to a bar, too young to be served, late enough that his age didn't matter. But when the night became blurred and hazy he didn't go home. There was nothing waiting for him there. At least here, he was able to feel something.

“He just took me into the bathroom. I didn't fight or anything. I mean... I didn't know what was going on. I didn't do anything. I just... stood there.”

Even wasn't saying anything. Isak didn't notice, too caught up in memories he suddenly couldn't shake.

“It hurt. I mean, obviously. It hurt a lot. And after, when he was done, he just left. Didn't say anything to me.”

“Baby...”

“I could barely stand up. But I was living alone, it was before I lived with Eskild. So I just had to go home.”

“Baby breathe. You're not breathing, Isak, you have to breathe.”

He realized then that he was hyperventilating. There wasn't enough air in his lungs. His chest was heavy, crushing. “Even....”

“It's alright, Isak. Just listen to me, okay? It's alright.”

“I thought it'd be different,” Isak said, tears still coming and chest constricted. “I wanted it to be different.”

“I'm on my way to your place, baby, right now. But I need you to know that even though terrible things happened to you, it doesn't change anything. Doesn't change how I feel, Isak, not at all. So many people love you, baby. I know it doesn't fix anything. I know that. But you have people to support you and love you and help you through it.”

He was crying so hard his head was spinning. He could barely breathe. “I need you, Even.”

“I know, baby, I'm coming. I'll be right there.”

Of course Even couldn't save him from his past. No one could, and he'd rather live in denial for the rest of his life than feel this pain every day. Because he knew that everything after that first time had been a desperate grab for control, a fluttering hope that this time would be different. He couldn't pretend anymore. He wanted to, but he wasn't able to.

“I know it feels like it won't ever be okay again. I know. But even when everything seems hopeless, you'll have so many people supporting you.”

“Please come.”

“I'm coming, Isak, I'm on my way.”

“I'm sorry I'm so broken.”

“They don't have the strength to break you, baby.”

  
**Wednesday**

He didn't think he'd want to be touched. But he craved it, at least when Even was on the other side of the hand holding his.

They were spooning on the couch. Spooning. Isak had never thought he'd like spooning; it was such a nerdy, in love thing to do. But Even was all along his back with an arm over his waist and one under his head, and they were watching TV in the empty apartment.

Even was rubbing circles along Isak's abdomen, over his shirt. There were dark bruises along his hips that Even avoided touching.

“You okay?” Even asked.

“Mmhm. Why?”

“You're not talking through the whole movie, like you usually do.”

Isak smiled, tilting his head back to be able to look at Even. “This is a happy movie. I don't have to add color commentary to happy movies. Just your sad ones.”

“I miss hearing you talk, though.”

It could have meant during films. But Even's emotions were pretty blatant. He was terrible at acting nonchalant.

“I'm doing better,” Isak assured him, turned back to the television, his hand on top of Even's on his stomach. “Don't worry about me.”

“Okay, baby,” Even said. “I believe you.”

And that was it. Having Even around was such a good balance to having the boys around. Jonas and Magnus and Mahdi all wanted to ensure his safety and wellbeing at every ten minute interval. Which was good, and important, because there was plenty wrong with him at the moment, even more than usual. Sometimes he needed to be reminded to eat, or told that it was okay if he needed to skip class. But sometimes he needed this: getting back to normal, lying with Even, not being reminded of what had happened.

“Hungry?” Even asked.

“Not really.”

“What have you had today?”

“Jonas made me a cheese toastie this morning before he went to class.”

Even gasped. “ _Jonas_ made you a cheese toast? _Jonas_ did? You're betraying our relationship like this?” He rose onto his elbow to peer down over Isak, who rolled his head to look at him.

“Yeah, and it was better than yours.”

Even put his hand to his heart and drew in a dramatic breath. “I feel cheated.”

Isak was laughing and trying to drag him back down to the couch cushions. “Even! Lay down with me.”

Even obliged, putting his arm back along Isak's waist. “Have you only had Jonas's amazing cheese toast today?”

“I'm not hungry, Even,” Isak said, voice small. “I'm sorry. I just... I can't eat.”

“Okay. That's fine, baby, I'm not mad. If you don't want to eat, you don't have to. As long as you've had something.” Even pressed a kiss behind his ear and settled close to his beck, rubbing his palm over Isak's side.

He'd been having trouble, since Friday, functioning the way he usually did. His appetite appeared to be gone for good, his sleep cycle was even more erratic than usual, and he couldn't focus on anything at all.

“Are you comfortable?” Even asked, shifting behind him, tucking his arm more comfortably under Isak's head.

“Yeah. I'm warm,” Isak answered, eyes on the TV screen but attention focused completely on Even.

“That's good.”

“I think I might go to class tomorrow. At least the morning ones, there's only two.”

“I think that's a great idea,” Even said. “But you don't have to do it just cause you think you should.”

“I know.” Isak stroked his fingers up and down Even's arm strapped across his chest. “I just think I'm ready. To get past it.”

“I'm proud of you, baby,” Even said, kissing his temple. “Enjoy your last day off.”

Isak smiled, leaning back into Even's body. “I am.” When they'd lain in silence for a while, he said, “I guess I could go for a sandwich or something.”

He knew Even was smiling without needing to look back. “Thank you.”

  
**Thursday**

“God, you suck at cooking.”

“I do not!”

“You do, holy shit, that's so cute.”

“That's cute, Even? Why is that cute?”

“Everything you do is cute, baby.”

Magnus finally spoke up from the living room. “Will you two stop being cute, please, it's annoying and I can hear it out here.”

“Sorry,” Isak called, standing between Even and the stove as they made pasta. Isak was really only in the way, one of Even's hands on his waist so he would stop accidentally stepping directly in front of where Even needed to be.

“I'm good at cooking,” Isak said to the pot of water.

“You didn't know to wait for the water to boil before adding the pasta.”

“Don't be mean, Noora always cooked.”

“Then I don't understand why you're arguing and saying that you're good at cooking when you've clearly never tried!”

“Stop laughing, Even!” He turned around in the circle of Even's arms and smiled, putting his hands on Even's chest.

“I like seeing you smile again,” Even said, smoothing his thumb over Isak's lips.

_Just lean in. Just kiss me._

Even did kiss his forehead, but it wasn't what he wanted.

Isak could wait, though. Until Even wasn't so worried about breaking him.

“I like smiling again,” Isak said, leaning his head on Even's shoulder. Even circled his waist tight. He never said anything about the bruising on Isak's jaw and hips, but Isak knew that he was aware because he was being even more careful than usual.

“What do you want me to make you for dessert?” Even asked, cheek pressed against Isak's hair.

“Why are you making something?” Isak asked into his shirt. “Why don't we just eat ice cream like usual?”

“We're celebrating.”

“Celebrating what?”

“That you went back to school today. That you're coming to the party tomorrow. I don't know, I just want to make dessert. How about cupcakes? Or... chocolate chip cookies?”

Isak thought about this. “Cupcakes.”

“Cupcakes?”

“Yeah. Chocolate cupcakes.”

“Whatever you want.”

Isak smiled and kissed Even's cheek, and they stood in the kitchen together swaying back and forth as the pot boiled over.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: attempted rape/non-con, panic attack


	7. Week 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak finds things out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still in awe over the response this has gotten. I'm so so glad that people like reading it, and I'm glad that I'm doing justice to issues that hit close to home for a lot of people. Thank you!  
> I'm really not sure how I feel about this chapter.... idk you tell me! In the comments or on tumblr (apologies for my lame blog @supermansplaining) and I'll talk to you, too!  
> This is earlier than expected, and I'm sorry for not having anything ready yesterday, it was a stressful day for me<3  
> Trigger warnings in the end notes!

**Friday**

Isak had insisted on going to the party this time, even when the guys said it wasn't a good idea. He still had yellowing bruises on his face, after all. But he was ready to feel normal again. And normal was following his friends into parties, only this time he held Even's hand on the way in and all the way there. They hadn't kissed again since that first time, but there was no skimping on affection. Isak leaned into him, put his arm around his waist, lay on his chest. Even made him laugh and didn't talk about what happened. It was a nice break from his roommates who were still tiptoeing around him, afraid he'd crash again like in those first few days. He did need them; they were family, they were looking out for him, they made sure he was eating and sleeping, and he needed that just like he needed the time away from it. The boys and Even were balancing each other, and Isak was getting better.

“Okay?” Jonas asked, hand on the doorknob of the house they were about to enter.

Isak nodded, squeezing Even's hand, their fingers interlaced. “Yeah,” he said, “I'm good.”

Jonas pushed the door open and they all walked in, heading for the fenced backyard so that they could smoke in peace out of sight of the neighbors. Mahdi peeled off to go get the weed from one of his dealers, a kid who'd promised to meet him at the party with an eighth, and the rest of them stepped outside through the back door, joining a bunch of other stoners and drunk undergrads on the back lawn. It was cold. Isak pulled Even closer to his side and Even dropped a kiss to the top of his head as he hugged him, rocking them back and forth, Isak's arms around his waist, stealing his warmth.

Isak laughed as Even spun them around. “This isn't how you dance to this kind of music,” Isak said, looking up at Even.

It wasn't really a dance, it was a hug that involved moving parts, but Even just ignored it and said, “This music sucks.”

“Maybe they have a guitar you can play instead,” Isak suggested, dropping his head to Even's shoulder.

“Yeah, maybe. I know how hot and bothered you get when I play guitar.”

Isak laughed again and pulled away from him when Magnus said, “Can you two join the conversation, please? You're being gross.”

“We're not being gross,” Even huffed, shoving his hands in his pockets. “We're just friends. As Isak.”

This was a hard claim to give credence to, since Isak was wearing one of Even's jackets and they had just been wrapped up in each other like no one else existed.

Isak was looking towards the house as Even, Jonas, and Magnus fell into conversation about a certain liberal studies professor that Isak hadn't had, and he felt his stomach drop. Fucking Nate was walking towards their little group. Isak hadn't known he was coming, and when he looked at Jonas, Jonas just shrugged his shoulders in apology.

“Hey, man, you good?” Nate said to Isak, looking apprehensive, like he was ready to run if Isak was to throw a well-deserved punch. Isak nodded once and didn't answer. Even didn't say anything as Jonas greeted him, and Magnus's, “Hello,” didn't hold its normal enthusiasm for life.

Isak moved to Even's side and took his hand again, out of instinct, and Even pulled him closer to his side with an easy grip. Protective. Hot. Nate dropped his eyes to their joined hands and they rested there for a moment too long. Isak waited for him to spit out some more homophobic bullshit that would leave him in a panic in a frat house restroom, but none came.

He ran his thumb across the back of Even's hand and Even looked down at him and smiled, leaning in to press a kiss to his temple. “Everything alright?” he asked, and Isak nodded, leaning his head on Even's shoulder and looking around, trying to pick up on the conversation everyone else was engaging in. It was now about income taxes, courtesy of Jonas, he assumed, and Isak tried to keep up.

“I got the weed, who's got a bowl?” Mahdi announced, rejoining the group. As Jonas pulled out a bowl and grinder and started to pack, everyone dug money from their pockets. Isak tried to hand Mahdi his share, but he said it was okay, that the rest of them would take care of it.

“You called out of work all weekend,” he said. “And you couldn't work in the lab. And it's okay, you needed the break. But you don't have ten bucks to blow on weed, Isak, and that's fine. We've got you. We already talked about it, in case you need us to float your share of the rent this month. It's chill.”

It was still new to Isak, having people who cared. He looked at Magnus, who nodded, and then up at Even, who just smiled at him, swinging their joined hands back and forth.

When the bowl was packed they passed it around, sitting down in a circle on the ground. There was a discussion surrounding the legalization of weed that Isak had held with Jonas many a time before and had long since grown tired of, but having the conversation with so many people—marijuana enthusiasts—was extremely entertaining.

“Fuck, not even for medicine,” Jonas was saying, eyes heavy-lidded and red. “Even if it helps people. What about in America, that shit'll never end. Their president's a fucking idiot. Republicans run the House, republicans run the Senate. They hate poor people, and they hate health care, and they hate weed, so everyone's fucked.”

Isak took a long pull from the bowl and held it in his lungs as he handed the glass to Even along with Magnus's lighter, blowing the smoke against his ear on the exhale. A bunch of people were in the yard, and there were fairy lights hung from the tree branches and winding up the fences. People stood around with bottles and cans and cups and joints, a girl sat next to Jonas and offered them each a sip of Jack Daniels for a few pulls on the bowl. Even went inside to find some plastic cups and Jonas pulled a bottle of vodka from his backpack. Some people joined them. Isak made sure he didn't drink enough to get wasted—the memory of the last time drunk was enough to deter him from more than an inch of alcohol—and he leaned against Even, arm around his waist, watching his friends get drunker and drunker.

“Still okay?” Even asked, jostling the arm he had around Isak's shoulders. “Having fun?”

Isak nodded, smiling. “Yeah. I'm glad I came.”

Magnus was in hysterics on Even's other side, bumping between Even and Mahdi. Jonas was talking to the girl with Jack Daniels in an animated political discussion, and Nate was drinking gulp after gulp of vodka, refilling his cup often. Isak tilted his chin to Even and kissed his cheek, and Even turned to him, mock affronted with his mouth open. “How dare you.”

“Even.”

Even grabbed his forearms when Isak tried to push him and reeled him into his chest as Isak wriggled against him and laughed and tried halfheartedly to pull away. “Baby!” he whined, laughing as Even tickled him and shoved him around.

Even stopped, arms around him, and said, teasingly serious, “Did you call me baby? Was that you?”

Isak groaned. “You're such an asshole.”

“Who knew you were such a romantic?” Even asked. When Isak blushed, trying to push him again, Even kissed his nose and said, “You're so cute.”

Isak just smiled and leaned into his chest, feeling warm with Even's strong arms around him, feeling safe, feeling like what had happened last week was far far away.

  
**Saturday**

Isak wanted to sleep with Even more than he had ever wanted to sleep with anyone. He hadn't had sex since they first met. It had been weeks. And now that they were touching all the time, now that they were alone together a lot, now that they'd shared a bed, it was getting harder to ignore.

But sex was destructive, when Isak did it. It was a buffer against real emotion, and he didn't want to stop experiencing real emotion with Even. He didn't want to have sex with him because he felt like he should, he wanted to have sex with him because they both wanted to, and then he wanted him to stay afterwards.

Isak knew Even wasn't the kind of person who would leave him after fucking him. He wasn't like everyone else had been, and Isak wasn't the same person he'd been when they met. He _wanted_ someone to stay, for the first time ever, and Even was someone who _would_ stay. But Isak needed more time. He was just getting used to showing his affection, and already that was new and sometimes overwhelming, knowing that he was wanted and trying to show his reciprocation.

He was in the kitchen with his roommates and Anders and Nate when he saw Even for the first time all night. They were at a house party down the street from his apartment, and Even, the master of being late to parties, had said he had to make sure Martin didn't die after doing mushrooms with a friend from class, babysitting him until someone came to pick him up and watch him for the rest of the night.

Nate was trying to get Isak to do shots when Isak saw Even, who said, “Hey,” to everyone, kissing Isak's forehead as Isak curled an arm around his waist.

People greeted Even back and asked about Martin and then dispersed into separate conversations, and Isak tilted his head up to Even. He was already looking down. “Hi,” Even said with a smile. “How are you?”

“Mm. Good. How are you?”

“Good.” They laughed, inches apart, as Isak said, “Yeah?” and Even answered, “Yeah,” in a teasing tone, both inching closer to each other, Isak's fist bunching up in the back of Even's shirt and Even's fingers combing through his hair.

And then Isak was leaning up and kissing him without any thought at all, and it didn't surprise either of them because Isak didn't remember that it wasn't something they did every day already. When he realized, though, he pulled away, blinking up at Even as his eyes fluttered open. “Fuck,” Isak said with a shy smile, his palms flat on Even's chest. “Was that okay? I forgot that we don't... do that.”

Even glanced up at the ceiling as if deep in thought, his hands on Isak's hips, rocking them both from foot to foot. “It was a little short-lived.”

“Shut up!” Isak said, slapping at his chest. Even's hands came up to grab Isak's wrists and the action was playful but turned him on a little bit. “I'm trying to have a serious, adult conversation,” Isak insisted, laughing as Even tugged him around, pulling him closer, letting go of his wrists to take hold of his waist, saying, “An adult conversation? You want to have an adult conversation?” Isak snaked his arms around Even's neck to link hands behind his head. “You're sober, right?” he asked.

“I'm sober,” Even answered. His thumbs circled on Isak's hips, pushing the hem of his t-shirt up a little bit. If either of them looked down, finger-shaped bruises would be waiting for them. But they didn't. “Are you sober?”

Isak nodded, still smiling, and stood on his toes to kiss him again, pulling Even's head down as Even's arms circled tight around his midsection.

They'd never kissed like this before. It'd been chaste lips pressed to hair or cheeks or foreheads. The one real kiss they'd shared had been desperate and quick and enough for the moment but not for anything else. This kiss was deep and intimate and public. Isak kept breaking it to smile.

It took a few moments for the boys to notice it, since they were so used to tuning out Isak and Even, but when they did they started whooping and catcalling and Isak rolled his eyes as Even pulled back, tucking Isak under his arm and saying, “It's not what it looks like, we're just friends!” And everyone laughed, because they were so tired of hearing those words. Including Isak.

Nate said, “God, baby boy, you're fucking whipped,” and then gulped down the rest of the contents of his cup. Isak hadn't been around him when he wasn't completely wasted in days.

“You want to slow down on the alcohol, maybe?” Isak asked tentatively.

“You want to mind your own fucking business?” was what he got in answer, so Isak turned back to Even and linked his arms around his neck and kissed him again, because one time wasn't enough, and two times wouldn't be, and a million times wouldn't be. The group dispersed, some people going outside to smoke, some staying in the kitchen, some starting to dance. Isak just kissed Even with his back against the kitchen counter, arms hung around his neck as he was pressed backwards.

God, he loved kissing him. Even had the perfect lips, the perfect tongue. He held Isak just the right way, big hands touching perfectly. Isak didn't know he could love it this much; kissing, without the obligation of more.

  
**Sunday**

“Your lips are soft,” Isak murmured, standing between Even's legs.

“Are they?” Even asked, looking down from where he was perched on the counter of Isak's apartment.

“Mmhm. Really soft.”

“Just for you, baby.”

“Please take this somewhere else,” Jonas said as he grabbed a mug out of a cabinet.

“We're going to the book shop anyways,” Isak said, taking Even's hand and pulling him off the countertop. “Thanks for your endless support.”

“I thought I'd be relieved when you two finally frenched but I really underestimated how much I'd have to see it.”

“That's not our fault,” Isak said, pulling on his shoes by the door as Even got their coats off the back of the couch.

It's amazing how many places you can kiss your kind-of-boyfriend in a day. They'd kissed hello in Isak's bedroom. He was still in bed on his phone when Mahdi let Even in, and he'd leaned in and kissed him through his morning breath. They'd kissed in the bathroom when Even wouldn't let Isak brush his teeth in peace, and they'd kissed in the kitchen while Even made him breakfast and they drank Magnus's coffee. And now they were kissing in the bookstore Isak worked at, across the counter, breaking apart when the bell over the door rang with the entrance of a customer.

“Off,” Isak said, pushing at Even's shoulders even as he pecked him a few more times.

“Kissing you is my favorite thing it the world,” Even murmured against his lips.

Isak kissed him a few more times, then pushed him away and retreated to the wall behind the counter, eyeing Even as he raised his hands, surrendering his pursuit, and sat down against the shelf with a book in his lap.

“You're just too cute to stay away from,” Even said, opening up the book of poems. “When I read this I'll be thinking all about you.”

“Stop being a fucking dork, Even.”

“You can't say fuck at your job, baby. It's unprofessional.”

“I think I left professional behind when I had your tongue down my throat at my place of employment.”

The customer emerged from between two shelves at that moment and Isak blushed bright red, stuttering out a greeting as the man looked between Isak and Even on the floor. Isak could see Even trying not to laugh, and as soon as he'd checked the customer out Isak threw his jacket at him.

“You're always laughing at me!”

“I'm not, you're just so awkward, baby, it's adorable! Fuck, you get so embarrassed!”

“Go get us lunch or I'm not letting you come to work with me anymore.”

“Anything for you.”

Later they kissed on the way to Even's job, and they kissed in a convenience store while they bought candy, and they kissed in the coffee shop. Isak did homework when Even had customers and sat on his lap when he didn't.

“Even, you're gonna get fired if you don't stop doing this,” Isak said, arms wrapped around his neck, kissing him deep. “Employers don't usually like it when you ditch the cash register to make out with some guy.”

“I like making out with some guy more than I like watching the cash register, though.”

“I won't like you anymore if you lose your job. I'm only after that sweet KB money you're getting.”

“I'm rolling in the dough for you, baby.”

Even eased Isak off of his lap to go serve a customer and as Isak was writing an essay for psychology on the psychosocial stages, he heard, “Coffee for the pretty boy in my red hoodie,” from the counter that Even was behind.

“You're cute.”

“Cute? What? You're not calling me lame or a dork or gross? Who are you?”

“You are lame and a dork and gross, but you can be all those things and cute, too.”

They kissed in the laundromat in the middle of the night, when Even had to wash his clothes but Isak wasn't ready to leave yet. The middle aged woman manning the place was reading a drug store mystery book with glasses perched precariously close to the edge of her nose, and Isak's voice kept carrying and making her look up at the only two people in the city doing laundry at eleven pm on Sunday.

“We're never gonna get out of here if you don't let me start the machine,” Even said with Isak pressed against his front.

“I don't care.”

“You want to stay here forever?”

“I could live with that.”

  
**Monday**

“Even?” Isak called from Even's bedroom, sitting on his bed.

“Yeah?”

“Can I look through Netflix?”

“Sure, my laptop's on the dresser.”

Isak stood up and brought the computer back to the bed, logging on with the password Even had told him and watching the screen jump to an open tab in Google.

He didn't mean to read it. He never would have read Even's emails. But as he was searching for a new tab, his eyes fell to, “If you feel like you're slipping, make an appointment any time,” before he could close out.

_If you feel like you're slipping._

Isak looked at the door, but Even was still in the kitchen.

This felt a lot like something his mother would have done, when he was a child, before it got bad. When she was making appointments with a therapist to talk things through, before his father forced her onto medication so that she wouldn't do psychotherapy anymore. _If you feel like you're slipping_. Into what? Even wasn't crazy, Even wasn't like his mother. He acted completely normal; loving and gentle, smiling and kind. There was nothing wrong with Even, there couldn't be. Because someone crazy wouldn't be able to love Isak the way he needed; comprehensively and without fail. He would only be an added stress, he would only bring Even down even farther. Someone crazy couldn't listen to his problems and try to solve them. Someone crazy had enough on their plate already.

Isak didn't tell his mother about his problems. When he visited he listened to hers and if she asked how he was he always said that he was fine, no matter how untrue it might have been. Isak was a burden to even the mentally able. His problems would crush the mentally ill.

He couldn't stand the thought of not being enough for Even. He had finally gotten over his thoughts in that direction, had finally started thinking that maybe they could be happy together. Maybe he'd finally found someone that he could be happy with.

If Even was crazy, it would change everything, just like it had with his mom. Isak would be a burden. He would be too much to handle with his emotional problems and issues with intimacy. He couldn't be what Even needed, no matter how much he loved him. _Love._ Could Isak possibly love and be loved? He had never considered it before, but the word was making every appearance lately, in every casual thought. Something that wasn't there yet, but might soon be.

But maybe he was overthinking. Maybe he'd misinterpreted the sentence, projected all of his past insecurities onto this possible future. There was no proof that Even wasn't well. Even had been nothing but normal. Isak knew what crazy looked like, he had experienced it his whole life. Hell, Isak himself was crazy, with all that had happened to him. He was sick, too, and he hated himself for it.

He had never hated anyone like he had hated himself. He could never hate his mother, no matter how ill, and he knew that he could never hate Even, no matter what.

But he could hate himself for hurting them.

“Did you find anything?”

Isak jumped at Even's voice, then looked from the doorway he was standing in to the laptop monitor with the Netflix home screen staring at him.

“Uh, no. It's your turn to choose.”

“You alright?”

“Just come lay with me,” Isak said, shifting over on the bed to make room for Even, who sat down and let Isak rest his head on his shoulder. “I'm fine, baby. Don't worry about me.”

  
**Tuesday**

It was eating him alive.

He had seen the email. He knew what it was about. There was something that Even wasn't telling him, and he would love to have it cleared up, to hear Even say that it's not what he thinks, but he was terrified that Even would confirm his fears.

He wouldn't stop feeling the way he did about Even. No matter what. But he would worry, constantly, that he wasn't enough. He never wanted to feel like that again.

“Baby?” he asked, voice shaking. They were in Isak's living room with all the roommates, Isak tucked under Even's arm.

“Yeah?” Even replied, eyes glued to the screen.

“Can you come to the kitchen with me?”

Even looked at him then, and nodded wordlessly before standing to follow him. Once they were in the quiet, leaning against opposite countertops and watching each other, Even said, “Is everything okay?”

“I just... I need to ask you something,” Isak said. “Because I don't want to lie to you, or keep anything from you. And I really don't want you to lie to me, either, or keep things from me, so I think we should talk about it.”

“Okay. What... what is it?”

Isak could see that he was nervous, and that only made Isak more anxious. If Even had something to be nervous about, that meant that Isak should feel the same. “You know when I went over to your place yesterday?”

“Yeah.”

“Well... you told me to open Netflix on your laptop, and I did, but there was already a tab open.” Isak stopped looking at Even. He stared at his hands instead, his fingers twisting together. “And I didn't mean to look, baby, I really didn't, I closed it as soon as I could, but... but there was an email, from someone, open. And it said... it said that if you were slipping, that you should make an appointment.” Isak glanced up at Even, who looked pale and scared. “I won't be mad, Even, I just... are you okay?”

“I wanted to tell you,” Even said, before anything else. “Please believe me when I say I was going to tell you. I just... couldn't find the right time. I didn't want to scare you away when we first met, and then the thing with that guy happened, and then you kissed me, and I didn't want to tell you right after, when you might think that I had gotten what I wanted and I was leaving now. I just... I wanted to tell you, Isak.”

“Tell me what?”

Even waited a long moment before he said, quietly, with his eyes downcast, “I'm bipolar.”

Isak didn't say anything. For a long time, he just nodded to himself, because he had known this. When he saw that email, he knew something was off. He knew that something was wrong.

“Please don't be mad at me, Isak, I wanted to tell you--”

Isak cut him off with a kiss, crossing the kitchen in a few quick strides and pressing his lips against Even's hard. “I'm not mad at you,” he said, leaning his forehead against Even's. “I'll never be mad at you. And this doesn't change anything about us. Okay? We're fine. I'm glad you told me.”

“Are you sure?” Even sounded so scared, so broken. He sounded close to tears and he was holding Isak so tight the desperation leached through his skin. “I'm crazy, Isak.”

“Don't say that,” Isak whispered, breath ghosting across Even's lips. “Never say that, baby.”

“It's true.”

“It's not. You're not crazy, Even.”

Because Even wasn't crazy. He couldn't be. And if Even wasn't crazy, with his bipolar disorder, then his mother wasn't crazy, either. They both had imbalances in their beautiful minds, they both had problems that had to be handled. But Even wasn't crazy, and if Even wasn't, then Marianne wasn't. And if they weren't, then Isak wasn't. As much as he told himself he was ruined and insane and permanently fucked up, he wasn't crazy, either. He was traumatized and he was abused but he couldn't tell Even that he was sane without being forced by logic to believe it for himself as well.

Mental illness hadn't taken his mother from him, his father had.

“I'm so sorry,” Isak said, “if I ever made you feel like you were.”

“I know about your mom.”

Isak picked his head up to look at Even. “How?”

“One of your friends told me, I think. I don't really remember, it was early on. They didn't mean to. But it's why I didn't tell. I didn't want you to leave me.”

“Even,” Isak said, running his thumb across Even's cheekbone. “I love my mom more than anything. I would never leave her. And I'll never leave you, either.”

Even smiled a watered-down smile, let out a sigh of relief, let himself be enveloped in a hug so tight they couldn't breathe. And Isak was okay. He was content. He was enough, for now, and that's all that he could hope for.

  
**Wednesday**

**Eskild Tryggvasson**

Isak: _Can I tell you something?_

 

Eskild: _Anything_

 

Isak: _Even is sick_

 

Eskild: _What do you mean?_

 

Isak: _He's bipolar._

 

Eskild: _Is he ok?_

 

Isak: _He's fine._

 

Eskild: _Are you going to let this change you?_

 

Isak: _No of course not_

_My mom's sick, too, but I still love her_

_I'm just worried_

 

Eskild: _It's normal to be worried about something like that_

 

Isak: _I'm not worried about an episode. I'm worried that I'll be too much for him._

 

Eskild: _What do you mean?_

 

Isak: _I'm messed up. How can I ask Even to keep dealing with it if he's dealing with so much on his own?_

_I don't want to be selfish_

_He doesn't deserve that_

_I just want him to be ok. And taking care of me is hard work._

 

Eskild: _If you care about someone it doesn't seem as hard_

 

Isak: _Taking care of my mom is the hardest thing I've ever done_

 

Eskild: _But you do it. Because you love her._

 

Isak: _Yes and I always will but I can never go to her and tell her that something's wrong with me._

_It would break her_

_She already has to deal with so much of her own shit_

_She shouldn't have to handle mine, too._

 

Eskild: _Shouldn't you let her decide that?_

_And let Even decide?_

 

Isak: _I'm a burden to everyone already_

_I can't put extra weight on someone already carrying so much_

 

Eskild: _You're not a burden, baby gay_

_You have problems like everyone_

_And so what if you take a little extra work?_

_If someone matters to you, you'll still do it_

 

Isak: _I don't want to make him sad._

 

Eskild: _That's not up to you. You can't dictate how he feels_

 

Isak: _I know. I just_

_I want him to be happy_

_And if that means not dealing with me_

_Then that would be best_

 

Eskild: _What are you saying?_

_You want to leave him?_

 

Isak: _No! but it's not fair for me to keep expecting him to support me when he's got so much to deal with_

_I rely on him so much_

_I shouldn't put so much pressure on him_

 

Eskild: _Let him decide_

 

Isak: _I can't tell him that._

 

Eskild: _Why not?_

 

Isak: _It'd be like telling my mom all my stupid insecurities while she's sick in a mental hospital_

_It doesn't compare_

 

Eskild: _Baby jesus problems are problems_

_It's not a competition about who has it worst_

_Just because someone has been through more than you have doesn't mean your problems aren't valid._

 

Isak: _Really?_

 

Eskild: _I promise._

_And if this boy is as crazy about you as Mahdi says, he'll stick around._

 

Isak: _Since when do you and Mahdi talk?_

 

Eskild: _Since my gay adopted son started ignoring his guru_

_I had to make sure you were still alive somehow_

 

Isak: _Sorry. Been busy._

 

Eskild: _Sucking face with Even, I know._

_Just talk to him, Isak_

_I know he'll understand_

 

Isak: _Thanks guru_

 

Eskild: _Love you baby gay_

  
**Thursday**

“Mamma?” Isak said, studying his hands in lap on the hospital's bed. She was good today. She looked healthy and flushed. There was color in her cheeks and a weight to her body that hadn't been there before. She was smiling. Isak hoped she never stopped.

“Yes, baby?” she asked. They were doing a puzzle on the bedsheets, a landscape of a bridge over a pond with pink flowers on the riverbank.

It took Isak a moment of calming breaths before he could say, “I met a boy.”

Her eyes were lit up when Isak finally could look at her again. “A boy? Who is he?”

“He was a friend of Jonas and Magnus and Mahdi. I met him at school.”

“Is he your boyfriend?”

Isak blushed and his mom laughed. “I don't really know. We're... happy together, and I know I want to be with him. But... Mamma?” She was waiting when he looked up again. “He's sick. Like... like you. And I just... I need to know....” He couldn't finish. Tears were coming to his eyes because of everything unsaid, every moment of his life his mom had missed and every bad decision Isak had made and every drop of comfort he couldn't have because he kept everything— _everything—_ locked up so tight it was suffocating. His voice broke when he said, “I need to know if I'm enough for you.”

She didn't say anything, and Isak broke. Covered his face with his hands and cried into his palms.

“Baby,” she said, moving closer and pushing his hair from his forehead. “Baby, you're everything. You will _always_ be enough. Always.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: ableist language (in Isak's thoughts and a talk between Isak and Even)
> 
> Thanks for reading <3 <3 <3


	8. Week 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg almost 850 kudos and nothing but the kindest comments and tumblr asks ya'll are literally amazing and i'm so so so glad you like this story!  
> trigger warnings in the end notes :)  
> this hasn't been proofread (as usual i'm really sorry it's just boring) so any mistakes are mine (if anything is really really bothersome pls let me know and i'll fix it <3)  
> friday is loosely inspired by cuteandtwisted (more in end notes to avoid spoilers)  
> thanks for reading :)

**Friday**

“You taste good,” Even murmured against his lips.

“Yeah?” Isak asked, laughing. “What do I taste like?”

Even kissed him again, then said, “Strawberries. Did you eat strawberries earlier?”

Isak thought, let himself be distracted by Even's lips, and finally said, “I had a sip of strawberry vodka. Disgusting.”

Even smiled and dove back in to kiss him again, and Isak threaded his fingers in Even's hair, pulling him down and arching his back as Even tugged his hips forward. It wasn't too long before Isak pulled away, eliciting a disappointed sound from Even, which made Isak laugh. “I need to pee.”

“Gonna go jack off?” Even asked, and Isak laughed and nodded and said, “That's exactly it.” He leaned up to kiss Even once more, shortly, before tugging away and weaving through the party, headed towards the bathroom. There were two drunk Danish girls talking rapidly who squealed when they saw him, telling him how pretty it was that his hoodie matched his eyes and then hugging him and leaving, closing the door behind them and leaving him smiling.

He peed and washed his hands and dried them on his jeans because house parties never had towels. He opened the door and was startled to see Nate staggering outside in the hallway.

As much as Isak didn't enjoy being in his company, he was still human enough to be concerned for him. He had seen him much earlier downing shot after shot, but he hadn't talked to him at all. “You okay, dude?” Isak asked, walking closer to him.

“Are you and him dating now?” Nate asked, words slurred.

“Me and Even?” Isak squinted at him. “Kind of. I don't know. I like him a lot.” He tried to take a step closer but Nate was throwing him a look that he didn't understand, so Isak stayed in place. “Why?”

“He fucking ruined everything,” Nate said.

Isak shook his head. “What do you mean?” He started glancing around to find someone to help the guy, but instead of answering, Nate stumbled towards him and pressed his lips against Isak's.

Isak fell backwards against the wall and Nate followed him, hands grabbing onto him, saying, “Jesus, Isak.”

“Nate!” Isak said, taking hold of his arms and trying to push him away. “Stop! Okay? Just stop.”

“I thought I'd get a turn like every jackass in school,” Nate said, bringing his eyes up to Isak's. “You sucked off every boy in school but before I got a chance _he_ came.” He shook his head. “Fuck, maybe I love you. I don't know. I think I do. I wanted to fuck you, back when you were letting everyone. But you wouldn't. You wouldn't.” And then he staggered closer, pushing Isak against the wall and trying to kiss him again.

Isak shoved him harder than the first time and he stumbled backwards, then came up to him again, framing Isak's face in his hands. “Fuck—stop it, Nate!” Isak shoved him hard enough for him to fall against the opposite wall and then stood there panting and staring at him. “You're not in love with me!”

“I am,” he moaned, tears running down his cheeks. “I think I am. I didn't even know it but I am.” He tried to get closer again, tried holding him again, tried kissing him again.

“Get the fuck off, Nate!” Isak said, pushing him. He fell, this time, and stayed on the ground, sobbing. “You don't love me! You just wanted to fuck me like everyone else!” Isak watched him and felt his anger melt. Afraid that he'd hurt him, he almost knelt beside him, but decided that it was a bad idea when he heard Nate moaning, “He fucking ruined it. Everything went to shit when he came.”

Isak called Jonas, keeping careful eyes on Nate's mess of tears and broken, drunken words. “Dude, Nate's totally fucking wasted over here. You invited him, bro, you need to do something. He's not okay. We're by the bathroom.”

It took a few minutes for Jonas to get there. “Dude, what happened?” he asked, kneeling beside Nate but directing the question to Isak.

“He just....” Isak took a breath. “He's really drunk. He was trying to kiss me.” He watched Jonas try to get Nate's focus, slapping his cheeks lightly and peeling his eyes open. “Is he okay? I pushed him kind of hard. I didn't mean to hurt him, I just wanted him to stop touching me.” He caught Jonas's eye as he whirled around in anger, and Isak spoke before Jonas could. “Dude, we can talk about it later, okay? I know it wasn't okay, but he's clearly not in his right mind to right now, and nothing you say will get through to him.” Isak sighed, rubbing his eyes, because apparently he still couldn't go to a party without getting groped. “Can you just make sure he doesn't... die, or something?”

“I'm gonna kill him when he wakes up anyways,” Jonas muttered.

“Just talk to him. Don't hurt him because of me.” Isak suddenly felt very tired. “If I get Mahdi or Mags can you help him? I don't really want to be around him right now. I'm staying at Even's tonight.”

“Sure,” Jonas said. “I'll go drop him off at his place, but tomorrow--” he cut himself off, took a steadying breath, and pulled out his phone from his jeans pocket. “I'll text Mahdi, you find Even and get out of here. I'm... I'm really sorry, man. I didn't know that he was....” He shook his head. There were a lot of ways he could have finished that sentence. _Not straight. Into you. Willing to assault you._

Even was in the corner talking to some very drunk girls, and Isak smiled at him as he sidled up, wanting to wait until Even was finished talking. But Even's brow furrowed and he said, “What's wrong?” as soon as Isak whispered, “Hi, baby.”

They ended up in his bed, watching a movie with Isak's head on his shoulder. Isak fell asleep twenty minutes in.

  
**Saturday**

Isak sat on the counter in boxers and one of Even's hoodies, the hood pulled over his head and the sleeves pulled over his hands. The hoodie was too big even on Even, so it dwarfed Isak. He loved it. It smelled like Even, and Isak was feeling sleepy and sappy.

“Are you sure you're okay?” Even asked, moving around the kitchen, making breakfast but looking over his shoulder at Isak. He was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, hair messy, holding a spatula in one hand and cracking eggs with the other. Looking gorgeous and moving easily.

“I'm fine,” Isak said. He wasn't sure if he was telling the truth. The only thing that mattered now was Even's presence. “He was drunk. I don't think he knew that I didn't want him all over me, because I wasn't... yelling, or anything. I was trying not to hurt him, he was clearly fucked up.” Nate couldn't comprehend the fact that the whore of the college wouldn't spread his legs for him. Maybe Isak was a bit more affected than he wanted to admit.

Even stepped between Isak's legs and stroked his thumb over Isak's cheek. “It doesn't have to always be okay,” he said. “It doesn't always have to be your fault, baby.” He kissed Isak and Isak smiled into it.

“You make me feel better,” Isak admitted quietly, his hands on Even's shoulders. “Thank you for letting me stay.” He had slept with his back pressed against Even's side, wearing Even's clothes. Even's long fingers had been in his hair and on his skin, and Isak had slept better than he had in a long time.

“Of course, baby.” Even moved away from him to dish scrambled eggs onto a plate and they both ate off of it, Isak on the counter and Even standing next to him, leaning back, the plate on Isak's lap.

“Will you come back to the apartment with me?” Isak asked. “I know I've been asking for a lot--”

Even kissed him again, surprising him, and then pulled away just as quickly, leaving Isak reeling and watching him. He still amazed Isak in the stupidest ways. “I'll go with you,” Even said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, resting their foreheads together. “Will he be there?”

Even never said anything with malice or hate. Even when things happened that he didn't like, he was calm and quiet and a pillar of comfort. When Isak was assaulted that first time, and his friends had wanted to kill the guy, Even's main concern was making sure Isak was okay. Fuck the guy, someone else could take care of that. But Even was going to be the one to take care of Isak.

Isak hopped off the counter. “No, he won't be. I just want to be able to sleep tonight. And I sleep better with you.” He blushed at the admission, but was washing the plate at the sink, so Even didn't see.

Even dropped the pan and spatula next to Isak, kissed his cheek, and put the eggs in the fridge. “Did you know?” he asked after a minute. “That he wanted you?”

Isak shook his head. “I had no idea. I always thought he didn't like me at all. He was always looking at me funny.” He washed the pan and spatula and put them in the drying rack, turning to face Even again, leaning back against the sink. “I don't know. He just wanted a fuck, like everyone else. Just a piece of the action, I guess. I dunno, I must have misinterpreted everything. I thought he was a homophobe, that he hated that I was gay.”

“I knew,” Even said, leaning against the opposite counter. When Isak raised his eyebrows, Even said, “He looked at you so much, so often. Like all the guys at the parties who wanted to get in your pants. He was no different.”

“What guys at parties?”

“Baby, everyone wants you. How could they not?”

“They don't like me because of my stunning personality, Even,” Isak said. “They like me because they know I put out. Why didn't you say anything, if you noticed this?”

Even came up in front of him. “I didn't want to be that jealous asshole. I didn't want to scare you away. And I'm usually not jealous, so it was weird for me.” He hugged Isak around the waist. “You're so special, baby.”

Isak smiled into the kiss, like he always did.

But this time he didn't want to pull away. This time he tugged Even closer, this time he made the kiss deep and wet and filthy. He never wanted any hands on him, ever again, if they weren't Even's. This time he whispered to Even, looking him in the eyes, “Will you fuck me?” more scared of rejection than he'd ever been, and Even's breath caught and his hands stilled and all he could say was, “God, Isak, of course I will.”

So they fucked, and Isak cried, which was silly, because it was one of the few times it didn't hurt, but the only time he'd ever cried. He was just overwhelmed, ecstatic that this was happening, terrified that he'd be left after.

“What's wrong, baby?” Even asked, breathless against his lips, fingers running over Isak's face. “Am I hurting you? Does it hurt, Isak?”

“No, keep going,” Isak said, unable to stop crying, clawing at Even's back. “Please keep going, Even, please don't stop--”

Even kissed him, he kept moving. He felt so good. He felt perfect. It had been so long, but waiting had been so worth it. “Okay, sweetheart. Okay. Tell me if something's wrong.”

“Harder, Even,” he gasped, head falling back on the pillow. “Please, baby.”

“God, anything you want.”

Had no one kissed him during sex before? The feeling was indescribable.

  
**Sunday**

Looking his friends in the eye after getting fucked for twenty hours was difficult. Isak blushed immediately after opening the door, Even holding one hand and his roommates trailing behind him. Isak had stayed at their place a night longer than he had planned, and told his boss that he couldn't work his regular Sunday shift. Nothing meant anything after he'd had Even inside him.

Anders and Martin knew. It would have been hard for them not to know, considering the noise they made. Isak had never been particularly vocal in bed, but he'd also never had sex that felt so good before. Even had held him afterwards. Isak's muscle memory had to forced down so that he didn't get out of the bed and put his clothes on and leave. Even cleaned them up and Isak was spent and sated and crying and Even pulled him onto his chest and said, “What's wrong, Isak? Please talk to me.”

Isak felt small and pathetic and embarrassed. He buried his face in Even's neck and said, “Fuck,” but Even was tilting up his chin and saying, “I'm not gonna hurt you, baby.” And Isak had watched him in wonder, pushed his lips against Even's as Even pulled the blankets up. How was he real? How did he want Isak? He'd run his fingers over old scars and asked who had done that to him.

Too many people to count. Isak had told him it didn't matter, they weren't important.

“Our boys got laid!” yelled Martin as he entered the apartment, spreading his arms wide in his typical announcement form, letting the front door slam shut behind him.

Magnus came out of his room first, saying, “Please, they've been fucking for weeks.”

“No,” Anders said. He sat in the middle of the couch. “I assure you they haven't been.”

“Yeah, the noises they made were not noises I've heard before,” Martin said, and Isak yelled, “Stop!” as he blushed, pulling against Even's side. Mahdi had emerged from his room, and now Jonas was coming out.

“Is Nate okay?” Isak asked. Everyone was taking seats in the living room, and Even grabbed a corner of the couch before Martin could, pulling Isak against his side. Isak curled his feet up under him and tucked his head beneath Even's chin. Even had two hickeys on his neck and Isak blushed when he noticed them.

“Yeah,” Jonas said. He scoffed, shaking his head. “Yeah, I left him with his roommate. He was in bad shape. Fucking asshole.” He sent Isak an intense look. “I'm really sorry man. I should have stopped him earlier, that first time he said something. I'm sorry it went so far.”

“It's not your fault, Jonas,” Isak sighed. “Just because he was your friend doesn't mean you're responsible for him.” Even's hand was on his thigh, grounding him, and Isak met his eye with a smile, leaning back to put his head on his shoulder instead of his chest. “You also introduced me to this guy,” Isak said to Jonas, his arm still around Even's waist. “That makes up for Nate.”

“Oh, yeah,” Magnus said, as if reminded. “How was the sex?”

Isak looked up in shock and Anders said, “Loud,” as Martin said, “Extensive.”

“Leave me alone!” Isak said, laughing and blushing, Even's fingers carding through his hair as he smiled smugly. “I've waited months!”

“God, you certainly didn't have to wait last night,” Martin said. “All day, all night. Jesus Christ, I don't know how either of you are still functioning. Who knew sex could be _that_ good?”

“His mouth is amazing,” Even said, and Isak laughed in shock and said, “Even!” with as much indignation as possible as the rest of the apartment burst into laughter. He said, “Sorry, baby,” and pressed a kiss to Isak's forehead.

“So...” Mahdi started, looking between Isak and Even. Isak tore his eyes away from Even to look. “Are you two together now, finally?”

“We haven't talked about it,” Even said, in a way that essentially ended the conversation.

Isak smiled up at him and Even kissed his lips lightly and quickly. Isak said, “We will,” with his fingers in Even's t-shirt collar, and Even's eyes lit up, looking like he'd been given some precious gift. Isak couldn't help kissing him again. It was chaste and fast and not enough, over far too soon. Now that they'd finally had sex, everything else paled in comparison.

“I hope you decide to just fucking date already,” Anders said. “I'm sick of the drama.”

“You're gonna get gross PDA in replacement,” Magnus said. “Look how disgusting they already are. If they decide to finalize this shit, they'll never detach.”

“Oh, please,” Mahdi said, rolling his eyes. “They've been dating for weeks. All cuddled up and shit. Fucking throwing it in our single faces. From the second they met they've been like this. I hate it.”

“You're jealous,” Jonas said.

“Damn right I'm jealous!” Mahdi exclaimed. “Why the fuck should Isak 'I Don't Believe In Love' Valtersen get a hot boyfriend on the first try while the rest of us who desperately want love can't find it? Fuck you guys.”

“Jesus!” Isak said through laughter. “I thought you were rooting for us. What a friend.”

“Maybe he's in love with you, too,” Anders said. “Everyone else seems to be.”

“Nate didn't know what he was talking about,” Isak said, putting his head back on Even's shoulder. He pushed Even's shirt up a little bit with the arm he had around his waist so that his fingers could touch skin. “He was drunk and horny. He was just trying to justify himself, saying he was assaulting me because he loved me. But he just wanted to fuck me, like everyone else. Didn't see me as anything more than that.” Would anyone ever?

Even tightened his arm almost possessively around Isak, and it felt nice to be protected.

 

“Were you serious?” Even asked, pulling on some sweatpants as Isak sat up in a hoodie in his bed.

“About what?” Isak asked. “Can you toss me my underwear?”

Even smiled and picked up the boxers to hand to Isak. “About... talking about us. What we are.” Before Isak had a chance to reply or change his expression or do anything at all except pull on his boxers, Even said, “We don't have to--”

“You've gotta stop being so... patient with me, Even,” Isak said with a smile. He reached out his hand to Even and Even took it and sat across from him on the bed. “This thing isn't just about me. Not just what I want. You've been so fucking good about this, because I have problems, and you know that, we both know that. But I don't want to be this selfish all the time.”

“You're not selfish, baby--”

“But you've been so patient,” Isak said, holding onto Even's hand and playing with his fingers. “And it's time to ask what you want. Because, baby, I'll never think I'm completely ready. If you keep waiting on me to make the decision, you'll be waiting forever. I don't want you to wait forever. So tell me what you want. Please.”

“Of course I want you, Isak,” Even said. “I just don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.”

“I want to do this,” Isak said, clasping Even's hand in both of his. “I've wanted to do this since I fucking met you, Even, I'm just... scared.”

Even stroked his hand with his thumb. “Scared of what?”

“Scared of everything. You're the best person I've ever met, Even. I could get through it if you hurt me, I always get through it.” He looked down at the mattress and took a minute before saying, “I just don't want to mess things up with you.”

“It's been weeks,” Even said. “You haven't done anything to make me stop wanting you.”

“These past few weeks have been... really hard,” Isak said. “Not hard in like... that I didn't want to be with you. I was trying really hard to... fix myself. Try to make myself good enough.” Even brought his free hand to Isak's knee and let him talk. “I had a rough childhood. You know that. And then I had a really, um, destructive sex life. I would have sex instead of, you know, feeling anything. That's why I waited so long with you.” Isak tried to smile a little. “Thank you for that, by the way. For waiting.”

“Of course.”

“I just had to sort through a lot of shit. I really liked you. Ever since we met, I liked you. So I had to get over these... issues with my sex life. So that I could be with you without... you know, ruining it by fucking someone else.” Even seemed confused, and Isak just sighed in exasperation because his mental state at any given time was hard enough to explain when he wasn't this emotionally vulnerable. “I don't know how to explain it, I just... I like you, so much, but that... it wouldn't be enough to stop me from fucking someone else. I have problems. I don't say no. Or, I didn't say no, before I met you. I caved when anyone showed the least bit of interest; I was so vulnerable to people showing me the least bit of affection, even if it wasn't affection, it was just interest, or... or lust, or whatever. I don't know.” He looked up at Even. “I'm sorry. I feel like I... tricked you into liking me. Like I'm not who you thought I was. I did things that I wish I didn't.”

“It doesn't matter who you've fucked,” Even said, cupping Isak's cheek in one hand. “It doesn't matter what you've done, baby, not to me. I know you, and you're more than just the shitty hand you were dealt. You're better than you think you are.”

“I want to be with you,” Isak said. “I really want to.”

“Then let's be together,” Even said. “And I'll keep being patient with you, and we'll both keep learning.” He was moving over Isak, pushing him back on the bed and peppering little kisses all over his face to make him laugh. “And it'll be fine, baby. It'll be great.”

“God, you're just... perfect, aren't you?” Isak said, circling his arms around Even's neck and meeting him for an open-mouthed kiss.

“Mm. Your boyfriend is perfect. And my boyfriend is perfect.” Even was smiling into the kisses now, and so was Isak. It was a lot of teeth instead of lips at this point. “We're perfect boyfriends.”

Isak was laughing again and Even was rolling them around in the bed and Isak was so fucking happy.

He didn't think it was possible to be this happy.

  
**Monday**

“Are you feeling okay?” Isak asked, stroking his fingers through Even's hair as Even lay in his lap in bed. “You've been quiet. You're never quiet.”

“I just... I'm sorry for not telling you. It's something that you should've been prepared for, if something happened. It was selfish of me to keep it from you.”

“Baby,” Isak said, running his thumb over Even's cheek. “You never have to tell me what you don't want. This isn't gonna be that kind of relationship. You don't owe me anything, okay? I trust you.”

Even looked up at him, intertwining their fingers on his chest. “We should probably talk about some things, then,” Even said. “About me. I have some rules.”

“What kind of rules?”

“Things I planned with my therapist. To... decrease the risk of falling into an episode without having to take medicine.”

“Okay,” Isak said. “Like what?”

“Like... you know how I'm always late to parties?” He looked up and Isak nodded. “It's cause it sometimes just gets really overwhelming if I'm somewhere like that for too long, and it's not cause of the bipolar, it's just cause of who I am, but if I'm overwhelmed I'll drink to feel better and I'm not supposed to drink.”

“Okay. That's okay, I don't like parties anyways.”

“Baby.”

“What?”

“You don't have to stop doing things just because I don't do them.”

“I know. But not staying at parties late isn't a hardship, Even, it just means we get to leave early and go to bed on time.” Even smiled at Isak and Isak smiled back. “Everything you need to do we'll do together, baby. What are the other rules?”

“I have a sleep schedule that I have to follow most nights. It's usually bed by eleven so I can get eight hours in.”

“That sounds amazing,” Isak said, bending down to kiss him, hands in his hair, still. “I love going to bed early. What else?”

“I'm not supposed to smoke.”

“Even!”

“What?”

“An entire part of our relationship was built on being high together, why would you smoke if it's not good for you?” He covered Even's mouth before he could answer and said, “If I cut back, will you? We won't stop completely. Just a little less.”

Even was looking up at him.

“This is a partnership,” Isak told him. “I'm not gonna control you or tell you what to do. And if I ask you to do something, it's only fair that I try to do it myself. Does that seem... fair? Keep both of us at our healthiest?”

“God, I think I love you.”

Isak smiled and kissed him. “Baby, I think I love you, too.”

He had never thought he'd say that. Not once. But now it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. Like he was made to love Even.

  
**Tuesday**

Sex with Even was quickly becoming Isak's favorite thing in the world. Even knew his body better than anyone ever had. He was beautiful, and Isak couldn't keep his hands off him anymore. He didn't know how he ever could.

Isak was in his lap moving slowly, and Even clutched his hips with gentle fingers and looked up at him like he'd hung the moon. Isak smiled and leaned down to kiss him, short and broken by fast gasps, and Even said, “You look so beautiful, baby, I don't know what I'd do without you.”

Isak laughed and started to move faster, Even's arms circling his waist and helping to guide him. “You feel good,” Isak panted, tossing his head back. Even kissed his neck, then bit down to make Isak yelp and push his head away. “You're an ass,” Isak laughed, and Even just smiled.

“Is this working for you?” Even asked, eyes falling shut as his hands splayed across the small of Isak's back. “Do you want to lay down, instead?”

“No, this is working,” Isak said, nodding fervently. “It's definitely working.”

He was so... considerate. No one had ever cared about how Isak felt before, especially when they were fucking. But Even was always asking, and when Isak told him to do something, he acquiesced immediately. Sometimes Isak liked it when he took charge, pinning Isak's arms above his head and moving fast and deep, making Isak cry out on every thrust and wrap his legs around Even's waist just to stay in place. But no matter what, Isak was always in charge. Anything he asked for, he got. Sometimes he wanted this; slow sex with jokes and laughter and none of the seriousness that other times called for. Just whispering to each other and giggling, moving slow enough that it could last an hour. And sometimes he wanted what Even annoyingly called _making love._ Slow, rolling, silent but for gasps and the sliding of skin. Fingers linked, kissing the whole time.

“You know what?” Even asked, helping Isak move.

“What?” Isak asked. He had leaned forward to bury his face in the crook of Even's neck. He was getting exhausted, despite the power rush that riding brought.

“You're my favorite person.”

Isak blushed as he pulled back to look at Even. “Me?” he teased. “You like me the best?”

“Mmhm. No one can turn me on as much as you can, even when you're all drooly and grumpy when you wake up.”

“Ugh. This is awkward. I don't even come over here to see you.” He was still moving, clutching onto Even's shoulders for leverage. “I'm here to see Martin. Hoping to catch a glimpse of that hot body to get all hot and bothered before me and you fuck.”

“You mean before we...” he leaned close and said, “make love?”

Isak pushed his chest and groaned, “Fuck you! Ugh, that's the worst.”

“Well I've heard you say _got railed_ before, so--”

“I once knew a girl that said fididdled. Should I start saying that instead?”

  
**Wednesday**

He was happy. He was sleeping well, eating well. He was doing well in all his classes and spending his time with Even. His mom's hospital hadn't called him with an emergency in over a week, and his dad hadn't tried to contact him in a month. He was happy.

He and Even did the most annoying, in-love things. They ordered takeout and ate it in bed while a movie played. They kissed in the middle of the university library. They cooked together, they spent the night together, they wore each others' clothes more than their own. When all the guys were hanging out, they were in each others' laps, having whispered conversations.

Everyone pretended to be annoyed with them, but Isak knew that they weren't. It was a relief, if anything, that they were finally official.

“Even!” Isak called from the living room couch.

“Yeah, baby?” Even called back, in the kitchen.

“Can you get me some chips?”

“Sure, love.”

“Whipped,” everyone muttered, staring at the television.

When Even came back in with some potato chips for Isak, Isak stood up to make room for him on the couch and then sat in his lap. “Thank you, baby,” Isak said, kissing him deeply.

“You're welcome, baby.” He wrapped his arms around Isak's waist and pulled him closer until Isak was straddling him and kissing him as if there weren't five other people in the room.

“Get a room!” came five varying shouts, so Isak turned back around on Even's lap and sat sideways, burying his flushed face in Even's neck. He knew Even was smirking. Even was always smirking.

“You make me happy,” Isak said quietly, his voice further muffled by Even's neck. “You make me so happy.”

Even kissed the top of his head and held him close. “That's all I ever want to do. Make you happy.”

  
**Thursday**

**Sanasol**

Sanasol: _Take my advice?_

_Eva told me you're together._

 

Isak: _How did Eva find out?_

 

Sanasol: _Eskild. Of course. He's very proud._

 

Isak: _Yeah I know._

_I'm proud, too._

_He's hot._

 

Sanasol: _Do you like him a lot?_

 

Isak: _You really want to hear about this stuff?_

 

Sanasol: _I'm being a good friend you bitch_

 

Isak: _Why are you even friends with me_

 

Sanasol: _Isak just tell me how it's going or I'm leaving_

 

Isak: _It's going great._

_He told me he loves me_

_And I think I love him, too._

 

Sanasol: _This is weird for me to say_

_And if you ever talk about it again we're not gonna be friends_

_But I'm happy for you_

_And I'm proud of you_

 

Isak: _:')_

 

Sanasol: _Ugh_

 

**Kollektivet**

Eskild: _Did everyone see the cute picture of Isak and his delicious boyfriend_

 

Isak: _What?_

_What picture?_

 

Eskild: _Jonas sent it_

 

Isak: _Traitor_

 

Noora: _He is delicious_

_So tall_

 

Isak: _Traitor!_

 

Eskild: _You're lucky baby boy_

 

Isak: _I am_

 

Eskild: _Awwwwww <3 <3 :) :)_

 

Isak: _Don't do that_

 

Eskild: _Awwwwwwwwwwwww <3 <3 <3 :) :) :)_

 

Noora: _Are you officially together_

 

Isak: _We are_

 

Noora: _That's good_

_Is he good to you?_

 

Isak: _He is_

 

Noora: _Good. You deserve it Isak_

 

Isak: _Thank you Noora_

 

Linn: _Congrats on the dick, Isak_

 

Isak: _Miss you Linn_

 

Linn: _Yep_

 

**Even <3**

Even: _Come over, baby?_

 

Isak: _After class_

 

Even: _Can't wait :)_

 

Isak: _I'll be there in half an hour_

 

Even: _I'll order pizza_

 

Isak: _Thank you <3_

 

Even: _See you soon_

_Love you_

 

Isak: _Love you too <3_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: attempted rape/non-con, mentions of sex, non-explicit sex
> 
> Basically Nate's line on Friday ("Fuck, maybe I love you") is inspired by a similar line in I'm Not In Love (great great fic). While I've been planning this interaction since the 2nd chapter, having Nate claim that he had feelings for Isak when really he was just physically attracted to him needed to be addressed, since it was such a large part of Isak's past and problems with trust :)


	9. Week 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so much fluff you'll want to vomit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always thank you for reading! this chapter is a fluffy filler without any real purpose but hey some people might like that :)  
> watch out for ridiculous amounts of dialogue.  
> i love it when you guys talk to me! if you want to tell me what you'd like to see as we approach the last few chapters, or if you have any ideas for more fics, tell me in the comments or my lame little tumblr, supermansplaining <3  
> not proofread (what else is new)  
> hope you like it :)

**Friday**

“I thought we were gonna stay in tonight,” Isak whined, laying on Even's bed and watching him get dressed.

“We've been avoiding the guys for long enough, baby, we can spend an hour with them, right?” Even tossed Isak a sweater, one that fell halfway down his thighs.

“I'm not wearing your sex sweater!” Isak said, tossing it back.

“My sex sweater?” asked Even, laughing.

“That's the sweater I wear when I don't feel like wearing pants after sex. I shouldn't wear that in public. I'll just think about having sex with you the whole night.” He stood up and went to stand beside Even at the closet.

“That wouldn't be the worst thing,” Even said, taking a red hoodie off it's hanger and handing it to Isak.

“I don't want a boner that lasts an hour,” Isak answered, pulling on the sweatshirt.

Even gathered Isak against his chest and kissed his forehead. “You're cute. How'd I get such a cute boyfriend?”

“You chased after him for two months and called him baby a lot,” Isak said, tilting his chin up.

“And it worked,” Even said, giving him a kiss.

“It worked,” Isak agreed, smiling and kissing him again. And again and again and again until he was trying to drag Even back to bed, pushing his hands beneath Even's shirt.

“Babe!” Even said, grabbing his wrists to stop his explorations. “We're going. We said we were.”

Isak pouted. “ _You_ said we were. Maybe I'll just stay here and wait for you.”

“Yeah? And what would you do all alone here for an hour?” Even asked, wrapping his arms around Isak's waist.

“Lay in bed and think about you,” Isak tried, biting his lip and looking up.

Even shook his head with a smile. “Nice try. Look, we'll get milkshakes on the way home and then we can be alone all night, okay? Martin's staying with his girlfriend.”

“I don't want to be around the guys,” Isak said. “They never let us kiss without catcalling.”

“That's cause you're so fucking delicious,” Even said, smiling and biting Isak's earlobe.

Isak laughed and pushed him away. “Let's get this over with.”

They held hands all the time, now. They had arms around shoulders and arms around waists. Even's hand was attached to Isak's hip, or in his back pocket. Once he'd finally been able to touch Even, he couldn't get enough.

They walked in the back of the pack of boys, behind Jonas and Magnus and Mahdi and Anders and Martin. Isak had one arm around Even's waist, and Even had his arm across Isak's shoulders, holding his free hand.

“I think I'd like to see you in nothing but whipped cream,” Even was saying, resting his temple on Isak's head.

“I bet you would,” Isak answered. “Old perv.”

“Old?”

“Ancient.” Isak kissed his cheek. “I love you, old man.”

“I love you, too, baby boy.”

“Don't call me that,” Isak laughed, resting his head on Even's shoulder as they walked. It threw off his balance a little, but he did it anyways.

“Why not?”

“Because it's gross.”

“You don't want me to be your daddy?”

Isak blushed as Even laughed, and he said, “That's a conversation for another time, Even.”

They got to the party and immediately sat on the couch together to wait it out until they could go back home.

“Have a beer if you want one, Issy,” Even said.

“I hate beer. Beer's only worth it if you're getting drunk, and I don't want to get drunk.” He cuddled up to Even's side and laced their fingers together in Even's lap.

“I love you,” Even said, bringing Isak's fingers to his lips and kissing them.

“You say that too much.”

Even scoffed. “Impossible!”

“It's not! You say it so much it's just some more words! We have to have a special phrase for when you mean 'I love you' more than normal.”

“I love you all the time, though. I could say I love you ten million times and it wouldn't come close to how much I feel for you.”

Isak smiled, shaking his head at him. “My God. You're _such_ a dork.”

“A dork who loves you to death.”

Isak leaned close to him and said, “I want to suck this dork's dick in the bathroom,” then stood up and walked away, leaving Even to scramble after him.

  
**Saturday**

“Come dance with me, baby,” Even said.

Isak didn't know whose idea it was to go to a club, but since Eskild was conveniently there and able to meet the “precious boy toy of his favorite baby gay,” he assumed it was a coalition of many parts.

“I don't dance,” Isak said, staying seated on the barstool as Even pulled on his hand like a petulant child.

“Baby!” he whined.

“Even, you don't want to see me dance,” Isak said, tugging him in by his belt loops. “You won't like me anymore. It's completely unattractive. The opposite of sexy.”

“You could never be unattractive.” Even put his arms around Isak's neck and leaned their foreheads against one another. “Please, baby? Please? Please?”

“Even!”

“ _Please_ baby!”

“Fine, Jesus.”

The words were barely out of his mouth before Even was pulling him onto the dance floor, wedging between dozens of people.

As Even started moving around, not really dancing, just moving along with the flow of everyone around them, Isak just kind of stood there, watching him with a smile.

“You're not dancing,” Even said in his ear, moving so close they were flush against each others' fronts. Isak could feel the brush of his breath against his neck. “Dance with me.”

“I don't know how,” Isak said back, feeling breathless with his proximity.

Even took Isak's hands and moved his arms around Even's neck, pulling him closer. Isak still blushed, even after all this time, even after all that they'd done. Even wrapped his arms tight around Isak's waist, and there was no space separating them when Even nudged Isak's nose with his own and then pressed their lips together.

“I love you,” Even said in Isak's ear when they broke apart for air.

Isak didn't even realize he was being moved to the beat until Even spun them in a circle. Isak laughed and pressed against Even's chest and kissed him again. “I love you, too.”

“That's good,” Even said, moving his hands across Isak's back. Isak buried his fingers in Even's hair and smiled at him, tugging him in and kissing him again. He felt Even's hand move down his back and waist and onto his ass, and Isak arched his back to get closer to him.

“What are you trying to start, Bech Næsheim?” Isak asked, curling his hand around the nape of Even's neck and smiling at him.

“You're killing me, baby,” Even groaned.

“You're the one that wanted to dance,” Isak said, grinding his hips into Even's.

Even kissed his neck. “You're a tease.”

“That's me.”

Even could only be out on the dance floor for a few more minutes before he dragged Isak back to the bar and sat down at a table nearby, pulling Isak onto his lap.

“You think this is gonna help calm your dick down?” Isak asked, moving his ass against Even's lap.

Even dug his fingers into Isak's hips to still him and Isak smirked. “Jesus,” Even said, resting his forehead between Isak's shoulder blades. “Can't take you anywhere. You're a menace.”

Isak turned so that he was sitting sideways and could curl an arm around Even's neck. “You're adorable.”

“Babies!” came a shrill cry, and then Eskild was plopping down across from them. “How are you my lovelies?”

“Hi, Eskild,” Even said, all smiles, as Isak narrowed his eyes.

Eskild ignored Isak and said to Even, “Oh, God, you're all charm, aren't you? Are you treating my little godson well?”

“I'm trying,” Even said, as Isak leaned in and whispered, “It's a trick.”

“Because if you're not,” Eskild said, “there's a whole squad of people who only want the best for Issy.”

“Even treats me better than anyone,” Isak said. “Don't worry, guru.”

Eskild was smiling brightly. “Oh, God, that's so good, baby gay! And your first try with a relationship? You get this ray of sunshine?”

Isak smiled, resting his head against Even's. “He's alright.”

Even shrugged in agreement. “I'm alright,” he said, smiling up at Isak so brightly it was blinding, and Isak closed his eyes as he went in for the kiss.

  
**Sunday**

**Eva :)**

Eva: _You've been neglecting and ignoring me_

 

Isak: _Because you're a nosy gossip_

 

Eva: _Gossip??? Me???_

 

Isak: _Yeah???? I bet if I text Vilde and ask if she knows about this, she'll say yes._

 

Eva: _Could've been Sana I know you talk to her_

 

Isak: _Sana doesn't broadcast my shit to everyone._

_If Vilde knows it's cause of you_

 

Eva: _Well that's Vilde. I have to tell the girls_

 

Isak: _You have to? You HAVE to?_

 

Eva: _Yeah, they're my girls_

 

Isak: _They are, or Vilde is?_

 

Eva: _This isn't about me!!_

 

Isak: _Ugh what do you wanttttt_

 

Eva: _How's it going with mr. big hands?_

_You know what they say about big hands_

_;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)_

_Isak?_

 

Isak: _Jesus fuck why do I talk to you_

 

Eva: _Don't be rude!!_

_Answer the question!_

 

Isak: _It's going great_

_Perfect_

_I love him_

_Shut up_

 

Eva: _If you were here now you'd be able to hear my squeals_

 

Isak: _I know that's what my shut up was for_

_I know you better than anyone Mohn_

 

Eva: _And I know you're getting dicked down by a hottie_

 

Isak: _How do you know that?_

 

Eva: _Eskild showed me a picture_

 

**Eskild Tryggvason**

Isak: _Stop showing everyone that picture of me and Even!!!_

 

Eskild: _Whoops_

_;)_

 

**Even <3**

Even: _I miss you_

 

Isak: _Aw_

 

Even: _Aw???? You said aw???? Who are you?????_

 

Isak: _Fuck off_

_I meant to say you're just at work, you can't miss me_

_But my phone autocorrected_

 

Even: _I love you_

 

Isak: _That's interesting_

 

Even: _Is it?_

 

Isak: _Yeahhh_

 

Even: _I have a surprise for you_

 

Isak: _:)))) What kind of surprise???_

 

Even: _Well it's for a boy who loves me_

 

Isak: _Evennnnnn_

 

Even: _Hm?_

 

Isak: _What's my surprise??_

 

Even: _Your surprise?_

_I said it's for someone that loves me_

 

Isak: _Ugh_

_Baby_

_I love you_

 

Even: _Aw you're so sweet my love <33333333_

 

Isak: _Even!!!_

 

Even: _Fine._

_It's not that exciting of a surprise_

 

Isak: _Then wtf was all that buildup for?_

 

Even: _I just love it when you tell me you love me_

 

Isak: _Even_

_What's the surprise_

 

Even: _I made us an appointment at the student med center_

 

Isak: _?_

 

Even: _So we can get tested_

_And then hopefully fuck without condoms_

 

Isak: _:) Thanks baby_

 

Even: _It's tomorrow_

 

Isak: _Tomorrow?_

 

Even: _Yeah is that ok?_

 

Isak: _No it's fine I just_

_I'm not very good with hospitals and doctors and shit_

 

Even: _I'll be right there with you the whole time_

 

Isak: _Okay_

 

Even: _If you don't want to we don't have to. I'm fine using condoms if you are._

 

Isak: _I want to be able to do that with you_

_But I didn't wear condoms before_

_So I'm afraid that I'll find out I have something_

_And you won't want me anymore_

 

Even: _Baby you need to know_

_I love you so much_

_I'll want you for as long as you'll have me_

 

Isak: _Yeah?_

 

Even: _I promise_

 

Isak: _I love you_

 

Even: _I love you, too, baby_

 

Isak: _I'll go tomorrow_

 

Even: _Whatever you want <3_

 

Isak: _< 3_

  
**Monday**

“I hate it here,” Isak said, clasping Even's hand so tightly he didn't know how he was still functioning. His foot was tapping on the tiled floor and the walls were white and only a few of the other waiting room chairs were taken in the campus infirmary. “I hate this.”

“I know, baby.” Even pushed his hair back and kissed Isak's temple, but it didn't calm him down like it usually would. Isak didn't go to the doctor's office. He hadn't been in a waiting room like this since he was a kid. “We can push it back,” Even said quietly. Everything seemed too loud in so quiet a place. “We can wait a while, we'll just have to keep using condoms during that time. I don't mind.”

“No,” Isak said, shaking his head. “No, I want to do it today.”

Even kissed his cheek and whispered, “And then we can go back to mine and fuck all night, baby. Only a few more nights with condoms, we'll relish them.”

“Only if I'm clean,” Isak murmured, finally turning to look at him. Even's face softened and his mouth opened to say something that Isak didn't let him get in. “I've done so much, Even, I had so many issues. There's no way I don't have something. There's no way.”

“That's not true, honey. It's not.”

Isak was shaking as he was pulled into a hug over the arm rests of the plastic chairs. It wouldn't have been comfortable if it was with anyone else, but the warmth of Even made it worth it. “I slept with people I don't remember,” Isak said against his shoulder, hands curled into the back of his t-shirt. “Sometimes I was... blackout drunk, I was barely conscious. Sometimes I _wasn't_ conscious, Even, I don't know what these guys did to me. I didn't use a condom unless they did it themselves.”

“I know you're scared, baby.”

“Eskild made me get a test done when I was sixteen,” Isak continued. “I had chlamydia and it was fucking awful, Even, I felt like a whore--”

“Don't call yourself that, baby.” Even was rubbing his back and talking gently. “Please don't say that about yourself. I love you, no matter what the results are. I swear to God, baby, I do.” He pulled back and took Isak's face in his hands. “You're so perfect, love. You're amazing. It's not your fault, what happened to you, and liking sex doesn't make you any less of a person. Okay? Please believe me.”

Isak buried his face in the crook of Even's neck. He had told himself not to do this. Not to project his problems onto Even, not to burden him with these minor security issues. It was stupid, and unimportant, and Even had bigger things to worry about. “I don't deserve you.”

The last time he was in a white-tiled, white-walled room like this, he was seventeen. Eskild and Linn and Noora had taken him to the ER when he was found passed out on the sidewalk in front of their apartment. His clothes were torn and the air was cold and Eskild had been calling him for hours before grabbing his coat and going out to find him. He didn't have to look far. Isak was a quarter mile away from the apartment, passed out after walking home from a bar he'd blacked out in. When he woke up in the cab, his head in Eskild's lap and his feet in Linn's, he started crying because everything hurt.

He'd fought them when they tried to take him inside. His childhood was spent in emergency rooms. His mother would go when she sliced at her arms with the kitchen knives. Isak would go when she hurled objects at him as he walked through the front door, thinking he was his father, or when his dad got so frustrated that he hit him with a slap that split his skin so deep he needed stitches.

He couldn't fight, really. He was sore and bleeding and drunk and all kinds of high—weed and coke and pills that men had given him just because he'd take them. He begged his roommates to let him go. He begged them to take him home. But he was admitted immediately and his stomach was pumped and a rape kit was done but he didn't press charges. He didn't want to relive any of the night he couldn't remember, because it'd remind him of a hundred nights just like it.

“Isak Valtersen?”

Isak looked up, then looked at Even, who smiled and took his hand and helped him up. They followed the nurse slowly, and Isak had to stop outside the door to slow his breathing before he walked into the room.

“Are you...” the nurse looked at one of her other clipboards and finished, “Even?”

“Yes, ma'am, we're both getting tests done,” Even said. “I called and they said that couples can be tested together.”

“Yep!” she chirped. Isak jumped at the volume of it. “But you'll be called with the results separately, and when you get them in the mail, they'll be addressed separately.”

Isak nodded and saw Even nod beside him. Isak was still clutching his hand with a white-knuckled grip, and Even gently tugged him to the examination that Isak eyed warily before climbing on. Even sat next to him and let him hold onto him so hard it probably hurt. Isak didn't want to hurt him but he couldn't himself detach, either.

The nurse took their pulses and blood pressure, making Isak disconnect his hand from Even's for brief seconds at a time. Then she gave them questionnaires to answer and left the room, and Isak stared blankly at the questions that Even was able to answer without trouble.

“I can't answer some of these,” he said. “I don't know... vaccination history, or number of sexual partners.”

“That's okay,” Even said, putting a reassuring hand on Isak's knee and squeezing. “Just answer what you can. Use estimates if it asks for a number, okay?”

Isak nodded, swallowing thickly, and Even kissed him and said, “Everything's gonna be fine, baby.”

“Okay,” Isak said hoarsely. Isak tipped his paper to Even. “Do you think I should check this box for... for domestic violence?”

Even nodded hesitantly and pressed a kiss into Isak's hair. “I'm so sorry, love.”

Isak was getting better at admitting it. The violence. He was getting better at talking about it, and not blaming himself. Because Even wouldn't let him blame himself, and he'd coax Isak into talking it through when he had nightmares or panic attacks or bad days when he couldn't sleep at all. So, yes, he checked the box for being a victim of domestic violence. Because while he'd never been in an abusive monogamous relationship, his father had swung with a heavy handed discipline and his mother had mistakenly hurt him and the men he'd slept with had hit him and choked him and knocked him out. His whole fucking life had been violence.

Until Even.

Isak got to think that he deserved better for the first time ever.

The doctor came in this time and greeted the two of them with a smile and Isak was holding Even's hand again, but a little more relaxed. “STI testing?” she asked, taking the questionnaires from them and skimming them. Even's reflected the normal sex life of a twenty-one-year-old male. Isak's was a confused, scratched-out mess of sexual violence and bad decisions.

“Okay,” the doctor said after a quick review, setting the clipboards aside and looking at the two boys with clasped hands, sitting on the stool in front of the computer. “Based on these, Isak, you are at a bit of higher risk for an STI than Even, here, but I don't want you to be discouraged. Okay?”

Isak nodded, feeling himself start to tremble.

“And it doesn't mean anything,” she hastened to say. “I don't want you to worry. There's no guarantee you will or won't have an STI. And there are many curable ones, and most are treatable. You can have a healthy sex life no matter what.”

“Thank you,” Even said when Isak couldn't do anything, letting Isak's grip on his hand tighten back to its original strength.

“I'm sorry,” Isak said quietly. “I'm... nervous at the doctor's.”

“That's okay. Don't worry about it.” She probably wanted to say, _Yeah, you don't fucking say, I can see by this record of your sexual life that you should have spent most of your life in a hospital room,_ and she wouldn't have been wrong.

She drew some of their blood and labeled the containers and Isak could finally relax against his boyfriend's side.

Until the doctor said, “You know, we have very comprehensive psychiatric care here. And it's all free—included for everyone enrolled in the school.”

She acted like she was talking to both of them, but Isak knew she was talking to him. Of course he needed help. But his mother needed it more, and Even needed it more, and Isak could wait to sort out his problems so as not to stress them, and to be there for them. He knew he needed help, but he wasn't going to look for it.

  
**Tuesday**

“Lets get a dog,” Even said, sitting on the couch and running his hand up and down Isak's arm as they watched the boys play a drinking game.

“I'm a cat person,” Isak said, head on Even's shoulder. “And I've known you for two months.”

“Two months is plenty of time, but I can't date you anymore if you're a cat person. Although it does make sense.”

“Hm?” Isak said, comfortable against Even's side. “Why's it make sense?”

“Cats are bitchy and temperamental. They're grouchy.”

“You're not making me out to be very flattering,” Isak said, turning his chin to rest on Even's shoulder. “You better be careful.”

“They're also super cute when they've found their person,” Even said, running his palm down Isak's back. “And you're always rubbing your face on things like a cat.”

Isak laughed. “I do not!”

Magnus said, “Never have I ever had sex with a redhead,” at a really loud volume, and Isak and Even sat on the floor to join the game with their bottles of water instead of bottles of beer.

With Isak in the game, the statements became incredibly specific, especially from Jonas. “Never have I ever jumped out of a third floor window wearing Nike Airs.” “Never have I ever fallen down the stairs while reading a news article on Donald Trump.” “Never have I ever fucked in Nissen's boys bathroom between French and Biology.”

“Fuck all of you,” Isak said, taking sips from his water bottle.

“I'm finding out a lot about you,” Even said, arm around Isak's waist.

“Not things you need to know,” Isak said.

“Don't pout,” Even said, laughing and kissing frown lines off of Isak's forehead.

“Yeah, let's make fun of Even,” Martin said. “Never have I ever eaten seven donuts in one sitting.”

“I don't like this game,” Even said, taking Isak's hand and moving them back to the couch.

“Hey, can I ask a question?” Magnus said, looking at the couple on the sofa.

“Depends,” Isak said, one hand on Even's knee as they leaned into each other.

“It's a sex question,” Magnus clarified. “And Isak's weird about talking about sex, even though it's the thing he's done most in the world, so I'm asking Even.”

“Fuck you,” Isak said.

“What's your question, Mags?” Even said.

“Who's better at blowjobs?” Magnus asked, which was not at all what Isak thought he was going to ask.

“Like, between me and Isak?” Even asked. “That'd be Isak.”

“Aw,” Isak said, kissing his cheek. “Thanks, baby.”

Even caught his lips in a kiss and said, “Mm, you're welcome.”

“Okay, but, then, who's better at the sex?” Magnus asked.

“Sex is a two-person activity, Mags,” Isak said. “You both have to be good at it for the sex to be good. And we're great.”

Even gave him a high five and put his arm around Isak, smiling down at him.

  
**Wednesday**

Isak woke up in the middle of the night. The bed was empty, and it hadn't been when he fell asleep. After glancing around the room in the dark, slowly recalling where he'd fallen asleep, and noticing the empty space beside him that should have been full, he sat up beneath the covers. Even wasn't in the room. Martin wasn't in his bed, but that was because Anders was with a Tinder girl for the night, and no one really wanted to share a room when both Isak and Even were in it.

“Even?” he kind of whisper-yelled, before standing up in a borrowed pair of sweatpants and one of Even's sweatshirts and making his way through the bedroom door.

He couldn't really explain the feeling of waking up alone. Some mild sort of panic, or the small shift that said, _Something's not quite right._ Something, clearly, that was pressing enough to push Isak into the hallway towards a light on in the kitchen, and when he got there Even was sipping water from a plastic cup. Isak let out a breath. His heart had been beating quickly.

Logically, he knew that Even wouldn't have left his own house simply to get away from Isak in the middle of the night. But few of Isak's fears with relationships fit nicely into logical lines.

He didn't want to scare Even but he also didn't really know how to announce his presence at 3:44 am, so he just timidly said, “Even?” and watched him jump half a foot and spin around.

“Fuck, you scared me,” Even said quietly before smiling at him. Isak smiled back and walked over to him, linoleum cold against his bare feet. “What are you doing up? Did I wake you?”

Isak shook his head and leaned up to kiss him. “I just got a little worried. I don't know. It's nothing.”

Even handed him the water glass, circling his arms around Isak's waist, and asked in that unconvinced way of his, “Are you sure?”

“Baby, my abandonment issues have nothing to do with you.” Isak smiled, and Even did, too, after the moment it took to realize it was a joke. “You didn't do anything wrong. Don't worry.” The glass was set on the table with a hollow noise that sounded loud, and Isak's arms looped around Even's neck.

“Okay,” Even said slowly. “If you're sure.

“I'm sure. I'm sorry. I'm going back to bed.”

Even followed him back to his bedroom and laid down.

“Come over here and spoon me,” Isak mumbled into the pillow.

Even settled down behind him, trailing his palm down Isak's side to rest on his hip. “I don't like spooning,” he murmured against the back of Isak's neck, and Isak grumbled out a tired, “Why not?”

“Because I get a boner,” Even mumbled into his shoulder. “It's embarrassing. You can feel it.”

“Mmhm,” Isak said, smiling with his eyes closed. “And I love it. It's an ego boost. I like grinding my ass back.”

“You do that on purpose?”

“I do. Now turn around, you can be the little spoon. When you wake up with morning wood, I'll take care of you.”

  
**Thursday**

“I gotta go to work,” Isak said as Even kissed his neck.

“No,” Even mumbled.

“Yes.”

Even made a disappointed sound and dropped his forehead to Isak's shoulder. “Why?”

“So I can pay rent.” He pushed Even's head away and stood up. “I'll come back later.”

“When?”

“When the lab's finished and I've cleaned up.”

“I'll come with you,” Even said, watching Isak look in his closet for a jacket. He'd come wearing one, but he liked wearing Even's, better. He felt cared for and possessed, like he belonged to someone.

“I don't trust you around chemicals. Besides, the school's got stricter rules than the bookstore. You can wait three hours to see me again.” Isak had a scarf in one hand and a beanie pulled over his head. “I'll bring home food.”

“From where?” Even grumbled like a mildly interested child who was trying his hardest to stay mad.

“From the Chinese place down the street. Yeah?”

Even looked up as if thinking about this. Seeing if it was a viable peace offering. Isak watched him and searched his pockets for his stuff.

“That's fine,” Even finally said.

“Great. Can you call my phone?” Isak asked, picking through the bedsheets. “I lost it.”

“You lose everything all the time,” Even answered, pulling his phone from his pocket. “Go look in the living room, I'll check in here.”

“Thanks, baby.” Isak gave him a kiss before leaving, because they were that couple now. The couple that kissed before leaving the room. The couple that said, “I love you,” at the end of every conversation. The couple that smiled at the mere mention of their boyfriend.

Isak tried to listen for the ringing, but was only out in the living room for a second before Even called him back into the bedroom, holding both of their phones.

“Is?” he said.

Isak took one look at his face before saying, “What's wrong?”

“I didn't mean to look,” Even promised, handing the phone back. “I just... I saw that you have a heart next to my name and it was so cute so I looked at it but... but you have a text.”

Confused, Isak glanced down at his phone screen and saw a notification.

_Think you actually changed? You're the same whore you always were._

“Even--”

“No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have looked.”

“Baby, it's nothing,” Isak said, though his throat always closed when he got these. “They're just... I just get them sometimes. It doesn't mean anything.” He felt dangerously close to tears. This had been his one secret. No one—not Jonas, not Eskild, not his mother—no one knew about these texts except Isak himself. And now he was going to burden Even, who had so much to worry about already, with this problem that was only full of empty threats. “I'm sorry,” Isak said, voice breaking. “I'm sorry. I didn't want you to see that. But it's nothing. I can handle it.”

“Isak--”

“I'm sorry.”

“Baby! Baby, it's okay.” He pulled Isak into his chest. “There's nothing to apologize for.”

“I haven't told them to stop--”

“That's not your responsibility,” Even said, rubbing Isak's back. “You don't have to tell them to stop. They shouldn't be sending them in the first place. They have no right.”

“They're all people I've fucked before--”

“So what?” Isak was looking up at him and Even cupped his face in both hands. “There's nothing wrong with you. You haven't done anything wrong. No one should ever treat you like that, and no one should ever talk to you like that. You deserve the world, my love.” He kissed Isak and smoothed his thumbs over his cheekbones. “I'll give it to you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> expect the next chapter either tuesday or wednesday <3


	10. Week 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I literally just don't know how to write these things that's why they suck i am 100% against spoilers i'm so sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> over 1000 kudos and 200 bookmarks and 150 comments and holy shit i can't believe this is my first fic anymore the response has been so good i feel like i've been doing this forever!  
> ahhhh i'm so glad people like this!  
> please please talk to me it's my encouragement to get the chapters out faster <3 in the comments or at supermansplaining on tumblr where i'll also post when to expect the next update and answer questions and take requests and all that jazz (still the worst blog in the world god bless)  
> Trigger warnings in end notes  
> Enjoy my loves!

**Friday**

“Isak!” exclaimed some guy Isak didn't know, coming up to him as he was leaning back against Even in the house party living room.

“Hey!” Isak said, as if he knew him.

“Have a beer, man!”

“No, thanks,” Isak said over the music. “I'm good.”

“You don't drink?” the guy asked.

“No, not really,” Isak said, and Even squeezed his hips from behind. “Thanks, though.”

“No problem, man. You're awesome, though.” The guy pointed to Even, exclaimed, “Tall guy!” and left.

Isak turned around in Even's arms and put his hands on Even's chest. “Tall guy!” he said, standing on his toes to kiss him. “You know, before you came along, I was the tall guy.”

“You're a little baby,” Even said, swaying them side to side. “You're a tiny little kid.”

“Don't be weird, Even!” Isak said, laughing. “I'm thirsty. Do you want a soda?”

“Mm. No. Caffeine's not great for me. Just some water will be fine.” He kissed Isak's forehead. “Thank you, baby.”

Isak went to the tap in the kitchen to fill up a Solo cup and grab a Coke from the fridge, and when he stepped back into the living room he saw a girl leaning against the wall next to Even and engaging him in a conversation that attracted all of Even's attention.

Insecurities returned. Despite how much he knew Even loved him, that Even wouldn't chase him for weeks and then ditch him as soon as a pretty girl came around, his entire logical view shattered as soon as the first little thought entered his mind. _I'm not enough_.

Even laughed at something the girl said, throwing his head back and baring his neck. Isak's stomach dropped. There were so many people who could make Even happier than Isak could. So many normal people, people without trauma, people who could love and be loved without thinking it through late at night—what it meant to be loved after years without it.

He was so caught in his thoughts that he didn't notice when Even came up beside him, and he jumped and dropped the cup of water in his hand when Even said, “Hey, handsome.”

“Fuck, Even,” he said, not looking in Even's eyes. “I dropped your water. Let me go get you another one.”

“Hey, baby.” Even caught Isak's wrist as he tried to turn away, and Isak flinched so hard Even took a step back, eyes wide. “Isak?”

“I'm sorry,” Isak said, clutching onto the Coke can in both hands. He didn't move forward. Even probably didn't want him to. He'd just jerked away as if one of the people he trusted most in the world was trying to hurt him. He'd just proved how fucked up he was. There was only so much of watching someone you love go through shit before the person leaves. “I'm sorry, Even.”

“You don't have to be sorry, love,” Even said. “Are you okay?”

“I just....” He waved his arm around. “Quick movements. It's nothing. You didn't do anything wrong.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure.”

“So I can... touch you?” Even asked.

Isak nodded, but he kept seeing Even talking to that girl as he pulled him into a hug. They hadn't been doing anything. The entire interaction had been completely innocent. Isak knew that Even would never cheat on him, he knew that when Even said, “I love you,” he meant it completely.

“You're so tense, baby. What's the matter?”

Even didn't deserve to hear all about Isak's stupid, illogical insecurities. Not when he was nothing but great and kind and patient with Isak. Isak couldn't tell him that seeing Even with a girl made fear flare up, because Even would never do anything to betray Isak's trust.

“I'm sorry,” Isak murmured, letting himself melt into Even's embrace. “I'm sorry, I'm just.... It's nothing.”

“Okay.” Even pressed a kiss to the side of Isak's head and rubbed his back. “I'm here when you want to talk. I'll always be here.”

“I know you will.”

“I'll wait forever.”

Isak pulled back and smiled, a hand on Even's cheek. “I know you will.”

  
**Saturday**

“You don't have to come if you're uncomfortable,” Even said as they walked to the apartment's front door. “You can wait here for when I come back, and we can spend some time together then.”

“No, I want to do this for you,” Isak said, pulling their coats from the hooks by the door. “You do everything for me, I want to do this for you.” He pressed his hands against Even's chest and leaned up to kiss him before pulling his jacket on. “It's just a doctor's office, right?”

“I know you don't like them, though,” Even said. He wrapped a scarf around Isak's neck and kissed his nose.

Isak smiled, wrinkling up his nose. “It's just the waiting room. For diligent boyfriends to wait for their pretty boyfriends to get out of therapy. I can handle the waiting room. And I go see my mom all the time. The waiting room of a therapist is better than my mom's hospital room.”

“As long as you're comfortable,” Even said, arms around Isak's waist as they nudged their noses together.

“I'll be right there when you get out,” Isak said. “That'll make it worth waiting. Seeing you.”

“I love this sappy Isak,” Even said, kissing him. “And I'm glad you're coming. It means a lot.”

Isak kissed him back. “I'm glad you asked me to go. I'm glad you trust me.”

“I'm glad you love me.”

“Is this some kind of competition?” Isak asked, laughing.

“No. If it was, I'd win,” Even said, nipping at his neck so that Isak pushed his head away with a hand over his face.

“Let's go,” Isak said, taking his hand. “You're gonna be late.”

“Alright. Let's do it.” Even walked with him out of the apartment and locked the door behind him. “We can get food on the way home and take a walk. Get kebab in the park?”

“That sounds nice,” Isak said, holding onto Even's arm as they walked to the tram stop.

“Yeah? Get some hot chocolate afterwards?”

Isak smiled. “Yeah.” They stood at the bus stop hanging off of each other as the wind blew cold against them. “Are you okay?” Isak asked, placing a hand on Even's cheek. “Warm enough?”

“Yeah,” Even said, amusement written on his face. “I think I'm bundled up enough.”

Isak took hold of Even's jacket lapels and looked down at all the layers between them. “You're such a fucking hipster.”

“Mm. That's why you love me. I won you over with this hipster look. With the art, and the guitar.”

“Oh! The art! We're dating now, baby, I get to see the drawings you supposedly made of me.” He stood on his toes to kiss Even and Even laughed at his excitement.

“Yeah, I'll show you tonight. You're gonna be blown away, my love.”

Isak smiled, nestling his nose into the crook of Even's neck. “Is that your favorite name for me?”

“What? Love?” Isak nodded, pulling back to rest his forehead against Even's. “It's up there. But I think I like 'baby' best.”

“Mmhm. I know you do.”

Even smiled and kissed him. “What do you like?”

Isak pursed his lips and thought about this. “I like _calling_ you baby, but I like it when you call me sweetheart. I like it when you call me anything. Just hearing your voice is sexy.”

“You're sexy.” Even kissed him as the bus approached.

“Don't tell anyone we did that cheesy shit!” Isak said, standing up and holding onto the rail as Even sat in the seat next to him. “We're not gonna be that couple.”

“Hate to break it to you, _sweetheart_ ,” Even said, “but we are that couple.”

“Yeah, but _they_ don't need to know that.”

“Who is 'they'?” Even asked, endless amusement on his face.

“Everyone. I don't know. I only want you to see me so sappy. No one else gets to.”

“No one else better get to.”

Isak leaned down and kissed him, then straightened up, Even's hand resting on his hip, and that's how they rode all the way to the doctor's office, Even's thumb rubbing circles into Isak's side.

When they exited the bus in front of a row of buildings, Even took his hand again and led him down the sidewalk. So unlike the child he once was, Isak felt pride at having this handsome man attached to his side. He wanted everyone to look at them. He wanted everyone to notice that they were couple. He was proud of something in his life, finally, that wasn't straight A's that meant nothing.

“You're so pretty, baby,” Even said, pulling Isak's thoughts back to the present.

“You say that all the time,” Isak answered, swinging their hands between them. “It's starting to lose meaning.”

“Well what am I supposed to do? Not comment on it when you look absolutely beautiful?”

“This is the kind of shit no one can ever hear us say,” Isak said. “In case you needed more clarification.”

“This is the building. You okay?”

“I'm okay. Are you okay?”

Even kissed his forehead. “I'm okay.” They went inside and up to the office suite that Even's therapist owned.

“Hi, Even,” the man at the front desk said, typing on his computer. “How are you today?”

“I'm alright. This is my boyfriend, Isak.”

Isak smiled when the receptionist looked at him. “Hello, Isak.”

“Hi,” Isak said shyly.

“Isn't he beautiful?” Even asked, hand on Isak's waist.

The man laughed as Isak blushed. “Very. Are you ready to see Ingrid?”

“Yeah. Yeah, Isak's gonna wait in here with you, is that alright?”

“It's fine,” the man said.

Isak kissed Even. “Have fun, baby. I'll be here when you're done.”

“Love you,” Even said.

“Love you, too.” Isak watched Even walk inside and then glanced around the room, avoiding the receptionist who was already ignoring him. He sat in one of the soft armchairs and thought about how he was supposed to kill an hour alone, waiting for Even.

The place really wasn't that bad. It didn't look like a hospital, it didn't look like his mother's facility. But it was a doctor's office. It was a place that fixed people's minds. It was a place Isak belonged. He hated the thought. He hated the place.

But he couldn't tell Even that he was uncomfortable. Even had asked him to come with so much vulnerability all over his face. He had trusted Isak enough to ask him to come to the place where he felt his most defenseless. If Isak told him that he felt awful here, for his stupid reasons, then Even would think that he was upset that he was sick. Upset that Even needed to go to a place like this.

And Isak wasn't. Isak loved him. He would no matter what.

So if he needed to keep pretending he was okay, he would. He always would.

  
**Sunday**

“Wow, how nice do you guys look?” Jonas asked, walking into the bedroom as Isak and Even were getting dressed. “No pink t-shirt tonight, Issy?”

Isak threw him a middle finger as he tried to button his shirt.

“Date night,” Even said, smiling at Jonas as Jonas grabbed his political science books. “We're going out to a nice restaurant on our first ever date.”

“First ever?” said Jonas, watching Even smack Isak's hands away so he could button his shirt for him.

“We kind of just drifted into a relationship from a friendship,” Even said. “So I'm taking my baby on a date.”

“Don't say that, Even,” Isak said. “We talked about this. We talked about how cheesy we're allowed to be around others.”

“It's just Jonas,” Even said.

“It's just me,” Jonas agreed. He shook Even's hand before leaving, calling, “Have him back by one!” over his shoulder.

“Yes, sir,” Even said.

“Bye, dad,” Isak called.

Even came up behind him and kissed behind his ear, arms going around his waist. “You look amazing.”

“ _You_ look amazing,” Isak said. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah. Can't wait to buy you steak and lobster and crème brulee.” Even kissed him all over his face until Isak was laughing. “Gonna treat you so good, baby. Treat you like you should always be treated.”

Isak smiled up at him. “You're the best.”

“Mmhm. Come on, let's go catch the bus.”

Isak's good mood diminished. The words that came out were whined against his will. “Can't we take the car? Please, Even?”

“Isak--”

“Even!” he whined, fully meaning to, now. “It's date night! We're going on a date! You're supposed to drive me on a date!” He was two seconds away from stomping his feet.

Even huffed out a sigh, laughed through it, and ultimately didn't argue. “Fine. I think I left it in your parking lot anyways. Let's go.”

Isak kissed Even's cheek. “You spoil me.”

“That's what you deserve.”

“You don't even let me act like a brat,” Isak said. “Because you give in immediately. You're the biggest pushover ever.”

Even smiled as they put on their jackets. “You want me to fight you, more?”

“No. It was just an observation. I like getting my way.” He'd never gotten his way, before. He had a feeling that Even knew that. He had a feeling that it was half of the reason why Even was so easy and acquiescent with him. And it was paying off. Isak was learning how to trust. He was learning how to love. He was learning how to ask for things without expecting rejection.

Even's car was in Isak's parking lot from the last time he'd driven over in the middle of the night after the trams stopped running. He held the door open for Isak, who rolled his eyes before sitting down.

“Ready to go?” Even asked, when he was seated in the driver's seat. He had his hand on Isak's thigh as he started the car. “I'm so ready for our first date.”

“I'm so ready for it, too,” Isak said, smiling into the kiss he gave Even. “Thank you.” He placed his hand on top of Even's and leaned back in his seat to watch Even's profile while he drove. He looked good, driving. Maybe they'd have sex in the car, later. It'd been a long time since he'd had sex in a car.

“What are you gonna get to eat?” Even asked.

“Even,” Isak said, turning in his seat. “Is this gonna cost a lot? I don't want you to spend a lot of money on me.”

“Babe,” Even said, “I get money from my parents every month. You don't have to worry. I want to treat you to this.”

“Are you sure?”

“Isak, you don't have any money, love.” Even brought their laced fingers to his lips and kissed Isak's knuckles. “And, this might be selfish of me, but I don't want to have to wait until you spontaneously come into money before we go on a date, okay?”

Isak smiled. He was so full of shit.

“Thanks, baby,” Isak said. “I know you're lying, and I appreciate it.”

Even kissed his fingers again, smiling to himself, and they pulled up to a city street and parked a block away from the restaurant they had a reservation for. _A reservation_. Isak smiled and held Even's hand as they walked to the building.

“You look so good,” Even said, kissing his forehead. “I'm so lucky.”

Isak blushed and hung onto his arm, feeling proud and happy.

The restaurant was ridiculous and Isak felt guilty again. Even shouldn't have to pay for all of this just because Isak was poor. Even must have felt Isak holding on tighter, because he kissed his forehead and said, “Don't worry, baby.” To the man at the front, he said, “We have a reservation. Bech Næsheim.”

Hearing Even say that was a huge turn on. He sounded so grown up and responsible. As the waiter lead them to a table, Isak leaned into his ear and whispered, “I kinda like having a sugar daddy.”

Even coughed, face flushing, and Isak smiled as he took his seat across from Even at the little table.

Even ordered them wine. He ordered appetizers and entrees and dessert and he paid the bill without letting Isak look at it.

Isak felt like he deserved this. Like he could have it. Like it was something in his life that wouldn't have to be destroyed just because it was the way the world worked. When he looked across the table at Even he felt like he could make this work.

  
**Monday**

Isak fell asleep on Even's shoulder in the train. He hadn't been getting a lot of sleep. He'd spent most nights with Even and they'd been staying up late. They'd been having sex, talking, playing video games, watching movies. Isak didn't want to miss a single second he could be spending with Even.

But on the train to his mother's hospital, Even allowed him to sleep.

When he woke up, Even's fingers were still moving through his hair. He looked up groggily, raising his head from Even's shoulder and smiling at him. “Hi.”

“Hi, gorgeous,” Even said, kissing his cheek. “Sleep well?”

“Yeah, sorry.” He sat up straighter, rubbing at his eyes. “Having fun?”

Even smiled, smoothing Isak's hair back with the arm he had around Isak's shoulders. “Yeah. I guess. I mean, as much fun as you can have on a train while your boyfriend's dead weight on your shoulder.”

Isak smiled and leaned back into him. “Thank you for coming. The nurses say that she's excited to meet you.”

“I'm excited to meet her,” Even said.

“She can be pretty distant sometimes. But I can usually get through to her.” Even trailed fingers over Isak's side. “The hospital staff put her on a lot of medications she doesn't need. There's one that controls the paranoia, and one that's an antipsychotic, and they both work to control her moods, and they're doing good for her. But they also have her on this stuff that just makes her completely... numb. So she's easier to control.” He looked up at Even. “I understand why you don't want to be on medication.”

“You do?” Even asked.

“Yeah. You said it makes you feel bad. Makes you feel... less. I wouldn't want you to have to feel less just because it makes you... 'easier'.” He kissed Even's shoulder. “You have something that works for you. Therapy, and your rules.”

Even smiled, rubbing his back. “You don't mind that I'll have more episodes than people on lithium?”

“No,” Isak said. “You said they're not often, and they're not severe. Even they were all the time and off the rails, I'd stay.” Isak smiled.

“My depressive episodes are more severe than my manic ones,” Even said. “You'll be sad when they happen.”

“You'll be sadder,” Isak said, and pressed a kiss against his cheek. “The least I can do is be there for you.”

“I love you,” Even said, smiling into the kiss he gave him.

“I love you, too,” Isak said. He looked out the window. “We're almost there. I'm not sure how she'll react. She can sometimes be really upset, and I don't know why. I mean, she has her reasons, but she doesn't explain them very well.”

“That's okay,” Even said. “Sometimes I don't want to explain myself, either. I understand.”

Isak smiled at him. “I think she'll love you.”

Even smiled and kissed the top of his head. They sat in silence until the train rolled up to their stop, wrapped up in each other and staring out the window at the passing countryside.

“This is us,” Isak said, standing and leading Even to the doors. “You ready?”

“I'm ready.” They walked to the hospital and into the reception area to give their names to the girl at the desk.

“Have a seat,” she said. Isak was never sure if anyone here actually recognized him. They seemed so uninterested, even though he was there all the time. They never greeted him, by name or otherwise, and they always asked who he was related to when he came in.

Isak reached up to play with Even's hair, combing his fingers through it, all soft and without style. He was parting it, making himself laugh, when the nurse appeared in the hallway to take them through. Isak quickly fixed Even's hair and stood up, pulling Even with him.

His mother was sitting on her bed. She had lost weight again. She was pale again. But she smiled when she saw Isak, and stood up on shaky legs, holding onto the back of a chair to keep her balance.

“Hey, Mamma,” Isak said, pulling her into a hug. She came up to his chin. “It's good to see you. I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” she said, pulling back and touching his face. “You look good. You look happy.”

“I am happy,” he said, smiling. “This is Even.”

She stepped forward and hugged him, too, looking even more dwarfed. “It's nice to meet you, Even,” she said.

“It's nice to meet you, too, Miss Valtersen, I've heard a lot about you,” Even said. Isak helped her sit back down, and pulled up a chair across from her for Even. Isak sat down next to his mother.

“How are you feeling, Mamma?” Isak asked, holding her hand.

“Oh, I'm okay,” she said, smiling at him. It looked forced. “I want to hear about you. How are you?”

“I'm good,” Isak said, smiling. He ran his thumb over the back of his mother's hand. “I'm happy. School's good, and the boys are good.” He smiled at Even. “Even's good.”

“I'm so glad,” she said, and while her voice was weak, her affections were sincere.

“Yeah?” Isak said. “That means the world, Mamma.”

“Even,” she said, and Even smiled from his seat across from them. “What do you do?”

“I'm an art student,” Even said. “I paint and draw and stuff. And I hang out with Isak.”

“We went on a date last night,” Isak said, catching his mom's attention in an attempt to draw out a true smile. He knew that she was happy for him, but she was weighed down by everything else. “Even took me to this place with reservations. Where we had to wear button-downs and nice pants and stuff.”

She smiled. “That sounds lovely.”

“It was,” Even said, smiling.

“There are so many places in the city, now, Mamma, that you didn't get to see before,” Isak said, rubbing down her arm. “Maybe we can arrange a visit. I can come pick you up and you can spend the day with me back in Oslo.”

“The hospital doesn't do that,” came a voice from the hallway, and Isak noticed that one of the nurses had been standing there the whole time. “Patients aren't allowed off the property until they're discharged or taken out by a family member. No day trips.”

“Well it's not a fucking prison,” Isak said. “She can't spend a day outside? If she's with family?”

“It's against the rules.”

“Want to go for a walk, Mamma?” Isak asked, turning back to her before he lost it. “We can show Even the gardens.”

“I'd like that,” she said, smiling as the boys helped her up, one gripping each arm and helping her walk.

Isak helped her into her coat as Even held her steady, and he grabbed a blanket to take with them.

“Have you been eating okay?” Isak asked, when she was steady enough on her feet to walk with her arm linked through his.

“I've been trying,” she answered. “It's hard.”

Even had moved to Isak's other side, walking with his hands in his pockets, and he said, “I understand that. It takes more than you have, sometimes. I know how hard it can be.”

Isak smiled at him, and when he looked back, his mom was smiling, too. The closest to a real smile he'd seen yet. Even held the door to the gardens open so that Isak and Marianne could pass through together.

“Isak?” Marianne asked. When Isak looked at her, she said, “Have you had a chance to talk to your dad? About changing hospitals?”

Isak sighed. “I'm trying. He won't listen to me. He won't answer my texts if they're about you. I haven't been able to talk with him in over a month.” At the defeated look on her face, he hastened to say, “I'll call him tomorrow. Okay? I'll call til he picks up. And I found a really good one that I'll talk to him about.”

She brightened. It wasn't much, she still looked haggard and weak, but not so discomfited. Isak smiled at it, and beamed up at Even. Because sometimes getting his mom's demeanor to lift took weeks of visits.

They sat on a bench in the garden full of dead rose bushes, and Isak pulled the blanket over the three of them, wedged between his mom and Even.

“How long have you two known each other?” she asked.

“A little over two months,” Isak said. “We've only been technically dating for a few weeks, though. Even's been patient with me.”

“I'm lucky I got him at all,” Even said. “I would've waited forever.”

His mother smiled at that. “He's good for you, baby,” she said to Isak.

Isak smiled. “I know.”

  
**Tuesday**

It took him fifteen minutes to work up the courage to call his father, and when he did he had to ring him three times before the man finally picked up.

“Isak,” he said in greeting.

“Hi, Pappa, I wanted to talk to you about Mamma.” He sat down on his bed and his leg started shaking against the floor. His dad made him more nervous than anyone. It was he who had started the change of atrocious events in Isak's life.

“What is it?” he said, which was more than Isak thought he would get.

“I found this really good hospital for her. It's not that much more money, and it's a lot better. She'd get to keep her own phone, not use the hospital one. And there'd be activities and stuff, and a lot of different therapists that she could try if she didn't like the first one she's assigned. And she'd get to decorate her room, and go on trips and stuff. I could help with the expense. I could pay the difference between the old hospital and this one, even.”

His father didn't say anything.

“Pappa?”

“She's okay where she is, Isak. A change would only stress her out.”

“She's not okay, Pappa! How could you say that!” Isak was dangerously close to yelling, and there were three other people in the apartment, so he quieted himself. “They drug her so much she can't function! She wouldn't be stressed out, she asked me yesterday to talk to you about it. Please, Pappa, she hates it there! She can't live there. It's not a life.”

“It's what she needs,” he answered. His voice was always so fucking calm. _You're the reason I don't feel anything, you piece of shit._ “She needs order, and people to watch her all the time.”

“No she doesn't. She's stable, now, Pappa, she's got the medicine sorted out. But they're giving her too much. They're making her... numb. She hates it there. They won't let her feel anything, they won't let her be her own person. She needs to learn how to live on her own if she's gonna get better--”

“She's not getting better, Isak!” he yelled. “She's sick! Okay? There's nothing to do about it!”

“Yes there is! _You_ just won't do anything about it! She had her problems when I was younger but she's better now! She could be happy if you'd let her!”

“I just want her safe, Isak.”

“You don't give a shit about her.”

“I talked to her yesterday. She said you have a new boyfriend.”

Isak stilled. He'd never really told his father about his sexuality. There'd always been more important things to worry about. “So?”

“I don't care if you're gay, Isak,” he said. “But I care if your boyfriend is going put you through the same things that your mom put me through.”

Isak felt rage bubbling up. “Don't talk about them like that.”

“Out of all the boys in the world,” his father said, “you had to choose someone crazy?”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Isak asked. “Even is _not_ crazy, and neither is Mamma! And I didn't choose him as some fucking project. I didn't think I could fix him. He doesn't need to be fixed. Mamma doesn't either.”

“She said he's sick, like her. Why would you do that?”

“Because I love him! I don't give a fuck that he's bipolar, Pappa! It doesn't matter! I love him, and I love Mamma, and I'm not letting you ruin all of this! Mamma needs to get out of there, and I deserve to have someone who loves me!”

He hung up. He'd find a way to help his mother on his own.

He called Even, who picked up on the second ring with, “Hi, love, how are you?”

Isak exhaled in relief. “I'm okay. I just... I wanted to hear your voice. Thank you.”

“Everything okay?”

“Just... fighting with my dad. Go ahead and get back to your project. I love you.”

“Love you, too, baby. I'm here if you need me.”

  
**Wednesday**

**Even <3**

Even: _Hi baby_

 

Isak: _Hey <3_

 

Even: _Wyd?_

 

Isak: _Homework. What about you?_

 

Even: _Nothing_

_I just wanted to tell you I got my results from the med center_

 

Isak: _Oh_

_They haven't called me_

_Do you think that's bad?_

 

Even: _No, baby, I'm sure it doesn't mean anything_

 

Isak: _So are you clean?_

 

Even: _Yeah_

 

Isak: _That's good_

 

Even: _Don't worry Isak_

 

Isak: _I'm not_

 

Even: _You sure?_

 

Isak: _It's just scary_

 

Even: _If there's anything, we'll handle it_

 

Isak: _It's too much to think about_

 

Even: _What do you mean?_

 

Isak: _You shouldn't have to deal with it_

 

Even: _Of course I'll be there_

 

Isak: _It's a problem I got myself into_

_I can deal with it myself_

_I don't want to stress you out or anything_

_I don't know_

 

Even: _Isak_

_Baby_

_You don't have to handle everything yourself_

 

Isak: _I'm sorry_

_I'm just used to it_

 

Even: _You don't have to apologize_

 

Isak: _I say sorry too much don't I?_

 

Even: _There's nothing wrong with that._

_You just think that everything's your fault_

_And I want you to know that it's not_

 

Isak: _How are you always so patient with me?_

_Don't I tire you out?_

 

Even: _I could never get tired of you_

 

Isak: _Fuck. The place called._

 

Even: _You didn't pick up?_

 

Isak: _I stared at it and panicked._

 

Even: _That's ok. Call them back when you're ready._

 

Isak: _Baby I'm scared_

 

Even: _It's okay love_

 

Isak: _I'm being pathetic_

_Not calling back isn't gonna change the results_

 

Even: _No_

_But you don't have to find out now_

_Whatever makes you more comfortable_

_Just know that I love you no matter what_

 

Isak: _Can you come over?_

 

Even: _I'll catch the next tram <3_

 

Isak: _Ok_

_Thank you_

_I'm calling them back_

 

Even: _I'll be over in five minutes_

 

Isak: _Okay_

_I love you_

 

Even: _I love you, too, baby_

_Good luck <3 _

 

**Even <3**

Isak: _I'm clean !!!!!_

 

Even: _Congratulations baby!_

_So happy for you <3_

 

Isak: _When can we put this to use?_

 

Even: _I'm walking from the bus stop now gorgeous_

 

Isak: _Can't wait to feel you_

 

Even: _Can't wait to be close to you_

 

Isak: _I'm excited I love you!!!! <3 <3 <3_

 

Even: _I love you too my darling <3 <3 :)_

 

**Even <3**

Isak: _Thank you for coming over <3_

_I miss you_

_Sorry you had to go home :(_

 

Even: _I miss you too_

_But tonight was amazing_

_I love you so much_

 

Isak: _The sex was so good baby_

 

Even: _It was, wasn't it?_

 

Isak: _You know it was_

 

Even: _I wish I could've stayed the night_

_I hate leaving you after we have sex_

 

Isak: _Why's that?_

 

Even: _When you look so tired and fucked out_

_I feel like I should be there taking care of you_

 

Isak: _You always take care of me baby_

_Don't worry about it_

 

Even: _I'll stay next time_

_I just really have to finish this project_

 

Isak: _It's ok school comes first_

 

Even: _Nothing's more important than you_

 

Isak: _Cheeseball._

 

Even: _That's me baby_

 

Isak: _But really. Thank you for tonight. I loved it. I love you._

 

Even: _I love you, too <3_

  
**Thursday**

It happened faster than anything.

They were at a bar.

Even got up to get more drinks, a guy came up to Isak and touched his leg, and then he was on the floor. And Even was fighting four guys, getting hit while Isak tried to pull him away.

He was too shocked to move, at first. Too shocked at seeing Even, the most gentle man he'd ever known, fight someone. And then the panic came. The fear.

“Baby, stop!” Isak begged, moving into action, trying to stop his fists from flying. “Even!” He grabbed at Even's arms from behind him but Even threw him off and he hit the floor. The whole bar was looking at them, now, and it didn't take long for Anders and Martin and Jonas to come over and help. Martin threw a few punches, Magnus and Mahdi helped Isak up off the floor, Anders and Jonas tried to pull Even away while keeping the other guys at bay.

Isak was crying as he ran up to Even again. “Even, please! Baby!” He tried to pull him away, and then stepped between Even and the boy he was advancing upon, bracing himself against the hit he was sure to come. “Baby, stop! You're scaring me!” When Even's eyes fell on Isak's, he stopped. He lowered his fist. He let Isak put his hands on his cheeks and ground him in the moment.

“Isak? What's wrong?”

“Baby.”

“What's going on?”

“Come sit with me, Even. Please, love.”

Even nodded, looked over Isak's shoulder at the boys being restrained by their friends. Isak ran his thumb over Even's cheek.

“Don't cry,” Even said.

It only made Isak cry harder. He shook his head. “Baby, it's okay. I'm alright. Just come sit with me, please, Even.”

“I didn't mean to scare you,” Even said.

“It's okay! Baby, it's okay. I just need you to come with me, okay, so we can go home. Do you want to go home?”

“I... I'll go home with you.”

Isak smiled through his tears. “Good, baby, thank you. Let's go get your coat, okay?”

“What the hell is wrong with your psycho fucking boyfriend?” the guy who'd touched Isak yelled from behind them. Isak tensed, turned away from them, a hand on Even's back. “Can't handle having a whore for a boyfriend?”

Isak was fast enough to say, “Even, no!” before the fight was going again, and that's how the cops found them.

“You can't take him!” Isak said, following them as they took Even through the bar in handcuffs. “Please! He's sick, he didn't know! Please!”

The roommates were all trailing behind Isak, and Even looked scared and confused, and Isak was sobbing as he chased him down.

“Isak,” Even said, trying to look over his shoulder at him.

“Baby, I'm here,” Isak said. They went outside, the cold air hitting Isak like a wall. “Don't panic, Even, I'll help you.”

But Even was put into the back of a cop car and Isak was left outside holding both of their coats to his chest and crying. “Please,” he said to the officer. “Please, he's manic. I didn't know, but he didn't mean to. Please let me take him home with me. I can help him if you let me take him home.” No one was talking to him. No one was listening. “Please!” He looked into the window and Even looked so terrified. Isak put his hand on the glass so Even would look at him. “Baby, I'll wait for you. Call your parents, okay? Call them, and then tell me when you're okay.” He waited for Even to nod before he said, “I love you so much, baby. I'll wait for you at home.”

Jonas pulled Isak away from the car as it started moving, and soon he was enveloped by them all as he sobbed.

“He'll be okay,” Anders said, rubbing Isak's back. “He'll be fine, Isak, as soon as they get proof of the bipolar they'll release him to his parents.”

“Let's go home, Isak,” Magnus said. “You'll feel better there.”

“He'll call when he's safe,” Martin said.

“We can't do anything here,” Mahdi agreed.

Isak was so overwhelmed that everything felt numb. All he felt was a consuming fear. He let himself be lead to the street and then into a taxi, crammed into the back seat with all the others. He didn't say a word until they were back in his apartment.

“I didn't notice,” he said quietly, still clutching Even's coat to himself.

“It's not your fault,” Martin said. “His episodes aren't that severe, sometimes they can pass without anyone noticing anything. This time something just triggered him into action. If that guy hadn't touched you, we probably still wouldn't know he was manic. Okay?”

“But... but next is depression,” Isak said. “What if he needs me? He needs me now. I can't be there.”

“You should sleep, Isak,” Anders said. “It could be a few hours before he calls.”

Isak didn't sleep. He stayed up in bed, staring at the wall, clutching his phone. He sent texts that Even wouldn't receive for hours.

_I'm sorry, baby._

_I'm here for you._

_Please text me when you're home._

_And don't worry about me._

_I love you so much, Even. Don't doubt that._

He couldn't bring himself to think of anything but how scared Even looked. How upset. All because Isak had slept with that guy before, and had been ignoring his messages since then. Because Isak had been too much of a coward to deal with it himself.

He hadn't noticed that Even was manic. They'd spent every day and night together for the past two weeks, and Isak hadn't noticed anything.

He went online and looked up the symptoms that he should've looked up before.

Even had been awake at all hours of the night. Even had been working diligently on his art project for school with near-obsession. Even had taken Isak on long walks around the city, on an expensive date, on drives to the countryside. He'd talked about everything under the sun, and Isak had been content to listen. They'd had sex twice a day, and Isak was too much of a fucking slut to know that it wasn't normal.

He hadn't noticed the sleeplessness because he'd been up with Even, ignoring how off it was that Even was still awake at three am when he would usually be asleep at eleven. He had pinned it on the start of their relationship, on the excitement he still felt at being able to be around Even in this way. He hadn't noticed that he was working harder than normal on his art, or that they didn't usually do the things that they did together. They had just started dating; so much of it was new to him that he didn't know what the dangerous parts were.

Even hadn't been drinking or smoking. He'd been avoiding caffeine and going to therapy. But it had happened anyways. Because Isak wasn't good enough for him to take initiative and _know._

Even didn't text him back until two in the morning.

_I'm with my parents. I didn't mean to scare you. I love you and I'm sorry._

Isak started crying again. _I love you, too, baby. I love you so much. Do you need anything?_

His phone started ringing and he answered it with shaking fingers. “Even?”

“Hi, baby.”

Isak sobbed out a relieved breath. “Oh, God, Even. How are you, baby? Are you okay?”

“I'm good.”

Isak smiled through his tears. “You sound good.”

“I didn't mean to scare you, Isak.”

“Don't worry, Even. Please don't worry. It means so much to me, that even like this you only cared about me. Okay? It means the world.”

“I couldn't stand him touching you.”

“I know, baby, it's okay. I'm so glad you love me. You loving me is all that matters.”

“I do. I do love you.”

“I know, Even. And I love you, too.” He wiped his eyes. “Are you safe? Are you hurt?”

“Only a few bruises. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too, baby.” He wanted nothing more than to be with Even right now. He wanted to hold him and listen to him talk and feel the weight of him against his body.

But he looked like hell. He felt like hell.

Even was going through enough right now. He didn't need to take care of Isak, too, when Isak should be taking care of Even.

“Will you just talk to me tonight?” Isak asked. “Talk to me about anything you want, baby, I just want to hear your sweet voice.”

It's how he spent the night until the morning. Curled up in bed listening to Even talk on the phone. Wide awake, but exhausted to his core. When Even fell asleep on the other line, he listened to his even breathing for a long time before hanging up.

Everything had gone to shit in such a short time.

Isak felt broken.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: non-graphic violence, ableist language
> 
> I really don't know much about bipolar disorder and after my research ultimately ended up applying my knowledge about other mental illnesses, so if there's anything super wrong let me know <3  
> let me know what you thought about the chapter, and if you have any requests for things you want to see in the future of this fic or any others.  
> thank ya'll so much for your support this is incredible. if people want i'll make more fics, which i wasn't planning to do when i posted the first chapter of this!  
> i'm heading out of town thursday or friday until monday, where i won't have internet access and won't be able to post. i will, though, have a lot of time to write. i'll post to my tumblr when to expect the update when i know a little bit more <3  
> thanks for reading!


	11. Week 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! thanks for the continued support!  
> as always, not proofread very well :]  
> love, as always <3 hope you like it <3

**Friday**

He hadn't slept. The world felt heavy and blurred. After Even had fallen asleep on the phone, Isak had left his room to deliver news to the others, and found everyone sprawled out in the living room, asleep with the television on mute. Anders and Martin were on top of each other on one of the couches, and Magnus and Mahdi were sharing the armchair. Jonas was in the kitchen, setting up the coffee pot.

“Hey, man,” Jonas said, hair sleep ruffled and eyes red. “How are you feeling?”

Isak shrugged, taking two mugs down from the kitchen cabinet and getting sugar from the counter.

“Did you hear from Even?” Jonas asked. The coffee maker made a noise as it started running.

“Yeah, we talked all night. He's at his parents'.” Isak wasn't looking at him. He was staring at the countertop.

“Did you sleep at all?”

Isak shook his head. “I needed to be there for him.”

“Go and take a nap, Isak.”

He shook his head again. “No. No, he doesn't sleep long when he's manic. Even when it's mild, like this. I want to be there if he calls again.” Because he hadn't been there the first time, when it mattered.

“That's irrational, Issy,” Jonas said. “You need to sleep.”

“I don't. I'm fine.” The coffee finished brewing and Isak poured himself a mug and stirred in the sugar. “I'll be in the room.”

“Isak!”

He closed himself in his bedroom and sat back down on the bed.

He'd slept so well with Even that he didn't notice when Even didn't. If Even needed him to be there for him, he'd be there for him.

He sent a text. _Call me whenever you want. I miss you. Sleep well <3_

Last night was the first time he hadn't had Even in his bed in weeks, and he felt empty for a thousand different reasons. He felt sad that Even had gotten hurt. He felt useless because he hadn't noticed that it was coming. He felt lonely.

He was scared. And he wished Even knew how scared he was, like he always did.

But Even didn't. And he wouldn't. Because Isak wasn't his problem. Not now. Isak could take care of himself, like he'd done his whole life. And it'd be harder, now that he knew what it was like to have people who cared, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything but Even's wellbeing right now. And as much as he wanted to crawl into bed with Even at his mother's house, he knew that Even didn't need that right now. He knew that Even wouldn't complain, and he would love to comfort Isak. Even wasn't depressed yet. But he didn't need to think that his actions had caused Isak pain. That would kill him. The last thing Even wanted in the universe was to hurt Isak.

“Isak?”

He looked up from his dark phone screen. He'd been in his room for two hours, doing nothing except sending that single text to Even.

“Yeah?” he called.

“We made food. Can you come and eat some?” It was Mahdi.

“I'm not hungry.”

“You really should eat something, man,” Magnus said. “Come on, it's just cheese toast. Just eat one.”

_Go away._

“I'm not hungry,” he repeated.

There was some conversation behind the door, quiet and muffled, and then Mahdi was saying, “Okay, man, just get some rest. There's food out here if you want it.”

“Okay,” Isak said, and went back to staring at his phone.

It was another hour before Even called again, and Isak hadn't done anything except continue to chastise himself.

“Hi, baby,” he said, finding a smile. “How are you?”

“I'm good. Can you come see me?”

Even didn't sound upset at his absence. He didn't sound sad, or like he knew that Isak was avoiding him. And Isak wanted, so badly, to comply. He wanted to be with Even, now and all the time.

“I can't today, baby. I miss you so much, but I can't today.”

“Okay. That's okay.” He didn't sound upset now, either. He didn't suspect anything. Which was good, because Isak was staying away so that he didn't hurt Even. He didn't want his absence to hurt him, either.

“Are you feeling any different?” Isak asked. “Up or down or anything?”

“I feel fine.”

He was still manic, then. Hypomanic, as Martin had later told him. Anders said that when he was manic he didn't have a very good grasp on what he'd done. Even would usually be totally broken up by scaring Isak, or hitting someone.

“That's good,” Isak said. “I want you to feel good, baby, are your parents taking care of you?”

“Yeah. I've told them all about you. They want to meet you. I know they'd love you.”

Isak could hear the smile in his voice. “I'd love to meet them, Even.”

“Really?”

“Of course, baby.” He was smiling. Last night he didn't think he'd ever smile again. “Anything to make you happy would make me happy, too.”

“You're the best boyfriend in the world, sweetheart.”

Isak melted. “You are, Even. You mean everything.”

  
**Saturday**

Even is fine.

It's what everyone kept telling him. He'd been hypomanic before, and he'd been fine. He'd been hypomanic before and it'd gone unnoticed.

He's fine.

But he'd never punched someone before. He'd never been arrested before, if only for an hour. That was Isak's fault.

“He's completely functional, Isak,” Martin said through the door. “He wouldn't want you to worry.”

Martin had said that no matter how mild the mania, the depression was worse. Isak didn't answer. He was trying to fall asleep, but he'd been trying for hours and couldn't get past closing his eyes.

“I know you're scared, man,” Martin said. “But it's not your fault, as much as you might think it is. And, yeah, it sucks. But it's not as bad as it could've been. It's only hypomania.”

Still sucks.

“I know that it's not okay. It doesn't make it okay. But he's been through this before. The depression will be worse than the hypomania, but it probably won't be... crushing.”

_I don't want him to be sad._

“Just... we're here if you want to talk.”

He pulled the covers over his head and held his phone close to his chest. He was so tired. Exhausted. The thought of trying to go to work or school or do any of his homework was draining. He was worried and guilty and the worst part was that everyone kept telling him not to be. Stop being worried, stop being guilty. He felt even worse when he couldn't stop.

 

**Even <3 <3 <3**

Even: _Hi baby_

 

Isak: _Hi Ev <3_

_How are you?_

 

Even: _I miss you_

 

Isak: _I miss you, too, baby._

_Are you sleeping well?_

 

Even: _Not really_

_I'm sorry_

 

Isak: _Don't be sorry. It's okay._

 

Even: _I know you want me to be sleeping well._

 

Isak: _As long as you feel ok I don't care, Even_

_Do you feel ok?_

 

Even: _Yeah, I still feel good_

 

Isak: _That's good_

 

Even: _I know I'm gonna be depressed soon_

_I'm sorry_

 

Isak: _Stop apologizing, baby_

_You're not doing anything wrong._

 

Even: _Ok_

_I love you_

_I'm going to the doctor_

 

Isak: _Ok have fun baby <3_

_I love you, too_

_I'll talk to you in a little bit <3_

 

Isak dropped his phone and curled deeper into the pillows. Even was fine. He was coherent and aware of his past actions. He accepted it when he was told that he was hypomanic. He knew what would come next.

But Isak's heart was still broken. All he kept seeing was Even getting hit. Getting put in a cop car. Because of Isak. Because some guy that he'd slept with, some asshole from months ago, had touched him. But if Isak hadn't slept with him, he wouldn't have been touched. Even wouldn't have hit the guy, he wouldn't have gotten taken to the police station. He wouldn't be hurt. They wouldn't even know that he was manic, probably, and Even wouldn't be so concerned with worrying Isak.

Isak didn't want Even to worry about him. He wanted Even to focus on himself for once.

He was able to fall into the most fitful sleep of his life for half an hour.

  
**Sunday**

Even was crashing. Isak didn't know, he wasn't well versed in this, but his texts went unanswered for hours and the replies were usually followed by, _I'm sorry, I was asleep._ It broke his heart to know that Even was alone with this, but it would break his heart more knowing that he was the cause for Even's pain.

Isak was crashing, too. He had already crashed. Sometimes it seemed like his breath had been stolen from his lungs. His eyes wouldn't close and his mind wouldn't shut off. His brain wouldn't tell his stomach that he was hungry, so he lived off of saltines in bed. People knocked on the door and Jonas came and went and everyone was moving on with their lives but this was Isak's boyfriend and Isak's life and Isak's fault. Isak had to stay where Even could reach him. He had to answer every incoming call and text back. If he wasn't going to be there physically, then he couldn't shirk these duties.

His roommates didn't know he wasn't sleeping.

Maybe they did. They didn't say anything. Jonas had known him in high school to go days without sleep. This time he didn't have Eskild to curl up in bed with, or Linn to watch television with until he passed out from exhaustion. He felt alone, even surrounded by everyone who was trying so hard to help him.

He wouldn't listen. Jonas left food on his nightstand that went uneaten. Magnus emailed his professors to tell them why he was missing class, with a few embellishments. Mahdi asked him to sleep; just let go, for a little while.

He felt like he was sixteen again, and it was the worst feeling. Helpless, young. Even had made him feel so strong. So capable. Like a real, functioning person. Like someone who mattered.

“Hi, Even,” he said into the phone. He could manage small smiles when Even called, hoping that some semblance of peace could be passed through the phone line. “You okay, baby?”

His voice sounded heavy and slow, but at least he was talking. “I'm alright. I've been better.”

Isak refused to let himself cry. There was plenty of time for that, time that wasn't taken already with talking to his boyfriend who needed him to be there. “I'm sorry.”

“It's okay.”

“Have you been eating?”

“Yeah, some.”

“That's good. Is there a reason you called? Do you need anything?”

“I just miss your voice.”

Isak hadn't wanted to feel worse than he already did. But in a way, he took all of this as punishment. He hadn't noticed, and he had indulged. He shouldn't be allowed to feel sorry for himself.

“You've got me now. What do you want to talk about?”

“I just want to listen.”

So despite his exhaustion, Isak talked. For an hour, until Even fell asleep, and then some more.

“I love you, baby. Sleep well.”

  
**Monday**

**Sanasol**

Sanasol: _Are you okay?_

 

Isak: _I'm fine_

_Do you know what happened?_

 

Sanasol: _Yes_

 

Isak: _Did someone tell you?_

 

Sanasol: _Even did_

 

Isak: _?_

 

Sanasol: _He told my brother, actually._

 

Isak: _What are you talking about_

 

Sanasol: _I don't want you to be upset_

 

Isak: _Sana you couldn't make me more upset than I am_

 

Sanasol: _I've known Even since I was a kid._

_He's friends with Elias_

 

Isak: _You knew?_

 

Sanasol: _I did._

_I'm sorry._

_I didn't think it was my place._

 

Isak: _I'm not mad_

 

Sanasol: _Really?_

 

Isak: _No. You didn't do anything wrong._

 

Sanasol: _Is he ok?_

_Elias hasn't heard anything in a few days._

 

Isak: _He's been hypomanic, but it wasn't really bad._

_I don't know._

_He's depressed now_

 

Sanasol: _Are you with him?_

 

Isak: _No. I don't want to stress him out._

 

Sanasol: _Isak_

_You always do this_

_He probably wants to see you_

 

Isak: _I want to see him, too._

_More than anything_

_But I feel like shit, Sana_

_He can't see me like that._

_He'll think he's the reason._

 

Sanasol: _Ask him about his past, Isak_

_He'll tell you if he wants_

_But you need to know that he needs you._

_You don't understand that, ok, but he needs to know you still love him_

 

Isak: _I do still love him_

 

Sanasol: _He's might doubt that if you're avoiding him_

 

Isak: _What happened in his past?_

 

Sanasol: _You know that's not my place to say._

 

Isak: _I know_

_Thank you Sana_

_But I can't sleep or eat and I don't want him to see me like this_

 

Sanasol: _Is that what's most important?_

 

Isak: _I don't know anything anymore._

 

Sanasol: _Let me know if you want to talk_

 

Isak: _Thank you_

 

Sanasol: _Anything you need_

 

**Eskild Tryggvason**

Eskild: _You ok?_

 

Isak: _Yeah. Sorry for texting and then ignoring you_

 

Eskild: _It's okay bby_

 

Isak: _I miss him_

 

Eskild: _Then go see him, Isak_

_I know he'd love to see you._

 

Isak: _I'll just make him sad._

 

Eskild: _Don't you think he's sad without you_

 

Isak: _I know he's sad_

_I don't know what to do_

_I'm so tired but I can't sleep and I miss him so much_

 

Eskild: _I'm so sorry babe_

_I can't imagine how hard this is for you_

 

Isak: _It's harder for him_

_And I can't be there for him_

_And I feel terrible_

 

Eskild: _It's not your fault that this is hard for him_

_But all you can really do is try to be there for him_

 

Isak: _I know. I just don't want to hurt him_

 

Eskild: _I'm here for you baby gay_

_I love you_

 

Isak: _Love you too_

_Thank you_

 

**Even <3 <3 <3**

Isak: _Hi baby. Are you doing good?_

_You don't have to answer right away._

_Just know I love you_

_And I'm here for you <3_

 

Even: _I'm so sorry for what I did_

 

Isak: _Even don't do that baby. I'm not upset. I'm so glad I have you_

 

Even: _I scared you_

 

Isak: _But it doesn't matter now. Nothing matters except how you feel_

 

Even: _You matter_

 

Isak: _I promise I'm fine baby_

_I want to know how you feel_

_If it's not too much to explain it to me. I just want to understand._

 

Even: _This depression isn't too bad_

_But everything's dull sometimes_

_And all I want is to sleep_

 

Isak: _I'm sorry baby. You don't deserve that._

 

Even: _Sometimes I think that they're punishments for what I did when I was manic_

 

Isak: _Those guys were assholes_

_I'm so happy that you care about me Even_

_It's all that matters_

 

Even: _I love you_

 

Isak: _I love you too Even. I love you more than anything._

 

Even: _Do you think I can see you soon?_

 

Isak: _Soon, baby._

_I want you to rest_

_I don't want you to worry about me right now_

 

Even: _Ok_

 

Isak: _I do love you, Even_

_I love you so much_

_You know that?_

 

Even: _I know_

 

Isak: _< 3 Get some rest baby_

 

Even: _< 3_

  
**Tuesday**

“Isak?” Magnus called from the hallway. “Can I come in?”

“I'm not hungry.”

“I'm not here to make you eat,” Magnus said.

“Okay. Come in.”

Magnus came in and sat across from him on the bed. Isak had been wearing the same hoodie and sweatpants for two days. He hadn't slept. He hadn't eaten. He hadn't looked in the mirror but he knew he had circles under his eyes just like when he was sixteen. He knew his hair was a mess and his skin was paled.

Magnus set a sandwich down on a plate between them. “You don't have to eat it. It's just... here, if you want it.”

“Thanks,” Isak said.

“I just wanted to talk to you,” Magnus said. “You know my mom?”

Isak didn't answer for a while, until he recognized that it wasn't a rhetorical question. “Yeah.”

“She's bipolar.”

Isak looked at him. “She is?”

“Yeah. More severe than Even's, really.”

“I... I didn't know that,” Isak said.

“And I just want you to know that... that you shouldn't make decisions for Even, just because you think you might hurt him.” When Isak didn't say anything, just stared at Magnus with dazed wide eyes, Magnus said, “That's what you've been doing, isn't it?”

Isak stared some more, and then nodded minutely.

“Well,” Magnus said, “you should just know that he's capable of making his own decisions. I know that you probably know that already. I just... you think you're protecting him, man, but he's probably wishing you were there.”

“If I go like this he'll get stressed out.”

“I think he'll just be happy to see you,” Magnus answered.

“He'll worry that I'm not sleeping, and I'm not eating,” Isak said.

“Yeah, maybe,” Magnus said with a shrug. “But maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing. Even wouldn't like it if he knew you'd kept this from him, right? You've been so good about communicating, Isak.” Isak stared at the bread of the sandwich between them. “Bro, you've gotta stop being so fucking hard on yourself. Even loves you. It's completely obvious. He would rather be able to see you like this than know you're suffering by yourself. And I'm sure he wants to see you, Isak. You really want to leave him right now? When he's depressed?”

“I don't want him to be alone,” Isak said. “I want to see him, I miss him, I just... I don't want to make him sad.”

“Isak,” Magnus said. “You'll feel so much better when you see him. You'll be able to sleep again. You'll be less stressed out if you're with him. Okay?” Magnus stood up, patting Isak's leg. “Don't worry about it, man. Take some time to think about it. But do think about it, okay?”

“Thanks, Mags,” Isak said.

“No problem, man.”

His phone rang an hour after Magnus left. As soon as he looked at the number he wanted to cry. He was so tired. He just wanted everything to slow down. To stop.

“Hello?”

“Your mother has been asking for you.”

She wasn't well. When he finally got to her, she was barely awake.

“Mamma, hey, it's Isak.” He sat down next to her on the bed, but she had laid down facing away from him, so he just rubbed her back. “I know you're feeling bad. I'm so sorry.”

She didn't say anything. She didn't move. She only breathed.

“I'm tired, too, Mamma. I know how you feel. And it's okay, that you're not okay. You don't have to act okay when you're not.” He laid down behind her, exhausted to the bone and completely awake. “I'm here for you. You don't have to talk, or do anything. I'll be here as long as they'll let me.”

He made sure that the cover was over her shoulders, smoothing it down her back. She was pressed close to the wall, eyes open and unseeing.

Isak stayed with her until long after she'd fallen asleep. Until a nurse came in and looked shocked that he was still there.

“Visiting hours ended forty minutes ago,” she said.

“Oh, sorry,” he said quietly, standing up slowly so his mother wasn't disturbed. “I didn't know.”

He caught one of the last trains and rode an hour back to his apartment, finding Jonas already asleep in his bed in their room. Isak laid down without taking off his clothes.

His mother wasn't okay and Even wasn't okay and Isak was finally able to admit that he wasn't okay.

He wasn't okay.

He texted Even, even though he was probably asleep. He'd been asleep most of the day. But he was still answering messages when he was awake.

_I miss you baby. Hope you're okay. Hope you're sleeping well and eating well. Hope you know I love you. Text me when you can, I'll be waiting for you. But don't worry. I'm okay. <3_

He didn't sleep that night, either, outside a few broken hours in an exhausted half-daze, jumping awake at every change of position or noise from across the room.

He was trying so hard to fix everything that he himself had cracked.

  
**Wednesday**

_I miss you Isak_

_I miss you so much_

_I'm so sorry I hurt you. I hope you don't hate me. I should've known earlier. I shouldn't have hit him._

_I love you_

Isak got the address for Even's parents' house from Martin and then jumped on the next tram. He ran from the stop. There were tears on his face that he couldn't feel until the wind hit them and dried them cold against his cheeks.

Even's mother opened the door. “Hi,” she said, apparently alarmed at the crying boy on her doorstep.

“Is Even here?” he asked, choking on his breath. _I miss you, too, baby._

The woman's face softened. “Are you Isak?”

Isak could only nod, trying to control his breathing and stop the steady flow of tears. Even thought Isak hated him. That was the breaking point. Isak could never hate Even.

“He's in his bedroom,” she said. “Second door on the right.”

“Thank you,” Isak said, wiping at his eyes. “Thank you.”

He pushed the door to Even's room open carefully and was met with darkness. The blinds were closed and the curtains drawn tight. It was calming, really. The cool darkness. The sound of Even's breathing. He had missed that sound.

Even was on a lofted bed in the corner. Isak closed the door behind him and approached the steps, suddenly self-conscious. He shouldn't have left. Did Even think it was his fault? It wasn't his fault.

He walked up the ladder steps slowly, stopping when his shoulders were over the top of the mattress and he could see Even. The relief was instant. This was his boyfriend. His baby, and he was okay. Just seeing him was enough to relax all the nerves he'd tensed up over the last week. “Even?”

Even opened his eyes, like he hadn't been asleep, just resting. Isak smiled his first true smile in days when Even's eyes met his.

“Hi, beautiful,” Isak said. “Can I lay with you?”

Even nodded, and Isak crawled under the covers, facing Even and placing a hand on his warm cheek.

“I missed you,” Isak said. “I'm sorry I haven't been around.” He brushed his fingers through Even's hair. “I don't know if you want to talk. But you don't have to, if you don't want to. I'm here for you, now. I should've been the whole time.”

Even looked at him and touched his fingers to Isak's lips. “I missed you.” His voice was hoarse with disuse, but it was still Even's.

Isak started crying again, trying as hard as he could not to. “I'm so sorry, baby.”

“It's okay,” Even said. He moved onto Isak's chest, a comforting weight tucked under Isak's chin. “Sleep. Let's sleep.”

Isak kissed the top of Even's head and buried his nose in his hair. It was kind of greasy, kind of dirty. But nothing had ever felt as good as closing his eyes in Even's childhood bedroom, pressed against him, sleepy and heavy and surrounded by the smell of his favorite person in the world.

He trailed his hands up and down Even's back for the minutes it took him to remember how to sleep. He felt Even under his fingertips, Even's lungs filling against his palms. He felt Even's cheek through his t-shirt and his breath in the space between them. It was all he needed.

 

When he woke up, the room was still dark but Even had moved off of Isak's chest and back onto the pillow, still asleep and breathing deeply.

Isak grazed his fingertips over Even's cheekbone, feeling bleary but well-rested. Finally. He pushed Even's hair from his eyes and ran his fingers down his scalp. They would talk later. Now, nothing mattered but the fact that they were together.

He moved closer to Even and pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes again.

He was at peace. He was calm and could give into his exhaustion. His skin on Even's was grounding and all that mattered in this moment. Having Even next to him placated him; he wasn't worried, he wasn't sad, he wasn't overthinking and hating himself.

He fell asleep warm.

 

Even shifted beside him, waking Isak the rest of the way up. He was rolling over, his back to Isak, and tugging the covers up higher. Isak rolled over, too, and spooned him to his chest. Even claimed he hated spooning, the other way around. Isak was content to be the big spoon for the rest of his life.

He didn't know what time it was and he didn't want to know. Knowing meant stress about missed classes and as soon as he looked at his phone for the time he'd see unread messages that he wouldn't be able to deal with. The room was dark, still, and Even was asleep, still, so Isak was there, and he was staying.

He pushed his nose into the nape of Even's neck and slept.

  
**Thursday**

He opened his eyes to see Even's already on him.

“Hi, baby,” Isak said quietly, touching Even's cheek.

“Hey,” Even whispered. He moved his face into Isak's palm and his eyes fell closed.

“I've missed you,” Isak said, rubbing his thumb over Even's skin. “You look good, baby.”

Even almost smiled at that. “Do I?”

“Mmhm.” Isak smiled at him. “You look... beautiful. And healthy.” Isak stroked through his hair. “I'm so happy to see you, baby.”

Even said, “I'm happy to see you, too.”

“Did you sleep well enough?” Isak asked.

Even nodded. He still looked tired. Isak, on the other hand, felt the most rested he ever had.

“Are you hungry?” Isak asked.

Even shrugged.

“I can go in the kitchen and make you something. If that'd be okay with your parents.”

Even said, quietly, “They're at work. It's fine.”

Even didn't always go back to his parents' during an episode. Martin and Andre usually took care of him when it was this mild. But Isak supposed that when someone got taken away by the police, their parents' house is the most comfortable place to go.

“Okay,” Isak said. “I'll go make you something.” He kissed Even's forehead and started out of bed.

“Can I come?” Even asked.

Isak smiled. “Of course, baby.”

They made their slow way to the kitchen through morning light, hands locked together. It felt so good to hold his hand again. “What would you like?” Isak asked, letting Even break away to sit at the kitchen table. When he opened the fridge he said, “Eggs?” Isak asked. “I think I've seen you make them enough that I can... try it.”

“Okay,” Even said.

“Alright,” Isak said. “Do you want me to play some music?”

“Sure.”

Isak moved to the radio on the kitchen counter and tuned it to something soft, then took the eggs from the fridge and a pan from underneath the stove and started trying to cook.

“Even?” he called. “I have to, like, put butter in the pan first, right?”

“Yeah,” Even said. Isak could hear a bit of amusement in his hoarse voice.

“Okay. Thanks, baby.” He cracked the eggs in a bowl like he'd seen Even do, and added the sour cream, and mixed it all together after picking out eggshells. “Ev?”

“Mmhm?”

“Do I just pour it in the pan once it's mixed up?”

He felt Even's weight behind him, and smiled and leaned back until he was touching his chest. “Hi,” he said, turning around and putting his arms around Even's neck. Even snaked his arms around Isak's waist and nestled into his neck as he pulled him close.

“I missed you,” Even said into his shoulder.

“Me too, baby.” Isak hugged him tight. “I'm so sorry. It's nothing you did. It was me, Even, and my Mamma wasn't well, and... and I love you, baby. So much.”

“I love you, too.”

Isak smiled as he pulled back, running his hand down Even's cheek.

Even sat on the counter as Isak cooked, asking periodic questions to gain Even's instruction. They ate together in silence and Isak washed the dishes as the music played in the background.

“You know what I want to do?” Isak said, standing between Even's legs on the counter with his hands on Even's thighs.

“What?” Even asked.

“I want to take a shower with you,” Isak said. He combed his fingers through Even's hair. “I want us to relax. You wanna do that?”

Even's lips pulled up a little. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

Even nodded, and Isak pulled him off the counter and into his side to the bathroom.

They didn't really have shower sex. They'd tried it once and it'd ended with them both falling down instead of coming. But they'd laughed, and stood up with groans, and taken turns under the hot water to wash themselves instead. Now, as Isak pulled Even under the stream, it was just to feel close to him. To put his hands on Even's skin and feel him like he hadn't in days.

He rubbed shampoo into Even's hair and soap into his chest. He trailed his fingers down Even's arms and intertwined them when he reached Even's hands. He rocked onto his toes and pressed a kiss to Even's lips.

When they had dried off, they crawled naked under Even's covers again. Isak held him as they slept, peaceful and unbroken.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shower scene for the anon on tumblr :) i tried bby thanks for the suggestion <3 inspired by every insomniac isak fic ever written. sorry if people are tired of that territory :( idk i'm having problems with my own originality here-- i feel like this same fic has just been done countless times before and it's making me kind of doubt myself and whatever :( oh well, only 4 chapters left, so if there's anything you want to see in these last ones tell me in the comments or at supermansplaining on tumblr. no updates til around monday or tuesday as i'll be without internet this weekend <3


	12. Week 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even is depressed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for all the love on last chapter <3 meant the world :)  
> thanks to everyone suggesting my fic to others on tumblr and whatnot, it's very sweet <3 thanks for all the kudos (more than 1100 wtf) and comments especially (love comments) and hits in general. i'm glad people like this, and despite my doubts, i'm glad it's making people happy :) only 3 chapters left, please leave requests in the comments or at supermansplaining on tumblr for anything you'd like to see happen. while the skeleton of each chapter is planned out already, including little things and events is fun for me <3  
> as always, expect mistakes i don't even have a good excuse i just really really hate rereading these long ass chapters and fixing things <3

**Friday**

“Boys?”

Isak lifted his head from Even's neck and turned to the door, where Even's mother was standing in a flood of light from the hallway.

“Hi, Miss Bech Næsheim,” he said. It was the first time he'd seen her since showing up on her doorstep crying in the middle of the afternoon. “Even's sleeping.”

“Well, we've made dinner,” she said with a smile. “I can wake him, if you want. We'd like him to try to eat something.”

“I can do it,” Isak said, sending a smile her way. “I'll get out of here.”

“You don't have to leave,” she said. “We've made plenty for everyone, if you're hungry. You can stay as long as you'd like. I'm sure Even loves having you.”

“Thank you,” he said with a relieved little smile. “I love being with him.”

When she'd closed the door again, Isak turned back to Even and stroked his cheek. “Baby? Can you wake up for me? There's food waiting. And your mom was really nice to me after I showed up crying the other day.” He watched Even's lashes flutter open. “Hi there, handsome. Try to eat something?”

“Okay,” Even said in his hoarse voice.

“Yeah? With your parents, or should I get a plate and bring it in?”

“I can go to the kitchen,” he answered quietly.

“Okay,” Isak said with a smile, tracing his thumb across Even's bottom lip. “Thank you.”

His parents had set up the dinner table with plates and cutlery and home cooked food, even though Even had said they both worked and the three of them rarely ate together as a family when he was living at home.

“Hi,” Even's father said. Isak hadn't seen him before, but he seemed just as kind as Even's mother. “Isak?”

“Yes, hi,” Isak said, shaking his hand and feeling awkward. “Nice to meet you.”

Even tugged him by the hand to sit in the chair next to his, and when Isak was seated they twined their fingers together between them.

“Do you eat fish?” Even's father asked.

“Yeah,” Isak said, smiling as some was spooned onto his plate. “Thank you.”

He didn't know anything about them, except what Even had told him about them in his childhood. They seemed like loving, normal people. But for the three days Isak had been there, he hadn't had more than these two conversations; the brief on with Mrs. Bech Næsheim at the door on Wednesday, and the one occurring now. For all the time he'd known Even, he figured he owed it to his family to attempt a functioning conversation.

“Thank you for having me for dinner,” he said.

“It's not a problem,” Even's mother said with a bright smile. “We're glad you're here. Would you like a drink?”

“No, thank you,” Isak said, stroking Even's hand under the table. “Water's great.”

“Are you sure? We have beer and wine, if you'd like some,” Even's father said.

“No, I try not to drink. But thank you.” He turned to Even as he ate and smiled as even lifted a forkful of potatoes to his mouth, squeezing his hand. He knew how hard it could be.

“This is really good,” Isak said. “Who made it?”

“That'd be me,” Even's father said. “She can't cook.”

Isak smiled at her affronted gasp. “Neither can I,” he said. “Even's great, though. He's saved me from takeout. My roommates never cook for me, but he cooks breakfast for everyone all the time.”

“Even's always loved to cook,” his mother said. “And he's always been good at it. Which has aways been great for me, because I had two people in the house to cook so I would never have to.”

Isak smiled and looked to Even, who had rings beneath his eyes from exhaustion even with the amount of sleep he was getting. He still had yellowing bruises from the fight. Isak hadn't been there to see them heal, but he was here now. He touched their joined hands to Even's knee and showed him a smile when he looked over. “Okay?” he asked quietly.

Even nodded and squeezed his hand as he took another bite. Sometimes that was the most he could do. And that was okay.

They returned to Even's bed shortly after, when they'd finished eating and Isak had thanked his parents for the meal. Even crawled under the covers and Isak pulled him onto his chest, stroking his hair.

“That wasn't so bad,” Isak said, smiling against Even's temple. “Your parents are sweet. Just like you.”

“Can we listen to music?” Even asked. His voice was still scratchy and broken.

“Sure.” Isak fumbled around the bed for his phone caught in the bedsheets. “What do want to listen to? We've got some... NWA, and Nas, thanks to you, baby. Or how about Cat Stevens? Wanna relax a little?”

“That sounds nice,” Even said, shifting to bury closer to him.

“Okay,” Isak said, kissing the top of his head. “Let's listen.” He pressed play and wrapped his arms around Even as they let the music drift over them.

  
**Saturday**

Even had his head on Isak's shoulder as they rode the bus to the therapist, and Isak had to run his fingers through his hair to have him open his eyes when they got to their stop.

“You good?” Isak asked, watching as Even lifted his head.

Even nodded and stood up when Isak did, latching onto his hand as they exited the bus. “Which way is it again?” Isak asked, standing at the bus stop as the tram rolled away. Even tugged him to the right and they walked together, close to each other. “Want to listen to music?” Isak asked, tugging his phone from his pocket and untangling the earbuds as he released Even's hand. “I got some songs from Jonas I think you'll like.”

“Okay.” Even let Isak shove an earbud unceremoniously into his ear and started a Tupac song.

“This one might be from Sana,” Isak said, taking Even's hand again. “She's got it bad for Tupac. When we were in high school we'd study together and she'd always play Tupac. Said it helped her think.”

When Even didn't want to talk, Isak would. He'd tell stories and play music and turn on the TV. Fill the silence with white noise, so Even didn't get too lost in his thoughts. Isak knew what that was like. He felt like he was drowning, he felt like he couldn't get air when everything was happening too quickly.

“She was my best friend, back then,” Isak said. “I mean, there was Jonas and Eskild, of course, but they were family. And all the guy friends I ever had would only talk about sex and girls, two things I used to never talk about, and I guess Sana was going through the same things with her friends. She was good to have. She still is.”

Even was holding onto his hand tightly.

“Are you nervous about going back to the doctor?” Isak asked as they approached the building.

“A little,” Even said, looking up at the office with wide eyes. He looked tired. Isak was sleeping better than ever, but no matter how long Even slept it wasn't enough. Isak just wanted him to be happy again. Until he was, Isak would be there to help with anything he needed.

“That's okay,” Isak said. “I'll be right there when you get out. And Doctor Ingrid loves you, she'll be happy to see you, I'm sure.”

Even gave his hand a squeeze, the smallest reassurance that he'd heard and understood, and they went inside and up the stairs.

“Hi, Even,” the receptionist said. His demeanor was a little different this time around. “Ingrid's last patient cancelled, so you're free to go in whenever.”

Even nodded but didn't move, turning to Isak instead.

“You okay?” Isak asked, rubbing his hands up Even's arms and resting one on his cheek. “I promise I'll be here when you get out. Maybe I'll go get some hot chocolate, and bring it back so it's waiting.”

“Okay,” Even said.

Isak kissed him. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Even said back, kissing him again and then glancing worriedly at the office door.

“Hey,” Isak said, and Even's eyes found his again. “Just take it a minute at a time.”

Even kissed him with a small smile. Any little smile was a victory.

“I'll see you in an hour,” Isak said, running his fingers through Even's hair. “I love you.”

Once Even was in with Ingrid, Isak walked down the street to a cafe and ordered himself a coffee as he sat down to do some homework. He had a lot to catch up with, but his professors accepted his “family emergency” without asking questions and gave him extensions on everything that was due. He had a lot of time to do the work, with Even sleeping so much, but he found himself curling up to lay next to him most of the time.

He had biology and chemistry notes to catch up on for exams that had been pushed back for him. He had textbook problems for statistics to do. He had to learn the bones of the legs and feet for an anatomy test coming up in a week.

After reading biology for thirty minutes he ordered two hot chocolates and started the walk back to the office.

Isak hated seeing Even so down. Of course he did. But he was so much happier being there for him than staying away to protect him. And despite how sad Even was, Isak liked to think that his being there made a difference.

Back in the office, he greeted the receptionist and sat down to wait for Even's appointment to end, holding the cups on his knees.

“Bye, Even,” Ingrid said as the office door opened. “Call me if you need anything at all. I'll always make time for you.”

“Thanks,” Even said quietly. Isak stood up to greet him with a hug.

“Hi, baby,” he said, rubbing Even's back. “Good appointment?”

“It was fine,” Even said, smiling just a little bit. Isak knew he hadn't wanted to go, so it must not have been too bad of an outing if he could at least fake a smile.

“I brought you a drink,” Isak said, taking one from the chair and handing it to Even. “Is there anything else you want to do? Or do you want to just go home?”

“Home,” Even said, watching Isak pull on his backpack and pick up his drink.

“Okay. Your parents' place or your place or mine?”

Even didn't answer for a while, as if scared of saying the wrong thing. “Yours?” he asked, looking at him with big eyes.

Isak smiled and took his hand. “Okay. That sounds great.” He kissed the back of Even's hand. “Are you ready to go?”

Even nodded and they walked out together to wait for the tram. Isak zipped up Even's jacket and tied his scarf tighter around his neck, smoothing down the front of his chest. “You're so gorgeous,” he said, smiling up at Even. “I love you.”

“Even like this?”

Isak stroked his hair back. “Even like this, baby.”

  
**Sunday**

The thunder was loud and close. It shook the windowpanes, where the rain was sending harsh drops against the glass, and every crash made Isak jump.

Loud noises, sharp movements. There was a lot that he was afraid of. But wrapped up in Even, it was only a second of fear.

They both had their issues to work through; Isak more than most people. But just like the thunder, it didn't seem so scary when Even was beside him.

“Are you okay?” Even asked the next time Isak started at the noise.

“I'm fine, baby.” He trailed his hands down Even's back, over the hoodie he was wearing as he laid on Isak's chest. “Don't worry about this. Nothing's wrong, not when I'm with you.”

“Sappy.”

Isak smiled. “I know you love sappy Isak.”

“I love every Isak.”

“In every universe?” Isak asked, looking down as Isak looked up.

“You know how you told me about that?” Even asked. He was far more talkative today, but nothing like his usual self. It didn't matter. Isak was just glad he was feeling better. Anders had said that the depressive episodes could last for weeks.

“Yeah,” Isak said. Even moved onto the pillow next to Isak and looked at him. “What about it?” Isak asked, smoothing his knuckles over Even's cheek.

“Are there universes where we're not together?”

Isak thought about how to answer this, chewing on his lip. He could rightly lie. But he'd said from the start that he wasn't going to lie to Even. It's how they got together in the first place, refusing to lie to him. “There are,” Isak said, looking into his eyes. “But there are universes, within the infinity, where we _are_ together. And a fraction of infinity is still infinity.”

Even smiled a little bit at that. “So we are together in infinite universes? Even if it's not all of them?”

“Yeah, babe,” Isak said. He twisted some of Even's hair around his finger. “I'm... infinitely yours.” He laughed when Even managed a smile and smoothed his palm onto Even's flushed cheek. “Do you wanna watch something? We can start that show you've wanted me to watch.”

“Okay,” Even said.

Isak grabbed his laptop from the nightstand as Even turned around in his arms to be spooned. “What's it called?” Isak asked, setting up the laptop in front of Even on the bed and queuing up Netflix.

“ _The Get Down_ ,” Even mumbled into the comforter pulled up to his chin.

“Got it. Ready to start?”

Even nodded and Isak reached across him to press play, resting his head high on the pillows behind Even as his arms went around Even's body. He put one arm under his neck and one over his waist to curl their fingers together at his chest.

The thunder crashed again and Isak burrowed deeper into Even's back beneath the covers. They supported each other. It's how they'd have to survive. It's how they'd heal.

Even was still sleeping a lot, and he would for a long time. And it was okay. Because Isak slept next to him, and wrapped himself around him, and they kept each other safe.

“Are you afraid of storms?” Even asked when he jumped again.

“No. It's just... you know about my past, and everything.” He stroked over Even's abdomen above the hoodie. “Loud noises kind of freak me out. Just... cause of everything that's happened.”

“I'm sorry.”

“It's alright. Not your fault. My dad's fault, and every asshole who came before you.” He kissed the nape of Even's neck and behind his ear. “You're so good, Even. So good to me, and for me.”

“I take so much work.”

“So do I, baby,” Isak said, closing his eyes against Even's neck, listening to the sounds of the show mix with the rain. “It doesn't seem like so much when it's someone you love.”

“No,” Even said. “It doesn't.”

The door crashed open and both of them jumped, turning their heads.

“Hey, lovebirds,” Jonas said, easing the door open the rest of the way as if the damage hadn't already been done. They both stared at him as he moved across the room. “I thought you were at Even's.”

“No,” Isak said. “We're here.”

“Oh. Okay, just grabbing some clothes. Didn't mean to interrupt.”

“You didn't interrupt,” Isak said, curling tighter around Even. “But you can leave whenever.”

“Alright, smartass, I'm going,” Jonas said. Heading towards the shower, he said, “Have fun.”

“Bye, Jonas,” Isak said before the door shut, then nestled back into Even, twining their fingers together again.

“Am I in the way?” Even asked.

“No, baby. They love you. We all do.”

“He can't be in his own room, though.”

“He doesn't care, Even. I promise, it's okay.”

“I don't want to be a burden.”

It was such a familiar thought that Isak held him tighter, as if he'd disappear. “You're not a burden, love. You never could be.” He kissed the back of Even's neck and stroked down his side. “I love you. Nothing else compares to that, nothing else matters.”

  
**Monday**

“Are you leaving?” Even asked quietly as Isak tried to slip out of bed without waking him.

He stopped and turned to him, meeting Even's wide eyes, bleary from sleep, and touching his cheek. “Yeah, I'm going back to class today. Is that okay?”

Even nodded hesitantly, and Isak could tell that today wouldn't be as good as the one before.

“One of the boys will be home all day,” Isak said, stroking Even's jaw. “If you need anything at all, someone'll be here. And I only have one class and a lab, so I'll be home by one.” He kissed Even's cheek and smiled at him. “I hate leaving you.”

“It's okay,” Even said. His voice was returning to him so that it wasn't so hoarse, but it was always so quiet, now.

“I'm sorry,” Isak said. Crowding his forehead against Even's, he said, “I'll miss you. But I'll be back, this time. I promise. Never leaving again, baby.” With one last kiss to his cheek, Isak said, “I'm gonna go take a shower.”

“Okay.”

“You want to come?”

Even smiled a little. “Okay.”

Isak started the water with the door locked, then turned to Even and kissed him before they undressed. Nothing was very sexual these days, and Isak found that he didn't miss it. That month that he didn't have sex, after he met Even for the first time, had been a bit of a struggle. He wanted Even all the time, and he was accustomed to being used for sex, and not having it was foreign. But now he had Even, and postponing the sexual part of their relationship for a little bit meant nothing compared to just having Even for himself.

He liked himself so much better now than he ever had before.

He dragged Even's t-shirt over his head and smiled at the way it ruffled his hair. When they stepped under the shower spray he turned up the heat because he knew that Even liked it scalding even if he didn't ask for it. The shampoo they used was Magnus's, because Isak didn't have any of his own after he ran out a month ago, and it smelled like apples. Isak stroked it through Even's hair to lather it, ran the soapy strands through his fingers and kissed him.

“What are you gonna do today?” he asked, using Mahdi's bodywash to glide his hands over Even's skin.

“I don't know,” Even said. “Sleep.”

Isak smiled. “That sounds good.”

They both dried off with Isak's towel and got dressed in the clean clothes Isak had brought in for them before brushing their teeth side by side in front of the mirror.

“You're cute,” Isak said when they'd rinsed their mouths out.

Even managed a small smile and Isak combed his hair out of his face with one hand, the other resting on his cheek. “I'm kind of tired.”

“Okay. That's okay, let's go back to bed. Do you want anything to eat, first?”

“No. I'm not hungry.”

Isak stroked through his hair again. “Will you eat today?”

Even didn't seem like he wanted to, but he said, “Okay.”

“Thank you, baby. Just a little bit.”

Even laid down in bed and Isak picked up his backpack from the floor. “Mags is home now, if you need anything.”

Even nodded as Isak sat next to him on the bed. He didn't think it'd be this hard to leave; they'd been together since halfway through Wednesday, and parting from him was breaking his heart.

“Will you text me today?” Isak asked.

“Sure.”

“Just say hi?”

“Yeah,” Even said fondly.

“Okay. I've gotta go, baby, I'll miss you.” He pressed a kiss to Even's temple and one to his lips. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Isak smiled. “Say it again?”

Even leaned in to repeat, “I love you,” and kiss him again.

Isak groaned. “You make it so hard to leave, baby! I just want to fall asleep with you. How am I supposed to get through four hours without you?”

“Go to class, Isak,” Even said. “I'll wait.”

 

**Even <3 <3 <3**

Even: _Miss you_

 

Isak: _Me too, baby_

 

Even: _Done with class?_

 

Isak: _Yeah. Now chem lab._

 

Even: _And then home?_

 

Isak: _Home <3_

 

**Even <3 <3 <3**

Isak: _Chem lab sucks_

 

Even: _Shocker_

 

Isak: _When I get home can we take a nap?_

 

Even: _Perfect_

 

Isak: _You're amazing_

 

Even: _You are_

 

Isak: _I love you_

 

Even: _< 3_

 

**Even <3 <3 <3**

Isak: _Saw a puppy_

 

Even: _Puppy?_

 

Isak: _Sheepdog puppy_

 

Even: _The best kind_

 

Isak: _Thought of you_

 

Even: _Love you_

 

**Even <3 <3 <3**

Even: _On your way home?_

 

Isak: _Waiting for the bus_

 

Even: _Close?_

 

Isak: _Almost here_

 

Even: _Good_

 

Isak: _Long day. Can't wait to see you._

 

When he opened the apartment door it was a mid-afternoon kind of quiet. Mahdi was asleep in bed fully clothed and Even was barely awake beneath Isak's covers.

“Hi, baby,” Isak said softly, dropping his backpack and crawling into bed. “You didn't have to stay up.”

“Didn't want to miss you.”

Isak smiled and moved closer to him, rolling onto his side so that they were facing each other. “You're so fucking sweet. I love you. Can you believe that there was a time when we weren't together?” He tucked Even's hair behind his ear. It'd dried messy against the pillow. “I was so fucking stupid.”

  
**Tuesday**

**Eskild Tryggvason**

Eskild: _Everything better baby gay?_

 

Isak: _Everything's good_

 

Eskild: _Even's okay?_

 

Isak: _He's depressed right now but it's not too bad_

_He'll still talk to me and stuff_

_Even if he didn't, it wouldn't matter_

 

Eskild: _That's good_

 

Isak: _He's getting better already._

 

Eskild: _I'm glad Issy_

 

Isak: _Thanks for asking_

 

Eskild: _And you're taking care of yourself, too?_

 

Isak: _I am_

_I promise._

 

Eskild: _Good._

_You matter, too_

 

Isak: _Thanks guru_

 

Eskild: _I'm here for you always <3_

 

Isak: _I know_

_I can always count on you_

 

Eskild: _Always_

 

**Sanasol**

Isak: _Thanks for the advice gurl_

 

Sanasol: _I'm full of good advice_

 

Isak: _True_

 

Sanasol: _So everything's okay?_

 

Isak: _Everything's great_

_I mean Even's depressed_

_And that sucks_

_But we're together and that matters most_

 

Sanasol: _Sap_

_Even's rubbing off on you_

 

Isak: _Yeah_

_He's got that effect on me_

 

Sanasol: _Ew_

_Cute_

 

Isak: _How's your love life?_

 

Sanasol: _Steady as ever_

 

Isak: _That's good_

 

Sanasol: _Are you doing okay?_

 

Isak: _I already said yes_

 

Sanasol: _Not you and Even_

_You_

_Sleeping? Eating?_

 

Isak: _Yes mom._

 

Sanasol: _Ass_

_Even's great though, isn't he?_

 

Isak: _The best person I know_

 

Sanasol: _SAP_

 

Isak: _:((_

 

Sanasol: _I knew you'd like him_

_As soon as he found out you knew me he texted me_

_Asked me to make you give him a chance_

 

Isak: _You're not in charge of me_

 

Sanasol: _Ha._

_Yeah right._

_Besides, it worked._

 

Isak: _Did it?_

 

Sanasol: _I planted the thoughts in your head_

_And made you seem normal to Even_

 

Isak: _Thanks_

 

Sanasol: _No problem_

 

**Even <3 <3 <3**

Isak: _I miss you <3 One more class and I'll be home_

 

Even: _< 3_

 

Isak: _Doing alright?_

 

Even: _I'm okay_

 

Isak: _Anything I can bring home to make it better?_

_Food? Ice cream?_

 

Even: _I don't know_

 

Isak: _How about I bring some Chinese food?_

_And peanut butter ice cream?_

 

Even: _I'd like that_

 

Isak: _Good. I'll see you in two hours <3_

 

Even: _I love you <3_

 

Isak: _I love you, too, baby <3_

  
**Wednesday**

As soon as he opened the door there was a difference from the past week.

There were voices in the living room, loud and happy. There was laughter. There was the smell of rich coffee and as he passed the threshold, there was all of his roommates surrounding his boyfriend.

“Hi,” Isak said, closing the door and dropping his backpack.

Even was laying on the couch, watching Magnus and Jonas play FIFA, and he turned at Isak's voice and smiled. He'd been asleep when Isak had left for his morning class, so Isak hadn't been able to gauge his mood. But he was so happy with the effortlessness with which he smiled.

“Hey,” Even said, leaning in to kiss him as Isak sat on the couch next to him. “How was class?”

“Fine,” Isak said, stroking his cheek. “How are you?”

“Good,” Even said, smiling again. “I feel good.”

“Oh, fuck, man!” Magnus yelled, craning around his controller with the force of trying to maneuver his players on the screen. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

“Magnus isn't good at this game,” Even said to Isak, leaning into the arm Isak had around his shoulders.

“No, he never has been.” Isak moved closer to rest their temples together. “You smell good.”

“Yeah?” Even asked. “I used Jonas's shampoo. He has it hidden from you but it's nice. Smells like coconut.”

“I love shampoo that doesn't come in 'man scents',” Isak said, running his hand down Even's arm and watching Magnus get his ass kicked in the video game. “No 'alpine forest', or... 'musk'.”

Even laughed. “You're cute.”

Isak drew his arm back from around Even's shoulders and framed his face in both hands, smiling as he brushed his fingers down his cheekbones. “I'm so glad you're smiling, baby.”

Even kissed him, resting their foreheads together. “I'm glad I can make you happy.”

“You always make me happy.”

“Isak!” Magnus said. “Stop it with the sappy shit if you're gonna be in a communal space.”

Isak smiled and kissed Even again, nice and deep like they hadn't done in weeks, crowding into his space and nearly crawling into his lap when Even opened his mouth for Isak's tongue.

“Boo!” Jonas said, throwing a pillow at them. “Get a room.”

Isak pulled back and settled close to Even, reveling in his smile as the others turned back to the game. Mahdi was sprawled sideways over the armchair with a glass of orange juice resting on his chest, watching Jonas score his seventh goal.

“What'd you do this morning?” Isak asked when Even had his head back on Isak's shoulder.

“Woke up after you were gone, took a shower, made some breakfast, drew a little bit.”

“Yeah?” Isak asked. “What'd you draw?”

“You, of course,” Even said. “I can't draw anything else.”

“That's probably not a very good thing for an art student.”

“I'm working on my museum piece.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember,” Isak said, rubbing Even's back. “ _The Boy Who Strung Me Along._ Coming along nicely?”

“It's beautiful. I have a beautiful subject, though.”

Isak laughed instead of rolling his eyes like he once would. It was just so nice to have him talking and smiling and joking again. “Oh, God,” he said, kissing Even's forehead as Even picked up his head to look at him. “I love you.”

It wasn't perfect. Even wasn't through it yet and Isak wasn't fixed.

But it felt so much better than it had been. Isak would go through it all again, if he could end it with this moment of relief.

  
**Thursday**

Isak was on his stomach on the bed with his anatomy textbook open, and Even was sitting against the headboard with a paperback. It'd been peaceful. Even had left the house for the first time since his doctor's appointment on Saturday, to meet Isak for lunch between his classes. And it went well. It left him drained, but he had a smile on his lips the whole time. When Isak was done with his classes for the day, he'd found Even awake and productive, sketching at the kitchen table in the apartment while Jonas took a nap in the bedroom to prepare for his upcoming political science class.

He was feeling good. Isak could tell he wasn't lying when he said it; he was actually feeling better this time, he wasn't just claiming it so that Isak would feel better.

And he looked sexy. Isak could allow his libido back with Even looking so sexy. So he pushed away his textbook and moved between Even's legs, looking up at him as he slid his zipper down slowly, tooth by tooth.

Even put his book down, peering down at Isak as if in shock, but not moving to stop what was happening.

“Is this okay?” Isak asked. “I've missed this.”

“What are you doing?” Even asked, swallowing tightly, as if Isak's intentions had ever been a mystery.

“I'm gonna blow you,” Isak said, smiling at Even's groan. “Would you like that?”

“Fuck, baby, of course I would.”

Isak liked giving head. He hadn't really noticed it before; when he was younger it was just something he did, regardless of enjoyment. He didn't know whether or not it was fun, he just knew he had to do it. So maybe it was just with Even, or maybe he always would have, if he'd taken the time to, if he'd been in a better mindset. It didn't really matter, all he knew was that when presented with the opportunity to suck Even's dick, he took it.

He knew he was good at it. He took a strange sense of pride in it, really. In making Even lose it. All of those forgotten nights of his youth left him with a talent, if nothing else.

“Fuck,” Even said, chest heaving as Isak pulled off and tucked him back into his jeans smugly. “Holy fuck, I've missed that. I can't believe I lived for two weeks without it.”

Isak laughed and crawled up to rest on his chest.

“Let me take care of you,” Even said.

“No,” Isak said with a smile, catching Even's hands as he reached down to Isak's waistband. “That was for you.”

“What'd I do to deserve it?” Even asked, twisting his fingers through Isak's.

“You were your amazing self. I just wanted to do something for you. You've been having a rough couple weeks.”

“So have you. I have skilled fingers. I can get you off so fast.”

Isak laughed, sitting between Even's legs with his back against Even's chest. He twisted his head around to kiss him, still holding his hands tight because they wanted to creep downwards. “I don't want anything,” Isak said. “Really. I just want to be with you.” He handed the book back to Even. “Read out loud to me.”

So Even did, resting his cheek against Isak's and wrapping his arms around his waist to hold his book in front of both of them. Isak reveled in the sound. He'd gone so long without it; this clear, confident voice, not scratchy from disuse or broken by doubt. He'd replaced it with his own, with movies and songs, but it didn't compare.

Resting against Even, he felt solid again. Like he had before, even though everything had changed. And it was wonderful.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyways it's been 12 chapters and i still don't know if they eat chinese food in norway but i love chinese food and don't want to imagine a world without it so this world has it.  
> i live for comments <3


	13. Week 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y'all ready for some more fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow 1200 kudos this is ridiculous i can't believe it <3   
> thank you for all the sweet comments i love them so much! i love knowing that people are enjoying this :)  
> well only 2 chapters left after this...  
> warnings in end notes :) and not proofread u know the drill

**Friday**

“Do you remember that time,” Even said, “when you were really drunk, and you asked me if I'd still like you if I knew everything?”

Isak very vaguely did, and he felt his cheeks heat up at it. He definitely didn't miss needing to get drunk to show his affections. He didn't miss being dragged to parties. He'd spilled all his secrets to Even that night, despite Even asking him not to.

“Yeah, I remember,” Isak said. He was holding Even from behind on the couch in the empty apartment with a movie Isak didn't understand on in front of them.

“Well, I have stuff like that,” Even said hesitantly. “That I want to tell you about. But... I'm afraid it'll change things.”

“Baby,” Isak said, running one hand down Even's front. “Nothing can change this. We're solid.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, of course.” He slid his fingers up inside Even's hoodie to graze bare skin. “What's up? You don't have to tell me, but I'll still love you if you do.”

“I just....” He had started too quickly and sighed to slow himself down, and Isak settled in behind him as what he hoped would be a comforting weight, something grounding him. “When I was younger, I tried to kill myself.”

Isak felt his breath catch and hoped Even didn't notice. “What?”

“I was in a really bad place. I don't know, I was struggling with my sexuality and just being diagnosed with bipolar and during this manic episode when I was broken up with Sonja, I tried to kiss my best friend, and he... freaked the fuck out. Was totally religious.” Even sounded doubtful. He didn't sound like he really remembered everything that had happened, but rather like he'd pieced it together from stories he'd been told. Maybe he'd fabricated the whole reason, after the fact, to block out a reality he didn't want to acknowledge, so that he had someone to blame, even if it was himself.

“He told me to cure myself. You know, what people say to people who aren't straight. He told me I was going to hell and at the time I only really hung around religious people, so I thought that they would all agree if they found out. So I read the Qur'an, and when I couldn't figure out how to stop, I read it in Arabic, thinking it was just a shitty translation or something, and that the real deal would hold this... this secret to healing myself.” He took a shaking breath, still faced away from Isak, and Isak held him tight.

“I didn't realize that I was manic. I mean, obviously. I never really know unless someone tells me I am, and even then I don't usually believe them. But I was, and my... obsession with trying not to be gay or bi or whatever was really fucking even more with my head, and so when I crashed....”

He stopped talking, but Isak could piece it together. When he crashed, and he wasn't cured, he tried to die.

After a while, Even started speaking again. “I realized later that no one else cared. My other friends, they didn't give a fuck that I liked guys. They never had, and they especially didn't think I should've been bullied into suicide for it.”

At the word suicide, Isak clutched him around the waist. He didn't like that word.

“But I didn't... I didn't want to face it,” Even said. “I didn't want to have to think about what I'd done and why I'd done it. So I got back together with my girlfriend, and I never answered any of my friends' texts or calls, and I told my sisters not to let them in to see me. They were trying to tell me it was okay to be who I am, but it was so shitty. To be seen as the fucking broken guy who tried to die so that he wouldn't have to handle what tons of people go through every day.”

“Don't say that,” Isak said. “Just because it happens to other people doesn't mean it's any less significant that it happened to you.” He smoothed fingers through Even's hair. “So many people die because they're not like everybody else.” Gay people are killed because they're not straight, black people are killed because they're not white, women are killed because they're not men. “I'm so glad you made it through,” Isak said. “I'm so glad you're here with me, and you can tell me this, and I can tell you that you're perfect.”

“I just... I know that you struggled a lot with being gay,” Even said. “And you always saw me as someone completely comfortable, and I'm not. I reacted to it worse than you did, and I'm afraid of not being strong for you.”

“You didn't react worse than I did,” Isak said indignantly. “Every single night I went out, I could've been killed. I almost was, a couple times. I knew that, Even, and I did it anyways. And it doesn't matter. We're here now, and we're strong for each other. You take care of me, I'll take care of you.”

Isak had never loved himself before he loved Even. And now he felt that Even hadn't loved himself, either. But it didn't matter. As long as there's someone who loves him more than he's able to love himself, he'll be fine.

  
**Saturday**

Watching Martin, Anders, Magnus, and Mahdi play Mario Kart was even more entertaining than watching Magnus play FIFA, because he was just as bad but the stakes were so much higher. Every time he was nudged off of Rainbow Road by Martin's Princess Peach, he cried out in anguish and waited to be fished from the recesses of the game and set back on the track.

“Fuck you, man!” Magnus yelled, falling off the track again, courtesy of Luigi, piloted by Mahdi.

“The game's named after your car driver, Mags,” Jonas said. “You're supposed to be better at this. You're tarnishing Mario's good name.”

“Ha ha fuck you, too,” Magnus pronounced, twisting his whole body in an attempt to round a sharp corner.

Isak had Even leaning back against him, half on his chest, spread out on the couch. Isak's arm was over his shoulder, his hand on Even's chest.

“Anyone want to smoke before the next game?” Jonas asked. The others were too invested in their game (a close race between Anders, Martin, and Mahdi, with Magnus a full lap behind) to answer, but Even said, “I'm gonna lay off this time.”

Isak kissed behind his ear and said, “Me too.”

It was too close to the end of a depressive episode to endanger rapid cycling. He wasn't even out of this one yet, he certainly didn't want to start putting himself at risk for hypomania again, or a full blown manic episode. And Isak was a diligent boyfriend. Isak was loving and he knew that certain things were hard, that people have their demons. Even had stayed by his side through attempted rape, through sleepless nights, through a past with men he couldn't get out of his life. Isak could support him through this. If that meant refraining from pot—a social substance for him more than anything, anyways—then he could do it.

“Okay. I guess I'll ask these idiots when they're done fucking around with a game that's like ten years old,” Jonas said.

“That is an old game,” Isak said.

“Never loses its charm,” Even said.

“Or its ability to piss people off.” Isak hugged Even from behind and kissed his cheek. “I like hearing you laugh again, though. And watching Mags suck at this seems to do the trick.”

“It does,” Even said, smiling and leaning farther back into him as Magnus raised his middle finger behind him without looking from the screen.

“If you ever beat me in Mario Kart, I'm breaking up with you,” Isak said.

“Noted.”

At the end of the game the five roommates circled up on the floor to pass a bong between them, and Isak and Even shifted so Even's head was in Isak's lap and his long legs were taking up the entire couch. They watched their friends smoke as Isak stroked his hair and Jonas got high enough to comfortably rant about capitalism.

“Smells good,” Even said, looking at the boys.

“It does,” Isak confirmed, scratching lightly at Even's scalp with bitten nails. “But you know what's better about not smoking? You don't get really hungry, and eat everything in sight, and then feel sick in the morning. And you don't say stupid shit that doesn't make sense.” He twisted some hair between his fingers. “And you don't constantly worry that you're higher than everyone else.”

“I do worry about that.”

“The first time I ever smoked in the collective,” Isak said, “I was so paranoid that Eskild would find out and kick me out. So I, like, locked myself in his bedroom, because that's where I lived, and I smoked out the window, and used all this air freshener and shit. And then I got so fucking hungry, I mean you know how it is, so I went to go out to the kitchen. But holy shit. I was so high, and so paranoid about _being_ so high, that I was overly-conscious about how I was walking. Totally convinced I was walking weird, so I kept altering it, to try to look normal and stuff. And I didn't, and it took me like ten minutes to get out of the fucking room and into the kitchen, where everyone had been sitting there watching me walk out of my room. I was so concentrated on walking that I failed to notice literally everyone I lived with silently watching me make a ten-minute trek out of the bedroom.”

“Dude, every time you get high you get slow as shit,” Magnus said as Even laughed in Isak's lap.

“That's because I always think I'm walking suspiciously,” Isak said.

“Once you smoked at the apartment when we were supposed to be at a party, and you came into the kitchen and made yourself a sandwich but we were all standing right there,” Jonas said. “You made a full meal and didn't see us once.”

Isak had no memory of this, but he didn't doubt that it'd happened. He used to smoke so that he wouldn't have to deal with his own thoughts, and the things he did were weird as shit. He wasn't really someone who did anything in moderation. If he was going to smoke, he'd smoke a whole joint by himself. If he was drinking he wouldn't stop. If he was studying it was for five hours at a time, long after it became useful to continue. Most of all, if he'd been forced into sex once, he'd let himself be used time and time again.

“I don't know why everyone's picking on me,” Isak said, “when Jonas always starts talking about politics and yelling at people when he gets too high, and Mahdi gets really creepy and quiet and just watches people silently, and Magnus asks inappropriate questions at high volumes. Plus, no one was talking to you dicks.”

“Anything you say to Even can be said to us all,” Jonas asserted, and Isak made a face at him, running his fingers through strands of Even's hair again.

“What about that time we came home from a party and he was asleep in the hallway outside the apartment?” Mahdi asked. Isak usually trusted Mahdi to be on his side, but clearly he couldn't anymore.

Jonas was laughing annoyingly hard as he choked out, “Oh, shit, yeah, he thought he locked himself out but the door was unlocked the whole time.”

Isak looked down at Even. “You're the only person I like in the world.”

“Fine with me, love.”

“Hey!” Magnus said. “Stop being gross.”

“Don't be jealous,” Isak snapped, leaning down to kiss Even. “I've gotta be sexy to help Even out of his depression.”

“That's not how it works,” Magnus said.

“Fuck you, you don't know what my sexiness can do.”

“I know that I've heard you have sex before and while it might make Even talk to God a lot it doesn't really have the power to heal.”

Isak flushed red as Even laughed. “What the fuck, Mags!”

“What? Everyone's heard you two have sex.”

He knew about Anders and Martin, because they'd been in the apartment during some of the times they'd had sex in that twenty-four hour sex marathon when they first got together. But he thought they'd been pretty careful around his own apartment.

“You have?” Isak asked, hands stone still, one in Even's hair and one on his chest.

“Yeah. You sound hot, bro,” Magnus said with a wink and a celebratory raise of the bong.

“Oh, God.”

“That's the phrase,” Mahdi said, and everyone burst into laughter.

“I need new friends.”

“New friends wouldn't deal with the shit you've put us through,” Jonas said.

“That's true,” Isak answered. “But I'm a changed man, now. I've got a hot boyfriend. I've peaked. I don't need anyone to deal with my shit anymore. I've got a lot less of it.”

“Peaked at nineteen,” Anders mused. “The rest of your life's gonna be pretty bad, man.”

“My peaks last decades, thank you,” Isak said. “To make up for decades of shittiness.”

“Nineteen years of shittiness leads to a nineteen-year peak,” Jonas said.

“It's only fair,” Martin said, nodding at Isak.

Isak liked this. Talking with people who didn't judge him for anything. Feeling comfortable and even confident. When he was young he didn't think he'd have this, any of it. Now he felt like he had everything. He brushed his fingers down Even's cheeks and smiled when their eyes met. Things were good.

  
**Sunday**

**Even <3 <3 <3**

Even: _Where are you :(_

 

Isak: _Had to go to work. Left early to get some extra hours._

 

Even: _Did you kiss me goodbye?_

 

Isak: _You were asleep_

 

Even: _I know but did you?_

 

Isak: _Of course I did_

 

Even: _Sap_

 

Isak: _I'm gonna break up with you_

 

Even: _Don't joke about that :(_

 

Isak: _No jokes here_

 

Even: _Meanie_

 

Isak: _Why are you acting like a 5 yr old this morning?_

 

Even: _I woke up alone_

 

Isak: _You woke up without me for 21 years_

 

Even: _But I thought I'd never have to again_

 

Isak: _You're a baby <3_

 

Even: _I miss you_

 

Isak: _I miss you, too, but I need money_

_Maybe I'll see you later?_

 

Even: _I'm not really feeling up to visiting today_

_I'm sorry_

 

Isak: _That's okay_

_What do you think you'll do_

 

Even: _Probably try to catch up on some work, if I can_

_I already talked to the professors_

 

Isak: _They're okay with having you make up things?_

 

Even: _Yeah I've got a file at disability services_

 

Isak: _Will you have to stay late to take your finals?_

 

Even: _No I only have one liberal arts final. The rest are projects for art classes_

 

Isak: _What's your liberal arts final for?_

 

Even: _Gender studies_

 

Isak: _Well fuck you'll do fine then_

 

Even: _Have fun at work_

_I'm gonna take a shower_

_I'll call you later_

 

Isak: _Okay <3_

 

Even: _I'll meet you at the bus stop after your shift_

 

Isak: _You're the best baby_

 

Even: _Love you_

 

Isak: _Love you too_

  
**Monday**

“Baby gay!” Eskild yelled into the screen.

“Hi, Eskild,” Isak said to his laptop. Eskild was moving fast through the apartment, a stuttering blur of pixels for moments at a time. “Can you slow down? I can't see anything.”

He only stopped when he was in Linn's room, collapsing on her bed. “Say hi to Issy, Linn!”

“Hey, man,” Linn said with a reserved smile. “How's college?”

“It's great,” Isak said.

“And how's the boyfriend?” came Noora's voice from elsewhere in the room, before plopping down on Eskild's other side and looking into the camera.

“Much better,” Isak answered with a nod.

“Where is this hunk?” Eskild asked. “I've been trying to explain the full extent of his hotness to the girls, from the night at the club, but it's very hard.”

“Stop calling my boyfriend hot, you weirdo,” Isak said. “He's taking a shower. And I don't really want you to talk to him.”

Eskild inhaled an offended gasp. “What? Why?”

“Because you freak everyone out when you talk about me! You act like a really fucking strange dad.”

“I am your dad, little boy. I'm all of your fathers. I take in drunken strays.”

“That was just me,” Isak said.

“You're right, Noora was a little angel stray. She had my flyer and everything when she came to look at the place. She did everything right.” He smacked a loud kiss to Noora's cheek and she scrunched her face up.

“And Linn?” Isak asked.

“This was my apartment first,” Linn said. “I made a mistake letting all of you into it. Especially Eskild, because Eskild brought the rest of you.”

“Linn!” Noora said. “You love us!”

Linn had been a comforting and constant presence in Isak's life, one he needed when he was brought to the collective. She barely ever did anything. She was always in the apartment. When she was on the couch Isak would lie with her without talking for hours. Sometimes she wouldn't touch him, but at the times he needed it most she would braid short strands of his hair. He didn't know how she knew when. She probably didn't. Unlike Eskild and Noora, he was able to complain to her without having her try to fix it. She would just nod and say, “That sucks, man.”

“You're tolerable,” Linn said. “But without Isak I'm outnumbered by extroverts.”

“Sorry, Linn,” Isak said. “I'll come visit this summer. Even loves movies, and he hates when I talk during them, so maybe you two would get along.”

“I do hate when you talk during movies,” Linn agreed. “And you love to talk during movies.”

“They're boring,” Isak said with indignation. “And I usually don't understand what's happening in them.”

“That's because you talk through the entire plot,” Noora said, and Isak really hadn't known that he caused this much trouble in the flat's collective enjoyment of media.

He didn't notice that the shower had shut off until Even pushed the door open and he looked over his laptop at him, standing there in sweatpants and a t-shirt, hair wet and falling over his forehead.

“Hey, babe,” he said, coming towards the bed, and he looked so much better that Isak didn't have the heart to tell him to wait in the living room until he was done talking. Besides, having his old roommates meet his boyfriend was all he really had in terms of normal relationship progression. Bringing him to the hospital to meet his mom hadn't really been the step he'd needed.

“Hi,” Isak said, making room on the bed for him to sit next to him and be in sight of the laptop. “These are my old roommates. You know Eskild, obviously.”

“Hi, gorgeous,” Eskild said, smiling his flirty smile that he reserved for women he didn't want and men he couldn't have. “Nice to see you again.”

“Hey, Eskild,” Even said, leaning his head against Isak's and throwing a smile.

“And that's Linn.” He pointed to the redhead and then shifted to the blonde. “And Noora.”

“Hi, nice to meet you,” Noora said with a winning smile. “Never thought I'd meet a boyfriend of Isak's.”

“Rude,” Isak said, playing with Even's fingers between his own. The laptop sat on their outstretched legs.

“I never thought I'd get to become a boyfriend of Isak's,” Even said, and was met with _awww_ s from Noora and Eskild as Isak blushed.

“Don't embarrass me in front of Linn,” Isak teased, setting his chin on Even's shoulder to kiss his cheek.

“Wow, he's so soft and pliant,” Noora observed on the laptop monitor. “I've never seen him like that.”

“That's because he was a scared kid,” Linn said. “Who made bad decisions.”

“Fuck you,” Isak said, although it was true. And all of them would rather mention Isak's bad decisions than think about the things that happened to him that weren't his decision.

“Well it's nice to meet the two of you,” Even said, nodding at them through the camera.

“How's it feel to meet the parents?” Eskild asked.

“Scarier than meeting his actual parents,” Even answered with a laugh, but Eskild just cried, “You've met his parents? _I_ haven't even met his parents!”

“Just my mom,” Isak said. “And I didn't want you to meet my parents, Eskild, they'd just make you sad and angry and you'd probably hit my dad.”

“I'd hit anyone for you,” Eskild cooed.

“Besides,” Isak said, “you know you're my pretty much my dad, guru. Closer than the real guy.”

Eskild beamed at this praise. “You think?” he asked in faux modesty.

Isak nodded with a smile. “I do.”

  
**Tuesday**

“What's the best thing about dating a boy?” Magnus asked when they were all in Even's living room. Even was sketching, sat on the floor with Isak's socks in his lap, and Isak was laid down on his back counting the spiderweb cracks in the ceiling.

“A dick,” Isak said.

Magnus made a face. “That doesn't sound very nice.”

“Well that's because you're straight,” Isak answered.

“Yeah, but, I'm striking out so much with girls, maybe I'm really gay but don't know it. Like Isak when we were younger.”

“I always knew I was gay, Mags,” Isak said with a sigh. “I just didn't want to admit it. And I was super gay when I slept with girls, too, so it's not lack of attraction on your part when you strike out.”

“But seriously, what are the best things?” Magnus asked. “I think I'd like being with a guy.”

“If you don't like other dicks then you won't like being with a guy,” Jonas said.

“I meant, like, cohabiting with a dude. A non-sexual romantic relationship. I could, like, kiss a guy, and stuff.”

“But you're attracted to girls,” Mahdi said.

“How about we stop judging me and let me make a decision after Isak and Even tell me what's so great about dating another guy?”

Isak looked up at Even, who had set his sketchbook aside and had both his hands on Isak's legs.

“Well,” Isak started. “You never have to bring clothes over if you're sleeping over.”

“Guys are better at blowjobs,” Even said. “From my experience, I mean. My ex said girls are better at eating out, though. You're good at what you like, I guess.”

“I do give fantastic blowjobs,” Isak said. “And then there's, like, you don't have to deal with gender stereotypes, really. I mean, there's other stereotypes, obviously, but there's nothing really that I'm expected to do that Even isn't.”

“Explain,” Anders said.

“Well, in a straight relationship, the ones that you see in mainstream media and stuff, it's like the guys pay for dates. The women cook and clean. Men, I don't know... men are the big spoon and they're the ones to ask all the big questions, like moving in together and marriage and stuff. With us, there's no expectations for that stuff. Whoever's more suited for the job does it. Even cooks and cleans and pays for dates. It doesn't really adhere to any stigma.”

“In that department,” Even said. “There are other stigmas.”

“Man!” Magnus whined. “That sounds fucking awesome. Why do only gay guys get that?”

Even laughed. “If you're willing to put up with the prejudice, you deserve some good things,” he said, pulling at Isak's hands to sit him up and pull him into a kiss.

“Or you could just find a girl that works for you,” Martin said.

“Yeah, thanks to gay people, more gender-specific stigmas in relationships are breaking down,” Jonas said, and Isak knew exactly what book he'd read that in because it was all he could talk about for months after reading it.

“I thought you were over your _Men Explain Things To Me_ phase,” Isak said, resting against Even's side.

“ _Men Explain Things To Me_ will never be an irrelevant book, and Rebecca Solnit will never be an irrelevant author.”

“She was writing about America, you dumb fuck, it had nothing had to do with you,” Isak said, because he, too, had read the book. Jonas didn't know this, though. He thought he'd lost it but it really was in Isak's bedside drawer.

“She was writing about the western world, Isak!”

Jonas tended to get kind of up in arms about political things that people tried to fight him on, so Isak dropped it with a, “Whatever. She's right. Gay relationships are threatening the traditional way of life in that there's no patriarchy within them.”

“I knew you read it!” Jonas said.

“It was good.”

Even leaned in to whisper, “You're so hot.”

“Academia turns you on?”

“Mmhm. Hottie.”

“No one's as hot as you,” Isak said back.

“You are. The hottest.” He kissed Isak's jaw and Isak laughed.

“Hey, we can hear you,” Mahdi said, and Isak blushed when he looked up to see all five roommates looking at them.

“That was the sappiest shit I've ever heard in my entire life,” Martin said. “Holy fuck. That was so cute.”

“It wasn't cute!” Isak said.

“It was, Jesus Christ.”

“We never thought you would be this fucking cute with someone,” Jonas said.

“Glad we set you two up,” Mahdi finished with a nod.

Isak had almost forgotten that they'd met because of their friends. And as much as he didn't want to give them credit for any part of involvement in his life, this was a good thing they'd done.

  
**Wednesday**

“Sweetheart?” Even asked, and at his concerned tone, Isak thought he'd probably asked for him a few times before. He looked up from his hands twisting a receipt for M&M's into pieces. “You alright?”

“Mamma hasn't looked good the last few times I've seen her,” Isak said, leg bouncing. The countryside flew by the train window. “I don't want to have to tell her that my dad fucked her over. Again.”

“Calm down,” Even said, placing a hand on Isak's thigh to still it. “It's not your fault.”

“There has to be something I can do to get him to agree,” Isak said.

“Maybe,” Even said, in a tone that was trying to be cheerful while giving away his own doubts.

“Or maybe he's just a fucking asshole,” Isak said, dropping his forehead to Even's shoulder.

“Hey,” Even said, rubbing his back. “Let's just focus on your mom for now, okay? We can think about your dad later.”

“You're right,” Isak said. “I hope she's in a better place this time. I don't like seeing her so sad.”

“I know. It's hard.”

His mom was sitting up on the edge of her bed, waiting for Isak, and it made him happy.

“Hi, you look so good, Mamma,” he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “You remember Even?”

“Of course, hi, it's good to see you,” Marianne said with a smile, taking Even's hand in both of her own. “How are you? Both of you?”

“Good,” Isak said as Even nodded. “We're good. Right?”

Even smiled. “We're great.”

“I'm so glad,” she said with a tired smile.

“Finals are coming up,” Isak said. “School will be over soon. I can visit whenever you want.”

She perked up at that. “Will you come to chapel with me on Sundays?”

“Sure, Mamma,” he said through masked discomfort. “I'd love to.”

“Really?”

And he realized that no matter what she asked of him, he'd say yes to hear that hope come to fruition. He could sit through an hour of church in a hospital that was stealing his mother's life. He could do one thing to make her happy in a place she hated.

“Would you like to come, Even?” she asked, with bright eyes.

He smiled. “Of course, Miss Valtersen.”

Isak grinned at him and let his mother talk excitedly for the first time in years. He would do anything to have her be like this all the time. He had to convince his father to let her move. She deserved more than this.

  
**Thursday**

**Pappa**

Isak: _I really need to talk to you_

_About mamma_

_I know you don't want to but we have to_

_You can't just keep ignoring it_

_That place is killing her_

 

**Pappa**

Isak: _Hello???_

_You can't just ignore this_

 

**Pappa**

Isak: _Why are you such a fucking asshole_

_Why don't you care about anyone but yourself_

_She needs us_

 

**Pappa**

Isak: _Pappa please_

_I'll do anything_

 

Pappa: _Come to dinner tomorrow night_

 

Isak: _With you?_

 

Pappa: _Yes. You come to dinner, and we can discuss Mamma._

 

Isak: _You're blackmailing me into spending time with you?_

 

Pappa: _It isn't blackmail, Isak, you're my son, you should be spending time with me anyways_

 

Isak: _You have never treated me like your son_

 

Pappa: _Just come. You can even bring your boyfriend._

 

Isak: _I don't want him to meet you_

 

Pappa: _I won't say anything about mental illness_

 

Isak: _I don't like the thought of you knowing anything about him_

_Judging him and wishing he was normal_

_Like you always did with mamma_

 

Pappa: _I won't judge him_

 

Isak: _That's all you do_

 

Pappa: _Isak I don't give a fuck if he comes or not_

_I just thought it might make you more comfortable_

_Regardless, you need to come to dinner for any progress to be made with Mamma_

_Is that fair?_

 

Isak: _No_

 

Pappa: _Then stop asking to talk about it_

 

Isak: _Fine. I'll come_

 

Pappa: _Great. I'll send you the details._

 

“Isak?” Even asked, closing the door to his bedroom as he walked inside. “Are you alright?”

Isak shook his head, staring at the ground, and Even picked his cell phone up from where he'd thrown it against the wall. The screen was shattered but it still turned on.

“What happened?” Even asked, going to sit next to him.

“My dad.” A part of his brain screamed to stop. _You're a mess. Even doesn't need to hear about this. Stop being a burden to everyone you know._ But he knew now that Even felt the same as he did, sometimes. And he would hate to know that Even was keeping something from him just because it might burden Isak. “He finally texted me back.”

“Yeah?” Even asked, rubbing his back.

“I've been trying to talk to him for months about moving Mamma. I've been trying so hard. But he won't listen.”

“I know, baby,” Even said, pressing a kiss to Isak's temple. “I know. I'm sorry.”

Isak took a shaking breath, still staring hard at the floor, turning the broken phone over in his hands. Despite everything he'd done in his life, he'd been a pretty passive person. He wasn't violent. He didn't yell. As he was healing, he was expressing everything he should have when he was younger. He wasn't sure if he liked it or not, if it was good for him or not. But at least he wasn't letting life simply happen to him anymore.

“He said he'd talk to me if I meet him for dinner. Only if I meet him for dinner.”

“Really?” Even asked, and Isak finally looked up at him.

For all the shit in Even's life, at least he had good parents.

“Yeah. But it's fine. If it means he'll listen, I'll go.”

“Are you sure you'll be okay?” Even asked, smoothing Isak's hair from his face.

Isak shrugged. “I don't know. I....” He sighed. “I don't know.”

“Maybe you could ask your dad if I could come with you,” Even suggested. “If you think it'd help, I'd go.”

Isak smiled a little, humorlessly. “He already invited you. But he's a bigot. He hated Mamma when she became sick.” He put a hand on Even's jaw. “I don't want him to ever hate you.”

“Isak,” Even said, kissing Isak's palm. “Don't ever think that could damage me. Anyone who's hurt you isn't worth any thought at all. I'd love to come. Just for support.” He smiled, taking Isak's hands in his own. “He can't break me, baby.”

“I know he can't,” Isak said. “And I don't want him to be able to break me, Even, but he can. He always has. I don't know if I want you to see me like that.”

“Baby, you've seen me at my worst. It's only fair that we level the field.”

Isak smiled at that, and pulled Even in for a kiss. “I don't deserve you.”

“You deserve everything.”

“What have I said about the sappy shit, Even?”

“What have I said about being so hard on yourself?”

Isak kissed him again, deeper and messier this time. “You're probably the best thing to ever happen to me.” Up there with Eskild finding him, and getting into college, and meeting Jonas and Magnus and Mahdi. His life wasn't full of a lot of good things.

“You're the best thing to happen to me, too,” Even whispered against his lips, smiling into their next kiss that toppled them sideways on the bedsheets. “I'll meet your dad. And he'll be nothing compared to you.”

Isak smiled, then looked at his phone. “Fuck. I have to go to the Apple store now or some shit. Fuck. Why did I do this? I don't have any money.”

Even laughed and kissed the side of his head. “We'll figure it out.”

It had become something of a mantra. It's okay if we don't know it now. It's okay if you can't handle it. It's okay if today you can't eat and tonight you can't sleep. Don't worry. We'll figure it out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of attempted suicide
> 
> leave me comments/requests here or on tumblr i love them!  
> i'll post when to expect chapter 14 on my tumblr when i know, and any delays in posting <3


	14. Week 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow one more chapter to go before this ends <3 thank you for over 1280 kudos and all your lovely comments it means so much to know that y'all like it <3 hope i can do the end justice for everyone :)  
> not proofread (i'm so sorry) and written in one day so mistakes are sure to be there.  
> there will be a bit of a wait for the next chapter bc i want to make sure it closes everything right, but i'll post updates to my tumblr and answer any questions there <3

**Friday**

“Don't be nervous,” Even said, pressing a kiss to Isak's temple as he took his shaking hands.

“Good advice,” Isak said, looking at the two of them in the mirror.

Even stepped behind him and wrapped his arms around Isak's waist. “Are you okay? Why so nervous, baby?”

“I don't care what he thinks,” Isak said. “But I've been fighting with him so much lately. I used to just let him say and do what he wanted, now I don't. And I don't want to... freak out on him and have him use it as a reason to say no to moving Mamma.”

“I'm sorry, baby,” Even said, kissing the side of his head. “I know it's hard. I'm so sorry.”

Isak turned in Even's arms and put his hands on his chest, peering up at him. He was doing so much better. “I'll be okay. You keep me calm.” He kissed Even and smiled when he pulled away. “Are you ready to go?”

“Sure. If you are. Do I look nice?”

“You always look nice.”

“You don't have to flirt with me now that we're dating, you know,” Even said.

Isak scoffed. “I've never flirted with you in my life.”

“No?”

Isak shook his head as he left the bedroom with Even trailing after. “Of course not.”

“Oh right, you just got drunk and complimented me and tried to kiss me,” Even said as he closed the apartment door behind him.

“You suck,” Isak said.

Even caught up with him and wrapped an arm around his waist to walk him to the bus stop. “We should get a cat,” he said.

“Why are you always proposing pets to me?” Isak asked, stopping and turning against Even's chest when they got to the tram stop, letting Even hug him around the waist and pull him close.

“Because I love you. From the first time I saw you I knew that someday I'd love you.”

“When I was cold to you at a party?” Isak said, face buried in the side of Even's neck. “Because my friends were assholes trying to set me up?”

“No, on the first day of classes,” Even said, dropping a kiss to the top of Isak's head before he pulled back abruptly.

“What.”

“What?”

“What'd you just say?” Isak asked. “You saw me on the first day of classes?”

“Yeah,” Even answered with a shrug.

“Of last semester?”

“Yes.”

“How? What the fuck? Why am I only hearing about this now?”

“I saw you with your friends in the cafeteria,” Even said. “And then later I had a liberal studies class with Jonas, and I befriended him, and I sold him weed and stuff.”

“That's some stalkery shit, Even,” Isak said through a badly-hidden smile.

“Your friends are awesome,” Even said. “Even if I never got you, at least I became friends with them.”

Isak kissed him. “But you did get me.”

“I did, didn't I?” Even said against his lips with a smile.

They rode the tram to the restaurant pressed close together as they stood during rush hour, and Isak thought of those times they'd ridden together before they started dating. He had reveled in being pushed against Even by passengers, then, instead of being annoyed at their jostling like he usually would have been. Now he leaned forward against Even's chest, both reaching up to hold onto the pole.

An old lady sitting next to them tapped Isak on the leg until he looked down. “Hi,” he said.

“Hello,” she answered. “Your tall friend is standing on my grocery bags.”

Isak looked up at Even. “Babe. You're standing on this woman's groceries. Move.”

Even glanced down and shuffled away, holding onto Isak's waist for balance. “Sorry, ma'am.”

“That's alright,” she said, gathering her bags protectively at her feet and away from Even's.

“He's a giant,” Isak said. “He can't control his limbs.”

“Well the two of you make a beautiful couple,” the woman said, with a pat to Isak's leg again, before turning away and ending their interaction, leaving Isak smiling.

“You're beautiful,” Even said, kissing Isak's forehead.

“You are,” Isak said with a smile, and grinned up at him until they reached their stop and left the bus hand in hand.

“Are you ready to see him?” Even asked as they approached the restaurant.

Isak shrugged. “I haven't seen him in two years. I've barely talked to him. I don't know, I just want to get this over with and get a free meal out of it.”

Even held the door open for Isak and he passed over the threshold.

“Table for two?” the hostess asked.

“No, we're meeting my dad, I don't know if he's already here,” Isak said, holding Even's hand.

“Is it that man?” she asked, turning over her shoulder and pointing to a table near the window.

“Yeah,” Isak said after a moment when it felt like all the breath had rushed out of him. “Yeah, that's him.”

She led them to the table with two menus in her hand and left them standing in front of his father.

Terje stood up in front of them. “Isak.”

“Hi,” Isak said, sitting down before he was able to shake his hand or hug him or whatever his intentions had been, but Even shook Terje's extended hand and introduced himself.

“Even. Isak's boyfriend. It's nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Terje said, sitting down across from them as Even took his seat next to Isak. “It's good to see you, Isak.”

“Yeah,” Isak said, staring fixedly at the menu.

“Thanks for agreeing to dinner.”

“I didn't really have a choice,” Isak said. He turned to Even. “What are you getting?”

“I dunno, I was thinking pasta,” Even said. He put a hand on Isak's knee and leaned in to say, “Settle down,” under the pretext of reaching for a breadstick. Isak put his hand on top of Even's and squeezed.

His phone buzzed and he pulled it from his pocket to open the message from Jonas. _Be patient with the asshole <3_

“What happened to your phone?” Terje asked, to interrupt the stretching silence.

“Dropped it,” Isak said, tucking it back into his pocket without replying.

“I can order you a new one,” his father offered.

“I can handle it,” Isak lied, and the silence fell heavy again.

“Even,” Terje said. “How are you liking college?”

“Oh, I love it, sir,” Even said, nodding and smiling his charming smile. “The art classes are great here.”

Isak flinched as soon as he said that. His father was disapproving of a lot of things, and unstable careers were one of them.

“You're an art student?” Terje asked with hardly maintained disapproval.

“Yes, sir,” Even said.

“Pappa,” Isak warned.

“What do you hope to do with that?” Terje asked, ignoring Isak.

“Pappa!” Isak said. “You said we can talk about Mamma. That's why I'm here. And Even's here to support me, not be interrogated by you as if you suddenly care about. So can we cut the shit? And just get through this?”

“I invited you here so we could talk about your life,” Terje said. “So I could learn about you. I haven't seen you in months, Isak.”

“Months?” Isak repeated. “You haven't seen me in _two years_ , Pappa!”

He should have stood up then. Given into his anger and hurt like he never had before. He should have finally left his father as his father had left him, said, _This was a bad idea, I'm going home_ , but he didn't. He sat still as the table fell into silence again, Even's hand steady on his knee, rubbing up and down in a predictable circle that calmed him a little.

“It's been two years, Pappa,” he said quietly, looking down at the table top, where his hands were clenched into tight fists. “You can't make up for time like that. I was seventeen the last time I saw you, a lot has changed.” His voice was calm, now. It was slow. “You didn't care what happened to me after you sent Mamma away. I was sixteen, where was I supposed to go? You didn't care. You didn't ask me to stay with you and you didn't ask me where I was.”

“I figured you didn't want to see me, Isak,” Terje said. “I thought you'd stay with Jonas until you got over your anger, and then we could talk again.”

“I lived in Mamma's empty apartment until rent wasn't paid anymore, then I stayed with Jonas,” Isak said. “And then I lived with strangers in a shared apartment until I left for college. You didn't know that. The last time you saw me I was living with them but you didn't even ask.”

He stared at his father, but his father only stared back instead of answering.

“And now you won't even do one thing for me,” Isak continued. “I've never asked for anything except that you move Mamma to a new hospital. I've done all the research on it, I'll pay for the difference in costs. I'll talk to her about it and help her move. Pappa, I pay my own phone bill, and my own rent, and I work two jobs and visit Mamma twice a month. And I'm not asking for help with any of that. I just want you to move her, she's dying there.”

His nails were biting into the skin of Even's hand but Even didn't pull away. He stroked the back of Isak's hand and looked at the table instead of between Isak and his father, but he was there.

“I can't do this anymore, Pappa,” Isak said. “I can't keep giving everything I have. I don't get anything from you, that's not a healthy relationship. If you can do this one thing for me, maybe we can talk about having dinner and being a family. But until then, I can't do this. I'm going home.”

Terje didn't stop him as he left with Even by his side.

As soon as they were outside Even wrapped his arms around him. “I'm so proud of you.”

Isak was shaking, clutching onto the back of Even's jacket. “Can we go home?”

“Sure, of course.” Even rubbed his back. “It's not too far. Want to walk? We can stop at the kebab place on the way.”

Isak smiled up at him. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being here.”

  
**Saturday**

“I feel like we haven't been to one of these in forever,” Even said, standing in a living room as a party raged around them. “I didn't really miss it.”

“Me neither,” Isak said. “We'll only stay for a little while.” He leaned up to kiss Even. “You okay?”

“I'm good.”

Isak smiled. “Good.”

“Bros!” Martin cried, stumbling over with a drink in his hand. “What's up!”

“Hey, man,” Even said, as Isak reached out an arm to steady him. “How are you?”

“Drunk, dude! How are my favorite gay guys!”

Isak laughed. “We're great. Are you having fun at the party?”

Instead of answering, Martin pressed a sticky kiss to Even's cheek and pranced away.

“Want to dance?” Even asked.

Isak wrinkled his nose. “Do _you_ want to?”

Smiling, Even said, “Yes,” and Isak said, “Fine, let's go,” with a roll of his eyes, dragging Even into the crowd where everyone was dancing.

Even pulled him close by his waist and Isak wrapped his arms around Even's neck. He kissed him deep, standing on his toes and threading his hands in Even's hair. “You're so hot.”

“You think so?” Even asked, pushing his hands beneath Isak's shirt to rest on the skin of the small of his back.

“I do,” Isak said, brushing his fingers to push the hair off of Even's forehead, arching his back to get a good look at his face. “I think you're so hot.”

“Wow,” Even said, running his hands over Isak's back. “If you think I'm hot, it must be true. Because you're a fucking masterpiece.”

Isak laughed and kissed him. “You dork,” he mumbled against his lips, pulling closer and tightening his arms around Even's neck. Even's hands dropped from the small of his back to the swell of his ass and Isak pulled back far enough to say, “This isn't dancing.”

“What is it, then?”

“Groping me to music.”

“My favorite dance,” Even said, in his ear, biting the shell of it so that Isak laughed.

“Someone's feeling better,” Isak said grinding his hips into Even's.

“Are very public displays of affection a turn on for you?” Even asked. “Because that can be useful information.”

“Feels like they are to you.”

“Being close to you in any setting turns me on,” Even said.

“Even if it was... a funeral?” Isak asked, twisting his fingers through the strands of hair at the back of Even's head.

Even started swaying them to the music, much too slow for what the song allowed. “You look good in black.”

“Hm. What about when I'm sick and gross?” Isak asked against Even's cheek.

“You'll look sexy then, too,” Even answered, turning them in slow circles and rubbing Isak's back. They were on the outskirts of the dancing crowd, the bass too strong and the music too loud, but it felt like it was only them in all the romance movie ways.

“I love you,” Isak said in his ear. “And I'm so glad I'm yours.”

Even hugged him around the waist even tighter. “I love you, too, baby. You're mine and I'm yours. The way it should be.”

  
**Sunday**

“You okay with this?” Even asked as they entered the hospital waiting room hand-in-hand. “I know you and religion have a complicated relationship.”

“I'm fine, it's for my mom, I don't necessarily need to listen to what they have to say, right?” he asked. “As long as they're not hitting hard at homosexuality, I should be okay.” He gave their names to the nurse at the front and turned back to Even. “Will you be okay? I know religion's been hard on you in the past.”

“I'll be fine,” Even said with a smile, kissing Isak's temple. “I'm in a much better place right now.”

Isak smiled at him and leaned his head on Even's shoulder. “Me too.”

“You can go see her, now,” the nurse said, interrupting them, and they said their thanks and walked together to his mother's room.

She was standing in front of the mirror smoothing the front of a dress that hung too loose on her, looking nervous and excited.

“Mamma, we're here,” Isak said, and she turned around and smiled brightly, shakily, and Isak said, “You look pretty,” so that her smile would broaden and lose its nervousness and reach her eyes.

“Thank you,” she said. “You two look great. Just great.” She went over to hug them, one at a time, and then stood in front of them with her head tilted up to see them.

“Are you ready to go?” Isak asked as she broke away to fidget with things around the room.

“Yes! Yes, I told the others all about you, and I can't wait for them to see how handsome my boy is.” She stopped moving frantically around the room and said to Even, “And his handsome boyfriend, too.”

Even smiled and Isak took his hand. His mother had been amazing when he'd told her he was gay, but he never would've thought she'd accept a boyfriend of his so quickly and easily. Been proud of him, and Even, and the two of them together. She smoothed her hands over their nice buttoned shirts to get out the wrinkles from the train, and then they were walking together out of the room and through the gardens. Isak had Even on one side, their fingers interlocked, and his mother on the other side, her arm linked through his. This felt more like a family than he'd had in years. Eskild, Noora, and Linn had been so important and so loving, and Jonas had been like his brother since he was a child, but he finally had his mother and someone who loved him like he didn't know he'd craved. It was better than he ever could have thought, when he was sixteen and broken and alone.

The chapel was a little white building sitting on the other side of the gardens, and there were already men and women milling about before the service. Isak wasn't sure what specific religion this was supposed to be, or what specific religion his mother was, but it was all that was available to her and the other patients.

His mother believed that God was love, and even if Isak didn't believe in God, he believed in love, now. He believed in peace, and in family, and he had it. Life wasn't perfect, nothing was fixed forever, but he had become so much happier, so much more comfortable. Four months ago he'd been bruised by strong hands that abused him. Three months ago he'd had to privatize and then delete his Instagram because of vulgar comments under his photos. Two months ago he was getting groped and followed and battered drunk at parties.

And he was still healing. But the process was so much faster than he ever thought it'd be.

“Anne!” his mother said, stopping in front of another small woman. She was talking quickly when she said, “This is my son, Isak, and his boyfriend, Even. Isak's majoring in biology and... and chemistry, and Even's taking art.”

“How wonderful,” the small woman said, smiling and taking Isak's hand in a limp shake before moving to Even. “How long have you been together?”

“About three months,” Even said, even though about three months ago was when they had met. Isak gave him a look, a small smile, before turning back to the woman and saying, “Three and a half.” They could have a talk about the date of their anniversary at a later time. But it was clear that the moment Isak met Even, something had changed.

His mother proceeded to introduce the two of them to almost everyone they encountered, and she sounded so proud that Isak wanted to cry.

They sat down in a pew near the front, Isak between Even and his mom, and if he could get her to look this happy all the time, he'd do anything for it.

  
**Monday**

They were forty-five minutes into a studying session when Isak felt Even crawling to blanket his back.

“Well hello,” Isak said without looking up from the notebook he was reading through, laying on his stomach on his bed. Even mumbled something in his ear, one arm slipping under Isak's midsection, the other pushing Isak's notebook away from him. “I was... reading that,” Isak said, fingers chasing after it as Even held it out of reach. Isak turned over beneath his hold and looked up at him. “This was your idea. You wanted to study.”

“That was a lie. I just wanted to get you in bed when none of your roommates were home.”

“Then why'd you let me study for this long?” Isak asked, reaching up to trace Even's collar with his fingers. “Do I look super sexy in Jonas's t-shirt? Is that it?” Even smiled and Isak raised his eyebrows. One of Even's hands was supporting him over Isak and the other was running up and down Isak's side. “Do these torn sweatpants get you all hot and bothered? You like the homeless look?”

“Are you gonna keep talking?” Even asked.

“You haven't shut me up, yet,” Isak answered with a challenge, and Even smiled and kissed him.

“You're a sap now that you have a boyfriend,” Even said.

“Mm. Boyfriend. I like my boyfriend,” Isak replied, putting his arms around Even's neck and smiling against his lips when Even kissed him again and again and again.

“You're a pile of mush,” Even said, and it'd be just a little too sappy to say, _Anything to make you smile_ , like he wanted to.

“Are you gonna do anything or just chill out up there?” Isak asked instead, running his fingers through Even's hair, messing it up and making it stand on end in stupid ways and then smiling at his handiwork.

“I thought you were studying,” Even said.

“I am studying,” Isak replied. He placed a hand on Even's chest and pushed him off of him, sitting up when he sat back against the headboard. “What have you been dong for all this time?”

“Trying to study,” Even said. He picked up Isak's textbook and flipped through some pages before Isak snatched it out of his hands and found the page he'd been on. “You're distracting.”

“I haven't done anything to make you distracted, you idiot, you're the one who keeps taking my stuff away from me. I'm trying to learn, you know.” Isak raised his eyebrows, pointing at a diagram of the human respiratory system. “I have an actual major. One that involves studying for more than forty-five minutes to pass a final.” He tapped the lungs again and Even laughed at him.

“Baby,” he tried, cocking his head and pushing his lips out, but Isak said, “Shut up, I have a final on this next Monday.”

“That's next week. This is today,” Even said.

“That's right,” Isak replied. “And to be ready for next week I need to study today. Just... give me half an hour, okay, I'll study later some more but right now I have to finish reviewing this.”

“What if your roommates come home before you're done?” Even asked with a whine in his voice.

“Then I guess they'll just have to hear us.” Isak smiled when Even smiled, and he leaned over to kiss him. Even threaded his fingers through Isak's hair, and Isak pushed him away before it could go too far, pressing his index finger against Even's chest. “Behave. I'll be done in twenty minutes.” He gestured vaguely to his dresser. “Go read a book, or something, Jonas has ones you'll like. Just... sit on the floor. Where I can't see you.”

“Whatever you say, baby.”

  
**Tuesday**

“What are you doing back there?” Even asked, sitting on the floor with his head leaning back against the couch cushion that Isak was sitting on.

“Braiding,” Isak said, pulling strands of Even's hair through his fingers.

“Does it look good?”

“It looks amazing.”

“I love you,” Even said, leaning his head back.

Isak bent down to give him a kiss, then straightened Even's head back up and started braiding his hair again.

“How's preparing for finals going for everyone?” Martin asked from the armchair.

“Shitty,” Magnus said. “Too many fucking classes.”

“I only have one final,” Even said.

“The perks of an art major,” Anders said.

“I have four,” Isak said.

“Which ones?” Jonas asked.

“Biology, chemistry, anatomy, and statistics.”

There was a cacophony of groans on his behalf, and a couple variations of, “Why the fuck would you do that to yourself?”

“He's studying all the time,” Even said. “It's really putting a damper on our sex life.”

Isak scoffed and shoved the back of his head. “Shut up, that's not true.”

“It is true!”

“This is a discussion for another time, but don't complain or you're gonna be even more disappointed.”

There were a lot of whoops about that, and Isak smiled and leaned down to give him some more kisses. “I love you,” he said. “As soon as this is over I'll make it up to you.”

“We still have sex more than anyone else in this university,” Even answered with a smile. “I love you. Whether you're putting out or not.”

“Romantic.”

“What about you, Even?” Anders said, to pull the attention of Isak and Even away from each other. “Done with your semester project in that painting class?”

“Yeah,” Even said, Isak's arms folding over his chest from behind and above him. “I like it.”

“Can we see it?” Isak asked, kissing his cheek.

Even looked around at his friends and gave a smile as he looked back up at Isak. “You can.” He stood up and took Isak's hand and pulled him off the couch and down the hall.

“What is it?” Isak asked, following him into his bedroom. “Even? I don't like it when you're all sneaky and secretive.”

“It's called a surprise.”

“I don't like those, either.”

“Well hopefully you'll like this one,” Even said. “It's twenty percent of my grade.”

“Oh, that makes me feel all tingly inside.” He smiled as Even closed the bedroom door behind him and kissed his forehead. He led Isak to the bed and sat him down, and Isak crossed his legs under him and watched Even move around the room. “Close your eyes.”

“Even....”

“Please?”

Isak sighed, but smiled and complied, sitting patiently with his eyes closed and his hands in his lap.

He heard motion around the room and then, “Okay. Open your eyes, sweetheart,” in a voice that actually sounded kind of nervous.

Isak did, and Even had placed three canvases on the mattress in front of him. His breath stopped for a second as he looked over acrylic paintings of himself.

One from the front, one in profile, one from the back.

“Even,” he breathed, looking up at him.

“Do you like them?” Even asked. He looked nervous and small, twisting his hands together in front of him.

“They're incredible,” Isak said as his eyes fell back down. “How... how'd you do this?”

“I've been working on them for a few months.”

“When did you start?”

Even smiled. “I think it was when you tried to kiss me for the first time. When I was late to that party, and you were really drunk and flirting with some girl when I found you. But you've always been so beautiful, baby, and I waited until I knew we would be together before I started painting them.”

“This is how you see me?” Isak asked, skirting his fingers over the edge of one of the canvases and looking up at Even again with big eyes.

“It is,” Even said, and caught Isak when he launched himself off the bed and into his arms. “You're amazing, baby,” he said into Isak's hair. “You're gorgeous and you're smart and you're everything I've ever wanted. And I love you so much.”

Isak held tight onto his neck and felt like crying. “You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love you, and I love the paintings, and I love that you love me.”

“Loving you is the best thing I've ever done.”

  
**Wednesday**

**Even bring us some tacos**

Anders: _Dude bring us some tacos_

 

Even: _Wtf no_

_I'm studying_

_Where are you_

 

Anders: _At home_

 

Martin: _We're hungry_

 

Magnus: _And high_

 

Isak: _This is going to be the most chaotic group chat in the world_

 

Jonas: _Brooos! We're all here!_

 

Mahdi: _Who's smoking without me?_

 

Magnus: _Martin and Anders and me_

 

Anders: _We're hungry Even_

 

Even: _I'm busy! Order in._

 

Martin: _Busy doing what?_

 

Magnus: _Isak_

 

Jonas: _Isak_

 

Anders: _Isak!!_

 

Mahdi: _Isak_

 

Isak: _I fucking knew it_

_The minute Martin said that_

_I knew it._

 

Even: _They're not wrong_

 

Isak: _They are wrong!_

 

Even: _I was doing you_

 

Isak: _Like an hour ago_

_But you're not currently_

_You're at the library_

 

Even: _Still applies_

_Right guys?_

 

Martin: _Still applies_

 

Jonas: _Still applies_

 

Mahdi: _Still applies_

 

Anders: _Still applies_

 

Magnus: _Still applies_

 

Isak: _Who made this group chat_

 

Anders: _Me_

 

Isak: _Okay why?_

 

Anders: _To see if someone will get us food_

 

Isak: _I'm muting you_

 

**Even <3 <3 <3**

Even: _Where'd you go?_

 

Isak: _I don't like you_

 

Even: _That's not what you said an hour ago_

 

Isak: _Yeah?_

_Did I say I like you while I was riding you?_

_Cause I don't remember that_

 

Even: _That's the sexiest thing you can say to me when you're on my dick_

 

Isak: _Oh ok i'll have to say it more_

 

Even: _Forget all the things you usually say_

_All I want now is I like you_

 

Isak: _No more “you make me feel so full”?_

_Or I love your big dick?_

 

Even: _You're playing a dangerous game Isak_

 

Isak: _What about “harder baby faster”_

_Hold me down_

_Fuck me baby_

 

Even: _Isak_

 

Isak: _Are you hard in the library?_

 

Even: _Of course I am_

 

Isak: _Good then sit there and think about what you've done_

 

Even: _You're evil_

 

Isak: _< 3_

 

Even: _You're really gonna make me sit here with a hard on_

_When I can come over and fuck you like you want to be fucked_

 

Isak: _Nice try_

_I'm studying_

_I'm not as easy to break as you are_

 

Even: _Baby_

 

Isak: _Study another hour and then you can get your reward ;)_

 

Even: _Evillll_

 

**Squad**

Magnus: _So do you and Even fuck every day_

 

Isak: _Do you have to ask me this in the group chat?_

 

Jonas: _I would actually like an answer to that_

 

Mahdi: _Likewise_

 

Magnus: _So what's your answer, loverboy?_

 

Isak: _Not every day_

 

Magnus: _How often then?_

 

Isak: _Like a few times a week_

_Nothing crazy._

 

Jonas: _How many times a week?_

 

Isak: _A few_

 

Mahdi: _But how many_

 

Magnus: _Like how many this week?_

 

Isak: _Starting when?_

 

Jonas: _Sunday_

 

Isak: _Like ten maybe_

 

Magnus: _Ten?????_

 

Mahdi: _Holy fuckkk_

 

Jonas: _Get it boy_

 

Magnus: _You said you didn't fuck every day!_

 

Isak: _We don't_

 

Mahdi: _It's been 4 days and you've fucked 10 times?_

 

Isak: _ABOUT 10 times_

_Counting blowjobs_

_It's not that much_

 

Magnus: _That's multiple times a day_

 

Isak: _Ok so this week it was every day_

_But it isn't always_

 

Jonas: _I'm so jealous_

 

Isak: _You should be_

_He's great at what he does_

 

**Even <3 <3 <3**

Even: _Bragging about me?_

 

Isak: _Sound pretty smug for someone who was hard at the library_

 

Even: _Touche_

  
**Thursday**

“Do you think they'll like me?” Isak asked, fixing his shirt in the mirror of Even's childhood bedroom.

“They'll love you,” Even said. “Who wouldn't?”

So many people he'd met hadn't loved him, but none of them seemed to matter now that Even did.

Even came up behind him, wrapped his arms around Isak's waist, and rested his chin on Isak's shoulder. “Don't be nervous, okay? My parents already love you, my sisters will love you, too. And don't worry, the husbands and kids aren't coming. I realize that that'd be kind of overwhelming. And my family already is pretty overwhelming.”

“I like your parents,” Isak told Even in the mirror, smiling at him.

“They're a bit eccentric,” Even said, and Isak said, “Not as eccentric as my family,” with a smile. He turned around in Even's arms and framed his face in both hands before kissing him. “I love you,” Isak said.

“I love you, too.”

“I can do this.”

Even smiled. “Yes you can, baby.”

“What are their names, again?” Isak asked. “I want to get this right.”

“Cecilie is the oldest. And Camilla's in the middle.”

“Okay,” Isak said, looking up as he committed this to memory. “Okay. Cecilie and Camilla. I can remember that.”

Even chuckled as he kissed Isak's forehead. “You're so cute.”

“And your parents? I know you told me your mom kept your dad's last name when she remarried, but I don't know what--”

“Just call them Erik and Ellen, okay? Calm down, my love.” He kissed Isak's lips. “You're amazing, and much more charming than you think, and I love you, so they'll love you. I promise.”

“You can't promise that,” Isak said with a pout to his lips.

“I can. I fell in love with you so fast baby.”

“Your sisters aren't trying to get in my pants. That'll slow down the process.”

“You don't know that my sisters don't want to get in your pants. You're a lot hotter than their husbands.”

“I think you're a little bit biased.”

“I don't. Look.” He held Isak's face in his hands and forced eye contact. “They're in their thirties, they're dealing with crying babies all the damn time, and as long as you're better than their children, you'll be great.”

“I can be better than crying babies,” Isak said after a bit of thought.

“Had to think about that, did you?” Even asked with a smile.

“I don't know, I cry sometimes, too, so it's kind of a tough comparison.”

Even laughed and hugged him. “Oh, I like you.”

“Boys!” came his mother's voice from the hallway.

“Coming!” Even called, then turned back to Isak and said, “We had time for a quickie and we squandered it.”

“We squandered it? What a big word, Mister Art Student.” He stood up to kiss him once more, then moved to the bedroom door with Even's hand in his. “I've got a few minutes of courage for this moment right here so we've gotta go.”

There were two tall, beautiful women in the living room, one with a beer bottle and one with a glass of white wine, looking at the photographs over the mantle.

“Even!” one of them called, setting her wine glass down on the side table and rushing over to him. “So good to see you, baby brother. Looking handsome as ever.”

“How's school going, baby boy?” the other woman asked, joining the hug as Isak stood awkwardly off to the side.

“It's good. Finals start next week.” He pulled back. “This is Isak. My boyfriend. And Isak, this is Camilla and Cecilie, my big sisters.”

“Hi, handsome,” the wine glass sister, Camilla, said, enveloping Isak in a hug. “We've heard about you. How are you?”

He hugged her back hesitantly. He hadn't been hugged by a member of his own family in years, except his mother whose grasp was weak and polite. “I'm good, how are you?”

“I'm great. The baby's at home and I'm gonna get so drunk Cecilie has to drive me home.”

Isak didn't really know how to answer that, and he didn't have to because she turned abruptly away and grabbed for her wine glass again as the older sister approached him.

“Hi, Isak, it's so nice to meet you.”

“It's nice to meet you, too,” he said with a smile.

“How's Even been?”

“Good,” Isak said, smiling over at where Even was looking at pictures of Camilla's baby on her phone. “Really great.”

“That's good,” Cecilie said. “I'm so glad.”

“Dinner's ready,” Erik called from the kitchen, and the four of them migrated from the living room to the kitchen, Even gravitating to Isak's side and looking down at him with a small smile. An, “okay?” kind of smile. So Isak smiled back.

His sisters were great. Camilla was drunken and funny and constantly raving about her baby girl. Cecilie talked politics and laughed a lot. They asked Isak questions and when those questions got too close to his family, Even redirected and everyone let him. No one pushed anything, so Isak felt comfortable to give up parts of himself that he normally wouldn't.

“Where are you from, Isak?” Ellen asked.

“Here. Oslo. I lived in the same apartment for most of my life,” he answered.

“And do your parents still live there?” Erik asked.

“Dad,” Even said, but Isak said, “No, it's okay,” because he didn't mean it maliciously as his own father had while asking Even questions a week ago.

“My mom's in a hospital, actually,” Isak said. “In the country. A treatment center, I guess, a kind of... assisted living place?” He nodded to himself. “So we lost her apartment, and I lived with some other people after that, and now I'm in a shared apartment for school.”

“Do you live close to Even?” Ellen asked.

Isak laughed. “No. No, his apartment is... much nicer than mine. I mean, it's a ten minute walk, but different neighborhoods.”

And like that the topic of his parents was dropped, and the conversation moved forward, and Isak felt comfortable and confident and with Even's hand on his knee he felt like belonged.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so the paintings were for @georgiegirl70 on tumblr (thanks for the ask, babe) and isak meeting even's sisters was for a tumblr anon (i'm sorry if you wanted a move in, love, i just wanted a more realistic timeline). if anyone wants anything in the last chapter (!!!) send me a comment here or an ask at supermansplaining on tumblr <3  
> ily all so much for reading this and liking it and giving me the confidence to continue :) your feedback means the world.


	15. Week 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ode to finals week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for sticking with me through all of this. this was my first time writing something like this, and i put a lot of myself into this isak, and i'm really glad people reacted so well to it. yall have been so kind and supportive.   
> i will hopefully write more. and i promise that the next one will hopefully give some original content with less frequently used tropes and events. i know a lot of you tell me that this was new, and i thank you for that so much, but to me it wasn't as good as it could've been.  
> thanks to 3stb for informing me of some of the religious aspects of norway that i don't know bc i'm from the states. i'm so sorry this fic is so american, it just makes it easier on me to write it that way and i hope that's okay with you guys <3

**Friday**

“I love your skin,” Even murmured into his hair as Isak laid completely over his chest. “It's so smooth.” He trailed his fingers over Isak's naked back, drawing patterns and shapes and pictures. “It's amazing. So gorgeous.”

“I love you,” Isak said into Even's neck, sleepy and happy as the sun rose and he skipped his morning class.

“I love you, too.”

Isak's phone buzzed constantly for the third time, and Isak finally rolled off Even to answer it with a tired, “Hello?” without looking at the screen. Even wrapped himself around Isak from behind and kissed his neck. “Mm. Baby, stop,” Isak mumbled with a smile.

“Isak?” said a voice on the phone.

“Pappa?” he asked, waking up a little. If he had known it was his father he wouldn't have answered. Even's grip tightened around his waist and his mouth stopped moving along his neck.

“Hi, Isak, I'd like to talk to you if you have time.”

If his father knew anything about his life now, he'd know that Isak should be in class right now and therefore not supposed to answer the phone.

“I have a little time,” Isak said, twining his fingers with Even's.

“It sounds like you're busy, I can call back later.”

“I'm not busy, Even's just here.” Maybe at one point in his life he would have been scared to imply that he and his boyfriend spent the night together. Now he cared so little about his father's opinion that he wanted him to know. Wanted him to know that, yes, he spent all night with his beautiful boyfriend, they fucked for hours, and he woke up in his arms. He wanted him to know that he wasn't who his father had thought he was. He was better than his father. He loved more than his father ever could, and he loved Even when his father stopped loving his mother.

“Okay,” Terje said. “Okay, I'll make this quick. I just want to say that I heard you, last week at dinner. I was listening. And I've decided to move Mamma.”

Isak smiled as his breath left his body and tears came to his eyes. “Really?” His hand squeezed Even's and he laughed. “Really, Pappa?”

“Yes. If you send me the information, I'll have her out within the month. And I'll pay for the whole thing, so don't worry about the money.”

“Thank you!” he said. He turned in Even's hold and Even smiled at him, rubbing his back. “Thank you so much.”

“I want to be able to do this for you. And I'm sorry for everything else, and I know it will take more time for us to heal than this. But I hope someday we can get through it.”

Isak's voice was quiet, but sincere. “Me too. I gotta go, Pappa. But I'll send everything to you, and then I'll go see Mamma, and I'll tell her. Thank you. Thank you.”

When he hung up Even was watching him expectantly, both of them sitting up in the sheets, and Isak smiled at him through tears and put his arms around Even's neck.

“Oh my God,” Isak said into his neck.

“I'm so proud of you, sweetheart. You love so much, so... completely.”

He had never thought that that'd be something said about him. That when he loved, he loved completely. That he could love at all.

They laid back down, and Isak trailed his fingers over Even's face, landing on his lips. “You think I can be normal?” he asked. “After everything that's happened to me?”

“I think so,” Even said.

“I won't be fucked up forever?”

“No, baby,” Even answered with a smile. “I don't think you're fucked up now, but time heals, haven't you heard that before?”

Isak smiled. “Yeah,” he said, thumb moving over Even's bottom lip. “Time heals.”

And being loved had helped start the process, but Isak thought that he could do it on his own, now.

“What do you want to do today?” Even asked, rubbing his bare back, smoothing his palm down to his ass and back up.

“This feels pretty good,” Isak said, closing his eyes. “Staying in bed all day with your hands on me. I like your hands.”

“Want me to rub your shoulders?” Even asked, and Isak smiled and rolled onto his stomach. Even sat up to get leverage and ran his hands lightly over his back before kneading into his muscles.

“Feels good,” Isak said, eyes closed. “We should do this instead of sex from now on.”

“I think you'll regret that later.”

“Mm. You're right. Dumb idea.” He smiled as Even rubbed his neck and shoulders. “You should be a masseuse. Forget art school. This is your calling.”

“I don't want to touch anyone else like this.”

“Then I guess you wouldn't be very good at your job, would you?” Isak asked.

“You make me happy,” Even said, smile in his voice even though Isak couldn't see it. “So happy, baby.”

“You make me happy, too,” Isak said.

Being with Even had helped him so much. He had felt loved and cared for, he had felt protected, he had learned that he deserved better than the hand he was dealt. But he felt that even if Even left, even if he was on his own again, he could handle now what he couldn't before.

Even had opened his doors. Prepared him for a life he would want to live. If Even stepped out of that life, it'd be okay. Because Isak had learned, and changed, and he was ready for a future that he had never thought about before. Of course it'd be ideal if Even was in that future, because they were young, and it always felt like forever was the only way. But no matter what happened, Even would always be the one who made him thank instead of curse the world, who churned good fortune out of every event. And that was the most important thing. No matter what happened, he thanked God that they'd met.

  
**Saturday**

“Ev?”

“What's up, baby?”

Isak was sitting on the counter as Even made a salad next to him, water boiling in a pot for pasta, kicking his heels softly against the cabinets behind him.

“You like Doctor Ingrid?” he asked, looking up from his feet as Even brushed past him to get to the refrigerator.

“Yeah, she's great,” Even said. He kissed Isak's cheek as he made his way back to the stove with a tomato in hand.

“And... and how's therapy? Is it like the way it is in movies?”

“What, with the couch and the tissues?” Even asked, looking over at Isak with his hoodie sleeves pushed to his elbows. He was so cute like that. When Isak nodded, Even smiled and went back to cooking. “No. I just kind of sit with her and we talk about stuff. Sometimes we'll go a whole session without talking about anything to do with the bipolar, you know? It's not heavy. And it's free, so if you can't find the right therapist right away, you're not wasting money.”

“There are wrong therapists?” Isak asked.

Even blew on the sauce on his wooden spoon and held it out for Isak to taste. And of course it was delicious. “Yeah, I went through two different guys before Ingrid. There was nothing really wrong with them, but one I wasn't comfortable discussing the reasons for the suicide attempt, and one I just didn't really click with. It wasn't a big deal, it was an hour or two of being uncomfortable and then I knew it wasn't the right fit and moved on. Was the sauce good?”

Isak nodded, watching him taste it himself and reach for some spices.

“Even?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you stop that for a second?”

Even glanced at him with furrowed brows, then turned off the heat for the saucepan and stepped between his legs. “I'm sorry. Are you okay?”

Isak smoothed his hands up Even's arms and rested them on his shoulders. “Do you think I need help?” he asked quietly.

Even smiled at him, which wasn't what Isak had expected, resting his palms on Isak's thighs.

“Why are you smiling?” Isak asked, wrapping his hands around the nape of Even's neck.

“I like that you're coming to me for advice,” Even said. “And you're not damaged, or broken, or anything, baby. But if you want to get help, I think that's a good idea.” He wrapped his arms around Isak's waist. “You've been through so much. And you may think that talking about it won't help, but it does. If you find the right doctor, it really does, baby.”

“But... there are people who have it worse, and I feel like I would be... wasting a therapist's time, making them deal with mine.”

“Sweetheart,” Even said, resting their foreheads together. “Everyone's problems are valid. And... and rape isn't mild. It takes its toll, you know that. And being there for your mom when you were so young, and then losing her. And... and your dad was really rough, your childhood and your whole life was really rough with him. And if you don't talk about it, I'm afraid it might get worse over time.”

“Yeah?” Isak asked, looking down at Even's hands moving over his thighs. He put his own hands on top and let Even's carry them.

“Yeah. A therapist might be able to help you with some of the physical parts of the... trauma.”

“Like what?”

“Like... jumping at loud noises.” The pressure of their piled hands on Isak's legs was comforting, and he wasn't reacting to this the way he thought he might. He nodded for Even to continue. “And flinching away when you're in a bad headspace?”

“They can help with that?” Isak asked.

“Yeah. And they can help with other things, too. All the self-doubt, and blaming yourself. I went through so much after everything happened when I was younger. I know how hard it is to admit needing help.”

“I'm so glad you're doing so well, baby,” Isak said, brushing hair out of Even's face. “I'm so glad you're happy now and living life. But... but what if I go and they can't help me? What if I can't be fixed.”

Even pulled him into a hug on the countertop. “You don't need to be fixed, love. You just need a little help. Everybody needs a little help sometimes.”

“And you know they'll be able to help me?”

“I don't know anything, Isak, I can't promise you anything. But I know how much it helped me. And I think that giving it a chance won't hurt at all.”

Isak pulled back to nudge their noses together. “You're so perfect.”

“I can see if Ingrid has room for another patient,” Even said. “You can go to one session and see how it is, and if you don't like her, we can try someone else, and if you don't like therapy, we can give it some more time.”

Isak kissed him. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. And don't worry, baby. You can find what works for you. I know for a fact that you'll be okay.”

  
**Sunday**

“Hey, I'm gonna take one of your shirts, is that okay?” Isak called into the bathroom from down the hall. “I forgot to bring one. And I haven't done laundry in two weeks.”

“Yeah, baby, take whatever you want,” Even called back.

“Can I pick out one for you, too?”

“Is it that black one?”

Isak smiled to himself as he looked at the shirt. “Yeah.”

“Okay, I'll wear it,” Even said, coming into the room with a towel wrapped around his waist, hair damp. He kissed Isak's cheek as he passed.

“Thanks. It makes you look sexy.” He turned to watch Even drop his towel and sat on the bed as Even got dressed, eyes never leaving his body.

“Staring at me?” Even asked, sliding boxer briefs up his legs.

“Mmhm,” Isak said with a smile. “Why don't we just skip date night and fuck instead?”

“We're gonna fuck all night when we get home, baby, don't worry. This dinner is your reward for studying so hard. Okay? A way to get you to relax before your final tomorrow.”

“Don't remind me of that.” Isak finished buttoning a gray shirt he'd pulled from Even's neat closet, folding the sleeves to his elbows before walking over to Even to help him button his own shirt, smiling up at him. “I love this on you.”

Even looked down his arms. “I think it makes me look like a waiter.”

“A waiter in a fancy restaurant.” He smoothed his hands down Even's chest and bit his lip as he looked back up. “You look so good, baby. The hottest waiter in the world.”

Even smiled and pulled him into a hug. “Do I really look like a waiter?”

“No, baby!” Isak laughed. “You look like a hot boyfriend that everyone wants but no one can have.”

“Oh,” Even said, grabbing Isak's ass. “That's better.”

“Although I do like you in your nerdy little coffeehouse apron,” Isak said, pulling back. “Can I wear your jacket?”

“Why are you always wearing my clothes?” Even teased.

“I came in a hoodie, I can't wear that to dinner!”

“You came in _my_ hoodie!”

“Well I like your hoodies. They're too big. They make me happy.” He started putting a jacket on. “I'm taking this. And you're not getting it back.”

“What else is new.” Even stroked through Isak's hair as he gathered Isak against his chest with an arm around his waist. “I'm so glad we get to do this. For a while there, when we first met, I didn't think we'd ever have this.”

“Me too,” Isak said, leaning his cheek against Even's, his arms around Even's shoulders. “I was so messed up when we met. I didn't think I'd ever have anything like this, with you or anyone else.” He pulled his head back to nudge their noses together, looking into Even's eyes. “So thank you.”

“Baby, I didn't do anything,” Even said with a smile, resting his forehead on Isak's. “This was all you. You've healed so much. You've grown and changed and I'm so proud of you. So proud to be with you.”

“Are you trying to make me cry?”

“Is it working?

“Kind of.”

Even laughed at Isak's broken voice and kissed him. “Don't cry. I never want to make you cry.”

“It'd be a good cry,” Isak said with a teary smile. “Good tears for a good boyfriend. You've only seen me... sad cry.”

“I hate seeing you sad cry.”

“I hate sad crying.”

Even was smiling at him as they passed kisses back and forth. “Better?”

Isak nodded. “I'm good. Just don't say nice things to me for a while.”

“Want me to say mean things?” Even asked.

“That would help.”

“Okay.” He hugged Isak and looked up at the ceiling as he thought. “You can't cook. You can't do laundry. You're terrified of vaginas. You're a cat person.”

Isak was smiling against his neck. “What else?”

“Hm.... You talk through movies. You steal my clothes. You dress like a homeless person most of the time.”

“Fuck you.”

“You make us late to dinner.”

“Oh, shit, yeah, let's go.” They exited Even's bedroom and ran into Anders and Martin as they entered the living room.

“Looking hot, boys,” Anders said.

“We're going out to dinner,” Even said, slipping into his shoes.

“Ooh, will you bring us something back?” Martin asked, perking up in the armchair.

“No,” Even said.

“Can we have your leftovers?” Anders asked.

“No, what the fuck?” He pulled on his jacket and took Isak's hand.

“Can you bring us some ice cream on the way home?” Martin asked.

“Dude,” Even said, opening the door and letting Isak walk out in front of him.

“When will you be home?” Anders asked.

“Tomorrow. We're staying at Isak's tonight.”

“What are we supposed to eat for breakfast tomorrow?” Martin asked in shock.

“It's not my fucking job to feed you two. I'll see you tomorrow.”

When he was outside with Isak, he wrapped an arm around his shoulders and they moved outside. “Want to walk it?” Even asked.

“I could go for a walk,” Isak agreed with a smile. It was so easy to agree with Even. He hoped he'd be able to do it forever.

  
**Monday**

“Good morning, beautiful,” Even murmured into his ear, and Isak pushed him away to pull the covers up to his neck. “I can't believe you just pushed me, the man of your dreams, away from you.”

“You're not the man of my dreams,” Isak mumbled, rolling away from him to face the wall. “The man of my dreams would let me sleep.”

“You've got a final at noon, my love,” Even said. “Last night you told me specifically, 'Even, my darling, don't let me sleep any later than eight, I need to study before the final.'”

“I didn't say any of that,” Isak muttered, eyes still closed. “I especially never called you 'my darling'.”

“Okay, I made up that part, but the rest of it was pretty damn verbatim.”

“There are a lot nicer ways to wake up, you know,” Isak said, rolling back over and opening tired eyes.

“Yeah? Like what?”

Isak hummed as Even ran his fingers through his hair, Isak's eyes falling closed again. “Like when you kiss my neck, or get under the covers and kiss... lower.”

“Yeah? I should've woken you up like that?” Even asked, moving his hand to Isak's waist. “Cause then we never would've gotten you to the library on time.”

“Well fucking relaxes me,” Isak said, fingers tracing Even's collarbone.

“You mean making love?” Even asked, and Isak rolled his eyes. “And either way, it doesn't 'relax' you, it exhausts the fuck out of you and you fall asleep for an hour and then make me cook for you.”

“You should cook for me all the time anyways,” Isak grumbled, and buried himself in Even's neck.

“Sweetheart.” Even rubbed his back with both hands. “Get in the shower and I'll make you breakfast, okay?”

“Mm.”

“Baby.”

Isak huffed and threw the covers off. “Fine! I'm going.” He went to his dresser and pulled out some clothes to change into, tucking them under his arm as he turned back to Even, sitting up in bed. “I want pancakes. Please.” As he was about to leave the room, he turned back and kissed Even. “I love you. Thanks for dealing with me,” he said, and went to the bathroom to shower as quickly as possibly. Without Even in there with him, there wasn't much use to linger.

“Hi, cutie,” Even said when he entered the kitchen with wet hair. “There's a few on a plate for you, I'm just finishing up the batter I already have made.”

Isak stood on his toes and kissed him, slipping the plate into his hand. “You really are the man of my dreams.”

Even stooped down to kiss him again once Isak had fallen back flat on his feet. “And you're mine.”

“I don't do anything for you, though,” Isak said. “You're so good at cooking and planning dates and taking care of me. What do I do for you? What do you get from me?”

“I get you, baby,” Even said. “That's all I need. There's butter on the table. I hope you like them.”

“You're the best cook in the world,” Isak said. “Of course I'll like them. You always make me so happy.”

“You're always so happy for me,” Even said. “I love it when you're all grumpy, because I can make you go so sweet and soft whenever I want.”

“You cannot,” Isak said indignantly. “I'm not all wrapped around your fingers.” He sat at the kitchen table and spread butter over his pancakes.

“Sure, baby.” Even sat down next to him, still dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt with his hair a mess from sleep.

“Don't say, 'sure, baby,' like that.”

“Sorry,” Even said with a smile.

“No you're not.” Isak rolled his eyes at Even's eyebrow raise. “Whatever. These are good.”

“Thank you, love.”

“What time is it?”

Even glanced at the clock on the microwave. “Eight fifteen. Are you... can you not see the clock from there?”

“I don't feel like having this eyesight conversation right before my first final of the semester, but thanks,” Isak said, clearing his plate from the table. “Did you make coffee?”

“Yeah, of course. There's a to-go cup on the counter for you.”

“You're amazing.” Isak leaned over the back of Even's chair to give him a kiss after he left his plate and fork in the sink.

“And I'm even so amazing that I'm gonna drive you to the library.”

Isak shook his head, pouring coffee and stirring in sugar, then moving to Even and straddling him on the kitchen chair. “It's so hot when you take care of me like this,” Isak said. “After I ace this final, I'll be back to jump your bones.”

“Mm, that sounds great.” Even kissed him, and then ran his lips down Isak's jaw and to his neck, before Isak pushed him away.

“Sorry, baby, I really gotta study,” Isak said, kissing him again with a short, chaste little peck. “I'll make it up to you later.”

“No need, I love seeing you all cute and studious,” Even said, hands on Isak's hips as he stood up off his lap. “Are you ready to go? I want you to get all the studying in that you need.”

“I won't ever be able to find someone as good as you, will I?” Isak asked, shouldering his backpack and putting on his shoes. “You're ruining me for everyone else, aren't you?”

“That's the goal.”

Isak mocked his expression and led him out the door as Even grabbed his keys from the kitchen counter and his jacket from the hook by the door.

“You nervous?” Even asked as they walked to the parking lot. Isak slipped his hand into Even's and slid close to his side, cupping their joined hands with his other one.

“No. I'm never nervous.”

“Never?”

“Not when it comes to school, then, smartass.” Isak smiled up at him and kissed his cheek. “But I used to be so nervous around you. I couldn't function. In high school I was so charming with these girls, and with these guys I didn't care about, but with you I couldn't form sentences. You made me blush more in those first two months than I ever had in my entire life before.”

“The boys told me you used to be so good at getting chicks. It was intimidating. And then you were this shy little mess, and it was even more intimidating.”

Isak laughed as they stopped as Even's car. “How?”

“You were just so cute and flustered, and I was so scared of ruining you.”

“Yeah, you really held back.” Isak got in the passenger seat after Even unlocked the doors. “Really subtle. Your intentions were super unclear.”

“Sarcasm? Now?”

Isak smiled and kissed him over the center console. “No, I'm sorry. I'm so lucky you were an obvious idiot. Gave me the courage to be an obvious idiot right back.”

Even raised his eyebrows and then winked at him, setting his hand on Isak's thigh as he started to drive. “You were pretty obvious.”

Isak laughed. “Me? Never.”

When Even pulled up as close to the library as possible, he put the car in park and leaned over the center console to put a hand in Isak's hair. “Hey, before you go in....”

“Yeah?” Isak prompted, looking up at him with a little smile.

“I'm just... I'm really proud of you. You're doing so well.”

Isak kissed him, smiling against his lips. “I love you. Thank you.”

“Call me when you're done,” Even said, rubbing down his back. “I'll come get you.”

“Okay, thank you, baby,” Isak said. “You're the best.”

“Good luck.”

Isak kissed him again and smiled before getting out and closing the door.

He felt so lucky.

  
**Tuesday**

Magnus dropped his backpack on the floor as soon as he entered Even's apartment, and six sets of eyes looked up from their various studying positions.

“How'd it go?” Jonas asked.

Magnus sounded like he wanted to cry when he said, “I'm so tired, you guys.”

“You can sleep in our room,” Martin said.

“I have a final at eight-thirty tomorrow, I can't sleep,” Magnus answered, clawing notebooks from his backpack and collapsing on the floor next to Mahdi. “I had so many days to study. So many. And I didn't start until yesterday, why? Why did I do this?”

Isak himself had been desperately close to tears for much of the day, too, finishing an 8:30 am final only minutes before time was called and then going directly to Even's to study for the one the next day at noon. He was exhausted. He couldn't sleep, and Even was worried about him, and he kept downing cup after cup of coffee until he was fidgety but awake, tired and desperate for sleep.

Even didn't really understand, Isak discovered. He had one final, and then had to show up in his art classes during the other finals times to present his semester projects to the professors. It was stressful, sure, but not quite as stressful as preparing for four exams in four days for classes vital to his graduation.

So when Even kept telling him to calm down and relax it only made him angry. That morning they'd fought for the first time ever when Even found out Isak hadn't been to bed until four and then woke up at seven to go to chemistry. Their yelling woke up Jonas and Mahdi and Isak was so upset that Even was yelling at him—Even had never yelled at him before, not even in the most frustrating of times—that he walked out without finishing the argument, and had to take his final with the fight on his mind.

Even had met him outside his classroom as he exited, apologetic and worried, and Isak didn't want to fight anymore when he dropped into his embrace and let himself be held.

“Isak? Can you help me with this?” Anders asked.

“What is it?” Isak asked from the other side of the room, making flash cards on his textbook with his feet in Even's lap and his back against the side of the couch. Even was alternating between touching up some paintings (not the Isak paintings, Even said those were nothing less than perfect and then gave Isak a blowjob in the bathroom) and rubbing Isak's feet.

“Math,” Anders said.

“What kind of math?”

“Calculus.”

“Okay.”

Anders stood up, let Isak review an equation, and then wrote down every word from Isak's mouth and left to try to solve some problems on his own. There was music playing, soft white noise as they all struggled separately, except for Even who seemed to be just killing time in the most boring way possible.

It was another hour before Martin let out the most agonized sound Isak had ever heard—which was saying a lot for finals week—and begged, “Please can we take a fucking break, I can't do this anymore, I think my eyes are gonna fall out of my motherfucking head.”

Everyone dropped what they were holding immediately, the relieving collective thud of notebooks and pencils and Post-It notes on the floor. Isak moved over to Even and tucked his head under Even's chin, letting Even wrap him up and sway him side to side.

“Doing okay?” Even asked, lips against his hair.

“I should drop out,” Isak answered, grasping Even's t-shirt collar. “I don't want to go through this every semester.”

Even laughed and rubbed his back. “Let me get you something to eat.”

“That sounds amazing,” Isak said with a smile, moving away from Even and sliding into the center of the living room to be around the roommates.

“I want to claw my eyes out,” Jonas said. “If I have to read one more paragraph on international law I'm gonna cry.”

“I've been crying all day,” Mahdi said. “I cried while I was eating cereal this morning. I cried during the test. So did the guy next to me.”

It was nice to know that Isak wasn't alone when he was on the verge of a breakdown. No one was ever alone on finals week.

“Let's play a game,” Anders said.

“Like what?” Jonas asked.

“Like... let's ask Isak and Even personal questions. That usually makes us feel better,” Anders said.

Isak usually wouldn't agree to that game, but he was in need of a distraction so he nodded. Even came back in with a bag of chips and a water bottle for Isak.

There were the usual calls of, “Whipped,” from the boys, and then Even was sitting down next to Isak and uncapping the bottle for him.

“Let's start,” Anders said. “Who's the better boyfriend?”

“Even,” Isak said. “He's whipped. Next.”

“Who's gonna ask who to marry him first?”

“Even,” Isak said. “I'm afraid of commitment. Next.”

“What are we doing?” Even asked.

“Playing that game I don't like,” Isak answered, opening the bag of chips. “You're falling behind. And thank you for the food.” He kissed Even and smiled at him.

“You're welcome,” Even said against his lips.

“Gross, stop. Next question,” Anders said.

“Favorite sex position?” Magnus asked.

“Too personal,” Isak said.

“Okay, the other one's favorite sex position.”

Before Isak could protest that, Even said, “Cowgirl,” and Isak blushed bright red and said, “That is not what we're calling it!” He smiled and buried his face in Even's neck. “But that's true. And it's more exciting that Even's.”

“Which is?” Martin asked.

“Uh...” Isak blushed, because this one wasn't too flattering either. “Hands and knees.” More like knees and shoulders, really, but Isak wanted them picturing that even less. “Next,” he said, blushing.

“Is Even the best sex you've ever had?” Martin asked, and Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus scoffed, because of course he was. He had never fucked anyone who gave a shit about his comfort before.

“Of course,” Isak said, smiling into the kiss he planted on Even's cheek.

“And Even? Is Issy the best you've ever had?” Jonas asked, almost threateningly.

“Oh, God, he's a fucking dream,” Even said, wrapping his arms around Isak and rocking him back into his chest, planting kisses on his cheek. “Takes it like a champ and gives head like it's his job.”

“That makes me sound like a prostitute.”

“Prostitutes are really great at what they do,” Even said. “Not as great as you, but good.”

“Nice save,” Isak said, resting back against his chest. “Next.”

Isak fell asleep against Even around ten questions later, after, “Who can deepthroat?” and during, “Favorite sex act?” When he woke up again he was in Even's bed with Even wrapped around him, perfectly content.

  
**Wednesday**

**Squad**

Jonas: _How'd everybody's finals go?_

 

Isak: _Just one more_

 

Mahdi: _I can't believe I lived through this week_

 

Magnus: _I've been crying all day_

 

Mahdi: _Same bro_

 

Jonas: _Same bro_

 

Magnus: _Plans for tonight?_

 

Mahdi: _Sleeping. I'm done with finals finally._

 

Magnus: _Getting drunk. Who's in?_

 

Mahdi: _If we're drunk and ready for bed by 8 then I'm in_

 

Jonas: _I have one more final to study for sorry guys_

 

Mahdi: _Isak?_

 

Isak: _Studying_

 

Magnus: _And plans with Even?_

 

Isak: _Yeah I'm staying at his tonight so that he can feed me._

 

Mahdi: _You got it good, man._

 

Isak: _I really do_

 

Jonas: _Is he sticking around this summer?_

 

Isak: _Yeah. He's got a 12 month lease like we do_

 

Mahdi: _Awesome for you bro_

 

Magnus: _Happy for you Issy_

 

Isak: _Why are you being weird_

 

Jonas: _We just are really glad you're not hurting anymore_

 

Isak: _Sorry for putting you through so much shit guys_

_I was stupid and hurt_

 

Magnus: _It's not your fault, man_

_We'd stick with you through all that all over again_

 

Isak: _Love you guys_

 

Jonas: _We love you too Issy K_

 

Mahdi: _< 3_

 

Magnus: _< 3 <3 <3_

 

Mahdi: _Bitch one up me again_

 

**Kollektivet**

Eskild: _How are my baby's finals going?_

 

Isak: _Almost done_

 

Eskild: _When are you moving back home for the summer?_

 

Isak: _Sorry guru_

 

Eskild: _What?????_

_You're not coming home???_

 

Isak: _I have a 12 month lease Eskild I'm not gonna pay for 4 months and not live there_

 

Eskild: _Won't you miss us?_

 

Isak: _Every day_

 

Eskild: _I sense sarcasm but I'm gonna let it slide_

_What will you do all summer?_

 

Isak: _I'm taking a class and I'll work at the bookstore._

 

Noora: _And hang out with Even?_

 

Isak: _I hope so he's my boyfriend_

 

Eskild: _And visit home?_

 

Isak: _Promise guru_

 

Linn: _Miss me little buddy?_

 

Isak: _So much Linn <3_

 

Linn: _Me too_

_Don't tell Eskild_

 

Eskild: _It's the group chat_

 

Linn: _Nobody asked Eskild._

 

Isak: _Nobody asked ESKILD!!!_

 

Linn: _You've always got my back amigo_

 

Isak: _;)_

 

**Even <3 <3 <3**

Isak: _Hey_

 

Even: _Hi baby_

 

Isak: _What's for dinner?_

 

Even: _Baked potatoes_

 

Isak: _Fuck I love you_

 

Even: _< 3_

 

Isak: _I'm on the bus_

_I'm a little early_

 

Even: _That's ok_

 

Isak: _And I didn't bring any clothes_

 

Even: _It's not like you don't always wear mine anyways_

 

Isak: _Wow so we're like totally domestic_

 

Even: _We are_

 

Isak: _That's ridiculous_

 

Even: _Did you ever think we'd get here when we first met?_

 

Isak: _I thought you were a creep when we first met_

 

Even: _That changed pretty quick_

 

Isak: _Wtf are you talking about it took like 2 months for me to kiss you_

 

Even: _Please_

_We'd been dating since the second week I knew you_

 

Isak: _Liar!_

_It wasn't until I tried to drunkenly kiss you at 2 separate parties that we were even ALMOST dating_

 

Even: _Wrong_

 

Isak: _Not wrong you gooey romantic_

 

Even: _It was love at first sight_

 

Isak: _Please tell me you don't believe in that shit_

 

Even: _You'll never know will you?_

 

Isak: _I will because I demand that you tell me._

 

Even: _Fine not love at first sight but the potential for love_

_At first sight_

 

Isak: _So you're saying you saw me and thought that you had the potential to love me?_

 

Even: _Yes_

 

Isak: _That's not romantic Even_

 

Even: _Of course it is_

 

Isak: _Jesus that's probably the most practical thing about you_

 

Even: _I know that practicality turns you on u big sexy nerd_

 

Isak: _How is it possible to be this much of a fucking DORK_

 

Even: _A dork you love_

 

Isak: _A dork I love_

 

Even: _Almost here?_

 

Isak: _2 more stops_

 

Even: _Any interesting people on the bus?_

 

Isak: _Not really. Lady with big hair_

 

Even: _How big_

 

Isak: _Like big and teased with a lot of hairspray idk_

_Want me to go up and measure it?_

 

Even: _Will you?_

 

Isak: _No Even_

 

Even: _We have to do laundry when you get here._

 

Isak: _What why_

_I'm coming over for a silent study place and dinner not chores_

 

Even: _Come on you love the laundromat_

 

Isak: _Where the hell did you get that information?_

 

Even: _I don't know but I don't want to go alone_

 

Isak: _Fine_

_You're lucky I love you_

_Lucky you're so fucking hot_

_Lucky you're so good in bed_

 

Even: _Those are a lot of redeeming qualities_

_If my one bad one is having to do laundry I'd say I'm set._

 

Isak: _Why doesn't your apartment have a laundry room?_

_It costs more and is nicer but my apartment at least has a laundry room_

 

Even: _I don't know_

_I like the laundromat_

 

Isak: _Who likes the laundromat?_

 

Even: _I do!_

 

Isak: _God, weirdo, I'm off the bus. Meet me out front with your laundry and we can go_

 

Even: _Love youuuu_

 

Isak: _Love you too <3_

 

Even: _< 3 <3 <3 <3 <3_

 

**Sanasol**

Isak: _How are finals going?_

 

Sanasol: _Amazing. Come on Isak it's me._

 

Isak: _Of course how could I be so stupid_

_I actually just wanted to thank you_

 

Sanasol: _For what?_

 

Isak: _For helping me this past year. And I mean all through high school._

_But this year I really needed it_

 

Sanasol: _No problem Isabel_

 

Isak: _And everything with Even_

_You really helped me with that_

_So thank you_

 

Sanasol: _You deserve it Isak_

 

Isak: _That means a lot_

 

Sanasol: _I'll see the two of you this summer_

 

Isak: _We'd love that <3_

 

Sanasol: _We don't send hearts here_

 

Isak: _I do_

_You made me experience love_

_Now I can't stop loving_

_ <3 <3 <3_

 

Sanasol: _Ugh_

 

**Even pls take my laundry**

Anders: _Dude did you leave for the laundromat yet_

 

Isak: _Sorry man_

 

Anders: _Ugggghhhghgh why_

 

Even: _Dirty clothes_

 

Isak: _Why'd you put this in the groupchat?_

 

Anders: _To gain support_

 

Even: _I don't have enough quarters anyways_

 

Anders: _I had quarters for you!!!_

 

Martin: _Evy are these baked potatoes up for grabs?_

 

Even: _You can each have ONE_

 

Anders: _Sweeeeeet_

 

Magnus: _Can we come grab some?_

 

Isak: _No_

 

Mahdi: _:(_

 

Isak: _I went to Even's to get away from you guys_

 

Jonas: _Mean_

 

Isak: _I can't believe you want to stay while Mags gets drunk_

_He's loud af_

 

Jonas: _Fuck I didn't think about that_

 

Magnus: _I am not_

 

Mahdi: _You are Magsy._

 

Jonas: _Then can't I come over for a baked potato?_

 

Isak: _No they're mine_

 

Even: _They're my baby's_

 

Isak: _Even_

 

Even: _Isak ;)_

 

Magnus: _Yall about to fuck in a laundromat?_

 

Even: _Wouldn't be the first time_

 

Isak: _oh my GOD you liar_

 

Even: _;) ;) ;)_

  
**Thursday**

“I'm done with my first year of college,” Isak said with a smile over his sixth glass of champagne that Even would have to pay for even though Isak ordered it.

“And you're drunk,” Even said.

“A little drunk. A celebratory drunk.” He giggled as Even smiled at him in that fond way he always did, and always had. “Because I'm done with my first year of college. And I have a cute boyfriend.”

“Not as cute as my boyfriend.”

Isak leaned over in the chair he'd pulled close to Even's and kissed him. “You're my favorite person,” he said. “You're buying me champagne and pasta and you love me and you're really good in bed. You're my favorite.”

“You're so sweet, baby,” Even said, laughing, smoothing the back of a finger over Isak's cheekbone. “You want some more wine?”

“I do want some more wine,” Isak said, holding his glass out. “Thank you, pretty.”

“I've kind of missed drunk Isak,” Even said, holding his knee under the table as Isak leaned into him with his dopey, drunk smile.

“I've been busy being a good boyfriend,” Isak said, resting his head on Even's shoulder. Their chairs were much closer now than they were when they sat down, mostly courtesy to Isak's increasing drunkenness. He was just as touchy now as he had been before he and Even got together. “Hey,” Isak said after a while of just leaning on each other.

“Hm?”

“You know how you always pay for stuff because I don't have any money?”

Even smiled. “Yeah.”

“One day do you think we'll be together, and I'll be a rich scientist, and you're a broke artist, and I get to pay you back?”

Even laughed and kissed the crown of his head. “You don't have to pay me back.”

“But I will.” Isak ran his hand over Even's chest. “I'll have a good job someday. Be able to treat you like a king, baby. Take you out to dinner, take you to movies.”

“You're so much nicer when you're drunk.”

“I'm always nice to you.”

“Yes,” Even said, smiling into the kiss on Isak's cheek. “You are.”

Isak hummed contentedly and closed his eyes briefly.

“So you're planning for our future, are you?” Even asked.

Isak pulled back from Even's shoulder and watched him with narrowed eyes. “I don't know where you got that from.”

Even smiled at him. “You're a bad liar.”

“Me? I'm a great liar.” Isak smiled at him. “A great liar who's planning for our future.”

“You think we have a future?”

“I would never say this sober,” Isak said, “but of course we have a future. And, baby, even if we don't, I'll never regret meeting you.”

Even kissed him. “You're incredible. And I hope our future is together, and great.”

“If we're together, it'll be great.” He leaned in and rested his chin on Even's shoulder. His eyes were half-lidded and his smile dazed. “Kiss me. Kiss me in this fancy restaurant.”

Even smiled and took Isak's chin in his fingers to angle him up for a kiss. A deep kiss, a hard kiss, a kiss with lips and tongue and teeth. A kiss probably inappropriate for the setting. A kiss of the sort Isak lived for, now that he'd experienced it. Not sexual, not yet. Just... a promise. Something to say he was here, they were together, something grounding and present and wholly in the moment. Something that made Isak feel that way that he thought he'd never feel, when he was scared and alone and constantly hurting. Something he was getting used to, now, and something he would never give up without a fight.

Something big. Bigger than anything else.

“I can't believe you love me,” Isak said.

Even smiled, brushing a finger down Isak's jaw. “I can't believe I get to.”

  
**Friday**

Everything at the bar was half off for university students.

And so it was packed. It was huge, with lots of adjoining rooms with couches and tables. There was a dance floor with fans and colored lights. It seemed like everyone who wasn't too tired from finals was there. Periodically, someone would pull out their phone, read a new email from the registrar, and scream out, “A minus in Ancient Literature!” and everyone would cheer and the person with the A minus would get a free beer. It was a beautiful post-finals time to be alive, especially when pushed against the wall with your boyfriend's tongue in your mouth.

“Okay,” Isak panted, removing Even's hand from inside the back of his jeans. “Getting a little R-rated, let's tone it down.”

Even laughed breathlessly, settling his hands on Isak's hips. “Sorry.”

“Just save it til we're home, baby.” He wrapped a hand around the back of Even's neck and eased him back into a kiss.

“Hey, boyfriends!” someone called, and when Even pulled back all their friends were around them. “Let's go sit somewhere!” Magnus yelled above the noise, motioning towards one of the rooms that had people milling about with drinks in hand.

Isak wanted to keep making out, but he followed the rest of them to a couch, dropping onto Even's lap when it was the only seat available. It was quieter, there, and Isak loved feeling Even's arms around his waist and chin on his shoulder. He settled back and turned his head to kiss Even's cheek. Even smiled and Isak rested his cheek against Even's temple.

“So we're fucking done,” Jonas said.

“In case no one heard,” Anders said, pulling out his phone, “I just got an A in European History.”

Everyone cheered and raised their drinks at that. Isak and Even both had water bottles, which were overpriced and had not been half off and when Isak tried to argue with the bartender he was dragged away by Even before he could get them the discount he felt that he deserved.

Isak looked around and couldn't believe that this was his life now. Four months ago he hadn't even known three of the people he was sitting with. Four months ago he was still sleeping with violent strangers. Why did it feel like he'd known Even forever? Why did he feel like he belonged for the first time ever?

In school he had always been the closeted gay kid. Within his group of friends he had always been the broken disaster that had to be tiptoed around. His family had dissolved around him, and he had disrupted the collective's way of life when he forced Eskild's conscience to take him home. Men had always seen him as something to use and the girls at school let him get drunk before they fucked and then never talk to them again. He had gotten nasty texts, and he'd let the senders take him even then. He was so lonely and so alone and despite the brilliant people in his life he always felt that there was too much wrong with him to ever be loved.

But now.

Now he was surrounded by people who loved him in a million different ways. Even loved him the way Jonas couldn't, and Jonas loved him the way Magnus and Mahdi couldn't, and Eskild loved him the way his father couldn't, Linn and Noora loved him the way his mother couldn't. Anders and Martin weren't just his boyfriend's friends and Magnus and Mahdi weren't just roommates anymore. They were people who knew everything about him, everything he'd ever done, and they were people who stayed.

When he was young, all anyone did was leave.

He'd be lying if he said it wasn't still an expectation. It takes more than a little love to heal yourself, and he wasn't healed, and maybe he never would be but at least he wasn't alone in it anymore. Sometimes when he woke up and Even wasn't beside him he would panic. Sometimes when Eskild didn't answer his texts quickly enough he would doubt himself. Because people always left. No one stayed forever; nothing was forever. Except he was finding that it wasn't true.

Jonas had been there since he was eleven years old. Even hadn't run when he found out about Isak's past. Eskild still loved him even after he moved out and stopped needing his physical support.

He felt so much better about himself. Even without Even's arms around him, he felt that he could carry himself with more pride than he'd felt in the rest of his life.

Even tapped Isak's temple and Isak turned his head with a smile. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey. What's going on?” Even asked.

“Nothing. Just thinking.”

“Good thoughts?” Even asked, smiling against his cheek.

“Yeah. They're good.” Isak kissed him once and went back to leaning against him.

Isak couldn't wait to start the rest of his life.

He'd been so hurt for so long that his life had stayed still. His mother's rants when he was younger were terrifying and had affected him long after he'd care to admit. If God wasn't watching him, then the universe was, and if something was watching him, then why did everything so horrible happen to him? He couldn't trust. He couldn't give up any part of himself. He didn't grow and he didn't change and every weekend encounter left him dangerously close to death, and he didn't care. He didn't think anyone else would, either, and if they did they'd get over it pretty fast. He had no regard for his own safety, because he didn't think he had very much to live for.

Now he did.

He would stay alive for himself. Not for Even, or because it would hurt those who loved him if he didn't.

He would stay alive because he knew that he had a life to live, now. No matter what else happened, he'd remember that.

“I love you,” Even mumbled in his ear as Magnus was talking about an English professor.

Isak kissed his temple and left his lips there as he said, “I love you, too.”

Forget everything that'd happened, it didn't matter anymore. Forget the rapes and the abandonment and the drinks and the drugs. Forget the texts and comments. Forget the men.

Looking around, at everyone here, laughing and drinking, the people that he'd spent every day of the last semester with, he was happy. Happier than he'd ever been before.

And he knew he'd be okay.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the discussion and agreement to therapy was for an anon in the comments section :) the boy squad interactions were for a lot of ya'll tbh and i hope that i closed this out well for you novamelone <3 thank you all for your sweet comments and requests.  
> i've gotten requests for a fake dating au, hate to love, and sugar daddy fic next (idk about the sugar daddy haha i'm not confident in my ability to write that) but tell me what you think and what you'd like to see next <3  
> i'll be posting to my tumblr (supermansplaining) as well.  
> thank you all so much i love you guys <3


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